No I am not Perfect

Never have I said I was perfect, not a bit, not a lot not even an inch of perfect is wrapped up in me, I am what I am and life is what it is. I come from a respectable family and on the outside it is all lollipops and fancy crocheted socks, on the inside it was hard, lonely and lacking in direction. All I knew as a kid was that I was starved for love, so I looked for it, I searched and found what I thought was an all consuming love, a heart that called to mine and eyes that I could not look in without getting totally lost in the dream of a life filled with love that was all for me.  I wanted nothing more in my life at the time, just the feeling that I had when I laid in those arms, strong, young and in my innocence and stupidity of youth I thought love would win all the battles and we would be together forever....I didn't much think past that, I was 16.

I sit here 30 years later, exactly, looking back on the train wreck that was my life.....hell no I am not even kind to myself in some of that; even though there is plenty of them that already tear a strip every so often from an already lashed back, no matter how many times people tell you the past is the past it is until it involves them........then they have memories like elephants and me I am never allowed to let it go and move forward......so let me just rip the fucken bandaid right off and expose the wound in its entirety......I tell my kids all the time guilt is an useless emotion that serves absolutely no purpose, feeling guilty and doing nothing about it is well useless, what growth comes from it? what release? in truth though I still drag that bitch around with me like a proverbial anchor around my foot. I let everyone down. I got married and didn't even know how to make automatic coffee, imagine that! boiling an egg well that was even worse. If I had written this blog a few years ago I would trash him right here, tell you that he was a horrible monster, truth is we were children playing at being adults, neither one of us had many skills at this home making thing, add to that parents that never let go to let us fall when it would have been a smaller bump than the end result crash with three kids involved. Now being an adult and a parent I can see that partly it was done out of love, but the result was not good.....maybe it was a way for them to make up the existence of a child that felt so out of place even in her own room that she ran to uncles and aunts, anyone that could see the hurt and loneliness, that offered a warm hug and a grandmother that just enveloped you in love......it is what it is and it was what it was.  I am not perfect.

Today I am faced with change, growth and stepping out of that old skin every day a bit at a time, one foot in front of the other....sometimes I look back and I think my life started when the other one ended, I do not recognize that person anymore, but every so often the fallout reaches my shores, I am once again reminded of who I was, what I walked away from and once again I am forced to feel the pain of the past, the moments that should be happy and I should cry tears of joy end up creating tears of pain and anguish for those that I lost along the way to reclaiming me, for their lack of understanding and inability to let go of the past and move forward and for what I know will come knocking at their doors for their judgments, my own flesh and blood; people wonder why I say that blood is only what we are forced into but it does not connect us, hearts do that, the will to want more, the love that is born out of purity not obligation.  Obligation is ego in disguise, do the right thing in the eyes of those watching so that you may receive a great pat on the head and smiles of acceptance....yea long as you are a good girl, guess I was born wearing the black cape already.

All of this at times makes me buckle under the pressure and the weight of everyone that still relies on me today....so I write and I bend wire, I create and I apply magic where the pains still surface, I send love to what I cannot fix, and I pray for their release as well as mine....and today well this is the ramblings of a hurt old witch, I grew and became the woman I should have always been but it was not at no cost.....this is my day to sit and remember and cry the cleansing tears of release.....we all need that sometimes.....sending love and a slanted half hurt smile to those that want them today.

New Moon Blessings

A blank page stares at me, my fingers itching to write, my mind filled with so many thoughts that it is so very hard to formulate but one to start with, and the events of the last week or so roll around in there....the happiness, the celebration of course followed by the disappointment and finally the stages of grief, and yes I say grief, not grief from the death of a loved one but the kind of ripping pain you feel when someone that you are connected to in a most fundamental way let's you down so much. That kind of pain that is with you even when you tell yourself that you are lucky, you are rich in so many other ways, surrounded by love and those that just want to uplift you but yet your heart yearns for only that one moment of recognition from that person that withholds it, knowing you deserve all the love they should be showering on you, expecting each year to be different but age only shows that nothing changes. Maturity, understanding and love reserved for death beds and moments of reckoning with their own gods, amazing how facing their own mortality can have that affect on those kinds of frozen, concreted and bereft of feeling hearts? and although I am referring to one specific incidence in my family recently, I could be drawing attention to quite a few of extended relationships that my immediate family members deal with. It is what it is, a big saying around our home it just is what it is, it really is not personal, as odd and difficult as it may be for some to get the concept of how it could not be personal since you feel like you are personally being mistreated, seems ridiculous huh? well way I look at it is the way someone else treats you is based on their own inner workings, when you are sure in yourself of your own beliefs, who you are, your own moral compass and you feel it is directed properly, by far none of us are perfect and all we can strive for is to be good humans, good people then when you do that and someone still mistreats you it is their issue, their personal problem to deal with not yours.

