Anniversaries, Surviving and Saints

Good Morning Witches! 

It is the eve of my anniversary with my old guy. It was many years ago, a lifetime now that he walked into my life. A great big ball of angry, betrayed and slightly broken from the chunks life and relationships had taken out of him, and I was in truly no better shape. We spent time together, mainly out of necessity at first, I worked there, it was his local....it blossomed into a friendship and late into the nights that I stood behind that bar we chatted about everything we had lived and all we still wanted from life....it grew quietly at first, I don't think either of us really noticed. One day it just roared, it was Valentine's day and when he asked the same question he had asked me before  "are you ready?" I still chuckle now at the look on his face when I said yes, lol. 

No rose colored glasses here, it took work, tears, smiles, heartbreak and mountains of love but we healed ourselves and each other. 

Maybe it's the scales in me but I remember the past when I celebrate the present. This lifetime is built on the rubble of the first, I am a survivor of domestic violence. For those that have, or are living it, know;

It won't be easy

They are lying to you

I understand 

I am here

Use your voice or keyboard, reach out for help safely, any way you can 

You CAN do this 

You can and will survive and thrive

You will find your way

For me, we aren't going out, just a quiet dinner with the kids then at midnight, I am preparing witch's bottles. These are special ones in honor of St. Rita, the patron Saint of those in difficult, abusive relationships and marriages. I have been collecting the ingredients for a lifetime or two. 

Yes, don't get your pants in a bunch, I am a pagan witch working with a Saint, it happens more than you think. The freedom of being a witch means, I have the freedom to choose how. 

Blessings Witches, sending crooked smiles and buckets of love. 

Tess

As the Wheel Turns Magic Grows

As the wheel turns once again, as this new day dawns it will be Spring, a time I look forward to every year....the Sun starts to warm up, and even on the last day of winter (yesterday) I put my first load of clothes out on the line....of course my black and white cosmic star dresses were out there, blowing in the warm wind while the snow lay melting on the grass below them. It was such a wonderful moment putting on a clean dress that smelled of the outdoors.....it was symbolic to me to wash away the dust of the Winter, and start Spring in the freshest of nightdresses. 

My mind is racing these days, not thinking but planning....oh so many dreams, now with the shop going I am constantly thinking of ways to bring everything a witch needs into it while still working within my limits, thankfully being a Libra I am good at the scales but the balancing act of possibilities and realities is quite the feat, makes me look like I am doing a cha-cha with two uneven broken heels, with some weaving and bobbing for good measure. No one ever said this was going to be easy, but definitely it will be worth it.....all this struggle, it will be worth it.....all this clawing up that steep hill will work.....I only have so much time.....ok, breathe and carry on....believe in my own magic.

There are moment in our lives that we know are crossroads, moments where what we do we know will reverberate through our whole entire lives not that every moment doesn't do that to a certain extent, but crossroads are different, they are massive moments that most times come disguised in the smallest packages....for me it was the offer of a job, one that she could not afford to pay me for....it was just a space in a tiny little room at the back of her store, and if I had a reading I paid her 1/4 of my fee for the space.....it was a leaping point, just like the Fool in the Tarot I was ready to take that leap, and I did....that was 30 years ago now.....long before you could find a tarot reader everywhere....we were few and far between in those days....and there I was jumping right in....I believed in magic then, but then I thought it was something that was separate from me, an energy I had to honour or serve, the concept that it lived within me was something so foreign for me...but this is what happens when you have the life I did....magic saved my life, being me, openly, unashamedly me saved my life and my soul.....and now here I find myself again, putting myself out there, facing the haters, the naysayers and the downright vile comments at times, and messages....but still I do it....if flatlining didn't stop me, then some internet trolls won't either, they are simply tiresome at times....but I have a dream, a plan and magic....so I rise. 

Anointing oils are coming to the shop, handmade incense sticks....books! oh so many books! tarot decks! and a whole line of candles.....magical tools for magical witches.....my dream, make sure that every witch finds their magic, and transforms their life by believing in that magic and knowing that it lives in them! It is them.

