New Moon in Aries, new beginnings, starting over, spells to reach new heights.....my night is filled with words, candles are lit and the Gods are called, the words are ready and now the flames burn bright.....
Amongst the candles, the flames on high
Let them burn, don't be shy
Scream, shout and cry
Create your life, your dreams
The Gods are listening
The roads are clear and dry
Release feelings of insecurity, release the fear of never being enough, ride my wave, know that the path ahead is mine whether I can see the next step or not, faith is what I have always had and now I continue my walk on faith.....my anxiety issues do not make me less of a witch.....my weight issues that are up and down, do not dictate my value as a person....my beauty is more than just the way I look....release these feelings....let them go...breath deep and release the panic through every pore into the core of the Earth.
We live, we grow, we learn....we face the same decisions over and over and we must make the right ones, so we can move forward and break the patterns....we must learn to ride the currents. they make up our lives.....it was never meant to be this hard, ride your wave, ride your currents and let your faith guide the way.
Create your life, your dreams
The Gods are listening
The roads are clear and dry
Release let go, begin again....let Aries light the way......
08 April 2016
16 March 2016
The Hardest Job of all ~ Parenting
This year seems to be one moment after another of realizations, release and tears...not all bad ones, some are joyful and the moments of letting go within them are wonderfully fulfilling but still there are many tears....emotions for many are just flinging around madly from one end of the spectrum to another, and with everything that I have read in the last while from many different astrologers 2016 is the year for tears....I have to agree! So far this year I have been driven to the point of anger with Facebook "witches" and I use that title loosely for them, I have felt huge emotional baggage fall off me as I have literally cut away ties and connections that do not serve my greater good, and trust me when I say some of these were people I would have never thought the day would come where we parted company.....I did cut those cords, with authority as my old guy would say. Today's release is parenting.
These are my feelings, perspectives and experiences ~ Parents and families come in all kinds of configurations these days, this is something I highly support and respect. Creating a child is actually the easiest part of it all for most of us, bringing them into the world and raising them is not quite as simple. There may be a million books on how to parent a child out there, some I am sure are very helpful but the truth is each situation, each child even within the same family can be night and day different from each other. My dad used to say on one hand we have five fingers, not one is the same, even though they all belong to the same hand....much like families. In our blended family there are six ....yes sometimes I feel like the little dutch boy with my finger in the dam! let me tell you! I remember thinking when is the day going to come that the "you just don't understand" drama is going to end, when will we be able to sit and discuss things, share ideas, watch their families grow, when can I breathe and not worry about the hurts they will face...the times their hearts will break? Now I look back and think those were the simplest times, the wonderfully loving family times.....the problems then were simple; someone stopped talking to them at school, they were late on their homework and oh no! don't tell dad I like this boy.....there was even the time that our son brought home a karaoke tape of two little girls singing to him, simple problems.....then they grew up, things became so much more complicated...their problems so huge now, hearts broken, revolving doors of moving home and moving out....issues of huge amounts of money that we had to cover when promises were broken, responsibilities walked away from....just horrible situations with consequences that can never be taken back....all of these moments cut through with moments of extreme joy marriages, grandchildren, Yule's, birthdays....graduations, eyes filled with proud tears....the highs and the lows are so much bigger the older they get, we never stop feeling for our children, biological or not....even though I believe they can never firmly grasp that until they have children of their own....after all neither did we, I fully admit I did not get it either.
Remember your parents they are people too...we are much more than just mom and dad, even though we love those titles, we are still people that have our own feelings, our own needs and even require our own boundaries, yes even from you. There are many aspects to parenting, things that we learn as we go, it is not something that we grow up knowing, or even that our own parents prepared us for.....reality is that as you are reaching for your independence we as your parents are terrified yet realize we have to find a way to let go. This shit is hard for us, but as you so forcefully let us know sometimes, it is your life and we must let you do it your way, this is something though that goes both ways, once we do that you cannot call us in to save the day as your storm troupers either. We support you but we do not fight your battles for you, unless of course there is a very good reason that you are infirm and unable to fight them for yourself. There are those of you that fly wonderfully, stumble a little here and there and then learn to make it all a part of your dance, this being something we hoped you would get watching us....truth is there is no roadmap to success and there is no sure fire way of doing it all right, just make it part of your dance....we will love you, support you and help when we can. Try not to involve us in your relationship issues as best you can, we are still your parents, our claws come out just like that mama Lion to protect her cub, we don't mean to look at your exes like that but hey we love you, it is sometimes much harder for us to forget the state we saw you in, and once you fill our minds with you having walked through fire, all we can see is the aftermath of the flames...but still we put it aside, stomping on it when we have to and try for you. Those of you that chose to not embrace adulthood, well there is only so far that you can expect us as your parents to prop you up, this has nothing to do with not loving you, not wanting you or even any kind of twisted retribution, child of divorce, evil step parent bullshit you may dream up, we still love you, we just cannot keep fixing your shit, or you learn nothing....you are adults, whether we agree with your decisions or not they are yours to make, the consequence of those decisions good or bad are also yours to deal with...you made your bed...all of us as adults have to learn to take responsibility for our actions, make good decisions and when we don't, well we have to learn to own up to our fuck ups....you do too! As your parents we do not expect perfect kids, no matter what age you are, we expect you to tell us the truth, to try, to be kind, considerate, understanding and respectful.....you have no idea how hard it is to parent until you have your own children....there is no other job on this Earth that can ever explain to you what it feels like to be your parent.....no matter how many kids we have, we do love you all the same, in very different ways.....you complain about having to deal with your parents but for some of us we have to figure out how to deal with you, your siblings, your pets, your friends, your teachers, your bill collectors, your business, your spouses and significant others, your relationships with each other and your extended family and so on and so on.....it is not such a simple thing..this is not a complaint but merely a hey you! try looking at this through our eyes....each time you soar we cheer you on, when you fall we try to help you keep going, when your heart breaks ours breaks with you....we love you, we are your parents, that never changes......no matter what, even when we have to distance ourselves from you, because sometimes no matter how strong we love you we HAVE to let you learn on your own and fall if you must....yes even then it is because we love you that we pull away...and trust me when I say, never in our wildest dreams did we ever wish to have to do it....parenting is really the hardest job of all, and one that even doing the right thing can still leave you feeling empty inside when tough love happens....its not easy and no it does not come with a manual, it is hit and miss and we do the best we can whether you believe it or not.....all of these realizations come with maturity, we hold hope that you will get this basic truth someday.
