11 April 2017

Chronic Lyme and Me

I always know it is going to be a deep and gut wrenching post when I start by staring at a blank screen, type, stop, read, delete! delete! delete! start again, repeat and repeat again, until finally the words begin to spill out and fill the page, flowing easily like the multitude of tears that have flowed lately for me.

Where should I start? the physical? the emotional? the mental state? thankfully the spiritual side is solid.....we have been on the hunt for what has been disabling me for the last almost 30 years, there have been many diagnoses', I fear many of them have NOT been accurate, if any at all actually....that in itself is a whole other can  of worms that I am contending with in my mind, the amount of times that I have taken poison to fix what they said was the issue to then have it either make it worse, or uncover something else...my positive side keeps telling me to look at the bigger picture and know that I am still here so maybe in all that some things actually helped....it right now is an inner struggle for clarity as I walk the minefield that has become my health. Suddenly there was a Staph infection, it showed itself first on my breast, as the lump grew and became inflamed off to the ER we went....to have it cut open, drained, packed and a prescription for antibiotics....this same thing happened to me just about 8 years ago. It was a long drawn out ordeal that included surgery, cauterization, and months of nurse visits and homecare....it of course unnerved me, the doctor being aware of the history and my failing health wrote a script that may have actually inadvertently saved my life in the long run not just in that infection. At that point  my speech was becoming quite affected as well as my mobility....I suffered mainly in silence, I thought I hid it well but I am being told not so much from those closest to me, watching me suffer was something they were not ready for either ~ they always watched before but this was different, there were multiple things happening at once, and it seemed to be coming on quickly.....at this point we got the MRI reports, there was no MS to be found so once again treatment was eluding me.....it was then that my sister from years before reached out to me, again as she had tried so many times before, she knew what it was, she was sure and suggested I speak to my doctor about this, I told her I would since I had an appointment the next day I had that conversation. By that time I had had time to go back through my health history and correlate the times I had mysteriously gotten better, with stages of flares and remissions, always involving long courses of antibiotics, sometimes upto 3 months to kill persistent infections....my kidneys, my liver, the staph infection....it was a consistent cycle of meds that brought out my healthiest moments I could remember, like I was suddenly cured, feeling great, no pain then I would start the slide all over again, further, deeper into a hole of despair, each time harder and harder to find my way out of. 
The moment I sat with my doctor that has known me for approximately 24 years and broached the subject of Chronic Lyme I was at the end of what could be causing this disability, I needed answers that could help....he listened thoughtfully, opened my chart, starting looking at the past, the incidents I reminded him of, the cycles I had lived through of what now to him also seemed like remission and flares....at that moment his words were a moment I won't forget ever, "Now I think we are onto something" the staph infection was still raging at this point, so he looked at the med and said well this does treat Lyme as well so we can try another course of it, I did, the staph infection died and another one shot up elsewhere....another course of antibiotics, now 6.5 weeks of antibiotics, and I herxed, badly....for those that don't know what this means it is the bacteria that cause Lyme disease dying off and creating endotoxins that cause you to feel worse than you did before you started treatment. There is more information available here, it was bad, I was of course not detoxing at that point and totally unprepared for it.....I was happy though to have an answer, something that actually was working, I thought ok now we get treatment under way....I knew about the years we would need, it would be hard but there was hope again. Then I spoke to my doctor and of course the dreaded blood test for Lyme came up, its highly inaccurate, something everyone knows, still something that is required to be positive for treatment ~ conventional treatment of 30 days of antibiotics and that's it you are cured! I wish it was that simple, it of course is not, not by a longshot is it that simple or cut and dried.....Chronic Lyme is something that the medical field many in unison deny the existence of, and for those that have taken on the system to say yes it exists, yes I treat patients for it well they have either lost their medical licences or given them up to follow a holistic or naturopath calling, and many Lyme patients are so thankful for them. It is the general thought in the medical world that the test is proof and the only proof, it is not, and should not be used as the only designation of Chronic Lyme by doctors as you can read about here

