Blessed be the Dark Moon

It is that time of the month that I look forward to the most. That's right, for this witch it is not the Full Moon or the New Moon that excites me it is the Dark Moon, not very surprising if you know me, I have always been more drawn to the dark than anything else. Besides the fact that I think most people don't understand how wonderful the Dark Moon really is, it is also a perfect energetic time to rid ourselves of those energies we no longer need or want, that does which no longer serves has no place staying around....don't you agree? why would we want to keep such things around us? and as witches we should know the best times of the month to rid ourselves of these unwanted energy right? well for me that time is the Dark Moon.

Let's start with what the Dark Moon really represents.....how many have worked with this Moon? When I first started this walk with the Moon so many years ago, I was one that watched the energies around me swirl with the changes to the Moon...the Full Moon brought huge changes, energies aligned, spells completed and things moved forward under the Full stage....the New Moon brought exactly that, new beginnings, do overs, starting fresh and hope...and then there was the lead up to the New stage, the Dark just before the New Moon rose...a time where it seemed to me that the most shocking things happened, and where it was not uncommon for me to see people and situations take a more edgy turn even at times more violent turns....confrontations, shocking endings that lead to the beginnings of the next day in the New Moon cycle. It was then that I decided that personal endings were perfect for me under the Dark Moon, the reality is the Moon in this aspect already carries all these energies, so it makes it the perfect time for a witch to tap into that. It is under this aspect of the Moon that every month I light at minimum one black candle, but normally more than one....I light candles with words inscribed in them of energies I want removed from my life, whatever words I need that month to help me further my path or keep going....the aspect of the Dark Moon is great for endings so why not end things in your life that are truly soul crushing? poverty, anger, pain, dis-ease....yes I will and have inscribed these words on the black candles that I burn at the Dark Moon....it is also the time where I release all enemies from their connection to me....because as humans and witches we know not everyone that calls themselves friend is actually that....no some will tell you they have your back as they stab you in it the moment you turn around, and this method of candle burning, works by sending out a net of magic that melts away these connections, cuts them free and sends everyone on their own way, without rancor or any kind of boomerang effect on you.....yes when doing any kind of magic you need to worry about that boomerang effect! if you don't it will teach you soon enough that you should have known what you send out you get back. The law of energy return is alive and well in the world of magic.

Now I have told people before and continue to tell them again that spell casting is not for every witch, nor should it be done by those that are inexperienced with the possible outcomes, spell casting is just simply that; not something that every witch should do, it is not something to be taken lightly. True magic and spell casting is something that should only be done with reverence and respect, yes I joke so many times on my page with memes that say things to the contrary, but they are jokes, not reality....those that reach out to me have had me tell them the same, spell casting is not to be taken lightly....BUT this method of utilizing the energies of the Dark Moon to cast out what does not serve is not exactly the same in my books. It is more the action of laying out a petition, candle magic is a much simpler way for witches to approach spell casting, learning to tap into their own magic and learning to work with the energies around them. As witches we already know we work with a lot of energies, whether for ourselves or others, in those workings we expose ourselves to so many other energies, and the Dark Moon cleansing rituals I speak of help us to realign and clear our own spiritual houses. So when is the best time to do this? well today July 1st is the Dark Moon stage, the New Moon rises at 3:16pm ET on July 2nd and until the Moon goes Void of Course at 2:48 am ET on July 2nd prior to the New stage, that is your window for the Dark Moon......every month the Dark Moon is the day directly prior to the New Stage, making sure not to work within the void of course stage, it is the best time to craft magic to clear, realign and sever those ties that no longer serve. 

For me I have already prepared my candles....and yes it works if you don't have a black candle, but you have a white one, take a sharpie or some other marker and blacken it.....I have done it many many times! I personally use a porcupine quill now to inscribe but before I had one I would use a nail, I inscribe my words, I bless my candle at my altar, anoint it with whatever you feel you need for this working, some use Hyssop, Coconut oil, olive oil, or other conjure oils if you have access to them. Take your candle, set it away from your usual altar in a place of respect that it won't be disturbed....light it, say your incantation, or whatever words you have prepared for this, then spread a circle of sea salt around it....and let it burn. When this is done, and the candle has burned down to the end, make sure to take whatever is left and dispose of it, away from you, not near your home, safely and responsibly dispose of it. after all it would not make sense to keep the energy with you that you are trying to remove with the whole exercise would it?