Cut and dried huh? well it has taken years of us discussing these things back and forth and many blended spiritual practices and thoughts to come to this place where we can deal with the realities of our relationships and lives with each other openly, without the blow ups of the past, there are still tears and moments of anger but they are more within our control and about expressing feelings without shouting and screaming, more discussions that run late and deep into the night and bucketloads of black gold. These moments are the ones we reach for old faithful energy lifting things like our favorite movies....this weekend it was Practical Magic, it actually has been that movie quite often...no not because of the somewhat unbelievable Hollywood additions to the magical moments, for moments of magic that you would find unbelievable I have plenty of them in my own life ~ remind me someday to tell you about the year the snakes came to roost in our home ~ anyway I have always loved the movie because of the two sisters, their strength, devotion and love of each other and their family but especially each other, the love story was secondary to me.....but watching it this weekend with someone else that although they have watched it with me often they have never really watched it like they did this weekend, well even for me it was an eye opener......as one sisters life unravels and the other steps in to help suddenly they could see how the first spell was suddenly coming to life, starting to weave it's energy, this brought up the most interesting discussion that ran two days about energy, how it weaves into our lives and connects us....about how it is adverse to our lives and those of others when we try to hold on to that energy and not allow it flow, back and forth, completing its cycle. Amazing isn't it that to anyone in this world the way a light bulb works with the flow of energy ever constant never stopping is so well understood, hell we even as kids created those lights with potatoes but yet so many of us have trouble understanding that same concept in our own lives, in our communities and with our own families.

It has been a very difficult stretch in the last five to six years now, there has been so much growth, so many things clearer now to us, so many lessons explained in painstaking clarity. There was a time that everytime one lesson was done I would secretly think ok awesome this must mean the road ahead is clear now and it will be smooth sailing now.....then well you know the rest. I won't deny that those moments make it hard, even for me the eternal optimist, I get tired too....I have been asked many times how I do it, keep going, lift myself up time and time again, and I have said many times faith.....for me watching that movie this weekend partly through fresh eyes of one I love well I realized part of it is the sisterhood. I grew up as an only child, it was lonely, it was sad and there were many moments of wishing for a sister of some sort, someone to talk to, share my dreams and hopes with, but there wasn't. Aunts were great, but you could only tell them so much, cousins are wonderful but for me all were younger than me, other than male ones and well those I wasn't looking to share my dreams with much less too many words.....adolescent Portuguese males in the 80's in downtown Toronto were not necessarily all that liberating when it came to how they felt about women, of course not all of them but majority of them. What I longed for my entire life was sisterhood, community, a sense of belonging.....a place where I never doubted my role or my value to the greater whole, hell I created my own family that is blended and the lines are so blurred now that we revel in the fact that love reigns and bloodlines are irrelevant, and those that don't well I guess bloodlines are really irrelevant to them so how can I fault them for that decision? after all we all learn on our own what is truly important to them, I can't and I won't so on we go......

Facebook many times takes a ton of hits, many complain about its drama quotient, well yea its pretty bad at times I know! but in truth the internet and Facebook combined have given me the ability to find my extended family, my sisters and brothers too. In a society where so many of us feel alone at times, especially us solitary practitioners it has become a place to connect with those that are of like mind and at times we are lucky and find a part of us that was missing. For me that is what it has become. I cannot tell you how many times in the last almost 8 years on there ~ and yes I said 8 years!~ that I have held hands virtually with a sister and sent love to support her and her family....or that a brother has stopped to just chat with me when they may not have known that at that moment I needed a friend too, someone to just say hello how are you...amazing something like Facebook, a tool so many of us take for granted, has so very many times connected me with those all over the world that feel my heart when it breaks, just as I feel their spirits when they soar. Something changes in the heart of a solitary witch when she finds that community, or at least it does for this witch. It is as if the knowledge of the ancients opens before me, supported it seems so much easier to see that which was hidden in the shadows around me, and the shadow no longer holds the same fear of darkness, more of an understanding and clarity of purpose. In all things and people there is good and bad, it is our choice how we use it. I chose growth, so now I don't do the little happy dance thinking ok yea smooth sailing anymore, no, now I sit back and absorb, pondering the words and sniff at it, swirl it around in my chalice as you would fine cognac, I let the smoke from my altar billow and rise as the connections in the lesson form, as the magic shows me what I am to gather from this moment, what I am to let go of and what I am to carry forward....