Normally people say walk a mile in my shoes, to really get this I tell you to walk a lifetime in mine...until you have live your life well, respect your parents, never forget to tell them you love them, you never know when you won't be able to anymore and that is a whole other can of worms you really do not want to dig yourself out of....something I learnt the hard way myself....when I speak it is from experience, I try to keep my yap shut on things that I have not lived myself.
I leave us all with this; there is another Eclipse coming on the 23rd, a Full Lunar Eclipse, prepare for more release, and since this is the year of tears, make them worth it, let them wash away all the dirt, sand and dust from the past that has hung on, start fresh, move on and be you....be gloriously you...live your magic, ride your wave and may the Gods bless you all! life is short make the most of it!
These are my feelings, perspectives and experiences ~ Parents and families come in all kinds of configurations these days, this is something I highly support and respect. Creating a child is actually the easiest part of it all for most of us, bringing them into the world and raising them is not quite as simple. There may be a million books on how to parent a child out there, some I am sure are very helpful but the truth is each situation, each child even within the same family can be night and day different from each other. My dad used to say on one hand we have five fingers, not one is the same, even though they all belong to the same hand....much like families. In our blended family there are six ....yes sometimes I feel like the little dutch boy with my finger in the dam! let me tell you! I remember thinking when is the day going to come that the "you just don't understand" drama is going to end, when will we be able to sit and discuss things, share ideas, watch their families grow, when can I breathe and not worry about the hurts they will face...the times their hearts will break? Now I look back and think those were the simplest times, the wonderfully loving family times.....the problems then were simple; someone stopped talking to them at school, they were late on their homework and oh no! don't tell dad I like this boy.....there was even the time that our son brought home a karaoke tape of two little girls singing to him, simple problems.....then they grew up, things became so much more complicated...their problems so huge now, hearts broken, revolving doors of moving home and moving out....issues of huge amounts of money that we had to cover when promises were broken, responsibilities walked away from....just horrible situations with consequences that can never be taken back....all of these moments cut through with moments of extreme joy marriages, grandchildren, Yule's, birthdays....graduations, eyes filled with proud tears....the highs and the lows are so much bigger the older they get, we never stop feeling for our children, biological or not....even though I believe they can never firmly grasp that until they have children of their own....after all neither did we, I fully admit I did not get it either.
Remember your parents they are people too...we are much more than just mom and dad, even though we love those titles, we are still people that have our own feelings, our own needs and even require our own boundaries, yes even from you. There are many aspects to parenting, things that we learn as we go, it is not something that we grow up knowing, or even that our own parents prepared us for.....reality is that as you are reaching for your independence we as your parents are terrified yet realize we have to find a way to let go. This shit is hard for us, but as you so forcefully let us know sometimes, it is your life and we must let you do it your way, this is something though that goes both ways, once we do that you cannot call us in to save the day as your storm troupers either. We support you but we do not fight your battles for you, unless of course there is a very good reason that you are infirm and unable to fight them for yourself. There are those of you that fly wonderfully, stumble a little here and there and then learn to make it all a part of your dance, this being something we hoped you would get watching us....truth is there is no roadmap to success and there is no sure fire way of doing it all right, just make it part of your dance....we will love you, support you and help when we can. Try not to involve us in your relationship issues as best you can, we are still your parents, our claws come out just like that mama Lion to protect her cub, we don't mean to look at your exes like that but hey we love you, it is sometimes much harder for us to forget the state we saw you in, and once you fill our minds with you having walked through fire, all we can see is the aftermath of the flames...but still we put it aside, stomping on it when we have to and try for you. Those of you that chose to not embrace adulthood, well there is only so far that you can expect us as your parents to prop you up, this has nothing to do with not loving you, not wanting you or even any kind of twisted retribution, child of divorce, evil step parent bullshit you may dream up, we still love you, we just cannot keep fixing your shit, or you learn nothing....you are adults, whether we agree with your decisions or not they are yours to make, the consequence of those decisions good or bad are also yours to deal with...you made your bed...all of us as adults have to learn to take responsibility for our actions, make good decisions and when we don't, well we have to learn to own up to our fuck ups....you do too! As your parents we do not expect perfect kids, no matter what age you are, we expect you to tell us the truth, to try, to be kind, considerate, understanding and respectful.....you have no idea how hard it is to parent until you have your own children....there is no other job on this Earth that can ever explain to you what it feels like to be your parent.....no matter how many kids we have, we do love you all the same, in very different ways.....you complain about having to deal with your parents but for some of us we have to figure out how to deal with you, your siblings, your pets, your friends, your teachers, your bill collectors, your business, your spouses and significant others, your relationships with each other and your extended family and so on and so on.....it is not such a simple thing..this is not a complaint but merely a hey you! try looking at this through our eyes....each time you soar we cheer you on, when you fall we try to help you keep going, when your heart breaks ours breaks with you....we love you, we are your parents, that never changes......no matter what, even when we have to distance ourselves from you, because sometimes no matter how strong we love you we HAVE to let you learn on your own and fall if you must....yes even then it is because we love you that we pull away...and trust me when I say, never in our wildest dreams did we ever wish to have to do it....parenting is really the hardest job of all, and one that even doing the right thing can still leave you feeling empty inside when tough love happens....its not easy and no it does not come with a manual, it is hit and miss and we do the best we can whether you believe it or not.....all of these realizations come with maturity, we hold hope that you will get this basic truth someday.
Normally people say walk a mile in my shoes, to really get this I tell you to walk a lifetime in mine...until you have live your life well, respect your parents, never forget to tell them you love them, you never know when you won't be able to anymore and that is a whole other can of worms you really do not want to dig yourself out of....something I learnt the hard way myself....when I speak it is from experience, I try to keep my yap shut on things that I have not lived myself.