So finally I am sat there knowing what it is, waiting on test results that because my exposure was almost 30 years ago were bound to be negative and they didn't disappoint and with that my access to modern medicine for anything other than when my body reaches crisis again, this was not an acceptable option. Although I can understand any doctors reluctance to put them out there for a patient and risk their licence this did nothing for the deflation and reality crushing soul moment that was. I stood in my kitchen staring at my herbal shelf, with my laptop looking for help, I reached out to my niece who has been helping her mother for years with her own case of Chronic Lyme and asked for help, for once I was totally stumped and possibly feeling it all crashing down around me, but I knew I had made progress and I wanted to keep going....a few days later I was told about the Results RNA and I found a renewed sense of hope. I also remembered that approximately in the middle of the last major crisis of my health I had seen a Naturopath, she had listened intently to my list of ailments and how I felt and she suggested then that it sounded to her like Chronic Lyme.....at the time I was seeing a Nurse Practitioner having moved out of my doctors area for a time, and she was skeptical and did not agree so testing never happened, it might not have changed anything then either considering the state of the accuracy of the test. Now here I am, this is me and yes Chronic Lyme lives here, and now I have a possible way to get better, a doctor and a plan....and no provincial, federal or modern medicine supports that we all take for granted here in Ontario....No OHIP to help me, no this has to come out of pocket to the tune of just about $6000 or slightly more for my medication alone, over the period of a year, plus office visits, plus any antibiotics I may need if my body goes into crisis, and as I get sicker to get better working on my shop is impossible, the total cost for the year will hit more or less $10,000 doesn't sound like much to save your life does it? our entire combined income last year was $17,500 and that was a huge improvement from living in New Brunswick but still a far cry from being able to afford this, I try to keep the faith but sometimes it is just too much. I am thankful for the family emotional support I have and thankful that I will have more of it soon, I am sorry that they have to watch me go through all of this but I hold onto hope that it will give me freedom from so much pain in the future. My speech is improving, still a bit confused at times to make instant connections on anything and if you know me well you know that is NOT like me at all, but it is an improvement....I now have more tinctures coming to help me with detoxing my body so that the herxing is not so bad, and yesterday and today I was able to make dinner for us all took me 4 hours to do it all but I did it and I am thankful for that.......I have faith that somehow it will work itself out, and the treatments will continue. 

I am not fooled though, I know it will be a long road, and a difficult one, I am trying not to let my anxiety take it over, which I have found is possibly a result of the Lyme as well as the fact that I spent some time with my GI tract actually paralyzed, another by product....so many things.....so much that at times I am overwhelmed and saddened, my Vitamin D is almost off the charts, another one I have to tackle next....today in this Full Moon light I am putting this all out there, asking for your energy, love and understanding on this journey of mine....and most of all I am grateful to all of you that have stood by me and helped me get to this point.....now to fix it all, and expect more information in the blog about treatments, results that I am experiencing and I also have a photo album on my personal page of my fight with Lyme, a picture is worth a thousand words right? and if nothing else it might help someone else that suffers to know they are not alone. 

For now I leave you with this, be kind, be gentle when you walk in the lives of others, you have no idea what they are fighting, if you looked at me and didn't know me you would never guess what it takes to make me walk head held high as if the world is filled with unicorns and rainbows for me.

Blessings to you all and bucketloads of love 


02 March 2017

Reflection, Repose and Reset

What do you do when your eyes can't see the world you saw a few weeks ago? How do you still go back to the same places you went before? and when you do how do you not look at people and see them for who they showed you they were? I have sat with these questions since last Friday.....when I went back to that post office. I have sat with many other questions as well, some for me, some for others......did I over react? should I have not gotten upset? why am I so very upset about this? is it the experience itself or what it means that has me so shaken.....try as I might I can't just brush it off like it was nothing, and yet in the grand scheme of racism and xenophobia what I experienced was minimal....not even directed at me at first, I placed myself in their sights when I defended others.....would I do it again? would I have the courage to speak up again if faced with this situation again? and the worst question......how do others deal with this daily, day in day out, how do you keep your sanity, your spirits and your belief in humans and their goodness intact?