Today as I lit my altar, as I have come to do everyday, I sat back and just enjoyed the constancy and flicker of the candles both different but yet the same, as the little one did his little morning ritual of sweeping the kitchen I enjoyed watching him and realizing this was his moment of connection with his one little magical tool, his own broom, it reinforced in me that I never want to not enjoy the simplest of moments with eyes closed and a heart that does not see ever again.....community, belonging, sisterhood, family best lessons ever and in my opinion you can never fully grasp its enormity in your life because love is ever changing, support is always shifting and there is always something to learn about those you love, when we stop doing that we start taking each other for granted, and that is never a good lesson.

As the US Thanksgiving approaches for the first time in our home we are going to celebrate it, we are going to sit and let each other know around our table what we are thankful for in our lives, and how very thankful we are for each other, for the food we eat, the roof over our heads and for all of you that share in our lives and in our hearts. I am extra thankful that hard times bring us closer now rather than tear us apart, for that alone I am ever grateful, this was really a wonderful New Moon for us, plans are made and bonds reaffirmed. 

Blessings all! I send out blessings and love to you all!

Happy Anniversary Witch's Chamber!!

Today is the anniversary of the day I took back me, and I have spent this last year looking back on my life, going over bit by bit, moment by moment, analyzing my actions, who I was, who I became and how I did it.  I realized in all that time that I am pretty thankful that I walked onto this path.  I was headed down this road that well for me would have surely meant a death to my soul.  When I was first married at 16 I couldn't cook, I was timid and quiet most times and well there was no way I could ever plant anything it would surely die! I look back now and realize that although at that point I dabbled and played with what at the time I considered the occult, I had no idea what path I was headed down and how much it would change me, witchcraft in the shadows saved my life. I kept that part of me hidden and kept doing what everyone thought was the right thing for a girl like me, a good little Portuguese girl, well even by the cultures standards I was already not one of those, although I had not done any of the things that classified you as a bad girl for whatever reason that reputation had already attached itself to me in my early years.  Some said it was my dad, since he had been the dark horse all those years I had graciously inherited the title so I worked harder to please, to make them stop talking.....well that created the worst pattern in my life, the people pleasing one, that somehow ate up all of who I was meant to be.

Life has sucked at times, not to put down the word suck because there are times that sucking can be so good! but this time instead of sucking honeysuckle flowers it has sucked sour grapes, and that I am not into. There was a time that I would look at all that bad stuff and think well as long as I never set my heart up for breaking by expecting the best then I will never be hurt or disappointed when the best doesn't happen.....should work right? nope! that was the worst thing I did! My heart is just not built that way, as I have come to realize there is a little bit of me that always looks at the best first, even when it is a bad situation I find the good in it, so that means for all those years I lived conflicted in those thoughts, how did I figure it out for myself? simple! I put everyone else's needs first, not just my kids, or my family but everyone! I became not important, non existent and the last person I thought of in any matter.....I made myself a second class citizen. Not such an original tale is it? us women we do this to ourselves a ton! we put our parents first as we grow, our partners first when we are older, then come kids and they come first, our jobs, our friends and on and on, we prioritise ourselves right out of the whole entire picture and then one day we wake up and suddenly we see that we are lost......that was me when my father passed.....suddenly that rock solid plateau I could always rest on when I tried to clear some of my patterns and reached for growth was gone....I relied on that rock for so long I lost my balance and freefell, open for all kinds of manipulation from all sorts of people, all I wanted to do was quietly lick my wounds, hibernate, disappear.....anything but center stage where I was suddenly put.

Then the vultures came out, once again let me be clear I love vultures in the wild but when people take on the attributes of vultures well they are not so damn attractive are they? They attacked every part of me, there was nothing off limits.  My health was used to be something that somehow was my fault, my weakness and the way that I let my family down, the fact that I collapsed from overwork and went into a full SLE episode, had to have surgery to remove lumps from my breast, could barely walk or function outside of my home, I was now scum and not worth the time to talk to. It was a time of pointing out where in my life I had failed to live up to expectations, my protector gone I became free game, and I hung my head in shame, lost in a world of grief and pain. My saving grace was that thankfully I had already started my online world, my shop, my page and my gallery, it was my place to hide away from a world filled with pain, for which I took further heat....the whole thing about hiding behind a computer screen, well yea that is not me....I am who I am either online or live. Of course I met many that I love dearly and love me but hell there is a shitload of well what I have come to call plastics or plastic witches out there ~ there is that shit stirring of the cauldron again!~ So what did I do? well at first I buckled and let them ride over me, but then as the pressure in my personal life continued and my outlet was being ruled by pompous asses, I rose up and took back my presence, my life and who I am even online.....man what a bitch that made me to soooooo many people! both online and live!