I leave us all with this; there is another Eclipse coming on the 23rd, a Full Lunar Eclipse, prepare for more release, and since this is the year of tears, make them worth it, let them wash away all the dirt, sand and dust from the past that has hung on, start fresh, move on and be you....be gloriously you...live your magic, ride your wave and may the Gods bless you all! life is short make the most of it!
15 March 2016
The Last moments of Winter
The rain has been falling for a few days now and will go on for a few more, the spring is trying very hard to wash away the debris of winter. Preparing the ground for the beauty that is about to start to push its way through, I cannot wait to get my fingers in the soil and start to feel that connection that I am always so thankful for. Mother Earth always has the energies I need to keep me well grounded, I can walk barefoot in the snow and still not feel the same as I do when I feel my bare feet in the soil of my garden. Gods I miss that! it might be the one single act that can break me out of this very grey mood that I am in.....I get this way when the world around me is brown, grey and muddy.....the one part of the year that I really can say I dislike is the transition from winter to spring, there is no solace I can find or joy that I can tap.....it is always a time of contemplation for me, the dawning of a new spring on the horizon means I have to look at all that I leave behind in this rebirth.....for me the whole cycle ends here, not at Samhain, the winter means for me that the cycle of death is simply beginning and it continues until this moment here, this time just before the wheel turns, this is the completion of the entire cycle of the year for me......maybe it is an ancestral rhythm in me, something my soul can no longer communicate to me the whys or where fors but yet makes me feel it each year, it is the one thing that makes sense to me on a core level....I know I am different and I am ok with that, I celebrate that actually...as you should celebrate your differences as well.
This last year saw great changes within our life, most of which I have hashed out to death already, but the very personal ones I kept to myself.....back in this place my weight ballooned again, and my body broke down a little more, I fear missing the sea salt air that seemed to do so much good for me. That alongwith the accidental longterm gluten exposure has caused major issues, its like starting at the beginning all over again....back to being able to only walk in short distances, keeping fit is not something I can even consider at the moment, simply being mobile is hard but yet I do it...the pain in my back from being swollen is unbelievable, but yet I appear to be at a minimum 7 to 8 months pregnant, which of course I am not and now have been carrying this as for about 10 months, not gradually getting larger as someone who is pregnant, no mine was within a month that it became this and has stayed this, some days are better than others, and I go like someone released from prison on those days soaking in the freedom of movement and expression....others well they become great snuggle days and try not to move too much. Then of course we have the shingles that have been hanging around for a bit, the extreme stress of our lives has never failed to bring me such wonderful gifts ~ definite eye roll ~ and I cannot forget all the little things that make my life so much harder that others take for granted, they will remain fodder for another post when I feel much stronger about releasing them. For now just a little note to all those that look at people that look like me, be kind with your thoughts and your words you have no idea why someone may be in the state they are, it does not just come down to what we eat, if that were true then I would not have this issue living with a gluten free organic and 50% raw diet, while removing all refined sugars completely. Be careful with your judgemental thoughts as my empathic heart hears them all. It is sad that the harshest judgements cast at me come because of my weight, health, skin tone, and spirituality, all of which I cannot change.....some humans just suck that way though.
The bright spot in today? what makes me sit here and write this and feel my actual spirits lifting as I do? well by my reasoning this means that this current cycle of ugliness, pain and hardship should be coming to an end, regrowth and rebirth just around the corner. This is a good thing and is enough to illicit almost little girl squeals of delight from my old body. As I have sat here writing the weather has cleared slightly and the trees are gleaming brightly with their green limbs, rather than stooping over under the weight of all the water that has fallen in the last few days. The skies are clearer and a walk may actually become possible today down to the river, to see Oshun.... a walk to discuss with Oya my path ahead.......a moment with Hecate at the crossroad, maybe a little offering as well....then back home to the sea water on my altar and a moment of sharing with Yemaya. Along the way I am sure the little witch and I will find some time to hug the huge trees that line our road, he keeps trying but can never quite make it with his arms all the way around, even dad cannot do that but he keeps trying...my little hero.
I am sure when I get out there I won't be able to go far, but I will go nonetheless and be proud of myself for the few steps of freedom today, and will plan for more of them tomorrow.....May the Gods light all our ways forward.
This last year saw great changes within our life, most of which I have hashed out to death already, but the very personal ones I kept to myself.....back in this place my weight ballooned again, and my body broke down a little more, I fear missing the sea salt air that seemed to do so much good for me. That alongwith the accidental longterm gluten exposure has caused major issues, its like starting at the beginning all over again....back to being able to only walk in short distances, keeping fit is not something I can even consider at the moment, simply being mobile is hard but yet I do it...the pain in my back from being swollen is unbelievable, but yet I appear to be at a minimum 7 to 8 months pregnant, which of course I am not and now have been carrying this as for about 10 months, not gradually getting larger as someone who is pregnant, no mine was within a month that it became this and has stayed this, some days are better than others, and I go like someone released from prison on those days soaking in the freedom of movement and expression....others well they become great snuggle days and try not to move too much. Then of course we have the shingles that have been hanging around for a bit, the extreme stress of our lives has never failed to bring me such wonderful gifts ~ definite eye roll ~ and I cannot forget all the little things that make my life so much harder that others take for granted, they will remain fodder for another post when I feel much stronger about releasing them. For now just a little note to all those that look at people that look like me, be kind with your thoughts and your words you have no idea why someone may be in the state they are, it does not just come down to what we eat, if that were true then I would not have this issue living with a gluten free organic and 50% raw diet, while removing all refined sugars completely. Be careful with your judgemental thoughts as my empathic heart hears them all. It is sad that the harshest judgements cast at me come because of my weight, health, skin tone, and spirituality, all of which I cannot change.....some humans just suck that way though.
