16 March 2016

The Hardest Job of all ~ Parenting

This year seems to be one moment after another of realizations, release and tears...not all bad ones, some are joyful and the moments of letting go within them are wonderfully fulfilling but still there are many tears....emotions for many are just flinging around madly from one end of the spectrum to another, and with everything that I have read in the last while from many different astrologers 2016 is the year for tears....I have to agree! So far this year I have been driven to the point of anger with Facebook "witches" and I use that title loosely for them, I have felt huge emotional baggage fall off me as I have literally cut away ties and connections that do not serve my greater good, and trust me when I say some of these were people I would have never thought the day would come where we parted company.....I did cut those cords, with authority as my old guy would say. Today's release is parenting.

These are my feelings, perspectives and experiences ~ Parents and families come in all kinds of configurations these days, this is something I highly support and respect. Creating a child is actually the easiest part of it all for most of us, bringing them into the world and raising them is not quite as simple. There may be a million books on how to parent a child out there, some I am sure are very helpful but the truth is each situation, each child even within the same family can be night and day different from each other. My dad used to say on one hand we have five fingers, not one is the same, even though they all belong to the same hand....much like families. In our blended family there are six ....yes sometimes I feel like the little dutch boy with my finger in the dam! let me tell you! I remember thinking when is the day going to come that the "you just don't understand" drama is going to end, when will we be able to sit and discuss things, share ideas, watch their families grow, when can I breathe and not worry about the hurts they will face...the times their hearts will break? Now I look back and think those were the simplest times, the wonderfully loving family times.....the problems then were simple; someone stopped talking to them at school, they were late on their homework and oh no! don't tell dad I like this boy.....there was even the time that our son brought home a karaoke tape of two little girls singing to him, simple problems.....then they grew up,  things became so much more complicated...their problems so huge now, hearts broken, revolving doors of moving home and moving out....issues of huge amounts of money that we had to cover when promises were broken, responsibilities walked away from....just horrible situations with consequences that can never be taken back....all of these moments cut through with moments of extreme joy marriages, grandchildren, Yule's, birthdays....graduations, eyes filled with proud tears....the highs and the lows are so much bigger the older they get, we never stop feeling for our children, biological or not....even though I believe they can never firmly grasp that until they have children of their own....after all neither did we, I fully admit I did not get it either.