I don't say much in my status' about it anymore but in truth they attack my page, me, and my shop all the time. They spread gossip and lies about things they don't know, tell people my products are not made by me, post about my cheap wire, oh let's not forget how they measure me on their witch scales to decide how truthfully witchy I am or not....hell I have even heard about how they decide and measure what they consider to be my failures in my life to decide how strong MY magic is. REALLY? yes really.......there is nothing that is ever hidden in the online world for long, people talk. These are the reasons I am so choosy about who I associate with, I do not share anyone on Witch's Chamber that I do not believe in, that I do not like their product or their energy, and trust me when I tell you I take flack for that. There are those that do not like this, those that have tried to control what I do on my own page, through threats of hurting the page, spreading more vileness or even have openly started stupid ass witch wars that I refuse to participate in. I REFUSE to be coerced into supporting anyone I do not believe in simply for MORE exposure! you either like me and my art or not! I will not pretend to be more than I am and will most certainly NOT pretend to be LESS! Most people who walk in our community know that these things happen, they realize that someone is always trying to gain the upper hand by underhanded methods, magic is a wonderful thing but it is an energy that will work in the way the practitioner asks of it, and trust me not all you meet work with it in a positive manner that benefits all those they touch, for that matter I am also a witch that will work freely both in the light and for lack of a better word dark, in balance, always in balance. 

My life is hard enough with all the challenges I face daily I have no time, patience or desire to deal with all the bullshit that comes associated with these plastics.  Today marks a year for me of standing up and reclaiming my independence and my strength, it marks a year of telling myself that I am better than that and I deserve better.  I have worked hard all year and run into more of the plastics from which I ran away from very quickly! they are still out there but my antennae are finally back fully in line and working so I listen to my messengers much better now.  I live authentically within my magic and mundane life and combine the two without division.  My magic is who I am, it lives and breathes with me and provides my faith for the life I am building, the dreams I have for my little business is that it will become easier to care for my family with my sales, my book that I am still working on, taking my art much further with wire and gems, my point being I have dreams and I finally ~even without that plateau my dad provided~ I am finally able to put in the time and dedication that I needed to all these years to being me, living authentically and magically.......I am able to do that because I finally realize that it was probably the most important thing I could have done for myself my entire life. 

I am able to do this not because I have had some amazing windfall, the money came through or I suddenly have no other obligations that I CAN put first, no all of those things remain the same, money is non existent! especially this week after home repairs!, I still have 6 kids to think of and one full time to care for, I still have a husband that requires time and caring especially now that he is semi retired, all those obligations and responsibilities that I love are still present BUT now I realize that unless I do that for myself I can never truly be happy within......

I guess I can say I found the happy spot inside of me, and it was ME all along! Imagine that! 

Onwards and Upwards! 

Blessings all! 

The Pirates of the Fibro Sea

If you have been following along on my Facebook page then you know that I have been in a great big old flare for a bit now, and this led me to ask myself what does Fibromyalgia look like for you? I have become so accustomed to the realities of living with this condition that I sometimes forget that those around me have no idea what I am going through.  

Many of you know that for the longest time I was losing weight and feeling great, getting stronger daily, but like anything else in life the moment of the turning of the wheel had to come for me so I crashed and hard, so I have been over here for about two months now flaring it up.  So what does fibro look for me? well the swelling has taken that weight loss and basically made it completely irrelevant because I suddenly appear about 8.5 months pregnant, with all the lovely things that come with that condition, minus of course the bundle of joy at the end of the suffering.  There is also the rash that has made itself a permanent fixture now on the side of my face and along my chest, the SLE trying to push it's way through, so far I think I am still winning that battle, will keep ya updated in future blogs!   oh and my feet! oh my they burn, so badly that keeps my mind off the aches and pains in my joints and my head that has joined in the swelling making it even painful to put on my glasses due to the pressure....and yet I am sitting here writing this, could it really be so bad you may ask.....I will tell you it is, it is horrible and YES I am here writing it, fighting back the nausea that has plagued me all day. 