The bright spot in today? what makes me sit here and write this and feel my actual spirits lifting as I do? well by my reasoning this means that this current cycle of ugliness, pain and hardship should be coming to an end, regrowth and rebirth just around the corner. This is a good thing and is enough to illicit almost little girl squeals of delight from my old body. As I have sat here writing the weather has cleared slightly and the trees are gleaming brightly with their green limbs, rather than stooping over under the weight of all the water that has fallen in the last few days. The skies are clearer and a walk may actually become possible today down to the river, to see Oshun.... a walk to discuss with Oya my path ahead.......a moment with Hecate at the crossroad, maybe a little offering as well....then back home to the sea water on my altar and a moment of sharing with Yemaya. Along the way I am sure the little witch and I will find some time to hug the huge trees that line our road, he keeps trying but can never quite make it with his arms all the way around, even dad cannot do that but he keeps trying...my little hero.
I am sure when I get out there I won't be able to go far, but I will go nonetheless and be proud of myself for the few steps of freedom today, and will plan for more of them tomorrow.....May the Gods light all our ways forward.
05 March 2016
Dark Moons, Eclipses and Money
I realized that I really dislike money, which is a very well disturbing thing as it is needed in our everyday lives. I can romanticise poverty all I want to make the bitter pill easier to swallow but the truth is it fucken sucks...we tell ourselves so many things to make it easier to cope with, uplifting messages, memes and spiritual practices but at the end of the day an empty fridge or a bill for much needed heat is a reality that won't be satisfied with words meant to give strength. The hard truth is money is much needed if we wish to live without the constant stress of how to make the bank account cover the month, rather than too much month at the end of the money, and no this by no means is an indication that I do not have faith in my magic ~ just by the sheer reality that we have been able to survive with my sales as income is testament to the fact that I fully believe in magic and especially that which I conjure and create, my faith is unshakable, thank the Gods. Money though was not made by the Gods was it.....
This last few months have been interesting for us, such stark contrasts when it came to money....my clientele and magical family making it easier for me to breathe and put much needed food in the house, heat and of course the essentials of everyday life...so thankful for my sales from the shop as without them we would be totally sunk! that was the good part of the last two months but for my old guy it has been a total different experience, having finished a job in December he has fought from that point in time to get paid, with a pittance coming in early January and nothing since. While the customer requested more and more work done, something of course that he could not do without his bill being paid. These situations never end well, and I am always so thankful that in my own business I do NOT have these issues! His situation came to a head when he refused to do anymore until the bill was paid in full, he commiserated with the client about his bills, but reality is we can't pay ours with buttons, and he told him that his wife ~me~ was very upset about this....his customer had the nerve to tell him that all I cared about was money, calling me greedy! I am the hubby's office manager/customer service manager all fancy titles for I deal with the paperwork and pricing and he does the work. While I wanted to turn him into a toad with warts then and there I refrained and sat on my magical fingers and kept the monkeys at bay. Then of course I went through all the feelings of indignation, anger and all that jazz about what this person that means nothing to me thinks of me....because he recieved a service, benefited from that service, and we want to be paid for it in full this is greed? Obviously I know this is not the case and he is simply causing conflict to try to get away from paying a bill, still it bothered me that money again was at the root of such a bad situation.....it reinforced my dislike of money, feeling judged by my request to have a bill paid.
This made me go inside and really look at what my issues with it are, it has always represented conflict of some sort, in my early life with my parents, with extended family it created divides that even though it was a generation ago it still carries through to mine....I saw it rip apart my family in more ways than one. I also saw those that were innocent carry the heavy burden of rebuilding while the ones that were actually greedy walked away with no responsibility. These were early childhood lessons.....I know I work for myself because I watched my father work for himself for years....his way always..... he worked hard but he never gave up, so when I feel like I am going to I remember him and I gain the strength I need to keep going. In my first marriage money was something that caused huge divides, in the beginning there was tons of it, I used it quite liberally to cover up the emptiness that I carried....totally shut off from anything spiritual and a deck of cards that I kept hidden in a drawer, my soul was dying so I bought stuff...not particularly important stuff but just stuff.....I had my nails done, the perfect outfits with matching shoes, and I hated myself and with every dollar I spent I hated myself even more.....I walked away from all that after years of abuse....I have worked on myself, been honest with myself and taken stock of where I was and where I never wanted to be again, the road to healing was there ahead and I took it...but my dislike of money was only reinforced when it became a reality to be a single mom with 3 kids....yes my parents helped but for those that know the truth they helped more with one child I had 3 and a whole life of my own.....then I met my old guy and between us we did the best we could for our combined family of 6 kids....some don't think so but hell they are still young we will see how they feel when they are a little more seasoned by life.....I love my family, my kids, our life together and all that I have lived since the day I decided to stop dying inside and chose life....none of this though helped my dislike of money, I simply traded a more comfortable life with it for a harder existence that nourished my soul rather than lined my bank account...but in everything even money balance is needed and well that I still have not achieved, and that of course is down to me.
Money has always been used as a tool against me in some form or another, either because I had it and someone wanted it, even though they didn't have to take it as I shared liberally they most times still did it underhanded OR I needed it they had it and wouldn't help....no matter how I cut it I have had more bad feelings connected to money than good ones...pain, heartache, discord, jealousy and even destruction of a family from the inside out.....more I thought of it more I realized that this dislike pushed me into poverty.....circumstances helped of course, my health sucks, work dried up and we have moved cross country twice in 5 years....once going to all we had left and another going back to try to rebuild a life outside of poverty.....greedy? no...realistic yes, patient yes, clear yes, but greedy no...there is nothing greedy about wanting to be paid for services rendered...there is nothing greedy about not wanting to live on your knees either....my relationship with money though now will have to change, thankfully his words made me evaluate and search my soul about it, reaffirming my positive feelings about it will be the order of business for me....we will survive his underhandedness, my little shop will keep going and putting food where it needs to be and the lights will stay on, I won't give up and I won't let the words of a spiteful deadbeat bother me too much, it was those words that made me consider my issues with money.....