This situation has led to some deep soul searching, some thinking and processes, many processes that I have had to deal with for me and for my son, coping skills....he now refuses to set foot in the post office. It has become a place he associates with "mean" people as he puts it, 7 years old and he gets that what happened there was not right, it shouldn't have happened.....as he works through it we deal with more sounds, less words....more moments of little meltdowns as I drive through town. The other day I received an email from Canada Post telling me my ticket had been closed....they had completed it and there was nothing left to say....I disagree, in fact I disagreed before they closed their ticket....I disagreed when last Friday afternoon I had to go in and check my mail and my mother's to find an incorrect envelope in my box and had to head in the storefront....I disagreed when I walked in the door and that woman stood there, smiling ear to ear like a Cheshire cat....I disagreed when she smiled warmly at me like someone that thought they were my friend....I disagreed when I walked out and called the District Manager and left a message telling him that although he had apologized for him, Canada Post and the Post Master at that location, as much as he assured me that Canada Post does not condone this at all, I disagreed because she said not one word, no acknowledgement, no apology, no anything at all.....I disagreed when I felt sick to my stomach and when my anxiety kicked into high gear when faced with her....I still disagree, still they have closed the ticket.....this is not over by a long shot, not for me. 

I am disappointed in Canada Post, I am disappointed in my town, and all in all I am simply disappointed in these people, from top to bottom. I have had time to think about all this, I have cried rivers of tears about this, and I have even admonished myself silently for speaking up at times, life could have been so much simpler if I had not felt compelled to speak truth to their ignorance....I have not decided where I am going to go with this from here, I have not given it enough thought yet or found a path forward as I muddle through all the feelings that came to me through this traumatic experience....a new found respect for those that deal with much worse was born in me that day too, even though I have lived through it before I realize that I have been sheltered from it for years in this area because of my appearance, mistaken for being a Native Canadian.....something that has happened to me both from the Native and non Native community.....the long dark hair, the black eyes....the very real Portuguese Canadian blood that flows in my veins says different. 

For now I am content simply being, existing, incubating, allowing the poisons to finish their path to ravaging my body, in the name of healing, we shall see......for now I keep myself busy with my page, teaching my witchlet as the men cook and clean around here, keeping everything going while I convalesce. This thing with Canada Post it won't end here, I won't let it...but it will keep until my physical and spiritual self are back in perfect tune.....this round of meds is done tomorrow! woohoo one more day! then a break to regroup and find the next step on the health front. My eldest son thinks I am superwoman, when he sent me that message I cried, smiled through those tears but still if he only knew how far away from that I felt at that moment, if he could only have seen me....my boys they remind me that I have never given up on anything and neither do they, my girls strike at the world, independent, strong, together they remind me that I am mom and it has always been my job to show them the way through, and I don't do that by shying away or being afraid of what life brings. I fight for every step and respect every freedom and responsibility. Such is my life and such is me.....I wouldn't want it any other way.

So would I do it again? would I stand up for someone else again? even if they weren't there and it could mean that I would face it directed at me? yes I would. I regret that my son was there on one hand, but on another I am glad that he saw that his mom would not allow racism and xenophobia to be expressed in front of him, did he understand that as it was happening? hell no, but he does now.....and he understands that it is wrong, never for a moment think that a child with or without Aspergers will not absorb the words being said around them, they are sponges! now he knows those are words we do not support as human beings and as he states to any that would think to ask him his views  "we all bleed red" and that is what I want him to know and always remember, equality...we are all equal and I have realized that at the heart of it all I have always been an advocate for equality.....I think maybe that should be the path that comes from all this, the advocate becomes an activist.....it will be as the Gods see fit!

Blessings to you all that walk along with me!

22 February 2017

What A Canadian Looks Like #whatacanadianlookslike

I live in a tiny little town in the Kawartha Lakes, a beautiful picturesque place filled with shimmering lakes, hence the name. It is a truly amazing and beautiful place to live and I did truly love it until yesterday. In my travels in the past I have always heard rumblings of racism and xenophobia here but it was always nothing more than that which an empath like me would pick up on, not something openly expressed....not in years, not in cottage country, not in Canada......not true anymore.

I have been in this town since I was 9 years old, we started off as cottagers, living in downtown Toronto and making the weekend trek up here. I was a kid and I loved it, it meant swimming and gardening and hanging out with my dad all weekend, ending the long summer days with fishing in the aluminum boat, just him and I....happiest moments in my life.....Toronto was different back then our parents dealt with racism daily so they stayed within their little communities for socializing and as much work as possible, but within us kids there really was no racism, there was the odd bully that would have ideas of calling us names.....dirty porkchop was a favourite but otherwise the rest of us simply all played together....even then I could not keep my mouth shut, when someone is having their rights trampled on, or someone is hurting another in any way even if the are not there in their presence I have never been able to not speak up for the rights of others....that earned me other names as a child, marshmallow (my name was Melo then), Mother Teresa and of course dirty rotten porkchop was ever present. You would think it would have made me be introverted, quiet, shy and unable to speak up but no for me it always had the opposite effect my mouth got larger when it was to defend others. This town it was safe though, I went places with my dad, the old Co-Op was a favourite with all the seeds and farmers in and out, sometimes they even had animals and everyone was always so great, friendly and kind to us.....I loved it here as a kid, I grew up here, I got married here, bad things happened to me here but never by the people of the town, when my kids were young we finally moved here and now have lived here for almost 17 years.....I left for a bit but my heart remained and I came back.......and this year I celebrate a 40 year history in this town....and it took till this year for my love for this town to really take a hit. 