Why? because it needs to be talked about, it needs to be discussed until everyone everywhere understands what this disease is, how it can instantly rob you of your freedom to enjoy your life, where you may have thought you had a choice fibro has suddenly taken it away, or at least tried to.  I am not such a good patient, just cannot sit still for long periods of time, so although I know I should be sleeping, getting lots of rest and avoiding any kind of issues or anything too taxing right now, ask me if I can do it? well hell no.....my idea of bed rest is getting up every hour or two if I can make it that long and then wander into the kitchen to start dinner, or sweep the house, laundry and yes there have been instances of walking barefoot in the rain, dancing has even been seen in the mists.......physically I might feel like utter crap but my mental, emotional and spiritual self is doing ok! more than ok in some ways.....making plans for Witch's Chamber, moving forward with new pieces and breaking new ground with new business connections, so many things to come......so as I sit here and of course my feet must remind me ever so painfully about the fact that the flare is still here, I continue to write, I continue to dream.   

I count myself as one of the lucky ones when it comes to fibro, only in the early days of my condition now almost 30 yrs ago, did I ever really experience the brain fogs as I called them then. People had no idea what I was talking about when I would try to explain to them that suddenly it was a moment of confusion, and I would search desperately for a voice or face that I knew; that I trusted, someone that was familiar....I remember those moments they were terrifying, they thankfully have not happened for a very long time, now it is more of a physical suffering for me, and that well that I can take.....my mind takes me to all the places I wish I could go to even when my body won't cooperate, dreams are easy though they don't require any more participation than your thoughts, wishes and sometimes the added energy of a very rambunctious 4 almost 5 year old captain and the seas are always available for us to sail our Pirate bed ooops sorry ship into the great beyond! 

This is what this disease does to me, this is what fibro looks like for me and how I cope.....what do you cope with? how do you deal with it? 

Tess Muin's Witch's Chamber

Ok so I have now been sat here since 8 am, I have started two blogs both with issues and discussions that I think are important and yet somehow they are just not right and what I want to say apparently, because neither one of them has been finished, the thoughts just stop after I express the first part of what it is that I think I want to write about and then boom nothing.....so I guess no matter how hard I try I won't be able to write until I handle this little bit of thing that is hanging on for dear life. Thing you say? yes this thing, this get my face and myself out of the limelight thing, this I do not wish to be in the front lines thing.  I have tried all my life not to be seen, to blend into the shadows where I felt comfortable but yet somehow I always seem to peek a little toe out, a little look around and I start to navigate away from troubled waters to find my own calm pool of Spirit and suddenly I look around and there are a whole bunch of others there with me!

I love you all but you must understand I am not a trained witch in the forms of witchcraft that are popular, I am just an old witch that has her own way of doing things, yes I have books and I love certain ones but they were never a part of the witch in me, they are a result of the witch in me wanting something to read that was interesting to me......much of what I do I do because I listen to my intuition, the gentle winds that guide me to where I am supposed to be and ultimately my faith in the Gods, and that is right I said Gods.  I do not only follow Goddess but both God and Goddess in balance, and I use these words because there really is a lack of words to express the energy of Divinity....God is not a name, it is a title, just like witch is not my name but it is a title I hold proudly, I earned it through generations of my soul's hard work.  I am pretty sure that first witch all those centuries ago didn't have a nifty book to follow but yet she ~or maybe he~ found their way through, didn't they? such a touchy subject with all them big egos out there.

So here comes the dilemma I have been grappling with for some time now, well since right after the last blog and a certain experience I had, and in reality a whole lot longer than that, it happens to be a recurring theme in my life, because of the lack of a positive mother/daughter connection in my childhood the situation keeps manifesting itself again and again with new women, spiritual women, healers, witches and well just about any woman that is in my life and tries to assume a role of mothering.  I cannot really blame them, I seem to fulfil a need for these women who require a somewhat student as they see me I guess, I assume that role of blending into the shadows well in those situations, from years of hiding my gifts to stay "safe" I go back to doing the same thing with them.......I assume a secondary almost wide eyed subordinate role, they do not actually do it to me I just literally walk into that role because it suits me, you see this is where I feel unobstructed to observe and pay attention to the likelihood of being hurt, abused, taken for granted, lied to yada yada I guess you kinda get the jist of it.......these are roles I never take with anyone that truly knows me in the mundane would EVER expect me to take, but it is simply a replay on my oldest lesson in witchcraft of standing in my own power, my own energy and shrinking away to make others more comfortable, somehow safer because they feel superior......THAT IS what has been stuck in my craw! Yes I do that, willingly.  YES I am not doing that anymore.