As I wrote this I came to my largest realization of all, I do not have this issue when it comes to money and the services I provide or the creations that I birth through Witch's Chamber....I feel rather loved, supported and respected within my magical life and that extends to money as well...now to make that relationship seep into the other more mundane aspects of my life....and once again it is down to magic to heal another side of me....the Dark Moon cometh, the Solar Eclipse to follow on the New Moon...the time of release and change is upon us, I will be releasing these feelings of lack, pain, and the shame of poverty and money behind me....what will you be releasing at the Dark Moon and Solar Eclipse?
This last few months have been interesting for us, such stark contrasts when it came to money....my clientele and magical family making it easier for me to breathe and put much needed food in the house, heat and of course the essentials of everyday life...so thankful for my sales from the shop as without them we would be totally sunk! that was the good part of the last two months but for my old guy it has been a total different experience, having finished a job in December he has fought from that point in time to get paid, with a pittance coming in early January and nothing since. While the customer requested more and more work done, something of course that he could not do without his bill being paid. These situations never end well, and I am always so thankful that in my own business I do NOT have these issues! His situation came to a head when he refused to do anymore until the bill was paid in full, he commiserated with the client about his bills, but reality is we can't pay ours with buttons, and he told him that his wife ~me~ was very upset about this....his customer had the nerve to tell him that all I cared about was money, calling me greedy! I am the hubby's office manager/customer service manager all fancy titles for I deal with the paperwork and pricing and he does the work. While I wanted to turn him into a toad with warts then and there I refrained and sat on my magical fingers and kept the monkeys at bay. Then of course I went through all the feelings of indignation, anger and all that jazz about what this person that means nothing to me thinks of me....because he recieved a service, benefited from that service, and we want to be paid for it in full this is greed? Obviously I know this is not the case and he is simply causing conflict to try to get away from paying a bill, still it bothered me that money again was at the root of such a bad situation.....it reinforced my dislike of money, feeling judged by my request to have a bill paid.
This made me go inside and really look at what my issues with it are, it has always represented conflict of some sort, in my early life with my parents, with extended family it created divides that even though it was a generation ago it still carries through to mine....I saw it rip apart my family in more ways than one. I also saw those that were innocent carry the heavy burden of rebuilding while the ones that were actually greedy walked away with no responsibility. These were early childhood lessons.....I know I work for myself because I watched my father work for himself for years....his way always..... he worked hard but he never gave up, so when I feel like I am going to I remember him and I gain the strength I need to keep going. In my first marriage money was something that caused huge divides, in the beginning there was tons of it, I used it quite liberally to cover up the emptiness that I carried....totally shut off from anything spiritual and a deck of cards that I kept hidden in a drawer, my soul was dying so I bought stuff...not particularly important stuff but just stuff.....I had my nails done, the perfect outfits with matching shoes, and I hated myself and with every dollar I spent I hated myself even more.....I walked away from all that after years of abuse....I have worked on myself, been honest with myself and taken stock of where I was and where I never wanted to be again, the road to healing was there ahead and I took it...but my dislike of money was only reinforced when it became a reality to be a single mom with 3 kids....yes my parents helped but for those that know the truth they helped more with one child I had 3 and a whole life of my own.....then I met my old guy and between us we did the best we could for our combined family of 6 kids....some don't think so but hell they are still young we will see how they feel when they are a little more seasoned by life.....I love my family, my kids, our life together and all that I have lived since the day I decided to stop dying inside and chose life....none of this though helped my dislike of money, I simply traded a more comfortable life with it for a harder existence that nourished my soul rather than lined my bank account...but in everything even money balance is needed and well that I still have not achieved, and that of course is down to me.
Money has always been used as a tool against me in some form or another, either because I had it and someone wanted it, even though they didn't have to take it as I shared liberally they most times still did it underhanded OR I needed it they had it and wouldn't help....no matter how I cut it I have had more bad feelings connected to money than good ones...pain, heartache, discord, jealousy and even destruction of a family from the inside out.....more I thought of it more I realized that this dislike pushed me into poverty.....circumstances helped of course, my health sucks, work dried up and we have moved cross country twice in 5 years....once going to all we had left and another going back to try to rebuild a life outside of poverty.....greedy? no...realistic yes, patient yes, clear yes, but greedy no...there is nothing greedy about wanting to be paid for services rendered...there is nothing greedy about not wanting to live on your knees either....my relationship with money though now will have to change, thankfully his words made me evaluate and search my soul about it, reaffirming my positive feelings about it will be the order of business for me....we will survive his underhandedness, my little shop will keep going and putting food where it needs to be and the lights will stay on, I won't give up and I won't let the words of a spiteful deadbeat bother me too much, it was those words that made me consider my issues with money.....
As I wrote this I came to my largest realization of all, I do not have this issue when it comes to money and the services I provide or the creations that I birth through Witch's Chamber....I feel rather loved, supported and respected within my magical life and that extends to money as well...now to make that relationship seep into the other more mundane aspects of my life....and once again it is down to magic to heal another side of me....the Dark Moon cometh, the Solar Eclipse to follow on the New Moon...the time of release and change is upon us, I will be releasing these feelings of lack, pain, and the shame of poverty and money behind me....what will you be releasing at the Dark Moon and Solar Eclipse?
25 February 2016
My Shield of Compassion
A couple of days ago I wrote a blog that....well it was difficult for me to do this....write about the indignation, anger and revulsion I had at that moment gotten to with all the ridiculous childish behaviour of so many witches on Facebook. I spewed it all, all that venom is now gone. I have spent today going through the comments on both the blog and the Facebook page, the responses were strong, supportive and loving but the undercurrent is a sad one, one that is so clear that so many of us fight daily for one of the simplest things of all, just to be ourselves. It made me sit back and think on my life, and as always when I reach the point of having a total explosion of anger over something so decidely unfair and malicious, the unavoidable empath in me feels the sadness of the world on her shoulders.