And the wheel has turned.....do you feel the magic? I hope you do, I hope you let it rise and fill your veins, rise up and let it flow through your life.....magic never disappoints...it is a part of you.

Back to tarot decks, dreams and plans....

May this Spring wash away all that no longer serves, while ushering in new fresh beginnings filled with joy, peace, healing and abundance for us all.

Blessings

Tess 

New Beginnings, Mercury Rx and Never giving up

 My candle is slowly flickering, dying and the smell of wax fills the air here, a smell every witch knows, the petition is done, the flame is oscillating between a large,bright beacon and the little itty bitty, is it lit stage. I sit and gaze at the flame, it fights for one more moment of glory, fighting for life, for air.

The glow is warm, softening the edges of a life that has had many hard knocks.....age creeps up.....the eyes, although still intense, have a knowing glint that is hard to ignore....they have seen some crazy shit.....but now the lines, they are getting deeper around them, the track of the tears is now clearly marked by the Gods, in the age spots in the shape of a tear on my face.....there is no turning back the years, but really I wouldn't want to......I hear often that I am so strong....I don't really know if that is true, if it is being strong, or really just obstinate....refusal to give up runs in my blood, but that isn't strength for me...that is responsibility and love....I do what I do, I work the way I do and I never give up, because of love.

This has been a strange week for me, starting with our 25th anniversary, sadly my health didn't co-operate, the realities of disability make conventional celebrating impossible at times....so there was tea, our bed and snuggles....this retrograde has been difficult, stressful and even at times terrifying as our little shop went online....I know right? What was I thinking going live as Mercury was going retrograde.....well, if this was the first incarnation of my standalone site then yep, I would have rocks in my head....but nope this has to be the 6th or 7th incarnation of Witch's Chamber, this time it works! It was a heartbreaking process for me in the past, even going so far once of paying someone - with money I so couldn't spare- only to have them ignore it until it had been 3 months and I ended the agony....now two years later here we are....there were many tears, anxiety bouts that were crippling at times, and a whole lot of borrowing from Peter to pay Paul to get it all to where it is today with stock, getting over the hurdle of admitting to myself that no I just cannot craft enough to support us, that was hard....but I didn't quit, I shook myself off, stood up and kept going and thankfully the gentleman I worked with was calm, understanding....and for once I used my voice calmly to admit that I could do no more at times, I needed time to let my brain catch up, for my own mental health....another thing this Mercury retrograde has given me, the truth of my mental health with its limitations without guilt or shame....now finally, it's done! The direction I took was no easy choice, there was much soul searching and honesty necessary, with myself....but I am happy with it.

The crackle of the flame is like a jolt, shaking out the cobwebs my libra brain likes to get caught in....someone told me as a child, you know those backdoor places....where the "curandera" lives....my dad took me....I never forget, she told me there was a bright light around me and that I just needed to keep going forward....it would be hard, but I was made strong.....at the time, I was happy about this...I was a child, now I know why my dad cried on the way home.

The flame has lost its battle, the altar is dark....for the moment....just like that altar it may dim for a moment, but there is always a spark to light a new candle...a new dream....hope

Blessings all

Tess

As My Wheel Turns

 As I lay here tonight there's no sleep to be had no matter what I do it just won't come. This year has been so difficult for so many of us but yet we all carry on, but really what else are we supposed to do? Giving up is something I've never done, no matter how hard it is, my feet just keep moving forward on the road below me, even though I can't see it....my heart knows it's there.....with each step it materializes underneath me....or so I hope.

I imagine life back when I was a child, I never really thought it would be this way....but which of us really imagined life in a realistic way as a teenager? When young you think there is so much time to grow, learn and experience life....as each year passes you think there is an abundance of time to catch up to your dreams.....the years though, they fly by and before you realize a half century has passed....the kids have grown, some still love you and others, well, you are everything they love to hate....a sometimes unavoidable consequence of having children with people who end up being abusive and hateful themselves.....if only there were do-overs for the choices of our youth....of course that is not possible.

