20 October 2014

The Pirates of the Fibro Sea

If you have been following along on my Facebook page then you know that I have been in a great big old flare for a bit now, and this led me to ask myself what does Fibromyalgia look like for you? I have become so accustomed to the realities of living with this condition that I sometimes forget that those around me have no idea what I am going through.  

Many of you know that for the longest time I was losing weight and feeling great, getting stronger daily, but like anything else in life the moment of the turning of the wheel had to come for me so I crashed and hard, so I have been over here for about two months now flaring it up.  So what does fibro look for me? well the swelling has taken that weight loss and basically made it completely irrelevant because I suddenly appear about 8.5 months pregnant, with all the lovely things that come with that condition, minus of course the bundle of joy at the end of the suffering.  There is also the rash that has made itself a permanent fixture now on the side of my face and along my chest, the SLE trying to push it's way through, so far I think I am still winning that battle, will keep ya updated in future blogs!   oh and my feet! oh my they burn, so badly that keeps my mind off the aches and pains in my joints and my head that has joined in the swelling making it even painful to put on my glasses due to the pressure....and yet I am sitting here writing this, could it really be so bad you may ask.....I will tell you it is, it is horrible and YES I am here writing it, fighting back the nausea that has plagued me all day. 

Why? because it needs to be talked about, it needs to be discussed until everyone everywhere understands what this disease is, how it can instantly rob you of your freedom to enjoy your life, where you may have thought you had a choice fibro has suddenly taken it away, or at least tried to.  I am not such a good patient, just cannot sit still for long periods of time, so although I know I should be sleeping, getting lots of rest and avoiding any kind of issues or anything too taxing right now, ask me if I can do it? well hell no.....my idea of bed rest is getting up every hour or two if I can make it that long and then wander into the kitchen to start dinner, or sweep the house, laundry and yes there have been instances of walking barefoot in the rain, dancing has even been seen in the mists.......physically I might feel like utter crap but my mental, emotional and spiritual self is doing ok! more than ok in some ways.....making plans for Witch's Chamber, moving forward with new pieces and breaking new ground with new business connections, so many things to come......so as I sit here and of course my feet must remind me ever so painfully about the fact that the flare is still here, I continue to write, I continue to dream.   

I count myself as one of the lucky ones when it comes to fibro, only in the early days of my condition now almost 30 yrs ago, did I ever really experience the brain fogs as I called them then. People had no idea what I was talking about when I would try to explain to them that suddenly it was a moment of confusion, and I would search desperately for a voice or face that I knew; that I trusted, someone that was familiar....I remember those moments they were terrifying, they thankfully have not happened for a very long time, now it is more of a physical suffering for me, and that well that I can take.....my mind takes me to all the places I wish I could go to even when my body won't cooperate, dreams are easy though they don't require any more participation than your thoughts, wishes and sometimes the added energy of a very rambunctious 4 almost 5 year old captain and the seas are always available for us to sail our Pirate bed ooops sorry ship into the great beyond! 

This is what this disease does to me, this is what fibro looks like for me and how I cope.....what do you cope with? how do you deal with it? 

18 October 2014

Tess Muin's Witch's Chamber

Ok so I have now been sat here since 8 am, I have started two blogs both with issues and discussions that I think are important and yet somehow they are just not right and what I want to say apparently, because neither one of them has been finished, the thoughts just stop after I express the first part of what it is that I think I want to write about and then boom nothing.....so I guess no matter how hard I try I won't be able to write until I handle this little bit of thing that is hanging on for dear life. Thing you say? yes this thing, this get my face and myself out of the limelight thing, this I do not wish to be in the front lines thing.  I have tried all my life not to be seen, to blend into the shadows where I felt comfortable but yet somehow I always seem to peek a little toe out, a little look around and I start to navigate away from troubled waters to find my own calm pool of Spirit and suddenly I look around and there are a whole bunch of others there with me!

I love you all but you must understand I am not a trained witch in the forms of witchcraft that are popular, I am just an old witch that has her own way of doing things, yes I have books and I love certain ones but they were never a part of the witch in me, they are a result of the witch in me wanting something to read that was interesting to me......much of what I do I do because I listen to my intuition, the gentle winds that guide me to where I am supposed to be and ultimately my faith in the Gods, and that is right I said Gods.  I do not only follow Goddess but both God and Goddess in balance, and I use these words because there really is a lack of words to express the energy of Divinity....God is not a name, it is a title, just like witch is not my name but it is a title I hold proudly, I earned it through generations of my soul's hard work.  I am pretty sure that first witch all those centuries ago didn't have a nifty book to follow but yet she ~or maybe he~ found their way through, didn't they? such a touchy subject with all them big egos out there.