I have fought my entire life, for everything from the first breath to now. Life has never dealt me an easy hand, but I keep going. I have fought illness, both physical and mental and am left with a damaged body to function with. I have lived through abuse of all forms, the physical of which has contributed to the everyday issues I have, the emotional, mental and sexual abuse of course at times contributes its own demons, I kept going and I think that is when I developed a strong outer exterior, the Gods know before that I wore my heart on my sleeve, then one day I woke up and decided no one sees me cry, no one sees me fall apart, I stand strong against all that life brings forth, I defend all that I love, never caring or worrying about what will be of me. I have stood against men that would have loved to see me fall and women that plotted with them to make it happen, and still no one ever saw me cry or knew I was even remotely scared. Was I? well of course I am by no means superhuman but there is this vein in me that refuses to allow those that tried to hurt me or those I love see what they did to the heart inside the core, for their trouble they were served up strength, defense and protection from them; all fueled by an inner anger against all that is unfair. All this remembering though brings with it it's own pitfalls, not sure if this is the same for other empaths but for me it causes me to re-feel all those feelings, all those instances.
Women, we have all fought so hard for our lives, since the beginning of time, against others and from within, women pitted against each other, it is so very sad that those that fight many of the same battles choose to forget the struggles of their own, stepping on each other to reach the top of the heap and wear a crown of crap. As I started to feel the anger well up in me again at the unfairness of it all at first I was disappointed in my own feeling of anger, fearing that this is what happens to me now after all these years, my armor goes up and that made me sad....then I felt a strong voice inside me say NO follow the anger, so I allowed myself to ride the energy until in all those thoughts, after every twist and turn it took me to a curious realization....I am very defensive of those I love, the anger is the shield I cloak myself in to protect them, it is not who I am....come at me with anger and I will meet you with such fury you will be shocked, the harder you are to me the harder you will feel me be to you...there is only one way to disarm me, and it is a very simple one, one that others seem to never grasp....the only way to disarm me is kindness, plain and simple.....I have spent so much time fighting for my right to live that the only way to make me drop my harder exterior shell is to show kindness, not necessarily to me but to anyone, any display of kindness and I will openly cry, overcome with emotion for the humanity of a simple kindness or a loving word...in all my hardness, in all I have swallowed through the years and fought to uphold I have NEVER not had a word of kindness, a helping hand and a shoulder for someone to lean on....rather than judge I try to understand, place myself in their shoes and to walk alongside them.....it really becomes an eye opener when you do that.
When I sit and think of the overwhelming love and compassion I feel for those that reach out to me daily, I wish I could find a way to help you all and myself, make this place a fairer world, one that recognized the beauty in us all, I wish I could fix the wrongs and make them never happen again....and most of all I wish it was a world filled with kindness. A world where the ego of another never hurt you, where they were able to put you before themselves, maybe a world where we were really our brother's and sister's keepers....I know so very pollyanna of me...well then I guess I am guilty but wouldn't it be such a wonderful world if we all found a way to help each other rather than hinder? where we all felt protected, loved and supported by each other....I know we can't have it all, but we can try in our own ways be kinder, more loving and compassionate for each other...you want to disarm me that is it right there....be kind.....fill your own circles with love, support and compassion. Help those that come your way, sometimes you have no idea how much you can save someone just by showing you care.
We are all witches, now be kind, be compassionate and be human as well.
I have fought my entire life, for everything from the first breath to now. Life has never dealt me an easy hand, but I keep going. I have fought illness, both physical and mental and am left with a damaged body to function with. I have lived through abuse of all forms, the physical of which has contributed to the everyday issues I have, the emotional, mental and sexual abuse of course at times contributes its own demons, I kept going and I think that is when I developed a strong outer exterior, the Gods know before that I wore my heart on my sleeve, then one day I woke up and decided no one sees me cry, no one sees me fall apart, I stand strong against all that life brings forth, I defend all that I love, never caring or worrying about what will be of me. I have stood against men that would have loved to see me fall and women that plotted with them to make it happen, and still no one ever saw me cry or knew I was even remotely scared. Was I? well of course I am by no means superhuman but there is this vein in me that refuses to allow those that tried to hurt me or those I love see what they did to the heart inside the core, for their trouble they were served up strength, defense and protection from them; all fueled by an inner anger against all that is unfair. All this remembering though brings with it it's own pitfalls, not sure if this is the same for other empaths but for me it causes me to re-feel all those feelings, all those instances.
Women, we have all fought so hard for our lives, since the beginning of time, against others and from within, women pitted against each other, it is so very sad that those that fight many of the same battles choose to forget the struggles of their own, stepping on each other to reach the top of the heap and wear a crown of crap. As I started to feel the anger well up in me again at the unfairness of it all at first I was disappointed in my own feeling of anger, fearing that this is what happens to me now after all these years, my armor goes up and that made me sad....then I felt a strong voice inside me say NO follow the anger, so I allowed myself to ride the energy until in all those thoughts, after every twist and turn it took me to a curious realization....I am very defensive of those I love, the anger is the shield I cloak myself in to protect them, it is not who I am....come at me with anger and I will meet you with such fury you will be shocked, the harder you are to me the harder you will feel me be to you...there is only one way to disarm me, and it is a very simple one, one that others seem to never grasp....the only way to disarm me is kindness, plain and simple.....I have spent so much time fighting for my right to live that the only way to make me drop my harder exterior shell is to show kindness, not necessarily to me but to anyone, any display of kindness and I will openly cry, overcome with emotion for the humanity of a simple kindness or a loving word...in all my hardness, in all I have swallowed through the years and fought to uphold I have NEVER not had a word of kindness, a helping hand and a shoulder for someone to lean on....rather than judge I try to understand, place myself in their shoes and to walk alongside them.....it really becomes an eye opener when you do that.
When I sit and think of the overwhelming love and compassion I feel for those that reach out to me daily, I wish I could find a way to help you all and myself, make this place a fairer world, one that recognized the beauty in us all, I wish I could fix the wrongs and make them never happen again....and most of all I wish it was a world filled with kindness. A world where the ego of another never hurt you, where they were able to put you before themselves, maybe a world where we were really our brother's and sister's keepers....I know so very pollyanna of me...well then I guess I am guilty but wouldn't it be such a wonderful world if we all found a way to help each other rather than hinder? where we all felt protected, loved and supported by each other....I know we can't have it all, but we can try in our own ways be kinder, more loving and compassionate for each other...you want to disarm me that is it right there....be kind.....fill your own circles with love, support and compassion. Help those that come your way, sometimes you have no idea how much you can save someone just by showing you care.