Recently I lived through an experience that brought this home to me finally for the last time, thankfully from the oddest place I ever expected to hear words that could impact that lesson of all lessons, well I finally heard the words uttered on Criminal Minds that were like the hammer that cracked that last final hard shell and let it all spill out.....in moments I sat and watched connections form in my heart from one moment to another, from one experience to another as the aha spread like wildfire through a dry brush......here it is of course so out of context to what was happening on the show but the reality of the simple beauty of what he said for me is just still so there in this little tidbit.......Dr. Spencer Reid: You think this is about my *profiling skills*? Jennifer, listen: the only reason you were able to manage my perceptions is because I *trusted* you! ~  http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0024259/quotes

Now how brilliant is that! no I am not a profiler! although I really wish I had known that even existed when I was younger and who knows! but ok back to this, the truth is I have a gift and always have, I have prophetic dreams, I see things, I am a witch in all things that matter to me, my path is eclectic and different and really wholly mine......I have developed myself and learnt much from many along the way there is not just one person, or one mentor and I thank all those......but those words well they set me free, from the words of doubt that have remained from the ones I trusted, wondering so many times how my perceptions could have been so wrong, how could I have been so duped, never realizing that the truth was I stopped watching when I trusted and I did that because I took the back seat and let myself appear to be weak, afraid or timid in some way, uneducated or who the hell knows anymore, I don't care reality is I need to change that.  The most recent experience of being confronted by this turned into a huge flare, because on top of all the mundane crap, spiritual bullshit was the last thing I wanted to deal with, so when suddenly I was advised of a coming witch hunt/attack on me I was suddenly back in that state of what do I do? a preemptive strike? a wait and see? or a let's just slink back into the shadows, or do I just trust my own feelings on this and carry on.........can you now see what I have been warring with all this time? the most fundamental question and lesson for me? Am I finally ready to stand in my own power and not fear what others may or may not poke holes at?

I'm here aren't I? Witch's Chamber is mine, it is my Chamber where I gather with those that wish to be a part of my circle, not because they have to be but because they want to be.  I won't stand in anyone's shadow, and I have a pretty firm grip on mine.....witch attacks and wars, don't get me wrong I know they happen and they exist, I also know this last bit was more about managing my perceptions than anything else......I am proud and happy with who I am; all facets, I realized this week when I called out to the Gods and they swiftly answered all my needs that my trinity; and all I believe in, what has made me choose this path and kept me company all along has been my faith, the Gods and my magic......

I am a Witch that knows the road is always ahead, the past is worth remembering but not dragging around with you and the future well, just keep going cause it will be exactly what it is meant to be.......besides who EVER said the path of witch was easy?

Craw cleared back to everyday witchery!

Some Moments of Reality and Olives

We have all watched those movies, the rags to riches things, where someone works really hard and then suddenly the big break comes and they are recognized and doors open, their troubles are over, suddenly they have all the money they ever needed and a new life filled with possibilities and joy, sadly we do not live in the movies though, the true reality of poverty is much darker and harder than that.  What those movies leave out or I should say squish into their 90 minute run is the amount of time it actually took those people to make it out of that big black hole that literally sucks you in.

POVERTY such a simple word that packs so much punch, a state of being that slowly strips everything and almost everyone from your existence.....things like patience, strength, faith, belief and even love take such a huge hit from this state, they get degraded, pushed down, tested and many times shattered by the realities of it all.  When you live in this state for a prolonged stretch of time it will completely change the way you view others and life itself, and for most of us once you sink into the state there is no easy way out, it is a required long haul.  I have seen many people try to pull themselves out, me included only to have something else drop and push them down further, always brings to mind the song Crabs in a Bucket, they stretch, claw and climb for their freedom only to fall back down to the bottom.  When you are poor every ripple is a huge issue to sort, cope with and get over, it is not a simple well shift it from here to there, no it is a desperate rush to figure out how to cover the new thing, the current issue and of course it always comes with phone calls to others that you may have promised to pay, those calls are never nice, they are always soul crushing, humiliating to a certain degree and of course they always remind you of how you have missed your commitment to them......here is the thing for me, when I am doing this it is not because I do not want to pay you, it is not that I necessarily want you to belittle me, tell me how terrible I am or how I have let the big utility company down, nope that is not why I am selfishly holding on to the funds so I can go have a party.  NO I want to pay you, but I also want to keep food on the table, a roof over my kids heads, the ability to make another dollar tomorrow so I can keep paying YOU! and the medications that my family needs, I do not even think of my own medications, needs or wants in any of this, it is all about meeting those commitments that sadly don't take into account anything that is happening in your life, it is all about the money.

