27 July 2015

Lammas and The Blue Moon cometh....

As Lammas approaches I realize that I have bottled up words, feeling like they are churning and twisting so much to say, but the inability to let them just come.....that has been the challenge since moving here. A part of me feels so strongly that the reason is because if I say them then this dream will end, the reality will be we will still be living in the state of poverty we were in, this will have been all a dream that we resisted waking up from, but something inside me has changed forever so I can't ignore it any longer. Truth is I resist success, not just mine but as a whole within even my own relationships, I shy away from the limelight and when you are successful everyone sees you, they even seek you out, so I purposely do not allow myself to get right there to the point of no return, but rather shine for a bit and then let it dim slowly till almost out of sight only to start the whole cycle again without ever passing that threshold.

This is not a new concept to me but one that I struggle with every so often, always looking to find my way through it if even in a little tiny way, a glimmer of an extra step forward each time being what I strive for, sometimes I manage it sometimes not so much, either way the inner turmoil of it all makes me hide thereby negating all my efforts leading up to the threshold of success. So I am forced to delve back into my psyche and decipher why, where are my feelings of worth still lacking? where have I discounted my value in myself, what words are there that hang there like a curtain blocking my light? I have realized that for me words carry the most weight, bruises heal but words they continue to fester and infect all around them, years later when I feel I have grown beyond them they have a nasty way of coming back to bite me again, like that snake you didn't notice as you stepped down onto the grass, startled it lashes out, my heart lets loose with its deepest wounds.......this healing thing seems to be a life long process, with many layers to it because just when I think I have done it I find there actually is a much deeper layer I hadn't realized I had to sort through as well. A lifetime process it seems to keep healing, at times I wonder how many lifetimes and ancestral lines am I actually working on healing in this path? but I trudge on, this blog is today's step. Today I face my fear of success, and being thrust forward, and I admit it, I find for me the first step in healing and really growing beyond my comfort zone is to admit where my issues are. I hope this helps me to be able to let go enough to finally finish the book, where I have realized my issue lies in letting all see and read for themselves how I practice, how I deal and how I cope, I mean in all honesty what could be more personal than a book about me and by me? maybe that is why I agonize over its content, I share bits and pieces but hold back on letting it all be seen.....and yes that stems from my fear of rejection something that I have struggled with all my life, from playground to boardroom......in all aspects of all relationships, the rejections have been the hardest to come to grips with, very personal and core issues for me. At the root of it all I fear success because of the pain of rejection and ridicule.  Not very glamorous, but very human, witch or not I am still very human....

Now that I have delved into my heart again, I feel that this Lammas I shall give thanks and much gratitude for the wonderful and bountiful harvest we have been given, a roof over our heads, food on the table and a wonderful home to live in, all we ever wished for really has been granted, and we are working on the financial security to a certain degree, or as much as you can when working for yourselves. There really is so so much to be thankful for, when poverty was not so long ago, when it was a stretch to make the meals last and the constant pleas to utility companies was enough to crush my spirit, it really was only 3 months ago....part of me wonders if the newness of it all is not also contributing to my trepidation about how solid it all is.....maybe I have to let it sink in that the drought is really over......and this, all of this is what I choose to lay down in front of the Gods for this Full Blue Moon, the moment of final balancing for me and the wish to finally pass that threshold that eludes me of success, at least what I consider to be success. 

Have you thought of what you will be thankful for this Lammas? or what you wish to work with for this amazing Moon that comes on Friday? if you haven't it might be a great opportunity to work with your own core and see where you can use the help of this amazing energy, or at the very least celebrate the energy of harvest and gratitude with those you love, you won't regret it......this is all for me now, onto swimming in the river and letting the waters run over my body as it washes away the fears and prepares me for the growth I seek.

Blessings and love to you all!