02 March 2017

Reflection, Repose and Reset

What do you do when your eyes can't see the world you saw a few weeks ago? How do you still go back to the same places you went before? and when you do how do you not look at people and see them for who they showed you they were? I have sat with these questions since last Friday.....when I went back to that post office. I have sat with many other questions as well, some for me, some for others......did I over react? should I have not gotten upset? why am I so very upset about this? is it the experience itself or what it means that has me so shaken.....try as I might I can't just brush it off like it was nothing, and yet in the grand scheme of racism and xenophobia what I experienced was minimal....not even directed at me at first, I placed myself in their sights when I defended others.....would I do it again? would I have the courage to speak up again if faced with this situation again? and the worst question......how do others deal with this daily, day in day out, how do you keep your sanity, your spirits and your belief in humans and their goodness intact?

This situation has led to some deep soul searching, some thinking and processes, many processes that I have had to deal with for me and for my son, coping skills....he now refuses to set foot in the post office. It has become a place he associates with "mean" people as he puts it, 7 years old and he gets that what happened there was not right, it shouldn't have happened.....as he works through it we deal with more sounds, less words....more moments of little meltdowns as I drive through town. The other day I received an email from Canada Post telling me my ticket had been closed....they had completed it and there was nothing left to say....I disagree, in fact I disagreed before they closed their ticket....I disagreed when last Friday afternoon I had to go in and check my mail and my mother's to find an incorrect envelope in my box and had to head in the storefront....I disagreed when I walked in the door and that woman stood there, smiling ear to ear like a Cheshire cat....I disagreed when she smiled warmly at me like someone that thought they were my friend....I disagreed when I walked out and called the District Manager and left a message telling him that although he had apologized for him, Canada Post and the Post Master at that location, as much as he assured me that Canada Post does not condone this at all, I disagreed because she said not one word, no acknowledgement, no apology, no anything at all.....I disagreed when I felt sick to my stomach and when my anxiety kicked into high gear when faced with her....I still disagree, still they have closed the ticket.....this is not over by a long shot, not for me. 

I am disappointed in Canada Post, I am disappointed in my town, and all in all I am simply disappointed in these people, from top to bottom. I have had time to think about all this, I have cried rivers of tears about this, and I have even admonished myself silently for speaking up at times, life could have been so much simpler if I had not felt compelled to speak truth to their ignorance....I have not decided where I am going to go with this from here, I have not given it enough thought yet or found a path forward as I muddle through all the feelings that came to me through this traumatic experience....a new found respect for those that deal with much worse was born in me that day too, even though I have lived through it before I realize that I have been sheltered from it for years in this area because of my appearance, mistaken for being a Native Canadian.....something that has happened to me both from the Native and non Native community.....the long dark hair, the black eyes....the very real Portuguese Canadian blood that flows in my veins says different. 

For now I am content simply being, existing, incubating, allowing the poisons to finish their path to ravaging my body, in the name of healing, we shall see......for now I keep myself busy with my page, teaching my witchlet as the men cook and clean around here, keeping everything going while I convalesce. This thing with Canada Post it won't end here, I won't let it...but it will keep until my physical and spiritual self are back in perfect tune.....this round of meds is done tomorrow! woohoo one more day! then a break to regroup and find the next step on the health front. My eldest son thinks I am superwoman, when he sent me that message I cried, smiled through those tears but still if he only knew how far away from that I felt at that moment, if he could only have seen me....my boys they remind me that I have never given up on anything and neither do they, my girls strike at the world, independent, strong, together they remind me that I am mom and it has always been my job to show them the way through, and I don't do that by shying away or being afraid of what life brings. I fight for every step and respect every freedom and responsibility. Such is my life and such is me.....I wouldn't want it any other way.

So would I do it again? would I stand up for someone else again? even if they weren't there and it could mean that I would face it directed at me? yes I would. I regret that my son was there on one hand, but on another I am glad that he saw that his mom would not allow racism and xenophobia to be expressed in front of him, did he understand that as it was happening? hell no, but he does now.....and he understands that it is wrong, never for a moment think that a child with or without Aspergers will not absorb the words being said around them, they are sponges! now he knows those are words we do not support as human beings and as he states to any that would think to ask him his views  "we all bleed red" and that is what I want him to know and always remember, equality...we are all equal and I have realized that at the heart of it all I have always been an advocate for equality.....I think maybe that should be the path that comes from all this, the advocate becomes an activist.....it will be as the Gods see fit!

Blessings to you all that walk along with me!