Remember your parents they are people too...we are much more than just mom and dad, even though we love those titles, we are still people that have our own feelings, our own needs and even require our own boundaries, yes even from you. There are many aspects to parenting, things that we learn as we go, it is not something that we grow up knowing, or even that our own parents prepared us for.....reality is that as you are reaching for your independence we as your parents are terrified yet realize we have to find a way to let go. This shit is hard for us, but as you so forcefully let us know sometimes, it is your life and we must let you do it your way, this is something though that goes both ways, once we do that you cannot call us in to save the day as your storm troupers either. We support you but we do not fight your battles for you, unless of course there is a very good reason that you are infirm and unable to fight them for yourself.  There are those of you that fly wonderfully, stumble a little here and there and then learn to make it all a part of your dance, this being something we hoped you would get watching us....truth is there is no roadmap to success and there is no sure fire way of doing it all right, just make it part of your dance....we will love you, support you and help when we can. Try not to involve us in your relationship issues as best you can, we are still your parents, our claws come out just like that mama Lion to protect her cub, we don't mean to look at your exes like that but hey we love you, it is sometimes much harder for us to forget the state we saw you in, and once you fill our minds with you having walked through fire, all we can see is the aftermath of the flames...but still we put it aside, stomping on it when we have to and try for you. Those of you that chose to not embrace adulthood, well there is only so far that you can expect us as your parents to prop you up, this has nothing to do with not loving you, not wanting you or even any kind of twisted retribution, child of divorce, evil step parent bullshit you may dream up, we still love you, we just cannot keep fixing your shit, or you learn nothing....you are adults, whether we agree with your decisions or not they are yours to make, the consequence of those decisions good or bad are also yours to deal with...you made your bed...all of us as adults have to learn to take responsibility for our actions, make good decisions and when we don't, well we have to learn to own up to our fuck ups....you do too! As your parents we do not expect perfect kids, no matter what age you are, we expect you to tell us the truth, to try, to be kind, considerate, understanding and respectful.....you have no idea how hard it is to parent until you have your own children....there is no other job on this Earth that can ever explain to you what it feels like to be your parent.....no matter how many kids we have, we do love you all the same, in very different ways.....you complain about having to deal with your parents but for some of us we have to figure out how to deal with you, your siblings, your pets, your friends, your teachers, your bill collectors, your business, your spouses and significant others, your relationships with each other and your extended family and so on and so on.....it is not such a simple thing..this is not a complaint but merely a hey you! try looking at this through our eyes....each time you soar we cheer you on, when you fall we try to help you keep going, when your heart breaks ours breaks with you....we love you, we are your parents, that never changes......no matter what, even when we have to distance ourselves from you, because sometimes no matter how strong we love you we HAVE to let you learn on your own and fall if you must....yes even then it is because we love you that we pull away...and trust me when I say, never in our wildest dreams did we ever wish to have to do it....parenting is really the hardest job of all, and one that even doing the right thing can still leave you feeling empty inside when tough love happens....its not easy and no it does not come with a manual, it is hit and miss and we do the best we can whether you believe it or not.....all of these realizations come with maturity, we hold hope that you will get this basic truth someday.

Normally people say walk a mile in my shoes, to really get this I tell you to walk a lifetime in mine...until you have live your life well, respect your parents, never forget to tell them you love them, you never know when you won't be able to anymore and that is a whole other can of worms you really do not want to dig yourself out of....something I learnt the hard way myself....when I speak it is from experience, I try to keep my yap shut on things that I have not lived myself.

I leave us all with this; there is another Eclipse coming on the 23rd, a Full Lunar Eclipse, prepare for more release, and since this is the year of tears, make them worth it, let them wash away all the dirt, sand and dust from the past that has hung on, start fresh, move on and be you....be gloriously you...live your magic, ride your wave and may the Gods bless you all! life is short make the most of it!

15 March 2016

The Last moments of Winter

The rain has been falling for a few days now and will go on for a few more, the spring is trying very hard to wash away the debris of winter. Preparing the ground for the beauty that is about to start to push its way through, I cannot wait to get my fingers in the soil and start to feel that connection that I am always so thankful for. Mother Earth always has the energies I need to keep me well grounded, I can walk barefoot in the snow and still not feel the same as I do when I feel my bare feet in the soil of my garden. Gods I miss that! it might be the one single act that can break me out of this very grey mood that I am in.....I get this way when the world around me is brown, grey and muddy.....the one part of the year that I really can say I dislike is the transition from winter to spring, there is no solace I can find or joy that I can tap.....it is always a time of contemplation for me, the dawning of a new spring on the horizon means I have to look at all that I leave behind in this rebirth.....for me the whole cycle ends here, not at Samhain, the winter means for me that the cycle of death is simply beginning and it continues until this moment here, this time just before the wheel turns, this is the completion of the entire cycle of the year for me......maybe it is an ancestral rhythm in me, something my soul can no longer communicate to me the whys or where fors but yet makes me feel it each year, it is the one thing that makes sense to me on a core level....I know I am different and I am ok with that, I celebrate that actually...as you should celebrate your differences as well.