We are all witches, now be kind, be compassionate and be human as well.
23 February 2016
Facebook Witch Trials
What is wrong with us? There was a time when I was proud of being a Pagan, even a Wiccan at one point, and most definitely being a Witch. I believed that we were not judgemental, we stood up for what was right even if it was unpopular and above all else we didn't gossip about each other like school children in the hall. I used to believe being Pagan meant something about our own morality. I realize now it was my big old eyes glazing over and thinking being a Witch meant something to everyone...sadly the exploits of the last 3 months or so have pounded that last nail into the coffin....these things do not mean the same to everyone within our world....and it is a sad day for those that finally have to admit that to themselves.
Witch is no longer a word that means a Wise One, no it is a word by which many hide behind, claiming to all that will listen that they are Witches, as they lie, cheat and steal from each other. Leaving behind the idea of being original, creative with their own energy they rip off each others art, spells and even teachings....what the fuck is wrong with you????!!!!??? Others go around professing their witchiness as they keep pumping out pop culture witch products that have little to no magic in them or about them but are simply their method of keeping food on their table, not that there is anything wrong with it but for fuck's sake admit what you do, that you do not really believe what you spew and the only reason that you act so nice to everyone is to keep your sales up as you "network" you may think you are fooling many but the Gods they are watching; and they don't fall for the witchy rhetoric you spew as you chase the almighty buck. Witch used to mean so much, it was respected and even feared but now with all the antics of those that use the title when they shouldn't it is becoming a word of ridicule, jokes and for me it is very sad to watch. There are many of us that watch this in horror all around us, even happening to us as one witch attack or another happens.....did you not know that the big witch pages on Facebook call on their followers to attack others that might call their actions to the light? the ones that might actually try to do things right, you know those ones that refuse to bend to what they do not feel is right, yea those ones; like me they get attacked consistently, not with spells or witchcraft but gossip, nastiness and stalkers that visit our pages both personal and public and leave nasty messages, threats and comments about how we should leave their mentors alone....mentors, high priestess' are you fucken serious? if any of you believe that those people who are inciting witch attacks are actual witches then I genuinely feel sorry for you....Next we come to the Wiccans, when did Witchcraft and Wiccan become the same thing? never in my life have I thought that they were one and the same so it confuses me how anyone that follows a Wiccan path can ever think that their way is the only way, the only path, it is but one path up the mountain. If you honestly think that being Wiccan makes you superior in some way, well then I fear you will come to learn the ridiculousness of your thought.....DO NOT JUDGE! realize instead that we all follow the path we choose and what calls to us, not all witches are wiccans and not all wiccans are witches.....chew on that for minute and let it sink in.......these are not the actions of a Witch, these are the actions of cowards hiding behind the title hoping it still incites some sort of fear....to you I say this SHAME ON YOU! you literally disgust me and the bile rises whenever I happen to see one of your newest attacks or witch hunts.....all I can comfort myself with is that the ground work you lay for others today will be your self fulfilling prophecy of tomorrow...be careful with your words, their sweetness may sour quickly when you are forced to eat them.
I live, breathe, sleep and eat witchcraft, I am Witch, I am no better or worse than anyone else, I am simply better than I was yesterday, I judge no one for their spiritual path, I hurt no one unless they try to hurt me first and I protect those I love to the ends of time, these are simple words from a simple old witch, when I was a solitary witch I longed for companionship and a way to connect with others, sadly now that I have sampled so many of those connections I have come to crave my solitary life. I share my spells and I keep others to myself, I share my love of Yemaya daily, I share my devotion to the Gods, but I never think that I am more than them, I rise through them.....I wonder sometimes where the respect has gone? maybe I am a creature of a distant time one that won't come back but I hope not, I hope that some how these words, my path and my page will have an impact, somehow it will make it better for someone else that is facing these witch attacks these days like I do.....maybe somehow our community as a whole will recognize that we do not need to fear the ones outside of us, no we have to fear the ones within our own community......they are the ones pointing fingers and accusing the innocents, while they hide their own misdeeds....these thoughts should literally chill you to the bone.
I point all your fingers right back at you, and these are the words that I am throwing to the winds in the cycle of this Full Moon
To cause no harm nor return on me
As I so will So Mote it be
Witch is no longer a word that means a Wise One, no it is a word by which many hide behind, claiming to all that will listen that they are Witches, as they lie, cheat and steal from each other. Leaving behind the idea of being original, creative with their own energy they rip off each others art, spells and even teachings....what the fuck is wrong with you????!!!!??? Others go around professing their witchiness as they keep pumping out pop culture witch products that have little to no magic in them or about them but are simply their method of keeping food on their table, not that there is anything wrong with it but for fuck's sake admit what you do, that you do not really believe what you spew and the only reason that you act so nice to everyone is to keep your sales up as you "network" you may think you are fooling many but the Gods they are watching; and they don't fall for the witchy rhetoric you spew as you chase the almighty buck. Witch used to mean so much, it was respected and even feared but now with all the antics of those that use the title when they shouldn't it is becoming a word of ridicule, jokes and for me it is very sad to watch. There are many of us that watch this in horror all around us, even happening to us as one witch attack or another happens.....did you not know that the big witch pages on Facebook call on their followers to attack others that might call their actions to the light? the ones that might actually try to do things right, you know those ones that refuse to bend to what they do not feel is right, yea those ones; like me they get attacked consistently, not with spells or witchcraft but gossip, nastiness and stalkers that visit our pages both personal and public and leave nasty messages, threats and comments about how we should leave their mentors alone....mentors, high priestess' are you fucken serious? if any of you believe that those people who are inciting witch attacks are actual witches then I genuinely feel sorry for you....Next we come to the Wiccans, when did Witchcraft and Wiccan become the same thing? never in my life have I thought that they were one and the same so it confuses me how anyone that follows a Wiccan path can ever think that their way is the only way, the only path, it is but one path up the mountain. If you honestly think that being Wiccan makes you superior in some way, well then I fear you will come to learn the ridiculousness of your thought.....DO NOT JUDGE! realize instead that we all follow the path we choose and what calls to us, not all witches are wiccans and not all wiccans are witches.....chew on that for minute and let it sink in.......these are not the actions of a Witch, these are the actions of cowards hiding behind the title hoping it still incites some sort of fear....to you I say this SHAME ON YOU! you literally disgust me and the bile rises whenever I happen to see one of your newest attacks or witch hunts.....all I can comfort myself with is that the ground work you lay for others today will be your self fulfilling prophecy of tomorrow...be careful with your words, their sweetness may sour quickly when you are forced to eat them.