Yesterday it was a long day, I drove 3 hours each way to go and get some health news, more poisons to feed my body and then back home, it makes for a long day, yesterday I made it back to town by 3:30 I was amazed thinking it was my lucky day that now I could make it to the mail to finally mail out that box that I have for my sister out in Calgary.....dropped my eldest son off at the pharmacy in town to pick up the poisons and off my seven yr old and I went....again getting there I thought it was my lucky day there was only one person in line, I always feel so bad making people wait when I send packages, no worries today. I walked into a conversation that was already going on, about a local person that I knew already didn't start well for me, but I went up to the counter to a familiar and friendly face behind it.....the conversation between the man and the other employee of the Post Office ~ oh yes this was in a Canada Post location ~ their conversation turned to security measures at the airport, to then he brought up a current bill in the House of Commons here that prohibits Islamophobia, in light of the recent attack in the Quebec Mosque they introduced this bill....let's really think about what that means Islamophobia, a phobia is an irrational fear of something, so Canada saying collectively that they do not support an irrational fear of Islam is what it really means, but not to these two, no to these two it means that somehow they are trying to pass Sharia Law.....it started with me saying that is not true, I looked at the employee the one engaged in this conversation with this man spreading ignorant, hateful, untruths so openly and told her you should not be allowing this to happen in a Federal building. This was met with more hate but directed at me, as he kept going with his tirade on Islam, I asked what he actually knew about it, he knew enough....the employee of the Post Office said I don't care as long as they don't make me have to learn about it, so I asked her but it's ok that I am a Pagan and I have to learn about your Christian values? she had no response but this of course piqued the man's interest because then he took a good look at me and asked me what I was,

"What are you? you don't look Canadian." yep there it was......

I told him I was just as Canadian as he was and in case he didn't realize it was a country built on multiculturalism that means I am just as Canadian as anyone else......this made me look at the employee again and tell her that now she was allowing me to be racially attacked as he continued his tirade at me as I was speaking to the employee, I was called a dirty rotten liberal, a fucken liberal and he leaned in to me and told me we would lose in 2019, as he finally listened to the one employee that was helping me with my post and had asked him 4 times to leave.....he left and I was left standing there shaking, angry and upset......with two employees of Canada Post, one who was apologetic and tried everything within her power to make me feel safe and the other that had encouraged first the conversation, standing in her uniform, behind a Federal counter in a Federal building paid for in part by my taxes and every other Canadians and residents of Canada and she had just allowed and ENCOURAGED this to happen to me a fellow Canadian......she defended him as it being just an exchange of opinions, harmless like as she said all the other opinions they hear in there.....I told her she had just allowed hate speech, racism and xenophobia in what should be a safe space for all residents of Canada to enter into, it should be a safe space for everyone residents or not.....her response to me was to walk up to the one that was helping me and tell her "Good Luck with this one, I am out of here" as she walked out I told her this won't die here, I will report this to Canada Post, this should never ever happen in a Federal building by a Federal employee......I asked the kind woman that was still helping me for pertinent information for my complaint she provided it, she tried to calm me and I asked her 

"When was the last time you faced racism directed at you?" she answered me honestly with "never"