This last year saw great changes within our life, most of which I have hashed out to death already, but the very personal ones I kept to myself.....back in this place my weight ballooned again, and my body broke down a little more, I fear missing the sea salt air that seemed to do so much good for me. That alongwith the accidental longterm gluten exposure has caused major issues, its like starting at the beginning all over again....back to being able to only walk in short distances, keeping fit is not something I can even consider at the moment, simply being mobile is hard but yet I do it...the pain in my back from being swollen is unbelievable, but yet I appear to be at a minimum 7 to 8 months pregnant, which of course I am not and now have been carrying this as for about 10 months, not gradually getting larger as someone who is pregnant, no mine was within a month that it became this and has stayed this, some days are better than others, and I go like someone released from prison on those days soaking in the freedom of movement and expression....others well they become great snuggle days and try not to move too much. Then of course we have the shingles that have been hanging around for a bit, the extreme stress of our lives has never failed to bring me such wonderful gifts ~ definite eye roll ~ and I cannot forget all the little things that make my life so much harder that others take for granted, they will remain fodder for another post when I feel much stronger about releasing them. For now just a little note to all those that look at people that look like me, be kind with your thoughts and your words you have no idea why someone may be in the state they are, it does not just come down to what we eat, if that were true then I would not have this issue living with a gluten free organic and 50%  raw diet, while removing all refined sugars completely. Be careful with your judgemental thoughts as my empathic heart hears them all. It is sad that the harshest judgements cast at me come because of my weight, health, skin tone, and spirituality, all of which I cannot change.....some humans just suck that way though.

The bright spot in today? what makes me sit here and write this and feel my actual spirits lifting as I do? well by my reasoning this means that this current cycle of ugliness, pain and hardship should be coming to an end, regrowth and rebirth just around the corner. This is a good thing and is enough to illicit almost little girl squeals of delight from my old body. As I have sat here writing the weather has cleared slightly and the trees are gleaming brightly with their green limbs, rather than stooping over under the weight of all the water that has fallen in the last few days. The skies are clearer and a walk may actually become possible today down to the river, to see Oshun.... a walk to discuss with Oya my path ahead.......a moment with Hecate at the crossroad, maybe a little offering as well....then back home to the sea water on my altar and a moment of sharing with Yemaya. Along the way I am sure the little witch and I will find some time to hug the huge trees that line our road, he keeps trying but can never quite make it with his arms all the way around, even dad cannot do that but he keeps trying...my little hero.

I am sure when I get out there I won't be able to go far, but I will go nonetheless and be proud of myself for the few steps of freedom today, and will plan for more of them tomorrow.....May the Gods light all our ways forward.

05 March 2016

Dark Moons, Eclipses and Money

I realized that I really dislike money, which is a very well disturbing thing as it is needed in our everyday lives. I can romanticise poverty all I want to make the bitter pill easier to swallow but the truth is it fucken sucks...we tell ourselves so many things to make it easier to cope with, uplifting messages, memes and spiritual practices but at the end of the day an empty fridge or a bill for much needed heat is a reality that won't be satisfied with words meant to give strength. The hard truth is money is much needed if we wish to live without the constant stress of how to make the bank account cover the month, rather than too much month at the end of the money, and no this by no means is an indication that I do not have faith in my magic ~ just by the sheer reality that we have been able to survive with my sales as income is testament to the fact that I fully believe in magic and especially that which I conjure and create, my faith is unshakable, thank the Gods. Money though was not made by the Gods was it.....

This last few months have been interesting for us, such stark contrasts when it came to money....my clientele and magical family making it easier for me to breathe and put much needed food in the house, heat and of course the essentials of everyday life...so thankful for my sales from the shop as without them we would be totally sunk! that was the good part of the last two months but for my old guy it has been a total different experience, having finished a job in December he has fought from that point in time to get paid, with a pittance coming in early January and nothing since. While the customer requested more and more work done, something of course that he could not do without his bill being paid. These situations never end well, and I am always so thankful that in my own business I do NOT have these issues! His situation came to a head when he refused to do anymore until the bill was paid in full, he commiserated with the client about his bills, but reality is we can't pay ours with buttons, and he told him that his wife ~me~ was very upset about this....his customer had the nerve to tell him that all I cared about was money, calling me greedy! I am the hubby's office manager/customer service manager all fancy titles for I deal with the paperwork and pricing and he does the work. While I wanted to turn him into a toad with warts then and there I refrained and sat on my magical fingers and kept the monkeys at bay. Then of course I went through all the feelings of indignation, anger and all that jazz about what this person that means nothing to me thinks of me....because he recieved a service, benefited from that service, and we want to be paid for it in full this is greed? Obviously I know this is not the case and he is simply causing conflict to try to get away from paying a bill, still it bothered me that money again was at the root of such a bad situation.....it reinforced my dislike of money, feeling judged by my request to have a bill paid.