As with all magics, depending on the size of the change you are trying to evoke, you may have to do this more than once, but in a world that is ever changing it would be naive of any witch to think that one candle would ever be enough to clear all the moving parts of something like poverty for example...but it works, like anything else in witchcraft it takes dedication, faith and your own energy applied...if you give it all that and are consistent with your effort, it will work and you will see the benefits of those black candles and like me you will come to love the Dark Moon Stage of the month  and you many just revel in it a little bit like I am preparing to do today.

As always witches, I leave you with one bit of advice....always cast responsibly and remember to keep growing!

Blessed Be the Dark Moon!

Tess

Mercury Rx, New Moon and a Solar Eclipse, and how to prepare

It is that time again....Mercury is going into retrograde, and we are now in the shadow period leading up to its full rx on July 7th..buckle up! I know it is something that there is much scorn for and debate as to how much this truly affects things but having watched for over 20 years I have to say yes it does affect things.....it comes back to my thoughts about the Moon, which can be easily applied to Mercury, the planets and their rotations affect the Oceans on this home of ours....how vain are we that are made up of water to think that they would not affect us? How vast is the Ocean and yet it surrenders its waves to the pull of the Moon, locked in a dance of ebb and flow. I know I feel it, and I watch those around me as they feel it as well....it is always the same as it leads up to the actual retrograde things start to get strained, people start to feel different and wonder about motives and situations just don't work....and yes things break down.....then as Mercury stops and stations to go direct all those things that have been stalled, seemingly gummed up in the works suddenly go forward and all confusion drops away.

It can be a very stressful time, for many of us we want to just avoid everyone, especially when we think they are being such assholes....but that is really not feasible....so what is the best way to weather this? I used to stumble through this cursing the existence of such a wretched time...people get ugly and mean! Then a few years ago, I was introduced to the concept of the energies of Mercury from another vantage point, the one of where it is time to put RE in front of everything that I did in this time frame. At first it seemed silly, to look at a whole section of time as a do over but it worked....I wish I could remember where I was introduced to it, or how but sadly some things Lyme has taken and parts of my memory are off somewhere else. Even so I sincerely thank them for teaching me to grow beyond it.

Sometimes the answers are so simple, but yet we miss them....in this time you should reevaluate, repair, redo, recreate, reorganize, relaunch, rebirth.....I am sure you get it at this point....there is more as well, of course it could not be just this simple, there is also a New Moon on the 2nd of July that will bring with it a total Solar Eclipse, granted this will only be visible to countries in South America it does not mean that the effect of this energy will not be felt throughout the world, because it will. Expect big things, sudden changes and wow moments that tend to accompany Eclipses. So in other words the next month or so will be a doozey for changes, upheavals and all manner of unexpected situations....how do you survive all this? You keep stepping forward, one day at a time, much like you do the rest of the time, difference being that now because you read this blog you have already chosen what your project for this retrograde will be...that way when the Eclipse come it can throw power behind your redo. I am sure you can find something that you want another chance with, or to sort out once and for all....just be careful its not an old relationship, because yes they do tend to come up during Mercury Retrogrades....old lovers seem to crawl out of the woodwork....it is up to you what you do with that, but it has been my experience that when people with history and old patterns go back it starts all over after the initial honeymoon phase....sometimes there has just been too much hurt to go back and have a redo on that....even though the planet is going backwards we should not be going backwards. Kind of a been there, done that, no fucking way I am going back retrograde....it is a much better time to put that to bed, revisit and let it go...move forward or at least prepare to when Mercury goes forward again.

I had to choose what my I was going to do with my Mercury Rx, and I decided this week to relaunch my shop on Etsy. I am so glad I did, it was another step in reclaiming the life I used to have until Lyme took it all. I still have a long way to go back to what it was before I became so ill I had to stop, but its a beginning and truthfully I have the most awesome patrons that welcomed me back so happily. For some it may appear to be nothing too grand to reopen an online shop, but for me it was a huge step in being responsible for what I put out there...it was a wonderful feeling to go and ship today, to watch all those white envelopes stamped one by one, the clerk at the post office smiled at me, she knows my story, she knows how long its been since I had orders to send out like that....now for the rest of the retrograde I am working on projects that I have left to the side for the shop for some time....twisted willow wands.....altars in a box......more of my wood burning and of course getting back to wrapping beautiful gemstones that call to me...and insist on how they should be wrapped....I am spending this retrograde reacquainting myself with my heart and soul and letting the Gods guide my hands once again.....you see for me crafting is more than just twisting wire....I use no tools except for one cutter and one broken pliers.....it is my connection to my heart, it is my meditation....it is my medicine for the world...each piece is a connection between my heart and the stone, it speaks, it guides and then the hands show its beauty exactly how the stone wants to be treated....the Gods they speak through the magic.....Witch's Chamber, Where Magic Meets Art, is not just a slogan, it is my truth....through Reiki and Ascension and my connection to the Gods each piece is infused with healing energy.....and for the first time in a very long time I am ready to share all that energy once again....and this, well, this excites me!

