02 June 2018

Does my vagina threaten you?

What do you do when you want to write but you just can't find the words? well for me I sit and stare at the screen, I write a sentence, backspace it off and then stare some more....there is so much I want to say, so much has happened in almost a year since I have sat and written, I mean I still write, but short posts, little notes and I of course journal, but when it came to writing here well I just couldn't do it......then today after the events of this week I decided enough of the silence.......my question is simple, maybe shocking, but simple nonetheless....does my vagina threaten you? or is it simply that I do not have a penis but rather a vagina that threatens you?

I am many things, witch, daughter, wife, mother, mom (which you might think is mother but mom is distinctly different than mother), and av√≥ (grandmother in Portuguese), yes I am all these labels and then I am me....but I am so much more than the labels, I am so much more than what I am to all those that look to me, but that gets lost, in the day to day, in the taking care of others and doing what needs doing......me I get lost.......as I know so many of us do...for me the last year and a bit have been a long haul, some of the longest times of my life with the treatment of Late Stage Lyme, I will treat for the rest of my life....I know this....I am ok with this....the alternative is let it run rampant and my life becomes significantly shorter....that I am not ok with.

All of us have our struggles, agreed? I thought that the worst thing I would have to deal with was the Lyme treatment then in early March my mother fell down the back steps, it was a hugely traumatic and painful thing for her, and me and my little guy who saw her in that state, she looked like the Elephant Man, face swollen, black eyes starting and totally disoriented, it was terrifying...it's no secret to anyone that knows me or her that we have had a difficult relationship at times through the years, sometimes due to her stuff sometimes mine, but regardless she's my mom and it was terrifying to see her that way, and it brought back flashbacks of when my dad passed first in my arms and then in the ambulance, while was I sitting in there with him.....my mother in law passing of cancer in April as well did not help the feelings of loss, more parents dying, more hard moments......not good times! The fall meant a rush to the hospital, a worried experience to have them not do any kind of tests, just talk to her decide she is fine and send her home.....she is 75 this year....her dizzy spells continued after this....almost 3 months later, after tests, another hospital visit when she thought she was having a stoke, it STILL took me getting upset that no one would listen to her, asking direct questions about accountability in the event that something happens to her before they address the issue, that she in her own right has now isolated to be a medication issue, only to have it ignored and questions about her needing her home assessed for safety since she is so dizzy....drop her dose on her meds and that will stop it....ignored again......thankfully after the abysmal appointment with her practitioner, her cardiologist understood and issued a new script, a lower dose, the next day no more head spins....she is a new woman, she is happy and smiling and enjoying the outdoors, she is no longer confused, upset and confined to one area because she is afraid to fall down the stairs....no joke there, we literally walked with her down the steps and up to make sure that she was ok.....of course this was not a well received experience by her Nurse Practitioner.....they feel I was "threatening and inappropriate" .....well fuck me! I find it highly threatening and inappropriate to risk my mother's life....I racked my brain wondering did I swear? um no....I know I must have yelled? um nope didn't do that either......did I cut her off mid sentence? um yes when she ignored what my mother was trying to tell her.....I was clear, direct and concise, we were not a tea party, this has been going on for near 3 months! the time for idle chat and theories was pretty much gone.....

I am not going to lie, this really upset me, that in advocating for my mother's health, translating for her because although she can speak the language it can get complicated with health questions so it helps at times, in doing that and asking who is to be held accountable since no one will listen is threatening then yep I am totally guilty......do I regret it?  well, let's see in true Libra fashion.......on one hand another person thinks I am an ogre, the evil witch that lives in this little town and curses people....and on the other, my mom is feeling so much better and is enjoying her quality of life......no I don't regret it, I regret that it had to come to that before the situation was handled, I regret that it took so long to sort out, and I ultimately regret that we live in a town with such limited options for health care and I really regret that Lyme disease and diabetes makes it so I can't really drive long distances anymore or I would take her to a doctor in the city....but I do not regret caring enough, and knowing enough that it needed to be handled not put off for another week or two...I am more disappointed in a health care center that although I stopped being their patient years ago knew me, my health issues, my family and yet they completely failed us, there was judgement and disregard really....there was no understanding of the trauma of one parental death, the grief we were currently dealing with, or the experience of a child with Aspergers seeing his grandmother in this state, or even the thought that this was making my mother feel like a prisoner in her mind and in her home, there was no thought other than the fact that they were offended, was it because we were right? because we spoke another language? or was it some other ego soaked, patriarchal bullshit? I am sure I will never truly know what it was.......but it will still sadden me, it disappoints me in women who can't deal with strong women, instead of elevating; they denigrate. We have come so far but yet the dinosaurs walk amongst us.....no offence to dinosaurs! 