I find myself here as my 52nd birthday approaches...it's been an interesting life so far...there has been joy, happiness and much heartache.... A life filled with abuse, domestic violence, and things that can never be forgotten. So many years you would think that it would be easy to forget, but it isn't. In reality every moment of our Lives shapes every coming moment of our Lives... So while we may not carry the anger, the regret or the pain any longer, we will forever carry the experience.....in every cell of our being, the memory resides and when you're really lucky-insert sarcasm- the wonderful PTSD will remind you, over and over again.

Of course this is not to say that I have not had a good life, I have...I've had so much joy, I've had so much love. After my first incarnation in marriage, I swore I'd never do it again. I was convinced that there was no way that I was going to live under the thumb of any other man. What had started with so much love had ended so brutally that I was nowhere near thinking that there was ever going to be a way to find happiness with another man, hell with anybody man, woman didn't matter I was just done. Now as I lay next to my old guy I realize that if there was one thing I could change, it would be to go back to when I was 15 and to walk away from the first one. I would have waited to meet him, but but no matter how much I wish it's not a possibility...even after almost 24 yrs, I want more time, endless time with him...if I could turn back the clock, and relive the life that I wish I had done with him, I would...Oh how the choices would have been different..... It's funny I always think that I've let go of all of this, then this time of year comes...it starts to get cold, the leaves start to change...The familiar chill comes in the air and I know that it's not going to be long and my wheel of the year will turn... Maybe it's just the getting older, maybe it's the hindsight, I may never really know what it is but this time of year brings about the melancholy... 

The feeling that there's there has to be more than this, there has to be more than the struggle...the struggle to be heard, to be seen, to be acknowledged...somehow when you're young you just think this shit will be all worked out by the time you're old.....then you get older and realize that age has nothing to do with having all your shit together... But maybe it's never really about having your shit together and it's more just about walking on, not giving up...Maybe it's just about trying to do better today than you did yesterday...

52, wow, there are more years behind me than there are ahead of me now...there are still so many things I don't know, and no matter how I try to convince myself there will be always things that I regret... But there are some things that I do know...I fought hard to break free...I scraped and clawed my way to me, and I like me...my babies, the best parts of my life, amazing humans that I love to the end of the galaxy and beyond, just for them it was all worth it....and call me stupid but I still believe that one day I won't struggle anymore...I will find the peace I so truly desire, birthing my art, crafting magic and making love to each day....then I realize I already have this now....just need to remember to tune out the noise.....haters gonna hate, no matter what I do, I will just need to remember to turn up the music more.

These are the musings that keep me up tonite, September, the turning of my wheel.....

Descent, Shame and letting go

In the last few months as my birthday approached as I have in other years I felt a strong need to reflect on all that I have lived and experienced....as usual it led to deeper realizations, as I know that each trip around the Sun brings new truths from old hurts and wounds I was expecting this...what I wasn't expecting was for it to reach into my heart and make me feel it all again!

Maybe its the writing; I told myself as I continued to work on book 2, maybe its the reliving of every moment of blood on my lips....or the countless containers of concealer that I used to keep on my dresser that are no longer there, now replaced with Yemaya's altar.....maybe its the bruises that never healed...the ones seared on my heart. Whatever it was this birthday, was a hard one....I had expected last year to be this but it wasn't, it should have been being that it was my 50th, but instead this one dropped me to the floor.....part of me wants to write this uplifting part right here, that says I found my perspective and rose above it all, but truth is I didn't....rather I found that while there is no anger anymore, while there is no regret left....there is a sadness that so many years were wasted in pursuit of a life that was never meant to be mine and all that remains of it is shame.....because that is what girl's like me get as their take away prize from abusive marriages...shame and blame.