What will you find to be your redo? what can you relaunch in your life? Have a think on that, there is time but you best prepare, and then once you have it, wear it like a cloak and remember don't feed the trolls during this coming Rx, just stay within your own energy and understand not everyone prepared....but you did. Find your meditation and it will guide you through.

Blessings to you all

Tess 

Big hips, thick thighs wrapped in Goodness

Today was a good day, so much so that this blog has been peculating all day, well actually it has been since the last one. I touched on my weight in the last one, but only in a passing sense....now its time to get deep into that, so expect this to to be one blog in a series of many....I dare say I am not the only person to have lived this life with a weight issue that is wholly misunderstood.....used against them....ever been made to feel worthless because of your weight? well I have too, and this blog is for all of us that have suffered those looks, comments and snickers from those that don't know us, but yet feel they could "fix" us if only we would listen to their dietary advice, after all they are only thinking of our health, right? NOT! if they were there would be no judgement, there would be acceptance, understanding and love....being critical of someone under the guise of concern is old, outdated and not acceptable in my world and it shouldn't be in yours either.

I think I must have been about 7 the first time I heard someone tell me I shouldn't eat something that it was simply going to attach to my hips and no one would ever want to marry me....now how awful is that to tell a young child that the way she looks might make her so unlovable that no one would want her based on her weight....I look back sometimes on pictures of that young girl, I never see an overweight child, just a child...all dark eyes, long hair and freckles...yes that was me, just a regular girl that would rather go fishing than knit or crochet....I could be seen running off on my bike on these dirt roads....jumping in the lake at 6am when everyone else was still sleeping, the calmness of the morning as the Sun was just finished rising and the quiet of it all, was like medicine for my soul, even as a child....I was searching even then, for a bit of peace in my own skin, and nature always provided the grounding I needed, and she still does.

My later teens and twenties are a blur of one diet or another, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, NutriSystem and any others I could find, nothing ever really worked....not for any amount of real time and the rebound was always so much worse than where I started.....bear in mind that the worst of it started after Lyme took hold of me, even though I didn't know it.....then they thought it was Lupus, so the wonderful medication was steriods....things that they never tell you about steroids is you never get rid of what they put on you, well if you are me you don't.....still every so often when I manage to break the grip of this disease it all melts off, like magic....but lately no I am always fighting but not gaining ground, not losing it either so I am happy about that. The weight though it doesn't really matter to what kind of person I am inside....as I am sure it doesn't really matter for the type of person you are either....thin, fat, inbetween all of it makes no bearing on the type of person you are....beauty really does come from inside....but yet again I find myself sitting here writing another blog that points out this fact....and that is sad, time marches on but nothing changes.

I don't believe that when we are children our aspirations include this, I don't believe that anyone given the choice would say yes please make me fat...but for some of us that is the reality....we wake up daily, get ready for the world and yes we smile and think ok here goes another day....for me I never consider my fat, until someone makes me have to see it...when I look in the mirror I see me, I see my eyes, my face, and yes of course I see the rest of me, but it is simply who I am...and in truth I should not have to explain to anyone why I am the size I am.....it's as if I should walk around with a sign around my neck that says "I only eat Organic and gluten free....I eat balanced meals....I don't gorge myself....I eat probably less than you do....my body is this size because of the inflammation caused by Lyme Disease....really I don't need a nutritionist....had one, she told me she couldn't teach me anything I wasn't already doing" It gets tiresome....usually these moments happen once they can't figure out what else to say to me when they are trying to push me around, intimidate me or feel intimidated by me, mentioning my weight is their go to, like we are in kindergarten all over again....bonus points for the most callous asshole that thinks its ok to call you a fatty, a cow, or worse....remember the Universe is always listening and what you judge you will face. Like the woman that sat on my couch and told me my husband would leave me, I was too fat for him, he liked them thinner, like her.....um yea I don't think so.

I am a strong confident woman, I am a witch, I spend my days helping where I can, making magic and reaching for the stars....I don't stop doing any of that ever, but somedays I have to take a break to deal with some asshole who makes a nasty comment about me not needing that frozen yogurt....or some other nasty little snide remark about widening doorways.....when I was younger I used to say well I can always lose weight but you will still be ugly....sad but true...shaming people is not right...not for being overweight or underweight....shaming them for anything that is beyond their control is wrong and always will be....and no they should not have to justify to you why....it really is none of your fucking business....making them feel. inferior and ugly is truly unacceptable....no matter what your weight is, you should never feel that way, we as a society need to do better.....we need to see people for the energy they bring to the table, not what they put on their plate.