I wish we could see a shift in things, especially in the way women see women....when you see a woman advocating for someone or asserting her rights stand with her...don't try to pick her apart, don't join the chorus that tells her when she does this; she is somehow being loud, inappropriate, threatening, shrill, out of control, hysterical and on and on and on.....when a man does this he is seen as strong, exciting, brave, righteous, a hero really....but it is not the same for women, this is not acceptable, and it is even more unacceptable in my eyes when it comes from other women....call me crazy but I kinda think standing together is the only way we improve the life of women AND men around the globe.....one corner of the world at a time, because truthfully patriarchy helps no one....can you imagine the difference we could all make? till that happens being "threatening and inappropriate" is what those of us that do stand up will be considered, because of course the fact that we have vaginas, are articulate and strong, will threaten and offend....sad isn't it? 

well in true Libra fashion, my last thought is at least it busted the crap out of whatever was stuck in my craw and I wrote again! 

13 August 2017

You Asked the Witch ~ Protection

Magical Protection

There is much talk in our community about what is considered to be protection and what borders on darker magics, truth be told for me it is a very clear subject, you do what you have to do to protect yourself, your family and your circle which in many cases are one and the same. There is no color to magic for me, I am not a “White” Witch I am simply a Witch, the type of magic that is needed is wholly dependent on the situation, and yes I will and have set protection boundaries, afterall if someone is sending me destruction and negative magic then by all means I will send it back with my own oomph added. All that being said there are many ways that we can be very proactive in protecting our spaces and homes and I hope after reading through this and applying the methods to your own space that you will feel that circle around you as strongly as I do. Remember doing these things does not mean that nothing will ever happen that you consider unpleasant, reality is that shit will always happen but being better prepared and having that circle of protection around you means that either there will be no impact to you as it rebounds or the impact will be minimized through your own proactive magics.

There are many ways to do provide protection for your home and I will discuss some of them here but one of the first things that I do at any new home that I move into is consecrate my space, not just the internal one but the entire property. As well there is wards that can be put up, mirror pieces to reflect out, railway spikes facing up in flower pots by the doors, spells and floor washes are always great ways to create protective circles. In the next few paragraphs I will share one protective circle for your property and one for your person, I will touch lightly on floor washes but I am leaving recipes and herbal for another blog.

For this first exercise and ritual you will need; Dragon's Blood Incense & Sea Salt. If you prefer other protective energy incense you can feel free to use it but I have found in my own personal practice that Dragon's Blood is the most effective.

Protection Exercise

                             Dragon's Blood Incense Sticks
                             Sea Salt                                                                
                             Fill a jar with Sea Salt and light your incense inside your front door
                             walk to the central entrance to your property this might be the end                                  of your driveway or walkway, in the air use your incense to draw a                                Pentacle of Protection chanting;

Here no harm shall pass
Protect my home and all within
Through this border of smoke, salt and sting of ash
no harm shall pass

                             Now take your salt and burning incense and begin your circle where                              you stand at the entrance and walk clockwise around the border of                              your property, stopping at each corner of the property and drawing                                 another Pentacle in the air, all the while making sure your salt circle
                             is continued and your incense keeps burning, of course depending on
                             the size of your property you many need to carry more with you.
                             When you have come to the same spot you started then draw your
                             last pentacle, by doing this you seal your protective circle.

This method is quite effective as it provides a very strong energetic circle around you, your family and all that is within your boundaries, I have also found with this circle that many of those that do not necessarily come with the right intentions tend to stop appearing at my door. I also tend to re-energize this circle on the change of the seasons to keep it always at its optimum level.

If you should feel that this method requires some extra oomph to it, you can pack quite the magical punch by adding a bit of mirror magic to your ritual, take small pieces of mirror and place them all the corners of the property, they do not need to be seen they simply need to be there in order to reflect to others what they send to you.