I was the girl that got married at barely 17, no I wasn't pregnant...I was searching for love, for autonomy...for freedom from the oppressive reality of living within an immigrant family in the 70's in downtown Toronto....I went from under the thumb of my parents to under the thumb of a husband that while I loved him, knew nothing about how to love me back without anger, abuse and possession. I was a child playing adult games, there was no way I was going to make it through that unscathed. I was already bringing my own scars to this dance....baring them to what I thought was a man that would stand by me till the end of our lives....pretty naive of me, and doomed to failure....I was wrong then, and for years after that day I continued to be wrong, to give up on me, to care more about the superficial parts of life....my hair, my clothes, my nails....I shake my head now and wonder who that girl was....how were my priorities so different than today?

It is as if I have lived two lives all this time....two distinct incantations....each with its own merits and disappointments......I look back and I don't even recognize that girl....even though I still live with many of her original aggressors and issues, who I was is not who I am now.....whether that makes much of a difference or not to so many that still live within those boundaries set long ago, the truth is the truth.....we either grow and move forward or we stay stagnant.....for me it is obvious what I chose; it brought all the opposition for me, and the ugliness I have fought back from; while archaic in a cultural sense to most, it has been a very real presence in my life......victim blaming is a real thing! Just smile and everyone will love you, just hide the bruise and everyone will love you.....just pretend it didn't happen....he is sorry so you should forgive him.....it is your duty to stay married to him.....fuck that noise.....yep fuck that.

My name is Tess, I am 51. I am a domestic assault and sexual assault survivor. I have issues with CPTSD, Lyme Disease and a whole host of other things that fall under that heading. I still am shamed almost on a daily basis and victim blamed, even though it gets me down at times I keep going. You can too. It won't be easy...people will disappoint you, it is the nature of the beast...some days it will feel like trudging through quicksand wearing fireman's boots that are ten sizes too big....I won't lie to you and tell you that its all roses and unicorns, it is not....there are years of healing ahead of you, you will feel alone at times...you will feel lonely, which is totally different than feeling alone....and yes you will feel like giving up...don't.....Don't....DON'T!

Stop living for the big things and start to take pleasure in the little ones....the moments of the Sun rising and seeing the dew glistening on the grass....the butterfly that flits through your life and the quiet and realizing you don't have to look behind you anymore and wonder what is next. Like me there are so many more survivors out there, there is not one part of me that feels that experiencing this life makes me somehow more deserving of good things, I just believe that we all deserve good things.....I have a dream of a day where I don't need to worry anymore, that I can finally breathe and see that all our needs; physical,emotional and financial are all taken care of, that I managed to support my family in spite of my emotional and physical disabilities. Someday it will come, I am sure of it.

Every year as Descent approaches with the darker half of the year, I plan what I will take with me down into Cerridwen's Cauldron...this year it is the shame; for marrying him....for making the wrong choices....for not leaving sooner....for not being the mother that I should have been....for not loving myself enough to know I deserved better.....the sadness of feeling that I wasted so many years of my life hoping against hope that tomorrow would be different....knowing full well that the only way it would be different is if I CHANGED it...not him....Me....the past dies a little more each day as I reclaim another part of me that has been in hiding.....25 years later and I still work through it, so be gentle with yourself, it takes the time it takes....remember the way through is not straight but actually a spiral and we keep going back to the center as we experience things through different eyes each time.....like me on my 51st birthday, facing my oppressors and seeing it from the inside all over again....it happens.....now into the cauldron I go...shed the skins I no longer need....and come out a stronger version of me.

May peace, stability, love and abundance find us all.

Full Moons, Earth Angels and Gratitude

I have found my peace, late at night....once everyone is asleep, there is a stillness that comes over the house, there is a silence that can only be heard then....in the dark, sitting outside on my swing I watched last night as the Moon filled...silently breathing in the energy of her white light, as the voices of the neighbours could be heard in the distance....laughing, and chatting to each other, probably enjoying the Silvery Moon rays as I was.....the weather has turned at night now and it is cool, fallish....if you allow yourself to forget you would swear it is closer to Samhain than it is....or maybe that is wishful thinking from a witch that feels most whole around that turn of the Wheel...either way it is encouraging to feel the vibration of it around the corner. It is always an interesting time here for me....here in this place where I spent the majority of my childhood....my second home, next to being in the city this was it....this was the place of freedom.....