Is it possible? can we ever grow beyond these juvenile, patriachal views of each other? I sure as hell hope so because going backwards will help no one....and I believe us all having to wear name tags explaining all our issues, setbacks and hurdles is ridiculous and I am pretty sure mine would say something highly different than an explanation....more like a mission statement of what you could do with yourself...but then again I have been fighting this issue my whole life, from strangers and those close to me....at 50 I care about my own longevity, but I know I do all I can now...It is what it is.

It is what it is....it's not giving up to say that, its simply accepting that some things just don't work out the way you wanted, it doesn't mean there is no hope, it's just not there, and you are ok with that...and that is where I am....I am ok, I am letting go of expectations and I know the best will come for me....not that I won't run into more assholes, for fucks sake I live in a tourist town that people love to walk around in bathing suits all summer, not to mention the Big Uglies, that is a whole other blog! so I know I will get more of it...but I have hope that the right ones will see what shines from my eyes, not the size of my hips, to all the others Cheers! I raise my blueberry frozen yogurt to you! Have at it!

And Another Layer Peels Away

For years I have told my kids and husband when you forget what you were going to get, or what you were doing go back to the place you first had the thought and you will instantly remember. I have always told them that thoughts get trapped in the energy of the place we have them. It is the same for memories, whether they be painful or happy, a place holds the power to trigger all manner of response in us. One such place for me is Ontario, the hard part of that is that I have lived the majority of my life here...I have loved here, and lost....my earliest memories are here, some that are amazing and others that well, I still struggle with, and I know the pain of them left deep scars...so deep that I have not even scratched the surface of that layer yet....but give me time I will get there!

It was about 2 years ago that I stopped sharing regularly on my blog, I stopped writing all together really...I have notebooks, if you know me then you have seen my stacks of them, lol, I seem to have a bit of a notebook addiction, well that and pens. I love pens. Anyway, I have all these notebooks that for years I have written in, yes many of my blogs have started in them, as well as random spells and other witchcraft related things....some things a witch just can't share. So for the last two years they have sat gathering dust, I have written the very rare bit here, or on my webpage, but pretty much keeping most of my writing to longer posts on the page but even those have of late become just photo shares....my voice it just seemed to be lost, unable to speak about my life, to share anything beyond the Lyme Disease struggle and some day to day things. Imagine what that was like for me, I have been writing since I was a child, back then on a rickety old manual typewriter, well cause it was cool! and for the last two years I felt stifled....stuck in my head...stuck in the memories of pain in this place, all gummed up with lyme bugs that fed the need to make myself small....invisible....coming out only when it was to stand up for someone else....but not for me.....all I wanted was to just keep functioning, keep going another day, not think of what and where my mind was wandering to.

Of course all this time without writing, it gave me much time to think of all I have lived, to see the connections I missed before, of course there was time in there for me to admonish myself for not having seen it sooner....we are always our harshest critics, after all.....triggers were everywhere, not surprisingly....I had lived here for so many years wanting to leave here, that when I did finally go I felt free and able to be me, without fear....I don't know if it was being near the Ocean and Yemaya, or if the salt air is really better for Lymies but for me New Brunswick brought out the best in me, maybe it was the fact that there were no triggers there.....but I cannot cut myself in two and live there and still be here near my babies, so I am here.....truthfully I thought I could handle it and having been gone for five years, I missed them so much I could not imagine another day without them....especially when we almost lost our daughter the night our granddaughter was born....if ever a mother needed a wake up call of not wanting to be so far away, it was then....to my husbands credit, there was no argument, he felt the same way and could not imagine leaving again.......I thought I could handle it....I would be fine....even concrete breaks.

It happened slowly, so slowly I didn't notice at first.....my health went first and the lyme treatment began....something I will have to do for the rest of my life, and that was one thing that it took me some time to get my head around....the lack of support, both emotional, social and financial, well you just don't really get it till you get it...and then still you could be ignorant enough to not get it in others....it happens....for me, I had to keep going, there are people that rely on me...so like a good soldier I marched on...I didn't have enough energy to always craft things, well that meant my shop suffered, until finally I put it on vacation for almost two years! might seem trivial but I worked so hard to pull us out of poverty with my shop and it was rocking....It pushed me deeper in my shell...I filled my days doing for others and lived for the nights to get that quiet, private space....that place where I could just be. Here I was once again, living in the place of the worst of the memories in my life....of pain...of rape...of domestic violence...anger....I went and dropped myself right smack dab in the middle of every C-PTSD trigger I have! and expected that no it would not get to me at all. Not really one of my finer thoughts, now I shake my head and wonder why I didn't try to prepare myself for this.....best I have is that the lyme really did fuck with my brain.