To keep a feeling of well being within your home a satchel of basil hung over the door helps to keep energy clear and feelings of peace within. I also have hung sprigs of rosemary over exterior doors to utilitize her amazing energies of protection.

The truth about protection is this, you can never have too much magical protection! We deal and live in a world where many dabble in these arts, not truly sure of what they are doing, and many times not aware of the harm they send out, and others well they intentionally will send it to you. There is no sure fire way to stop them, there is no way to ever take for granted that what you have done is enough, within magic there should always be vigilance to make sure you are consistently refreshing the circles and protective magics you have employed, no need to be neurotic about it but consistent yes.

Floor washes are also a great way to cleanse the energies that are literally brought in each day on you and your family, these I do once a month, my choice of ingredients is always chosen based on the past month and what I felt was needing to be cleaned out. I might choose to do one with Sea Water, or simply with Sea Salt and Water, normally I will throw basil in simply for its cleansing and negativity removing properties, lavender although a wonderful plant for this is not one that is welcomed very highly in my home, in my garden yes and always within my witch's cupboard for my own spellwork but unfortunately one of my family members has a very unhappy reaction to it's scent so I have found ways around it.

Now of course we cannot always simply stay at home and never venture off our own properties so we must cloak ourselves in these energies as well one of the most effective ways I have ever found is to practice good old fashioned mirror magic, literally mirror magic around yourself. This is a very simple and useful spell, after you ground and center simply craft this little spell and then carry on with your day knowing that you are fully protected.

Mirror Protective Spell

                   You require nothing but yourself and creative visualization for this spell.
                   Imagine a mirror coming up around your entire body, reflecting outwards
                   and away from you and chant this 3x.

In this moment I wish to you
exactly what you wish to me
As you wish it so it shall come
As I speak it, so it shall be

            This is simple, clear and effective and leaves the responsibility for the
                   energy where it belongs ~ with the sender.  Do not feel sorry or bad for
                   the consequences of their energy, it is all theirs, and in truth they felt no
                   qualms in sending it your way.

Protection magic is something that every witch worth her salt should invest much time and effort in learning. There are many ways and tools that can be used in order to create your safe space and many of them are a question of your path and which way you feel pulled to go.

As always witches I hope you enjoyed this weeks "You Asked the Witch", see you next Sun Day! 

06 August 2017

You Asked the Witch ~ Dreams

This week has been filled with questions about Dreams, how to interpret, what do they mean, are they literal or symbolic, there have actually been quite a few questions this week about one of my favorite tools.....dreams.

Dreams come to each of us, some of us remember them, others well, they don't stay with them in the waking hours, but you can be rest assured whether you remember them or not everyone dreams.....they can be a source of comfort or angst depending on how you deal with them and the information they bring you. I myself have had prophetic dreams my entire life, as far back as I can remember my dreams have shown me the way, they have been a source of connection with ancestors and Gods, messengers from other realms have come to me, dreams have shown me where I need to heal, and the symbolism of them is never lost on me.

If your dreams cause angst then you need to work on them, sit and work out what your symbolism is, this is not an easy thing, its an everyday thing...its a notebook by your bed, its writing each morning what you dreamt, the surroundings, what you were doing, how you felt, who was there....I started to learn my symbolism in my dreams as I grew up, it is now a part of me and I can dissect a dream almost instantly when I hear it or when I wake up, I have even had lucid moments in dreams where I work it out as I am dreaming and wake up knowing what it was all about. Here is the thing though that I would like to explain, and yes this is my thought so you can take it or leave it, but I think symbolism is something that is very personal and individual.....I think you need to figure out what things mean for you, I mean you can go out and buy 2, 3 or 1000 books on dream symbolism there are a multitude of them but I truly believe they will serve you no help while you do not know what symbols or things really mean to you....for instance when I see water in a dream I know it means tears, when I see blood depending on if it is mine or someone else's it could be a good thing or a very bad one, but these again are symbols I have learnt myself through the years.