I thanked her and turned around another woman had at some point come into the room, I am not sure when but what I do know is when I turned around and looked at her she could only look down.....it was a sad moment......my son who had done what he does when he is upset had tried to get me focus on bubble wrap his most favorite thing, but even though I hoped he wouldn't be uspet by what he witnessed, he started with his methods to decompress, deal with stress in the van, with Aspergers it is difficult for him to process ugliness, especially directed at his mother. I picked up my other son and drove out of town pulled over on the highway, handed my phone to my son and asked him to get Canada Post on the line for me, he asked me why and a little voice said from the back "a lady and a guy were really mean to mom at the Post Office"......he got someone on the line and I just cried my eyes out to the lady that answered, I told her I was so upset....I went through it all, she told me how sorry she was and that please understand that Canada Post does not condone this behaviour, she thanked me for my courage to stand up for others, she told me literally to "Rock on" to go home and give myself some self care and that they will handle this they will not just sweep it under the rug....I told her I was going to write this, I was going to make sure that at least in my town I am not going to sweep this shit under the rug, pretend its ok or that it is just someone else's harmless opinion, IT IS NOT AN OPINION it is HATE, RACISM and XENOPHOBIA and it does not stand in my Canada!

I was a mess, I cried to my husband, my friends and my kids, my daughter from Timeless Attic Craft started a post that I am so proud of #whatacanadianlookslike
this is me I am a Canadian and this is what I look like! Join my daughter and share what you look like as a Canadian on social media....let's show everyone that Canadians we come in all ways so let's be proud of that and make sure that we support each other and not allow those that think now is the time to let hate take over our country that NO WE DO NOT SUPPORT HATE! 


03 February 2017

Witch is my name, Magic is in my Veins

I sit and stare at the blank screen wanting to write, to let it all out, all the things that have been happening, all the changes to come and yet I feel stifled, unsure, struggling with feelings of physical failure to be truthful. Vulnerability is always so hard to show, especially in our magical world where one witch or another is trying to prove how strong her magic is....that is not me, it never has been me and it never will be me, so then I had to decide what it was that was actually keeping me silent....acceptance....not yours but mine....acceptance that I will not get better I will manage, but I will never get better..yes that was the hardest part for me, accepting that made me vulnerable, made me dependent to a certain degree, and I hate to be dependent. When Celiac disease was discovered I think a part of me really believed that would be the end of the worse health struggles, yes the other conditions, fibro & SLE, still existed but were so exasperated by the gluten issues that I hoped it would allow for longer remissions from it all....it hasn't.....now almost a year later of the struggle to confirm MS I sit here as my physical body deteriorates and I struggle with the words to express what is happening, both in the written and in the verbal sense for very different reasons though.....when I get upset I can't speak clearly at times, when I discuss my health these days even in writing I get upset.....facing disability is not something that is as easy as some may think, it is not a ticket to some free ride that is filled with happiness and laziness, it is a ride on a roller coaster of health professionals, hospitals, tests, vampires after your blood, and many nights and days of frustrations as those around you grapple with the realities of all you cannot do anymore and how it changes you. It is about Pain, lots of pain....I am going to write this and I am going to get upset, I will do my best not to but this difficult subject has its way with me often.

Just over a year and a half ago these pains started in my ribcage, these horrible stop you in your tracks, trying to breathe slowly kind of pain....it would make me hold my arm tight to my side as if that somehow would stop it, they weren't long in duration 1 - 3 mins but for me living them when they strike it seems like a lifetime before they are done.....then came the stiffness in my joints, my hands don't always co operate, and my feet well one isn't too bad but the other one well it isn't much help at times, so I found ways to cope with that, walking sticks, canes and I guess I will eventually need a walker and then a wheel chair, yes I know that will come, I think I have known that for a very long time. The pains still happen but I have realized if I try to remain as calm as possible, content with my flowers, magic, my wire and my page then they happen with less frequency....waiting for the MRI has been I think the hardest part as I have issues with other things as well now, especially my speech.....I once was a very clear and articulate person, I spoke well and often in public and never had an issue with the concept of public speaking and now I try not to have long conversations with even my inner circle, not because I don't want to but because I just cannot do it without effort, might sound minimal to say it requires effort, but think about how often do you have conversations with people and have to actually think about how your mouth is going to move to say the word....that is where I am at, I can think very clearly and express myself through writing clearly but when trying to speak verbally at times I have to slow myself down and be expressly aware.....yes it is upsetting, yes I am having issues with it, yes I need answers and I hope that soon I will have them, even for the lump that has decided to come through on my breast, when it rains it fucking pours....escapism has never been my way, my reality is this still exists and I still have to deal with it on a daily basis......so I have come to the conclusion that writing while I can still type thankfully this is the way through for me......so here I am, this is what is happening to me, and I am coping, sometimes well, sometimes not so well.