So where does all this leave me now? well I am more aware of my triggers, including the geographical ones....I am working on letting that go and rather looking at the fact that each trigger is not really associated with the land, but rather the persons that caused the initial trauma....sounds simple, trust me it so is not! but its a process and I am ok with that....for now I am looking all those demons in the face and taking them out to dance, while I air it all out and literally get all that fucken crap out of my head, I felt it was time to reintroduce myself with my new revelations from this last trip down into the cracked cauldron, and the writing in my books has started again, so there will be many more new blogs coming!

Back to the beginning we go! Hello! My name is Tess, I adopted the name as a short form of a name that I never felt comfortable with and just did not feel like it belonged to me.....you see I was called something else for the first 18 months of my life, my middle name....so I never felt like that was me after that.....so Tess it is! I am a survivor, of many things, the least of which is NOT lyme and its co infections....I fight to keep going, and I get stronger daily....magic is everywhere, we simply have to reach out and it will light the way....I have been a witch in this lifetime since I took my first breath, and in many lifetimes before....I have fought with my weight for so many years, somehow it always seemed to matter to others more than it did to me, now at 50 I am who I am, fat and all, and I am ok with that...it doesn't mean I give up on it; it means I am not attached to any particular outcome....I have lived, loved and died already on this Earth and I am still here to write this today....for the first time in a very long time I am excited about the future, I believe in today....in this moment, I turned some corner I could not even see before I turned it....but yet from this vantage point it's as if I can see so much over the last 50 years that now makes sense, my eyes see answers to those questions I asked myself in my lowest moments....it really is amazing how much guilt we can carry, hidden in those caverns of our souls....no I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life, I accept that and know I deserve better.....now it's time to do that once again, start the process of taking my life back, living even more authentically to feed my heart......and to write....lots more....

For those that wish I extend my hand and invite you to continue with me on this magical journey within the Witch's Chamber.

Many Blessing of Solstice to you all! My magic tonight is simple and powerful.
I call all of my power back to me
As I wish so Mote it be

Tess

A Witch's Review ~ Pretty Litter yay? or nay?

Now I have been discussing doing reviews here on the blog for a while, and yes I have a few lined up for the next little bit but I really felt this being Witch's Chamber the first blog should be one that affects my closest companion, my familiar....Voods and his brother Hades....so here we are with Pretty Litter.

I first heard or read about it as the case may be on Facebook of course, like so many more of us have I am sure! Of course I am always skeptical of all the things I see on social media advertising, because in reality if everything were true I wouldn't have a pile of hair wax over there that stinks to high heaven, no of course that would have been good stuff and I would have been enjoying different color hair by now! but alright, I am totally getting off topic. Pretty Litter, yes I saw it on Facebook, no I did not believe the hype, but I was hopeful. Being the mom to two very difficult and picky furry boys, who are constantly trying to outdo each other even though they love each other to bits and are fully bonded, still the litter area was always a problem. No matter how much we scooped the clay litter, there was still issues, to the point that I resorted to putting down large washable puppy pads under the boxes. Still the smell and the amount of work to wash the pads was too much for me. My health and the amount of responsibilities I already have daily made this a huge problem for me, and this is why I was willing to try Pretty Litter. I needed something that would solve my issue of the feuding kitty brothers.

My first consideration was that being that I am in Canada, the cost is a little high for a months worth of litter, but the home delivery part of it was a plus. So I discussed it with my old guy and we both agreed that if it worked for the boys it would be worth it, that being said I went on the site to place my order. That was the simple part, it is pretty straight forward to begin, you create an account and then choose how many cats you have and it guides you to the package you need, or so I thought at the time. After ordering, it is a pretty quick turn around and your litter arrives, as pictured above.

We happily filled our litter box to just over 2", as the card that came with recommended, and took away all puppy pads, trays or any other form of floor saving devices we may have used before and magically we even took away one litter box and it was wonderful! No smells! No messes! and my feuding boys were fine! The litter area became an area no one even realized existed, which in a two bedroom living space is a very good thing! This continued for the entire first week, we scooped it daily as directed, another wonderful part of the litter is that it makes that part of the exercise so much easier than clay litter! The second week began and we started to have issues with the litter smelling a little, so I raked it well when scooping and found that it was clumping at the bottom of the box. It seems that the litter that tracked out in the two weeks had caused it go below their 2" mark, who knew it was so important! So after 2 weeks here we were back at square one! but worse because the cats were even more upset!

