30 January 2014

Cheers to you! Growth to me.....

Hi there, my name is Teresa, don't expect me to call myself by that name because I have honestly never ever liked it, I found out some years ago when my dad passed the reason why....apparently back in Portugal where I was born I was called by my middle name which is Laurinda, short form Laurie, until we came to Canada then my dad was told he needed to call me by my first name and this is why that name never worked for me, why it always makes me feel like when ever someone calls me it it is not me they are talking to.....so now that covered, let me introduce myself properly without all the extra words.

My given name is Teresa, call me Tess if you want me to answer you.
I am a child, a wife, a mother and a grandmother
I am an artist, dedicated to sharing my connection to the Divine
I am a witch.
Yes I was born one.
No I don't need to prove it you, or anyone else.
No I am not a "white" or "dark" witch I am simply a witch.
Yes I have hurt others, and yes I have been hurt.
I am human. I am so much more than the shell I inhabit, I am enough.
Everything I do in one form or another is out of love, to either grow, protect or release it.

There will always be many who love me, those that hate me and those that conspire against me, it is just the nature of the jealousy I run into......I will always make you choose when you meet me, you can bet on that.

Your resolve, your words, your truth they will all come face to face with your self.....best make sure that you are living authentically because after you meet me you will never be the same.

I will always know what you are doing, planning, and trying to do to me, no I will not stop you, that is your own energy, your own "karma" for lack of a better word, it is your path not mine, I will simply offer you love, honesty and friendship......until the final moment when you come face to face with your demons, whether you win or lose at that point is really all you......me well I will keep going along on my path, learning what I can from you, teaching you and showing you what you will see and otherwise my time in your life will come to an end and you will either feel forever part of me or you will go off to learn harsher lessons elsewhere......

it is what it is....and I am what I am......love me, hate me, it really does not matter to me, for I am not your judge, the Gods are.......and they see everything.

Some mistakenly believe they have arrived at their position, reality is life is a journey, forever learning forever growing, the moment you think you have arrived you have begun to stagnate......it is the journey that is important not how many you step on to hold yourself up.

Today I wipe the slate clean, today I rise to make this life what I want it to be... and only what I want it to be.

if you think this is vain.....well then you have lost the plot to your own Divinity, and it really is your loss.....I have always had faith in mine, it is what holds me up when my knees buckle, sheer faith.....find some, live it, extend some, it may just save your life like it did mine.

29 January 2014


Well it happened to me again.....I thought I knew how I felt, was sure I had let things go and had moved on from the past.  I know many people do not really put alot of credence into planets and astrology, but when Venus went retrograde, things changed for me at such a deep core level that I know I will never be the same, not in a bad way either just different.  All those relationships that I had compartmentalised in my heart and mind, every one of them suddenly came back into the light and I had to look at them, this time though I was looking at them through honest eyes, not justifying any of my own behaviour, just looking at it clearly, honestly, without filters for what it was.  That was when it happened, love humbled me again......memory upon memory came tumbling out......good ones, bad ones, even the most of mediocre ones suddenly were all remembered, no matter how it ended it was all love.

For so many years I have been upset at someone for not letting me go, for holding on far beyond reasonable times, I was so upset at him that I never realized I never let him go either.  All those years ago when our life together fell apart, I never dealt with the memories, I never sat and felt the good ones, relived them or could even cope with looking at them so I just locked them all up in this chamber in that heart of mine that I am discovering goes so much deeper than I had ever realized.  That is where over 20 years of my life have stayed, locked away.....some small snippets after the kids were born fell through here and there, but the stuff that others consider their glory days that remained locked up tight, tighter than any drum you have ever seen or played......so tight it only took almost 20 years to come to grips with and admit to myself........the truth of that realization well it really sent me for a loop, sending my Libra scales flinging wildly out of control....balance? what the fuck is that!

So here is the truth in this, I never stopped loving him, I just put it away...him I put him away....we were children when we got together, both of us damaged each in our own way.....we started off with lots of love, it was passionate strong love, even though we were young we knew we had demons both of us, we talked alot about them early on in our life together and then we BOTH not just him both of us forgot them and went about living the life that we thought we were supposed to.....blindly believing this is the way it should be......he became what he never wanted to be and I answered and became what I always swore I wouldn't be.....and there it is, the disolution of us the end, it was as much my fault as his.....the divorce or lack there of  well that was as much my fault as his too.......I have come to realize that our life together was so passionate and the love was so large that it took almost as long as it lasted for me be able to look at it again......openly, honestly.........I cannot nor would I speak for him but I am doing so for me.  I am sorry that I hurt you, years ago you apologized to me for your part in the marriage I never did the same for you but I want to extend that to you now.......I know there is still pain there, there is for me too, hopefully now there can be healing, so my heart tells me anyway.....