So here comes the dilemma I have been grappling with for some time now, well since right after the last blog and a certain experience I had, and in reality a whole lot longer than that, it happens to be a recurring theme in my life, because of the lack of a positive mother/daughter connection in my childhood the situation keeps manifesting itself again and again with new women, spiritual women, healers, witches and well just about any woman that is in my life and tries to assume a role of mothering.  I cannot really blame them, I seem to fulfil a need for these women who require a somewhat student as they see me I guess, I assume that role of blending into the shadows well in those situations, from years of hiding my gifts to stay "safe" I go back to doing the same thing with them.......I assume a secondary almost wide eyed subordinate role, they do not actually do it to me I just literally walk into that role because it suits me, you see this is where I feel unobstructed to observe and pay attention to the likelihood of being hurt, abused, taken for granted, lied to yada yada I guess you kinda get the jist of it.......these are roles I never take with anyone that truly knows me in the mundane would EVER expect me to take, but it is simply a replay on my oldest lesson in witchcraft of standing in my own power, my own energy and shrinking away to make others more comfortable, somehow safer because they feel superior......THAT IS what has been stuck in my craw! Yes I do that, willingly.  YES I am not doing that anymore.

Recently I lived through an experience that brought this home to me finally for the last time, thankfully from the oddest place I ever expected to hear words that could impact that lesson of all lessons, well I finally heard the words uttered on Criminal Minds that were like the hammer that cracked that last final hard shell and let it all spill out.....in moments I sat and watched connections form in my heart from one moment to another, from one experience to another as the aha spread like wildfire through a dry brush......here it is of course so out of context to what was happening on the show but the reality of the simple beauty of what he said for me is just still so there in this little tidbit.......Dr. Spencer Reid: You think this is about my *profiling skills*? Jennifer, listen: the only reason you were able to manage my perceptions is because I *trusted* you! ~  http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0024259/quotes

Now how brilliant is that! no I am not a profiler! although I really wish I had known that even existed when I was younger and who knows! but ok back to this, the truth is I have a gift and always have, I have prophetic dreams, I see things, I am a witch in all things that matter to me, my path is eclectic and different and really wholly mine......I have developed myself and learnt much from many along the way there is not just one person, or one mentor and I thank all those......but those words well they set me free, from the words of doubt that have remained from the ones I trusted, wondering so many times how my perceptions could have been so wrong, how could I have been so duped, never realizing that the truth was I stopped watching when I trusted and I did that because I took the back seat and let myself appear to be weak, afraid or timid in some way, uneducated or who the hell knows anymore, I don't care reality is I need to change that.  The most recent experience of being confronted by this turned into a huge flare, because on top of all the mundane crap, spiritual bullshit was the last thing I wanted to deal with, so when suddenly I was advised of a coming witch hunt/attack on me I was suddenly back in that state of what do I do? a preemptive strike? a wait and see? or a let's just slink back into the shadows, or do I just trust my own feelings on this and carry on.........can you now see what I have been warring with all this time? the most fundamental question and lesson for me? Am I finally ready to stand in my own power and not fear what others may or may not poke holes at?

I'm here aren't I? Witch's Chamber is mine, it is my Chamber where I gather with those that wish to be a part of my circle, not because they have to be but because they want to be.  I won't stand in anyone's shadow, and I have a pretty firm grip on mine.....witch attacks and wars, don't get me wrong I know they happen and they exist, I also know this last bit was more about managing my perceptions than anything else......I am proud and happy with who I am; all facets, I realized this week when I called out to the Gods and they swiftly answered all my needs that my trinity; and all I believe in, what has made me choose this path and kept me company all along has been my faith, the Gods and my magic......

I am a Witch that knows the road is always ahead, the past is worth remembering but not dragging around with you and the future well, just keep going cause it will be exactly what it is meant to be.......besides who EVER said the path of witch was easy?

Craw cleared back to everyday witchery!