I sometimes wonder what people who have never experienced this really think of those of us that live in the state of poverty.....I really do not think that anyone ever gets up one day and says well today I think I want to be poor! yea! that is what I want to do with my life, I want to know what it is like to live in constant fear of disconnections, lack, and anxiety over everyday little things, yes this was the dream of how I wanted to live my life. Of course as I was growing up it was what I dreamt of, going without to make sure the kids had what they need, I love the idea that my clothes are either gifted to me or I bought them so long ago I could read a book clearly through the fabric now because it is so thin and holey, these of course were my inspirations and my motivations to want to be poor......come on now, while I embrace the experience and love my life regardless of its monetary state, I would not wish this existence on my worst enemy.....poverty can break your very soul, for those that have not lived it, I wish you never do, for those that live it I send you strength, love and lots and lots of support, I am there with you it is hard, everything even getting a job requires money something most people never realize.....when you have children, health issues or in like in my case your own serious health issues, children with their own serious health issues and a few other things added to the mix conventional jobs are just impossible options.

Then we come to things like enjoying yourself, going out, doing things that cost money these options are not available, and everything costs, it does not matter if you think simply going to the beach is a non cost event, you are wrong, how about the fuel and the vehicle? not to mention the fee for actually going into the beach? We make do, we have fun here and have been known to pack up a lite lunch and picnic on our back lawn the boy and I as we watch the butterflies and bees play in the lawn, wonderful moment right? yes it was for us, but yet we have those that have come to our home and told us we don't have a life because we don't go anywhere, we don't travel what kind of life can that be? a simple one, but we find our happiness, the fact that when we say to these people these are not expenses we can afford, we prefer to keep food on the table, instead of understanding they shake their heads and judge......that's the difference between living in poverty and looking in from the outside.

This summer I worked really hard, I tried as hard as I could to make enough to go to one event, one very special time that I promised I would be at, but that beast poverty well it knew better, so even though I worked hard and I got as far as buying the ticket, I had to admit to myself on Friday that I would not be there......although those around me wanted to keep up hope for me it was time to say ok well there is next year, as disappointing as it is to know I won't be able to make it there, I feel a slight bit of victory in that at least this year I got one step closer I actually got a ticket! it may seem silly but that is how I cope with it all, I claim the small victories so that the big black hole of poverty won't suck my heart in again........I bend my wire, I create and I keep going clawing my way up that bucket, only thing I won't do is push others back into the bottom.....guess my way out could have been quicker if I wasn't trying pull others out with me, but hell then I wouldn't be me....I take gratitude for the little things in life, they make up a much greater and important whole for me now more than ever.

Let me finish off this very difficult post with a little bit of how I handle the disappointments, the moments of poverty that are just so overwhelming I think of the simple things that are just so beautiful......the moment my husband surprised me with a light bulb that had been taken apart so I could make my own witch's ball, the fact that I left him to do the grocery shopping while I finished something came back and realized he had bought olives, so simple right? not really he hates them, we usually can't afford them either but he wanted something nice for me that I love so he got them, when I looked at the little tub I must have looked confused, he asked me what he did wrong lol! I said well there is no black olives? he answered me with well yes I have never seen you eat them so I figured you didn't like them......I just smiled, he gets me, he knows, even something he doesn't even care for or can stand the smell of but yet he knows I don't like the black ones......later on Friday I sat quietly in the living room wrapping my wire, creating pieces for old friends listening to him and the 3 kids in the kitchen, he was making omelets for dinner for each of us, the chatter was lighthearted and loving, there were giggles and jokes and cries of MOM! Dad is bugging me accompanied by uncontrollable laughter......so tell me why do I need to go anywhere to have a life? I think even in poverty we have a pretty damn good one and who knows maybe someday Madonna will come calling for that special piece of wire wrapped jewelry and this crab will finally fly out of the bucket pulling everyone that was in there with her out too!  lol! dreams! an old friend used to tell the hubby and I all the time, what's the point of dreams if you don't dream big?