This being honest and clear with your heart this shit is hard! Holding myself accountable without filters has been quite interesting, enlightening and ultimately freeing.......I think the steps forward are getting clearer and the path ahead is starting to glow, and there is a part inside of me that is sure there are fewer missteps ahead, clearer vision.........my heart has needed this for a very long time.......thankfully all the releasing has drawn me and the old guy closer, opening each other further to our own relationship, our own love showing us where the dark was still hiding our own demons...reminding us how thankful we are that we found each other when we did or the wreakage of our hearts would have been so much worse...amazing how much we can learn when we take off our blinders and commit to looking at ourselves through eyes that are clear, no excuses, no bullshit....

Two more days and Venus goes direct......I am looking forward to that, as I am this path I am walking, letting go, releasing and removing all unwanted and unneeded energy from my life, replacing it with healing, love and kindness.....yes that's the ticket....

Love....it will never cease to amaze you in how it will humble and heal you at the same time......

23 January 2014

Pointing fingers

Do you ever sit and wonder how the world got to our current state? I find that in the last few years I have done this on many occasions, yes usually because some asshole has done something so horrendous that I have no way to wrap my head around it, for me it then becomes a connected part of a greater whole picture that is so scary to look at in reality.

The bigger picture now includes a world that we all know is slowly dying, not because it was ill at it's beginning but because we as humans have tried to destroy it with our greed, it includes rises in all mental health issues, escalating violence, vicious natural disasters and in truth how many of us ever feel safe enough to let our kids do the things we did as children? I can't even look at the atrocities that are happening to children all over the world.....and do you know what the worst part of all this is for me? the wasted time, effort and energy that is spent on fighting whose God is the real one.....or who is or isn't a witch......or the ones that feel the need to decipher everyone else's psychological issues-maladies or whatever the damn proper politically correct term is.....seriously people! it takes trained professionals years to diagnose people but really you spend precious energy on this? this all disgusts me beyond belief......we spend hours ridiculing what others have found faith and peace in, when did we all sign on to be judge and jury of everyone else?  It amazes me because in the same breath that they are pointing a finger at everyone else they never realize that there are 3 more pointing back at them.

I am the first person ever to say that healthy debate is wonderful, good for the soul and for growth of the consciousness of us all as whole, after all it is through healthy, honest, respectful discussion that we get to the point where there can be understanding, but to blatantly tell people that their idea of faith, or strength is wrong because in your narrow stream of consciousness you may not believe is very very wrong.  Now before people jump all over me or whisper in the virtual hallways of Facebook about how ridiculous what I am saying is, let me clarify I am not discussing people that have serious mental health issues I leave that to trained professionals, I am not discussing those that chose that their faith involves torture, or any type of abuse of anything be it human, animal or anything at all, that is not my deal and I do not believe it needs to anyone else's again my own belief, so now that put aside let's be clear what does it really matter to anyone else if someone worships a dragon? or the Fae? it is their path, their faith and their source of strength, what exactly gives anyone else the right to sit in judgement and decide that they must be slightly off, or unstable in any way? Yes I know I am droning on about this well it really pisses me off, more I see of it more I see that Pagans are becoming as close minded as others that they have for years put down for their inability to see beyond the mundane.....where do these people draw the line? If I apply their own criteria for judging others whose to say their own connection to their Deities does not really exist and is only a figment of their own imagination? see my point yet?

Being a witch for me is about seeing the magic in the most ordinary of moments, of respecting each bit of energy that it takes to create the simplest of creations, because for me there is not a thing that isn't beautiful in our world, all things created by the Divine hold their own beauty.......everything has it's own spirit, it is all about faith at the end of the day......being a witch does not give me faith, it does not grant me some wiggle my nose kinda power, having faith in the greater energy, in the existential, eternal connection of life as a whole makes me a witch....knowing that by respecting that which is greater than me connects me to my magic....maybe if everyone found their ability to respect each other then maybe they could feel the true and utter rush of connection to Spirit...can you imagine the greater good that could happen if that many light workers, magic wielders, healers and everyone connected wanting to fix what we have done to our world? call me a pollyana or tell me I have silly dreams but if even one person changes their mind and moves in this direction then there is one less creating negative and destructive energy in our already ill world....I always thought that ultimately that was the Pagan way to want to repair what we have done to our world, our environment our people but it somehow got lost and instead what I see increasing in record numbers is trolls around social media pointing fingers, attempting to ridicule and degrade those that sincerely walk their own path, deem themselves more worthy Pagans, more experienced, more more more.....honestly I say fuck it! fuck them! remember this it is your prerogative to not agree with someone else's path, but it is ours to continue to walk it.


truthfully I don't know about you but I would never ever ever deem it appropriate for me to decide what is Divine and what is not, which God/Goddess exists and which does not, I know for a fact I am merely human and that decision is light years out of my hands! if you don't know that for yourself then maybe it is your own view of yourself you should be looking at not anyone else's.....my two cents!