Once you can sit and dissect your dreams without being overwhelmed you will be able to see what the messages are and why they are coming through, but there will still be times where your humanness will affect you, do not think it won't......this week I had a recurring dream where my husband has passed on, the first time I had this dream it took me months to get over, every time he went anywhere I worried, I made him go and have a physical to check his heart, I must have drove him crazy....this time I had the dream this week actually and I had a moment, I felt the fear, the crushing grief and the sadness and loneliness in the dream, I woke up and could still feel it as he lay next to me, pulling me closer into a snuggle....I let myself feel that pain, and I hugged him closer. I know our lives have been long and good together, and no we aren't getting any younger and with my health where it is these are conversations him and I have had together, facing your own mortality, making plans in case, writing wills, these are all things we are surrounded in at this time, it makes sense that my mind pulls a dream about him, about losing him. Prophetic dream? yes in a way it was, if something were to happen to him I would feel all those things, every single iota of me would vibrate grief, loss, sadness.....but having the dream does not mean it is coming now, it means that I NOW need to remember how I would feel, and love the moment I am in for all it is. You have the power to disarm your dreams the same way, take the message, let the rest go.

Start a dream journal, write them down, compare them from month to month, year to year, find the patterns and the messages from your Deities, they will come through once you make it clear that you are willing to learn this way. I believe that for me it was the dreams that kept me going and many times cushioned the blows that life was going to deal to me. I was prepared for them, both emotionally and physically. As well do not forget that certain times of the year will illicit more poignant, vivid dreams, as will Full, New or Dark Moons, and Eclipses always rupture and shatter things and bring emotions to the surface so expect your dreams to be different, very real and random during them, it is in these moments that the work you have done on your own individual symbolism will come in handy and help you to clear away the noise and get to the root of the message.

Look upon your dreams as another tool in your witchy skill set, when you can harness the knowledge there then you will truly be balanced on both the physical and astral planes, which then can open the door to Astral travel, and yes I have done this, and yes when absolutely needed I will again.

Dreams they have much to tell you, and can you really afford to not pay attention?

Blessings all till next Sunday and the "You Asked the Witch"

30 July 2017

You Asked the Witch - Where to Start

Welcome to the "You Asked the Witch" feature of my blog! I did receive quite a few questions, many of which I will be going through and answering as the energy calls, but the one that came up over and over is how do I start? I have decided to walk the path of Witch, or like it happens quite often to Witches you found yourself pulled onto this path so now what do I do that I have come to this point? how do I start? For this one I bring a portion of the book I have been working on for a lifetime now "The Cracked Cauldron"

The beginning requires cleansing, much cleansing of all you thought, every preconceived thought and notion about who you are, what you are and about the ego you must leave at the door to your own transformation, ego binds you and limits your magic. Hard as it may be, it must be done a through and complete cleansing of your space, your heart and your spirit. Drop the notion that you know what the next step is, truth is you don't! Put your faith in the Gods if you follow them, your Ancestors and your magic.

Spell to Clear and Cleanse
Start with a traditional White Sage smudging of your space; preferrably sage that you grew and wrapped into a smudge stick yourself but if that is not possible then of course one that is purchased can be used, but remember the magic is very dependant on your own intentions and conviction in what you are doing, so if you want to put a little more effort in you can also purchase fresh sage at a local grocery store and make your own smudge stick for this exercise and spellwork. As well pay close attention to the Moon at this time, to start something fresh like this and begin again, make sure the Moon is in the New Moon station.

Incantation as you smduge your home
Smoke of Sage
Breath of life, cleanse, clear
and make it right

Say this in each room as your cleanse each corner with blessed smoke of Sage.
Run yourself a bath, a very special bath for cleansing, I chose a selection of herbs that I felt gave me the qualities I wanted to bring into my life and topped it off with copious amounts of sea salt, to bring the love of the ocean and Yemaya into my life. In my bath there was basil, white and red rose petals, 3 sprigs of Ruda, 3 sprigs of Cedar and sea salt. If you feel a connection with other herbs or want to pick some for your own reasons  please do so, much of magic is intuitive or at least mine and that is how I feel it should be for us all.

Stand in your bath with a bowl and scoop the water and pour over your head, wash downwards, as you do imagine all the connections, all the things that need to be cleansed away washing down your body and leaving you, do this 9 times each time reciting the incantation;
As I wash it all away
my fears, my ego and strife
I ask to bring in the light
let me see which way to go and end
this to and fro
Set me free
As I so speak so Mote it be

Next prepare a floor wash to finish your cleanse and clear with the same selection of herbs and sea salt that was placed into your ritual bath. To prepare your home take your broom and begin in the furthest room from your home's front door, I started at my back door and swept out each room into the hallway and all the way to the front door, opened it and swept it all out the door. Then wash with the floor wash in the same direction and manner as the sweeping. 