In the city there was always something to be wary of, especially being a child that was lost and searching most of her life....sometimes what I found was not always beneficial at best and terrifying at worst....but here in this place it was safe...there was family everywhere, literally in each house....there was grass and not concrete....there was the lake...the garden....and most of all it meant freedom....I ran these roads every single day I could....had my own flashlight for the night, spent at either my home or the home of an uncle.....there were late nights, laughs, so so many laughs....and there were what I never realized as a child.....my Earth Angels were here.....now I sit on my swing and watch their ghosts walk the same street on their way down to the lake....around Samhain they are usually all here together.....this Moon, the Sturgeon Moon seems to intensify this feeling of ghosts almost as much....maybe its the time of year, maybe its the lake that shares the same name as the Moon, maybe its the days we have had lately....whatever it is the effect is undeniable.....and I woke up this morning with a tremendous sense of gratitude.

I am so thankful and grateful to the Earth Angels that took the bitterness out of my life....it's been a hard one, for many many reasons....some emotional....some physical....and others well, we all know my health.....from the beginning, from birth...its been hard. Bitterness almost seems like the only answer, the only way that I could possibly end up, having swallowed so much vile, vinegar laced life experiences....but no....all along the way there were people...some family, some not...but all angels...each one came at a time that I needed them most....lifted me up and helped me on my way....some stayed, some left, but all left their mark of kindness on my heart....taught me compassion, for myself and for others....they made mistakes, they taught me I would make my own, that is how we learn....no one comes into this world with a map of every step they should ever take...no we all come here and figure it out as we go....some are lucky and have supportive families, others well we fend for ourselves and figure it out as we go, even though we are part of huge families....family does not always mean love, at least not in the conventional meaning of the word family....we learn that along the way...I learned along the way....my family is those that have dirty knees too, not because they were on their knees for themselves, no....because they were down there helping me up when I fell....and I am there when they fall....those are my family, not decreed by blood, but chosen by heart.

These were the conversations today in my home, as we sipped our coffee and prepared for the day, and the gorgeous Sturgeon Moon was still filling outside...it filled us all with a lazy, get started slowly kind of feeling....as a feeling of nostalgia washed over us as we talked about those same ghosts and Earth Angels....many times they saved my life....many times they didn't even know they were doing that....Now at almost 51, yes next month! I look back so fondly on all them...I share the stories with my children of their acts of kindness...of their love, that they so generously shared with me....teaching me how to love myself and in turn love my own when they came to be...there is a certain peace found in yourself when you realize all these things....that is where I find myself today....at peace....I have known great love in my life, of all kinds....I am lucky and grateful for that, to everyone that has touched my life along the way to here....may I have the same impact in theirs and yours, should you need me I am here.

My wish to all of you today, may you find the peace you seek....may your life be filled with Earth Angels....and may you continue in their path and be one yourself.
So mote it be

Blessed Full Moon Witches!

Tess

Dark Moon turned Black

It is the Dark Moon, my absolute favourite time of the month, although today I am a tad slow at getting going, new treatment last night knocked me on my ass! I have also been putting off writing this since last night, so that I could fully process the entire breadth of the last few weeks, so many things have happened that definitely today is a time to throw it all into my cauldron with a lovely black candle to melt all that does not serve away. I was going to call it ugliness, but some of it truly wasn't....there were great shining moments this last month as well, there really were!