Onto Pretty Litter Chat I went, to their credit their customer service was quick to respond and very helpful. It was explained that because my litter box is large I required the larger pack of litter, the 6lb bags as opposed to the one I had gotten.....doh! If I had seen the option I would have naturally gone with that because of course I knew I had a large litter box....ok then onto ordering the new size right away as now things had reached a smelly pitch here! I have to say that although they were attentive and responsive to getting me the new litter, there was no offer of discounts or any apology for the lack of information at the beginning. Still I ordered, I also ordered an extra bag of litter to have here in case I needed to replace litter through the month, considering that everyday they track it out. Once again my order was quick, expensive but quick.....the disappointing part was when I opened it and found that my extra bag had not come with it, although the label, the packing slip and my receipt all showed it, there was no third bag of litter. Once again back to chat I had to go, and then I waited....the response when they thought I was canceling my membership was almost instant, but when I was missing something it was the next day before they contacted me, after I sent photos they issued a bag of litter to be sent out to me, of course at no charge since I had already paid for it.

All in all my review of Pretty Litter is two fold, there is the actual litter and then there is the customer service aspect of it. The litter itself is good, it works well to keep odours out of the exercise, the cats seem to like it much more than clay, and the scooping and clean up of the box itself is very easy to do even for someone like me with a bum arm. The one draw back would be that it does track out of the litter box more than the clay litter did, that kind of drives me a little batty but its tolerable for all the other benefits. The other part of the review is their customer service; something that invariably you will have to deal with at some point, I have mixed feelings about them. I feel they are respectful but they do not really take responsibility for the lack of information on their site and being in customer service myself I would have expected more information or compensation for the lack of it, once I was having to more than double my order in the first month because the option of larger bags was not presented to me at the get go.

For now we have decided to give it another months try, BUT I am at the same time looking at other crystal litter options, in case we have more delivery issues. Sometimes even though the product is worthy, dealing with customer service becomes the deciding factor.

May the Litter be good to you!

Op-ed to the Ogre at the grocery store

To the man that thought a parking space was worth the aftermath;

Yesterday was a different day for me, for the first time in months I could move my arm...after surgery and the endless trips to drain the wound, finally after doing my own physio because of course I cannot afford to get it professionally I was finally able to lift my arm over my shoulder...should have been a great day. I was able to drive myself, my mom and my son to town for the first time with no pain or fear of having to move quickly with the pain in my arm I was all ready to face the town and off we went.

Things were great, we were doing well, stopped at the mail, got my mum a new fridge since hers has been pissing all over the floor for a bit, even had a few laughs with the woman at the appliance store and off to the pharmacy I went.....some hard moments there while I looked for something to strengthen my hair, sadly Lyme is taking my once full hair and making it fall out in bucketloads. I have been watching it fall for months and finally my husband could not pretend anymore and admitted yes its getting very thin.....so I went in looking for Biotin...yes I found it but still this was enough to make me feel very low and as I pulled into my local grocery store I told my mom to go in and I would follow when I was feeling a little better.....I sat in the van and cried, my son in the back seat was thankfully engrossed in his tablet so he hadn't noticed....I sat in the handicap parking space and wiped my eyes, listened to Nazareth and prepared myself to go in the store....big breath almost ready....key on the ignition to turn it off, then you pulled your big ass truck into my parking spot....not into another handicap parking spot but actually onto the yellow bars that are part of my parking spot....I remember sighing and debating whether I should say anything or not, I was still feeling very vulnerable and exposed with red eyes, but when you opened your door and almost hit my van I opened my window and nicely told you that is not a parking spot, it is actually a part of my spot....you responded with I am handicapped, and I told you I am as well but that is still not a parking spot, there are 3 more available choose one....well you slammed your door shut, your wife got out and went in as you stormed around the other cars and quite easily backed your truck up into another handicap spot. For me I thought this was over as I watched you walk into the store. You were in there less than 2 mins as I was telling my son to get ready to put his tablet away because we were going in to get cream and some things....just as I put my hand on that ignition you came barreling out of the store....headed straight for me....I have seen that look before...