Now all that done you are ready to start over, with your magical life, clean slate and all. You may have to do this again or a variation of this, that is the way of the witch, wards and cleansings are done and recharged through our walk....we are always proactive in our own protection and while this is cleansing it is the first step to protection, and the discussion of that subject will be left for another "You asked the Witch"

Blessings all have a great day! 

06 July 2017

7 Things I wish you could understand

Every so often a post about the things I wish you understood about Chronic Illness floats across my feed, I always read them and nod in agreement sometimes emphatically, with authority as my husband would say....for each of us that suffer there is a new list, there is a constant, and there is a fluctuating need for these posts.....and today I chose to write my own, my list of all the things I wish those around me could understand of course without having to live the agony of being trapped in a body that does not co operate.

1. Yes I am disabled, I may not look it to you, but I am. I have moments in time where I accomplish so much. I deal with my kids daily, I run my own little online business and help my husband with his, but I am still disabled, and the energy it takes me to accomplish what most take for granted is multiplied by body parts that resist changing positions, I am just really good at hiding my pain....because you may not be able to see what happens when I stand, or walk too long does not mean it is not happening to me within my body. I have a disabled parking permit, I constantly have people stare to see if I have it as I park then the look of astonishment hits them, yes I need it, yes I realize you don't see it and I hope you never feel it either.

2. Please stop telling me it could be so much worse....stop sending me links to stories of those that you feel have worse situations and illness' to deal with....I feel for everyone and wish that we could eradicate illness from the Earth, seeing others suffering "worse" than me does not make me feel better, I am an empath and it only makes me feel their pain along with mine.....it is not a competition for who feels worse or has been more affected by dis-ease, to each person that lives with Chronic conditions their life is the most affected by their illness, if you want to find a way to support us then learn about our illness, listen when we need someone to lean on, encourage us yes, don't compare us though.

3. Understand that while Depression may come hand in hand with some dis-ease and for that we should seek treatment but there are other instances where it is the direct result of living every day in pain not because we hate our lives, are unhappy or even have a chemical imbalance as some love to tell me, no anti-depressants are not required, they will not make the pain go away, nor will they eliminate the meds I require to fight for remission....what I fight is a situational depression and the situation for me is Lyme Disease and its Co-infections.....I have great days and then I have days that I wonder why I continue, today is that day.....I love my life but the constant struggle to live it can be soul crushing. I cope by sharing, blogging, creating when I can...I find beauty in Nature around me, the smiles of my children and grandchild, I laugh with my mother after years of misunderstandings, I lay in the arms of the love of my life....I cope and I love my life, but I hate dis-ease.

4. My days are full, I have a multitude of responsibilities a day that I have to take care of and people that rely on me that I also care for so I budget my energy and my time for those, even right down to snack time for the little witch, teaching him and helping him to cope with Asperger's and other issues, or taking my mother to town....some of the things I budget time for most don't even think about, they just do it...for me it requires planning, storing energy for a direct purpose and completing that purpose...and then there are the times that I require help, I have back up plans and double back up plans for those days....when I say ok no I am done now, I mean I am done now and I am going to lay down.

5. I cancel things, lunch dates, parties, movies and all manner of social engagements... I do not make deadlines, I have the best intentions but that does not mean that I live up to every commitment I make, so I have stopped making commitments.....I want to go out, I want to have an active social life, I want to go to pagan festivals, camping trips and other events but odds are I won't make it....I will beg off, or not show up and later feel horrible telling you that I just couldn't make it. It is not because I don't want to, but I will and I am sorry. Sometimes it will be anxiety that kicks in, others it will be that I just expended so much energy that I have none left to do it....or the dreaded flare has moved in and I am down for the count....

6. I talk about and share my struggle, I share what it is like, what it feels like and the effects that it has on me both physically and emotionally. I am not an attention seeker, I am sharing my life with my circle, I am raising awareness for Lyme disease, I am wanting you to understand even a small portion of my life, not so you feel sorry for me but so you get it......maybe then when you meet someone else that suffers as well you might be able to understand their side of it too...I wish to educate, not garner sympathy, but I realize also that support systems and circles of support are very important for me and for others who suffer so yes I do reach out when I need it, I try to do this without dramatization sadly though I am sure that sometimes it may come across that way.