On a spiritual level I have come through the hardest part of accepting this, realizing it is not a reflection of who I am, or of my worth as a Witch, if anything a confirmation of strength and magic for me, without one or the other I would have given up long ago. My pain of this life has taught me much and giving up was never one of those things.....so I may not speak much to you verbally in the future but I will write, and I will write even more now so that I know the words are there, my beliefs, my dreams and my loves....oh yes and I am making recordings for my granddaughter and my little witch so that they can know all the mysteries of my magical path, in case when the times come I am unable to do so with my own lips, the beauty of technology will for me......so yes I am coping, making plans and finding work arounds.......I refuse to allow disability to own my soul, my body I have come to grips with but not my soul...

I am still me, Witch is my name, magic is in my veins, disability will not own me....this is me being honest, real and vulnerable, expect more of it.....

19 December 2016

Let there be Rainbows!

I have been silent for some time now, a swirl of activity is always around me, I am very vocal in real time but the ability to write at times eludes me, never because of a lack of things to say but more because the thoughts fly furiously from one area to another, there is so much for me to say that it becomes overwhelming to even begin! This last year has been a difficult one for me and my family and for many other people as well, so much loss this year, so much pain and anger. My family has struggled this year with health issues from mental health to physical, accepting my loss of complete mobility independence has been quite the difficult experience for me. I think it becomes even harder for those of us that are empaths when our socialization becomes filled with anger in the world and our safe spaces are invaded with pain....and that is where I found myself for much of this year, processing not just my own pain, both physical and emotional but in taking in and feeling the pain of all those connected to me, shields or not when it is all encompassing everywhere you will feel it no matter how strong your shields are, and by our own very compassionate hearts we are doomed to process it.

The world is a crazy place right now, I think this every day as I get up and look through the morning posts. Nothing makes sense anymore really, and yet it is all so very clear, in a sick sort of way it was easy to see it coming, but yet we didn't, we couldn't see, we became complacent, thought it would never happen again and it snuck up on us all...out of sight out of mind they say.....words never truer spoken honestly...the veil has fallen and now the ugly, vile, hatred that festered under the surface has boiled over, and none of us anywhere will ever be the same again.....and the reality of it all is terrifying. That is where we all are, whether by choice or not so now what do we do about it? That is where I have been stuck for some time, wondering what can I actually do? how can I help? and can I even make it past my own triggers of abuse to reach out and help others? This entire year has been like watching some giant reality show that has triggered every domestic abuse memory in my life, one by one I have seen the effects in myself, thankfully my old guy is understanding and helps me, listens, holds and cares for me as I process, I am a lucky witch.....but what about everyone else that does not have that kind of support, how is this all affecting them? I can tell you from some of the support requests I have gotten it is not well, everyone is struggling, hearts are breaking, souls are preparing to hide for the next while until they might someday feel a semblance of safety again. It is just all too much to even contemplate for my mind right now, too far reaching and way too overwhelming and that is where I am again overwhelmed......so I had to go deep to find my happy place....out came my wire.

Wire, all kinds of colors, rainbows of colors, my hands hurt like I can't even explain how much, my joints are swelling randomly and I have issues bending them but my familiar callous of pulling wire is there again, I am surrounding myself in rainbows and dragons.....I am trying to find a way to cope and the only way for me to pull my heart out of the darkness is to create, bring to life, surround myself with color so that I can start to send love out in waves again. Walking now is very difficult at times, not always but way too much of the time still, my ankles are not liking it so much so now the actual function of stepping gets a little difficult at times so wire is good, keeps me seated and working...I try not to complain but the truth is that my physical abilities are deteriorating faster than I care to admit...while I wrap though I am present, centered and grounded, the pain becomes something else as I connect to the energies around me, my face changes, my eyes visibly in trance, it is a meditation an all encompassing one, it creates a fire that burns as I twist, the one that makes me breathe heavy as my heart pumps louder and harder I am out of breath and actually having a work out as if I was up there doing jumping jacks because I feel as spent as if I was, their fire moves through me and comes out my fingers into the creations that I am so gratefully gifted with crafting.....am I escaping? fucken right I am, to my safe place, to the place where I connect with my Gods, receive inspiration and the will to keep going. I don't expect my rainbow trees and dragons eyes to save the world, my oils to cure the ills, I just know that creating, crafting and in turn taking care of my family is how I craft my magic and my magic is rooted in love.....do I expect that to make a difference? hell yea, and anyone that claims empath or intuitive will say the same, only when rooted in love can we make a difference.....start with your corner of the world, try to radiate it out in any way you can....we all have to get past the overwhelm and radiate love and strength....I can do it, we can do it and it will make a difference.....