What you didn't know was that I am a domestic abuse survivor, I am also a rape survivor and I walk very gently in this life because I deal with anxiety, panic and C-PTSD from my past experiences with angry men. I told my son to head to the back of the van, as you approached and raised your hand to punch my window...I opened it, you started attacking me, with your hand on my window while flipping me finger, telling me I did not need this spot and how dare I be selfish and sit in it....did you have a right to do this? no but you did anyway....I had my phone in my hand and had tried to take your picture and start it recording but did not get it started in time to catch you and all your vile behavior, no you were lucky in that moment that my panic and fight or flight response made my fingers not work and I was unable to catch you asking my SON if he was learning from his mother.....yes I lost it at that moment, finally had the phone working and I lost it when you spoke to my son with Aspergers.....how dare you? did you know you were causing so much emotional issues? did you know you were being a bully? yes you did! but did you care? no you did not! over a parking space that you tried to take that was not even yours! I was already parked in it but you somehow felt your white man privilege meant you were somehow more entitled to take whatever you wanted...I guess that poinsettia that you and your wife needed to buy was so important that you totally trampled on the rights of a woman and child that were already in the spot you want.

I watched you walk away as my mother came out of the store, I prayed you would leave her alone and not start with her as well, but you raised your voice across the parking lot and acted so proud of yourself, because of course I appeared to be the shrill one, the one that was screaming at you at that point to leave me alone and be on your way....yes I called you an asshole, yes I told you you had no right to judge who uses a handicap parking space....do you realize how hard it was for me to go to my doctor that I have known for 25yrs and even discuss this permit? do you know he almost cried and felt bad to tell me he was marking down that it was a permanent disability....did you even know that not long ago I could barely walk without help? or that standing for more than a half hour could make me fall to the floor? no you did not! did you care? no you did not! All you cared about was that you felt you were somehow justified to walk up to someone else's vehicle and threaten to hit it, and try to intimidate a woman and child and I watched you, you walked away feeling good about this with your wife. 

You did not think about any of that or even the fact that the whole scenario started due to you invading a parking spot that already had a vehicle in it. It was not even like there weren't other spots available, there were 3! two of which were even closer to the door than the one you tried to take and violated my own personal space.....but yes your privilege meant in your head everything you did you did out of some right that you did not have, other than you are a man and I am a woman and it was ok to try to intimidate me. Let's be clear you could have let it go at the I'm sorry thats not a parking spot but you chose not to, you made the conscious choice to do what you did and you walked away laughing thinking that you somehow had stood up to a horrible person that was taking a spot they did not deserve but you were wrong....what you actually did was act like an Ogre and take pride in your own bad behaviour.....the Gods are large and they see everything and as I write this I know your comeuppance will come, and it will be grand when it does....its a small town I know I will hear about it, and will probably light a candle of thanks when it happens but until then I will deal with the aftermath of your ignorance, selfishness and privilege by loving my son a little more, holding him tight and reminding him that not all men are Ogres, some are kind and helpful and that no he does not need to be afraid to go to his favourite store in town....no he can still go there and say hi to the owner, and be all proud when he says hi to him by name.....the only good I found out of the whole situation was me having to admit to my child that I should have used my words better and not let the mean man make me so angry that I lost control of those words....you see what I did there? yes I took your bad behaviour and made it into a teaching moment because that is what I do, I put myself aside and helped him understand....and then I explained it to my mother who at 75 was quite scared of your actions as well....I dropped them off at home and parked my van in the shelter and cried.......and cried until I could go in my home and not let my son see me falling apart because of you.....it did not help because the Aspergers freak out came, and I held my son while he cried because he felt he could not defend his mother from you.....the mean man at the grocery store, that is what you will forever be in his eyes, so when he runs into you in this town again and freaks out, remember you caused this...

Now go on and enjoy that plant and give it to whoever you thought you would stop and get it for, tell them the story about how you told a woman off in the parking lot and how you felt like such a big man after that....it is probably the only time you feel like a big man is when you are trying to intimidate women and children....the Gods are big and they see everything.

I never did get my cream.....

Does my vagina threaten you?

What do you do when you want to write but you just can't find the words? well for me I sit and stare at the screen, I write a sentence, backspace it off and then stare some more....there is so much I want to say, so much has happened in almost a year since I have sat and written, I mean I still write, but short posts, little notes and I of course journal, but when it came to writing here well I just couldn't do it......then today after the events of this week I decided enough of the silence.......my question is simple, maybe shocking, but simple nonetheless....does my vagina threaten you? or is it simply that I do not have a penis but rather a vagina that threatens you?

I am many things, witch, daughter, wife, mother, mom (which you might think is mother but mom is distinctly different than mother), and avó (grandmother in Portuguese), yes I am all these labels and then I am me....but I am so much more than the labels, I am so much more than what I am to all those that look to me, but that gets lost, in the day to day, in the taking care of others and doing what needs doing......me I get lost.......as I know so many of us do...for me the last year and a bit have been a long haul, some of the longest times of my life with the treatment of Late Stage Lyme, I will treat for the rest of my life....I know this....I am ok with this....the alternative is let it run rampant and my life becomes significantly shorter....that I am not ok with.