21 January 2014

Letting go of some Judgement

It has been just about a month since I sat and wrote, and what a month that was! The frozen septic issue went from bad to worse and for the last little while, well since a couple of days after the last blog we have been living as if we had suddenly been plunged into pre-indoor plumbing days.  The frigid temperatures, and limited resources left little that could be done other than to pray for a January thaw, thankfully magic always delivers and the thaw came, the help arrived (thank you! and I love you!) and the septic we can say is back to working order! yay! can you say relieved!!!! This was an experience that really opened my eyes to so many things, some on a mundane level others on a generational level and still others on an ancestral level, and others on a literally really shitty level!

When the realities of life without indoor plumbing set in, we set in to taking care of it, in the best possible spirits we got through it, our relationship survived the test well and in truth both learnt a great deal from the experience, for the hubby it was a case of how it really was easier to deal with the realistic harshness at times of our life as long as we maintained our composure and found a way to laugh, knowing it is only a matter of circumstance and it will come to an end eventually allows you to keep your sanity and not rip each other whole new asses.....for me well it was the reality of being a housewife back in a time when they did have to carry buckets of water to fill sinks and dump them out, sink after sink, it was realizing that it was not simple to just do the dishes, or wash the laundry.....showering in itself took on a whole new meaning.  All of this in the dead of the Atlantic Canada winter.  How many of us now ever get the opportunity to even live for a day as our ancestors did, with the harshness of the cold, the reality of the workload and the tiredness of a body at the end of the day that just craved it's bed and a moment of silence to be able to calm and rest its weary bones.....I thought I knew tired before this but no I had no idea......

It was in those moments of exhaustion when I had to keep pushing myself to go and keep going, it was in those moments that I realized that I finally understood my mother, my grandmother and every other women that came before me.....we think we are tired now that we hold jobs, take care of families and attempt extra curricular events but let me tell you take away the simplest of things like the ability to quickly shower, or make a quick meal and clean up after yourself and you will learn what tired really is.  The women of those generations that did this and raised children were exhausted! I realize my mother was exhausted.....that was the beginning of the realizations where my mother was concerned.....the most profound of which was when I finally admitted to myself that I had judged her....her ability to mother me, who she was as a mother and as a woman, never fully understanding what she lived through herself.

Hell its no big shock that my life has been hard, it has to be hard, it just is the way it is....don't get me wrong its not a pity party saying my life is hard, not at all its just the reality that my life has held many lessons....many moments of checking in to make sure my ego is not taking over, not leading me down the wrong road....have I always liked those moments? well fuck no! they have sucked but life is what it is, if I had not lived them I would not have fought through and survived it....I wouldn't be who I am, I would not have been constantly reminded to be thankful for the small things in life, the precious moments of growth....but somewhere in all of that and in finding myself evolving and surrounding myself with other "evolved" souls, and my very vocal belief of a non judgement policy it never dawned on me that I myself was holding judgement against the woman that gave me life.....not in the sense of deeming her unfit, evil or anything like that because in truth I had long forgiven and let go of my childhood quite openly and publicly actually, but I had been placing myself in an almost superior place above her, as if I could see what she had done to me, so much that I could "grant" her forgiveness as if it was my right to do so, as a somewhat magnanimous gift I was giving her that in her "ignorance" or "evilness" she could not see when in reality by doing that or feeling that I was placing judgement squarely on her and firmly eroding my chances or ability to move forward......oh what a cycle that has ended up creating.....that I have ended up creating.

I remember the stories of her life, the stories of what it was like to be her in a strange land, amongst the family of a husband who she adored, but whose family didn't approve of her...funny how that goes eh? I started to look through my life and see the correlations, the repeated patterns.....anyone that has ever known me has always known that I can let go and get past almost anything as long as I can understand it, that thought and belief in life lead me to have to understand her and in order to do that I guess you see right I had to live it......moment after heartbreaking moment, judging it all along the way as a somewhat voyeur in a theater of her life, feeling each moment in my own, yes I made different choices along the way......I had more opportunities in life than she had, more education, more love, more time.....difference being I had more.....my children had more than I did and they will in turn give more to my grand children and that is the way it should be.....what I should never have given was more judgement......she gave me what she had to give, again I reiterate I understand I made different choices, they don't make me superior just different and I am happy within that difference.  It is my sincere wish to end this cycle here, I have a new found respect and understanding of how very difficult it was to live that life, and some things can never be unfelt or unseen......

It is about time I relinquish that little bit of ego that was holding on and let it all be what it is and should have always been, my path is one of love, to help others to find it, understand and live it, not to be anymore or any less than anyone else. Let me set the example by starting with me, I am sorry, I release all judgement, you are enough.

 I am.


We are all One.