I truly wish for peace, kindness, love and family for us all through these difficult times, a Merry Yule to you all out there, Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas, in my home we celebrate it all, this year on our table will be a special candle lit to all those out there that need a little love and support, and it shall burn all year on my altar, that is how I will continue to send love to those that need it. Help where you can in any way you can...be safe, be strong and help those around you....be good people, and the darkness won't win.

Many blessings to you all from me, my old guy, and the kidlets and furbabies here at Witch's Chamber!


07 August 2016

Walking her path

Once upon a time there was a witch, a young one without formal training, she kind of floated in the wind....she knew she was witch, but she could not explain how, but her way of the witch was not the way of the books....her way was of the plants, the animals and her ancestors....her hands just knew what to do, how to do and even when, it was not written on paper but branded within her and her soul yearned for freedom. She knew she had to find her way back to herself, just like that, in a moment that this was her only path, forced to walk it alone.

Along her path she went from one tradition to another, she searched for one to show her, teach her, help her understand about circles, corners and directions.....these were foreign to her as she was foreign to it....her witchcraft involved words, dancing, energy, salt, herbs, fire, soil and the Moon, but by the way of the Gods or the way of man teachers were always just out of reach so she continued to stumble along and learn along her way...tools fell into her hands, all she needed was always provided so she walked and opened her heart and let the Gods speak to her, listened to the Spirits that surrounded her and danced with them in the dark. She reached deep down within herself and lived with her darkness, saw her root and embraced it.....knew she was not like others and rejoiced for it.
She continued to walk her path, alone....now by choice.

One day she met a man that stood larger than life, in front of a Moon that glistened behind him, like a moment out of a dream she walked around a corner and there he stood, beckoning all that would hear to look at that wondrous Moon. She shone so bright, so beautiful and he stood so connected and true, like a messenger from all that she had lost connection to, an ancestral deep past that beckoned her, called to her but she had not found the map or tools yet to make the voyage that far back. He provided them, he did not turn her away, or make her feel wrong for her ways, he accepted and welcomed her into his world. He knew that she could not do it quickly, and he was patient, he understood her anxieties, her fears and her mental and physical health issues and he accepted her anyway.....he may not have even been totally aware of the impact and encouragement he gave her to keep true to her path and to keep going..do the work, learn and connect to your ancestors...she respected him, his energy and his knowledge so she listened and learned with each year a little more and awakened more of her soul that had been lost or hidden in the dark recess' of her heart.....he kept teaching slowly, firmly and kindly always one with compassion. To her he still stood larger than life years later, just like the first moment....a great man, a wonderful teacher and a witchdoctor to be respected.....gratitude for it all flows from her to the Gods for bringing a friend, teacher and guide of this magnitude into her life.

She still has much further to go, many more steps to take, a path that appears below her with each step.....and she shall continue to walk not so alone anymore.

28 July 2016

My Coping Mechanisms

I think it was a little over a week ago that I let people know I was going to start the screening and testing for MS. I chose that moment to say it because I felt I was ready for it, I was coping I thought even though I had much longer to get used to the idea....I was wrong. The moment I said it out loud to everyone else other than just in email conversations it became a reality....I was flooded with so many feelings, and so was everyone around me....odd isn't it we already deal with all my other illness' and have for as long as my children have been alive and as long as I have been with my old guy, but add this one that seems to make so much sense and explain so much and the boat tipped. Yes one of the feelings I had was relief, and while I thought that would tide me through the unknown again I was wrong. I really struggled with this, I think partially because I feel in my heart the testing is just a formality, my entire health history points to it, never mind points it screams it out loud! I still struggled....and I struggled hard, those that have the inside track in my life knew it, they felt it even though I didn't say much, I guess that is how they knew I was struggling I went quiet.....I started to post pictures, pretty flowers are everywhere, moments with my old guy, happy little snippets of a life that seems idyllic and filled with happiness and sunshine, if you know me you know what that means, if you don't then you only see the surface of rainbows and unicorns.....my truth and life is much harsher than that.....so am I lying when I am posting all the happy stuff? hell no, I am coping!