So! Dream big! love large! be kind! and try to understand and not judge, nothing is as simple as it seems, remember to add the humanity back into your life, and the lives of others when you can, the rewards are plentiful even if they are not quantitative they are qualitative.

Get Real, Get Human

I had a bad day yesterday, nothing horrible, no big disasters or triggering events brought it on, just a bad day, the stresses and pressures of the current movements of our lives finally got to be too much for me......so I did what I do best, I bent wire, shut my mind off and just let the energies work through me, as usual the beauty that was produced through my hands and heart connection amazed me.

My wire, the bends and the gems, the stones and the pearls....all of it is my form of meditation, how I handle the stresses in this life and they are MANY! On a regular basis the amount of situations, health concerns and other things I juggle is daunting at the best of times, yesterday was not one of the best of times.  I bent wire, I crafted pieces of beauty as I processed all the words that have flown around me, I looked and handled images of Mother as I let her fill me with her energy.  The burdens don't change when I do that, they don't go away but their pressure lightens, the ability to breathe becomes easier. To some what I am discussing is uncomfortable, others will find the need to classify this into one thing or another, for me it is simply me being human.

We all have days, moments and other things that sometimes just make the day into one of "those" days, we all know what that means when we hear the term.....for some of us we walk quickly the other way or scroll past, still in this day and age there seems to be a stigma associated with people having a bad day, or admitting it I should say, it makes people feel uncomfortable and uneasy so they then apply labels.....some worse than others, some more accurate than others as well and in the worst cases people like me get labeled as drama queens if we admit that things may be difficult that particular day, and we need to discuss this or seek out support.  Another one of those reasons I think that the thought of spirituality has been lost in our need to make life so ordered and organized.......removing what is perceived as ugly, distasteful or otherwise seen as weakness.  This is such a wrong concept in my eyes, and I stress that in my eyes, by no means am I professionally trained on what all of it means to do this, but I am human and from where I am sitting I find it extremely sad that other humans would rather hide behind the walls they create than reach out to help someone that may just need an encouraging word, a show of affection or even just someone to listen.  Why do we turn away? is it our own lack of understanding? is it that we think we are somehow superior because we can keep our mini moments or breakdowns from the public eye? does that make someone feel better? the fact that they can put on a mask and not let their own humanity show? for me it doesn't it just makes it more disturbing, how do they ever really know what they are feeling? do they even know how to support someone that may need it? or would they just walk away deeming it too messy to help another human soul?

I sort through all my feelings as I am bending that wire, my emotions with each turn and twist put in place in my heart and mind how I feel about everything.  This week I felt great sadness when I heard of the death of Robin Williams.......I wondered how bad his bad day must of been for him to take his own life....I lit a candle for his spirit and a prayer for his soul, and I let the tears fall for the sadness of him dying alone, for how alone must he have felt to do what he did.  Then I read the sheriff's report, that created even a deeper state of sadness in me, his wife thought he was still asleep in the morning when she left the home.....she didn't even know anything was wrong.......I sat here at this computer and let the reality of that statement sink in, as I looked at my husband I wondered how anyone could not know that their husband was not just sleeping, especially considering how he was found.  I don't understand, and I refuse to judge but the sadness of how bad his day must of been to get to that stage still had its impact and that last detail is one I will never forget.....so I bent wire.....and I processed.....and Mother led me through.

Hug those you love a little closer, when someone has a bad day don't walk away because it makes you uncomfortable, get in there, hold them up, offer to listen, to care, to love.....get uncomfortable, get human and for all the God's sakes get real.......we are all here trying to live a life that at times can destroy us, STOP labelling people! just help them and if you can't help them don't hurt them! Don't gossip and whisper in the virtual halls about who is having what breakdown, who is creating drama and who is not worth talking to.....realize if you are doing that then really it is you that is the problem, not the ones you point and snicker at........the problem lies not in the reality of the human condition it lies in the reality of the human desensitisation that we are all living in.  Stop and be honest with yourself, you may not like what you see but if you don't then the Universe in it's infinite wisdom will show you the lesson up close, because in reality everything in life is a cycle, as one friend so nicely pointed out to me the other day, what you send out is what comes back over and over.......we should all think of that when we see someone struggle under the weight of their burdens, don't walk away, bend down and offer a hand up.....be human.....be real, you never know what life you may save.....take the time to notice.

I wish for you all that you find the way through, that you have like me a way to process and cope with the world and what it can do to us......I wish for you all the miracles that being human can actually be.....much love to you all.