7. This one applies to witches, pagans and the lot....Chronic illness is never a reflection of someone's magic, their worth or their ability to craft...It is a reflection of a human body that is made to eventually fail physically, it is a reflection of the chemical world we live in that has poisoned us, some suffer while others don't, not one iota of that has to do with our own inner power or ability to craft magic. Magic lives within the heart, it beats daily and many times is what keeps us around, our faith and belief in our own magics, that is the key to our very existence.

There is so much more but for now this will do, it opens the views a little wider I hope....I would love a conversation to begin, what is chronic illness like for you? what are your struggles, share them, let your voices be heard, write, tell us all.....we are all individual and because of that we all suffer differently and I for one think it is high time that sharing it does not come with admonitions of what is proper or not to share on social media, if you cannot reach out to your circle for support then why are they there?

Blessings all, may you find love and smiles in your circle.

22 June 2017

Anger, Solstice, Lyme and Ultimately Letting Go

There is a whole world inside of me, a world filled with heart, pain, love, and so much more. There is a past that can't reconcile with the present and the future is not even a thought. This world I carry inside is right now stuck in the past, reliving, re-feeling and the depth of emotion is scary, very real and powerful, and borders on the darker sides of me.

There are deep feelings of anger that were reignited in me lately.....I am angry at those that discount what I have lived through, who shrug it off, it isn't a real thing, just a ploy for sympathy....I am angry at those that changed the course of my life, the embezzler, the abusive one, the users....I deal with the fact that I have to walk past my rapist's grave to get to my father's, but when his family encroaches on my father's grave I am angry beyond belief....I am angry that everything I have ever done is to be discussed, torn apart and forever brought forward while the crimes, and some are literal crimes of others are kept quiet and hushed....forgotten as they walk by and act as if their shit doesn't stink, and to add insult to injury their broods who carry on the tradition of ignorance, steeped in the lies of their parents.....people that someday will become my ancestors...I am angry for those that hurt my husband, holding themselves higher on some scale of goodness based on their loose interpretation of their religion without any real understanding of their own God, I am angry and hurt for my children that were disregarded.....I am angry at the asshole that tried to rip me off by using my credit card fraudulently, every bit of money I have goes to my healthcare asshole, you just made it less until the card security figures it out...and I am angry and hurt at the ones that only think of me as mom when it suits their current need, drawing boundaries around you was hard but now they are cast in stone.....

What brought this all on? I can't really say if it was the visit to the cemetery, the tooth that broke in my mouth that I had to pull out myself, the reality of a Staph infection that is recurrent, requires meds that knock me even more on my ass, or a whole other host of disappointments lately.....I worked so hard to build Witch's Chamber and now all I can do is sit by and watch it all die and fade away.....or maybe it was just a gradual overboil of things.....either way it is a condition that I cannot allow to fester any longer......It is really counterproductive to all I believe, strive and want in my life but yet there it is, in all its glory, anger has permeated this and is crouching on my shoulders as we speak, as I write this I can feel it pushing down on the back of my neck, the albatross around my neck making me feel like I have to hang my head from the pressure......I see you, I feel you, many of you have been with me a long time, building up over time, hiding every so often but always coming back with such force, now with the Late Stage Lyme treatment into its 4th month I am told this feeling of anger is common, a type of reaction that many others experience.....that must be why all those things I thought I had dealt with from the tearing up of my family when I was child to the tearing up of my family when I was a mother, but no here they are again, I deal with them daily and navigate the interior of my heart as it tries over and over to reconcile and let go.....this is what my heart laid out for the Sun yesterday....followed by a moment of defiance and clarity, I am entitled to these feelings and all they entail because I lived these things, I still do and I deal with them, some on a daily basis....I am not superhuman I am simply human, a very spiritual and connected human but still human and I feel like anyone else, deeply, to the core on some things and some well while they can be forgiven can never be forgotten, so I should expect that they will crop up in my mind from time to time, but I refuse to unpack and live in the anger.....I give it all to the Gods to do with as they wish, I release, I let go and I move on, abeit with boundaries now, boundaries to even keep out those that I love dearly but are toxic to my life and the life of the ones I protect.....drawing a virtual circle around me, and placing a mirror up to let all have their own energy back, it is not required but yet they try to send......