I live, breathe, sleep and eat witchcraft, I am Witch, I am no better or worse than anyone else, I am simply better than I was yesterday, I judge no one for their spiritual path, I hurt no one unless they try to hurt me first and I protect those I love to the ends of time, these are simple words from a simple old witch, when I was a solitary witch I longed for companionship and a way to connect with others, sadly now that I have sampled so many of those connections I have come to crave my solitary life. I share my spells and I keep others to myself, I share my love of Yemaya daily, I share my devotion to the Gods, but I never think that I am more than them, I rise through them.....I wonder sometimes where the respect has gone? maybe I am a creature of a distant time one that won't come back but I hope not, I hope that some how these words, my path and my page will have an impact, somehow it will make it better for someone else that is facing these witch attacks these days like I do.....maybe somehow our community as a whole will recognize that we do not need to fear the ones outside of us, no we have to fear the ones within our own community......they are the ones pointing fingers and accusing the innocents, while they hide their own misdeeds....these thoughts should literally chill you to the bone.
I point all your fingers right back at you, and these are the words that I am throwing to the winds in the cycle of this Full Moon
To cause no harm nor return on me
As I so will So Mote it be
24 January 2016
With Full Moon comes Full Release
Even as a kid I knew the best way to deal with a band aid was to rip it right off, even though sometimes you are almost afraid of showing the wound underneath sometimes they need air, need to be exposed so that they can heal properly. This is such the same as my health, I let people in a bit at a time and I share what it is like to live like me, but many times all I show is the edges around that band aid that remains firmly in place, forever hiding the wound. Today things have changed, both physically and emotionally all wounds need to be exposed, examined and cleared so that there can be continued growth.
I have spent some time looking at these wounds, and have dug down deep into the layers of me right to the core and I am not surprised to see that at the root of it all is the deepest fear of never being enough. Never good enough, smart enough, thin enough, beautiful enough or anything enough. These fears started as a child when I struggled to please those around me always feeling that I fell just short of what was needed, and later reinforced in my relationships with men, where one after another they cheated on me and drove home the point of never being enough. It has been the largest hurt in my life to have felt that way for so many years, it truly coloured every moment of my life, and every decision for many years. Is it possible that I have been carrying this around with me for many lifetimes? that I have agreed to carry this into all my other lifetimes because of a feeling of guilt in one? sometimes I almost can see those connections as they materialise in my dreams and I experience one or another of those relationships that I can almost remember fully in the moments before the Sun rises. Today I release all those agreements, those feelings and the guilt of having let others down in this life and others....I have told my kids for years that guilt is such a useless emotion, it holds you back and keeps you from seeing clearly what you need in life and what you don't.....turn guilt into a lesson learned and move along trying your best not to hurt yourself or others along the way, and that is what I am doing today. I release all of this and ask my Gods and guides for healing. I renounce all my fears of success, of letting others see me for who I am. I accept my light and allow others to see it.
My health has suffered for years because of all this I have held in, some will never be better, I will always have issues with my digestion, unable to sit up to eat to a certain degree....I will forever have a very limited diet as to what I can and can't eat......I will never live without pain in one form or another due to damage and degradation of joints....I will forever live in pain...I will battle mental health issues with panic....these are all simple realities for me, but I will continue to keep fighting back and getting up daily...moving forward and not giving up....I think it is the one thing in life that I have never figured out how to do yet, lay down and die.....one foot in front of the other, trudging through it all I will keep going. I write this today just because I feel it is time to admit to all I live through, the limitations, the mental health side of it all and the physical realities I deal with daily. Some would think that after all of that you would think that I spend most days in bed, and I probably should but I don't, daily I get up I create, I clean, I teach my little man in our little homeschool environment, I cook, I go to my moms every other day at a minimum to take her out to town, I care for my husband's needs and then ultimately I socialize with all of those on my Facebook page and my personal page....this makes up my days and nights. I take heat for my online life, and the amount of time I put into my page and my little business on Etsy, not from those that live with me actually but from some of my detractors online, and there are many....other witch pages that I have refused to play nice with for the sake of networking my wares, that will once again wage war on me for mentioning it, even though that are those on my page that are well aware of these tactics as they have faced them themselves with me....I carry the weight of my world literally on my shoulders but I keep trudging on. and I always will.....I release all of that as well.....May the Gods relieve me of the buckling weight of the judgments of mortals.
So much release for me with this Full Moon, some might think it is not the right time at this stage of the Moon but for me it is perfect timing....the healing I require is so grand and over the top that only a Full Moon release could do it for me I feel and so that would be why someone was guided to me to start working on me from a distance with intuitive healing to help me to see all of this. On one of those days where I did a card drawing on the page I was sent a message that changed so many things for me, Dawn is a wonderful healer with magical energy, she has done so much for me in the two treatments she has given me that I was able to share all of this without the normal panic that would set in to let others see the reality of my life, if you have not had the pleasure to make the acquaintance of her page please check it out on Facebook, Good Vibrations - A New Dawn, she is wonderful! I will gladly be accepting any more healing she is willing to send my way, keeping in mind that the visitors she had because of working on me demanded cake and carnations, a truly magical experience for me.
Blessings all, I hope you too are feeling relieved, refreshed and released from old burdens, bindings and beliefs that no longer served by the majesty of this Full Wolf Moon.
much love
Tess
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