I am sure my day starts like many others that suffer with chronic conditions, you know we open our eyes and wait to see if something is hurting today that is new from yesterday, we get out of bed gingerly and hope that it will be a good day, we will it to be so many times before we even get up....positive thinking it has a huge impact on our lives, we work hard to keep it strong and alive, sometimes though with chronic illness it is difficult, the pain, the reality, the limitations sometimes make it completely impossible not to slip into that dark pit, but we give it a gallant effort everyday even when we just decide to sit in our pj's, every moment we go on is a little victory.....wouldn't it be great if when we were in our pits we could see that? I just spent about a week in there, mucking around in how I feel about everything, trying to rest and prepare myself for what I know is to come....my way to cope is to feel the magic of the natural world around me, I let it sing to me, carry my soul around and show me the beauty that is all around...those I love take on an etheral look to me, I see a glow around them that makes me feel like someone that is literally walking on cloud 9....I fill my Spirit and my heart with love and I try to share it....at the end of the day I am still in pain, sometimes I can walk better sometimes I have pushed myself too far and can't think of doing anything else....I create, I let the energy of the Gods flow through me and revitalize my energy, I create pieces of beauty and they fill me with magic and wonder.....someday's I can eat, others I can't, the pain, the nausea and other issues get in the way...still I post love, I feel love, it helps me swallow the bitter jagged pill of intolerance I face, judgments....I write, in the face of those that criticize me, put me down openly and behind the scenes......people who don't know me, think they did but haven't followed along assume my life is a ride on a wave of glory and gold.....truth is my old guy is in his early 50's and I am fast approaching my 50th year and we just moved cross country a very hard thing to do for us but necessary because in the four years we lived in New Brunswick we faced soul crushing, bone breaking poverty...no matter what we did we could not break the cycle, until we left the entire province and started over in Ontario....my reality is harsh, my critics are assholes and the magic saves my life.....still I have moments, ones where I need to reach out, the pressure becomes too much and I have to let it go, I have said before my pressure valve goes off....that was the result of the the blog the other day, Fuck Judgments, it makes me angry and sad at the same time that I even feel a need to write that.....I knew there would be reprecussions and there were, still I wrote it and I would write it again if need be.

This move came with alot of outside help, people who came out of the woodwork to help us get here, push us forward, I am really grateful of them, they had no prior obligation to help us, I believe heavily inspired by the Gods to do so. Everyday I hold hope I will get a text telling me that our home there is sold, that we can finally put NB behind us, move forward, pay back our debts and start with a clean slate here, but no everyday it hasn't happened yet, people start to get antsy. reading my posts thinking I am living on filet and prime rib, when in truth I am simply happy that we have a full fridge for once, that for the first time in 4 years I can have more than one meal a day instead of just making sure that there is enough for the boy, we may have gone without and still do at times but he never does...our lives are dedicated to him in every way. All these things and more tumbled around this amidst emails and threats, requests and more threats, the MS thing, along with the pain in my ribcage, the falling down randomly, the lack of strength in my arms and legs, the stiffness in my fingers, the blurry vision, and of course we cannot forget the nausea....but yet still Nature, the Gods, magic and the love around me propped me up, I kept going, I kept reaching for something in each day to keep me positive....if you think I can't handle pressure you don't know me, I help my son cope with his brain tumor, my young one cope and learn how to deal with his ADHD and other behavioural issues while I homeschool him, I help my old guy deal with little business and customers, I help my daughter deal with her mental health issues, my mother with whatever she needs daily and my other daughter with my granddaughter whenever she needs me and of course I cannot forget my shop and page, pressure has never been my issue, mine has always been an issue of poor health, which makes for a hard life. Until now we had medication costs of over $5000 a year with no help, housing costs, food, fuel, heat, the list went on and on.....I am very grateful to be in Ontario and once the past is done in NB, the road ahead is covered in sunshine.....and even if it's not I am sure the Gods will help me by showing me the beauty that others miss, and I promise I will share, and so goes the way of magic and how I cope with my stressful, chronically painful life.

Find your ways to tap into the magic around you, believe in your own magic, hold it to your heart and let it fill you with love, hold your ground, be honorable but don't let people push you around....be kind but remain true to you and your path.....these are my words of advice....and when you need to have a meltdown just let it happen, cry your eyes out, then get back up there and figure yourself out and always remember to love yourself.