What you wish me I send back, be ever mindful of what it is though so when it amplifies you know what you will be reaping. I made my peace yesterday and made my feelings and wishes clear to the person that I have deemed as my legacy contact, she will ensure that what I want will be when my time comes, may it be in the far reaching future, but still she knows those that can stand not 10ft from me and don't know me, do not need to know me when I pass, do not stand over my grave and weep for what you could have been a part of while I was here.....boundaries for now and even for after my death, that is what I sat and worked out yesterday....and that helped me, I expressed my feelings, I made my wishes known and I discussed my own mortality without fear, just my own truths, and I made sure my child knows the true stories of her ancestors, both the good ones and the not so good ones......oddly enough it felt reminiscent more of Samhain ritual than Solstice but since I learnt long ago to follow the energy and where it takes me I did, and I am glad, because as I wrote this and shared my experience I felt the weight of it all slip off my shoulders.

Be blessed, be strong, make your plans and then follow your path without a map, just follow the energy and let it flow, ride your wave and throw the crap overboard when you simply don't need it anymore.....it will be ultimately freeing!

11 April 2017

Chronic Lyme and Me

I always know it is going to be a deep and gut wrenching post when I start by staring at a blank screen, type, stop, read, delete! delete! delete! start again, repeat and repeat again, until finally the words begin to spill out and fill the page, flowing easily like the multitude of tears that have flowed lately for me.

Where should I start? the physical? the emotional? the mental state? thankfully the spiritual side is solid.....we have been on the hunt for what has been disabling me for the last almost 30 years, there have been many diagnoses', I fear many of them have NOT been accurate, if any at all actually....that in itself is a whole other can  of worms that I am contending with in my mind, the amount of times that I have taken poison to fix what they said was the issue to then have it either make it worse, or uncover something else...my positive side keeps telling me to look at the bigger picture and know that I am still here so maybe in all that some things actually helped....it right now is an inner struggle for clarity as I walk the minefield that has become my health. Suddenly there was a Staph infection, it showed itself first on my breast, as the lump grew and became inflamed off to the ER we went....to have it cut open, drained, packed and a prescription for antibiotics....this same thing happened to me just about 8 years ago. It was a long drawn out ordeal that included surgery, cauterization, and months of nurse visits and homecare....it of course unnerved me, the doctor being aware of the history and my failing health wrote a script that may have actually inadvertently saved my life in the long run not just in that infection. At that point  my speech was becoming quite affected as well as my mobility....I suffered mainly in silence, I thought I hid it well but I am being told not so much from those closest to me, watching me suffer was something they were not ready for either ~ they always watched before but this was different, there were multiple things happening at once, and it seemed to be coming on quickly.....at this point we got the MRI reports, there was no MS to be found so once again treatment was eluding me.....it was then that my sister from years before reached out to me, again as she had tried so many times before, she knew what it was, she was sure and suggested I speak to my doctor about this, I told her I would since I had an appointment the next day I had that conversation. By that time I had had time to go back through my health history and correlate the times I had mysteriously gotten better, with stages of flares and remissions, always involving long courses of antibiotics, sometimes upto 3 months to kill persistent infections....my kidneys, my liver, the staph infection....it was a consistent cycle of meds that brought out my healthiest moments I could remember, like I was suddenly cured, feeling great, no pain then I would start the slide all over again, further, deeper into a hole of despair, each time harder and harder to find my way out of. 
The moment I sat with my doctor that has known me for approximately 24 years and broached the subject of Chronic Lyme I was at the end of what could be causing this disability, I needed answers that could help....he listened thoughtfully, opened my chart, starting looking at the past, the incidents I reminded him of, the cycles I had lived through of what now to him also seemed like remission and flares....at that moment his words were a moment I won't forget ever, "Now I think we are onto something" the staph infection was still raging at this point, so he looked at the med and said well this does treat Lyme as well so we can try another course of it, I did, the staph infection died and another one shot up elsewhere....another course of antibiotics, now 6.5 weeks of antibiotics, and I herxed, badly....for those that don't know what this means it is the bacteria that cause Lyme disease dying off and creating endotoxins that cause you to feel worse than you did before you started treatment. There is more information available here, it was bad, I was of course not detoxing at that point and totally unprepared for it.....I was happy though to have an answer, something that actually was working, I thought ok now we get treatment under way....I knew about the years we would need, it would be hard but there was hope again. Then I spoke to my doctor and of course the dreaded blood test for Lyme came up, its highly inaccurate, something everyone knows, still something that is required to be positive for treatment ~ conventional treatment of 30 days of antibiotics and that's it you are cured! I wish it was that simple, it of course is not, not by a longshot is it that simple or cut and dried.....Chronic Lyme is something that the medical field many in unison deny the existence of, and for those that have taken on the system to say yes it exists, yes I treat patients for it well they have either lost their medical licences or given them up to follow a holistic or naturopath calling, and many Lyme patients are so thankful for them. It is the general thought in the medical world that the test is proof and the only proof, it is not, and should not be used as the only designation of Chronic Lyme by doctors as you can read about here

