22 June 2017

Anger, Solstice, Lyme and Ultimately Letting Go

There is a whole world inside of me, a world filled with heart, pain, love, and so much more. There is a past that can't reconcile with the present and the future is not even a thought. This world I carry inside is right now stuck in the past, reliving, re-feeling and the depth of emotion is scary, very real and powerful, and borders on the darker sides of me.

There are deep feelings of anger that were reignited in me lately.....I am angry at those that discount what I have lived through, who shrug it off, it isn't a real thing, just a ploy for sympathy....I am angry at those that changed the course of my life, the embezzler, the abusive one, the users....I deal with the fact that I have to walk past my rapist's grave to get to my father's, but when his family encroaches on my father's grave I am angry beyond belief....I am angry that everything I have ever done is to be discussed, torn apart and forever brought forward while the crimes, and some are literal crimes of others are kept quiet and hushed....forgotten as they walk by and act as if their shit doesn't stink, and to add insult to injury their broods who carry on the tradition of ignorance, steeped in the lies of their parents.....people that someday will become my ancestors...I am angry for those that hurt my husband, holding themselves higher on some scale of goodness based on their loose interpretation of their religion without any real understanding of their own God, I am angry and hurt for my children that were disregarded.....I am angry at the asshole that tried to rip me off by using my credit card fraudulently, every bit of money I have goes to my healthcare asshole, you just made it less until the card security figures it out...and I am angry and hurt at the ones that only think of me as mom when it suits their current need, drawing boundaries around you was hard but now they are cast in stone.....

What brought this all on? I can't really say if it was the visit to the cemetery, the tooth that broke in my mouth that I had to pull out myself, the reality of a Staph infection that is recurrent, requires meds that knock me even more on my ass, or a whole other host of disappointments lately.....I worked so hard to build Witch's Chamber and now all I can do is sit by and watch it all die and fade away.....or maybe it was just a gradual overboil of things.....either way it is a condition that I cannot allow to fester any longer......It is really counterproductive to all I believe, strive and want in my life but yet there it is, in all its glory, anger has permeated this and is crouching on my shoulders as we speak, as I write this I can feel it pushing down on the back of my neck, the albatross around my neck making me feel like I have to hang my head from the pressure......I see you, I feel you, many of you have been with me a long time, building up over time, hiding every so often but always coming back with such force, now with the Late Stage Lyme treatment into its 4th month I am told this feeling of anger is common, a type of reaction that many others experience.....that must be why all those things I thought I had dealt with from the tearing up of my family when I was child to the tearing up of my family when I was a mother, but no here they are again, I deal with them daily and navigate the interior of my heart as it tries over and over to reconcile and let go.....this is what my heart laid out for the Sun yesterday....followed by a moment of defiance and clarity, I am entitled to these feelings and all they entail because I lived these things, I still do and I deal with them, some on a daily basis....I am not superhuman I am simply human, a very spiritual and connected human but still human and I feel like anyone else, deeply, to the core on some things and some well while they can be forgiven can never be forgotten, so I should expect that they will crop up in my mind from time to time, but I refuse to unpack and live in the anger.....I give it all to the Gods to do with as they wish, I release, I let go and I move on, abeit with boundaries now, boundaries to even keep out those that I love dearly but are toxic to my life and the life of the ones I protect.....drawing a virtual circle around me, and placing a mirror up to let all have their own energy back, it is not required but yet they try to send......

What you wish me I send back, be ever mindful of what it is though so when it amplifies you know what you will be reaping. I made my peace yesterday and made my feelings and wishes clear to the person that I have deemed as my legacy contact, she will ensure that what I want will be when my time comes, may it be in the far reaching future, but still she knows those that can stand not 10ft from me and don't know me, do not need to know me when I pass, do not stand over my grave and weep for what you could have been a part of while I was here.....boundaries for now and even for after my death, that is what I sat and worked out yesterday....and that helped me, I expressed my feelings, I made my wishes known and I discussed my own mortality without fear, just my own truths, and I made sure my child knows the true stories of her ancestors, both the good ones and the not so good ones......oddly enough it felt reminiscent more of Samhain ritual than Solstice but since I learnt long ago to follow the energy and where it takes me I did, and I am glad, because as I wrote this and shared my experience I felt the weight of it all slip off my shoulders.

Be blessed, be strong, make your plans and then follow your path without a map, just follow the energy and let it flow, ride your wave and throw the crap overboard when you simply don't need it anymore.....it will be ultimately freeing!