All of us have our struggles, agreed? I thought that the worst thing I would have to deal with was the Lyme treatment then in early March my mother fell down the back steps, it was a hugely traumatic and painful thing for her, and me and my little guy who saw her in that state, she looked like the Elephant Man, face swollen, black eyes starting and totally disoriented, it was terrifying...it's no secret to anyone that knows me or her that we have had a difficult relationship at times through the years, sometimes due to her stuff sometimes mine, but regardless she's my mom and it was terrifying to see her that way, and it brought back flashbacks of when my dad passed first in my arms and then in the ambulance, while was I sitting in there with him.....my mother in law passing of cancer in April as well did not help the feelings of loss, more parents dying, more hard moments......not good times! The fall meant a rush to the hospital, a worried experience to have them not do any kind of tests, just talk to her decide she is fine and send her home.....she is 75 this year....her dizzy spells continued after this....almost 3 months later, after tests, another hospital visit when she thought she was having a stoke, it STILL took me getting upset that no one would listen to her, asking direct questions about accountability in the event that something happens to her before they address the issue, that she in her own right has now isolated to be a medication issue, only to have it ignored and questions about her needing her home assessed for safety since she is so dizzy....drop her dose on her meds and that will stop it....ignored again......thankfully after the abysmal appointment with her practitioner, her cardiologist understood and issued a new script, a lower dose, the next day no more head spins....she is a new woman, she is happy and smiling and enjoying the outdoors, she is no longer confused, upset and confined to one area because she is afraid to fall down the stairs....no joke there, we literally walked with her down the steps and up to make sure that she was ok.....of course this was not a well received experience by her Nurse Practitioner.....they feel I was "threatening and inappropriate" .....well fuck me! I find it highly threatening and inappropriate to risk my mother's life....I racked my brain wondering did I swear? um no....I know I must have yelled? um nope didn't do that either......did I cut her off mid sentence? um yes when she ignored what my mother was trying to tell her.....I was clear, direct and concise, we were not a tea party, this has been going on for near 3 months! the time for idle chat and theories was pretty much gone.....

I am not going to lie, this really upset me, that in advocating for my mother's health, translating for her because although she can speak the language it can get complicated with health questions so it helps at times, in doing that and asking who is to be held accountable since no one will listen is threatening then yep I am totally guilty......do I regret it?  well, let's see in true Libra fashion.......on one hand another person thinks I am an ogre, the evil witch that lives in this little town and curses people....and on the other, my mom is feeling so much better and is enjoying her quality of life......no I don't regret it, I regret that it had to come to that before the situation was handled, I regret that it took so long to sort out, and I ultimately regret that we live in a town with such limited options for health care and I really regret that Lyme disease and diabetes makes it so I can't really drive long distances anymore or I would take her to a doctor in the city....but I do not regret caring enough, and knowing enough that it needed to be handled not put off for another week or two...I am more disappointed in a health care center that although I stopped being their patient years ago knew me, my health issues, my family and yet they completely failed us, there was judgement and disregard really....there was no understanding of the trauma of one parental death, the grief we were currently dealing with, or the experience of a child with Aspergers seeing his grandmother in this state, or even the thought that this was making my mother feel like a prisoner in her mind and in her home, there was no thought other than the fact that they were offended, was it because we were right? because we spoke another language? or was it some other ego soaked, patriarchal bullshit? I am sure I will never truly know what it was.......but it will still sadden me, it disappoints me in women who can't deal with strong women, instead of elevating; they denigrate. We have come so far but yet the dinosaurs walk amongst us.....no offence to dinosaurs! 

I wish we could see a shift in things, especially in the way women see women....when you see a woman advocating for someone or asserting her rights stand with her...don't try to pick her apart, don't join the chorus that tells her when she does this; she is somehow being loud, inappropriate, threatening, shrill, out of control, hysterical and on and on and on.....when a man does this he is seen as strong, exciting, brave, righteous, a hero really....but it is not the same for women, this is not acceptable, and it is even more unacceptable in my eyes when it comes from other women....call me crazy but I kinda think standing together is the only way we improve the life of women AND men around the globe.....one corner of the world at a time, because truthfully patriarchy helps no one....can you imagine the difference we could all make? till that happens being "threatening and inappropriate" is what those of us that do stand up will be considered, because of course the fact that we have vaginas, are articulate and strong, will threaten and offend....sad isn't it? 

well in true Libra fashion, my last thought is at least it busted the crap out of whatever was stuck in my craw and I wrote again!