So finally I am sat there knowing what it is, waiting on test results that because my exposure was almost 30 years ago were bound to be negative and they didn't disappoint and with that my access to modern medicine for anything other than when my body reaches crisis again, this was not an acceptable option. Although I can understand any doctors reluctance to put them out there for a patient and risk their licence this did nothing for the deflation and reality crushing soul moment that was. I stood in my kitchen staring at my herbal shelf, with my laptop looking for help, I reached out to my niece who has been helping her mother for years with her own case of Chronic Lyme and asked for help, for once I was totally stumped and possibly feeling it all crashing down around me, but I knew I had made progress and I wanted to keep going....a few days later I was told about the Results RNA and I found a renewed sense of hope. I also remembered that approximately in the middle of the last major crisis of my health I had seen a Naturopath, she had listened intently to my list of ailments and how I felt and she suggested then that it sounded to her like Chronic Lyme.....at the time I was seeing a Nurse Practitioner having moved out of my doctors area for a time, and she was skeptical and did not agree so testing never happened, it might not have changed anything then either considering the state of the accuracy of the test. Now here I am, this is me and yes Chronic Lyme lives here, and now I have a possible way to get better, a doctor and a plan....and no provincial, federal or modern medicine supports that we all take for granted here in Ontario....No OHIP to help me, no this has to come out of pocket to the tune of just about $6000 or slightly more for my medication alone, over the period of a year, plus office visits, plus any antibiotics I may need if my body goes into crisis, and as I get sicker to get better working on my shop is impossible, the total cost for the year will hit more or less $10,000 doesn't sound like much to save your life does it? our entire combined income last year was $17,500 and that was a huge improvement from living in New Brunswick but still a far cry from being able to afford this, I try to keep the faith but sometimes it is just too much. I am thankful for the family emotional support I have and thankful that I will have more of it soon, I am sorry that they have to watch me go through all of this but I hold onto hope that it will give me freedom from so much pain in the future. My speech is improving, still a bit confused at times to make instant connections on anything and if you know me well you know that is NOT like me at all, but it is an improvement....I now have more tinctures coming to help me with detoxing my body so that the herxing is not so bad, and yesterday and today I was able to make dinner for us all took me 4 hours to do it all but I did it and I am thankful for that.......I have faith that somehow it will work itself out, and the treatments will continue. 

I am not fooled though, I know it will be a long road, and a difficult one, I am trying not to let my anxiety take it over, which I have found is possibly a result of the Lyme as well as the fact that I spent some time with my GI tract actually paralyzed, another by product....so many things.....so much that at times I am overwhelmed and saddened, my Vitamin D is almost off the charts, another one I have to tackle next....today in this Full Moon light I am putting this all out there, asking for your energy, love and understanding on this journey of mine....and most of all I am grateful to all of you that have stood by me and helped me get to this point.....now to fix it all, and expect more information in the blog about treatments, results that I am experiencing and I also have a photo album on my personal page of my fight with Lyme, a picture is worth a thousand words right? and if nothing else it might help someone else that suffers to know they are not alone. 

For now I leave you with this, be kind, be gentle when you walk in the lives of others, you have no idea what they are fighting, if you looked at me and didn't know me you would never guess what it takes to make me walk head held high as if the world is filled with unicorns and rainbows for me.

Blessings to you all and bucketloads of love