We all know this has been a difficult time, many of us have felt it...with Mercury in retrograde we have all had multiple challenges in our lives whether with electronics, vehicles or relationships it has all been there, like sludging through quick sand at times. I have heard all of you as you reached out to share, I am glad it goes direct again tomorrow, please let go of the idea its the 2nd of August that it goes direct, its not it is tomorrow July 31st....though you have to laugh, good ole Mercury sending mixed signals, who would have thought it lol....so now that we know it is going direct Wednesday we can all exhale a combined sigh of relief. Remember though when it stations and changes direction, it intensifies for that moment so be ready!

The last five days for me have been tremendous as well, filled with new connections and venues to explore, vending twice in one week! unheard of for me but I did it this weekend. After meeting a wonderful new friend at the market last Friday. I really enjoyed the market last Friday not just because of the new vending event but because it was so wonderful to speak to someone that feels much of the same way as I do about life....someone who didn't shy away from the Witch but came up directly and shook my hand. At times it is difficult for me to live in this area with my own circle almost 3 hours away, it gets lonely on a physical level. You can imagine I was well pleased to meet someone so open and warm. It was great, and we took her advice and we went to the Bobcaygeon Psychic Fair on Sunday.

To be clear I loved it, it was wonderful... and we met so many new people, made connections and saw some friends there that made the day a great event for me....of course I counselled some, I encouraged others and dispelled some myths as well about Voodoo, Dark magic and light magic....suffice to say there is no color in magic, there is intent! As well if someone tells you that you have an evil spirit on you and you need to pay some exorbitant amount to clear yourself, take my advice run away! they are not a true practitioner fo anything, more of a con.....all pretty regular fare for these events and then just before it ended as my husband and I sat there we noticed an acquaintance we know from our town...shocking that he was there as he is a devout evangelical Christian...but ok, being an interfaith minister means I do not judge anyone for their spiritual path....wish I was given the same respect though...sadly what had been a glorious day turned dark quickly when he felt the need to ask me why the witchcraft....I am me, simply stated I am a witch, I am happily a witch and no I do not require saving of my soul....Jesus and I, we are ok, we are great in fact...but his followers really that is a whole other story....just as this person proved, as he told me I was going to go to hell....not to mention that I will lose my mind before I go, as others he wanted to tell me about....that Satan is around me and trying to take me to the dark side....it was sad....my old guy was overwhelmed with it, he had to walk away and I was left to try to explain it all to this man, who I know thought he was doing something good, when in reality he placed himself at a venue that was set up for all of us witches, psychics and healers to enjoy and share our wares and energy and tried to shove his beliefs at us all....he told me at the end he was there specifically to save souls....I had to tell him I did not require saving of mine....odds are he won't speak to us again when he sees us, but I just can't get over his incredulity that I had to be Christian because in our previous conversations he believed I was...he quoted the bible at me...I know the bible, I can quote it too...it is a great book, that has been horribly manipulated....so what exactly does that say about me? in the end he told me that Jesus could not possibly accept me as I am...I wished him well and reiterated I am a Proudly Pagan witch...he left disappointed, convinced my soul is damned.....maybe someday he will realize that your choice of what you call God does not exactly make you a good person, that comes from inside.....not from a book...a church....or even a God....that comes from your own heart....do you think they will ever understand?

Today as I said, I am a little slow getting started, with Lyme disease the New Moons are also a cycle for parasitic infection load, so I am dealing with that as well today as tomorrows New Moon looms ever closer, but I am up, I am writing and I am releasing....throwing all this and more into the cauldron....I am used to this kind of thing even if my husband is not, but it does not mean I should ever accept it, or even worse bow down to it....there is no freedom in hiding who we are or pretending to be something else to placate the feelings or fears of others.....and with Lyme kicking my ass at different times I have even less patience for it than usual! so the moral to this whole story is you will be questioned, you will be pushed and cajoled, it is up to you to decide who you really are and what or who you worship....don't let those that don't understand take you off your path, no matter what that path is, spirituality is individual and not for others to choose for us, no matter who they are.

My black candle is lit...blessed...anointed....and burning.....my blades are out and I will be cutting and throwing it all into that cracked cauldron of mine....I am clearing and releasing it all.....are you ready to do it too?