This made me go inside and really look at what my issues with it are, it has always represented conflict of some sort, in my early life with my parents, with extended family it created divides that even though it was a generation ago it still carries through to mine....I saw it rip apart my family in more ways than one. I also saw those that were innocent carry the heavy burden of rebuilding while the ones that were actually greedy walked away with no responsibility. These were early childhood lessons.....I know I work for myself because I watched my father work for himself for years....his way always..... he worked hard but he never gave up, so when I feel like I am going to I remember him and I gain the strength I need to keep going. In my first marriage money was something that caused huge divides, in the beginning there was tons of it, I used it quite liberally to cover up the emptiness that I carried....totally shut off from anything spiritual and a deck of cards that I kept hidden in a drawer, my soul was dying so I bought stuff...not particularly important stuff but just stuff.....I had my nails done, the perfect outfits with matching shoes, and I hated myself and with every dollar I spent I hated myself even more.....I walked away from all that after years of abuse....I have worked on myself, been honest with myself and taken stock of where I was and where I never wanted to be again, the road to healing was there ahead and I took it...but my dislike of money was only reinforced when it became a reality to be a single mom with 3 kids....yes my parents helped but for those that know the truth they helped more with one child I had 3 and a whole life of my own.....then I met my old guy and between us we did the best we could for our combined family of 6 kids....some don't think so but hell they are still young we will see how they feel when they are a little more seasoned by life.....I love my family, my kids, our life together and all that I have lived since the day I decided to stop dying inside and chose life....none of this though helped my dislike of money, I simply traded a more comfortable life with it for a harder existence that nourished my soul rather than lined my bank account...but in everything even money balance is needed and well that I still have not achieved, and that of course is down to me.

Money has always been used as a tool against me in some form or another, either because I had it and someone wanted it, even though they didn't have to take it as I shared liberally they most times still did it underhanded OR I needed it they had it and wouldn't help....no matter how I cut it I have had more bad feelings connected to money than good ones...pain, heartache, discord, jealousy and even destruction of a family from the inside out.....more I thought of it more I realized that this dislike pushed me into poverty.....circumstances helped of course, my health sucks, work dried up and we have moved cross country twice in 5 years....once going to all we had left and another going back to try to rebuild a life outside of poverty.....greedy? no...realistic yes, patient yes, clear yes, but greedy no...there is nothing greedy about wanting to be paid for services rendered...there is nothing greedy about not wanting to live on your knees either....my relationship with money though now will have to change, thankfully his words made me evaluate and search my soul about it, reaffirming my positive feelings about it will be the order of business for me....we will survive his underhandedness, my little shop will keep going and putting food where it needs to be and the lights will stay on, I won't give up and I won't let the words of a spiteful deadbeat bother me too much, it was those words that made me consider my issues with money.....

As I wrote this I came to my largest realization of all, I do not have this issue when it comes to money and the services I provide or the creations that I birth through Witch's Chamber....I feel rather loved, supported and respected within my magical life and that extends to money as well...now to make that relationship seep into the other more mundane aspects of my life....and once again it is down to magic to heal another side of me....the Dark Moon cometh, the Solar Eclipse to follow on the New Moon...the time of release and change is upon us, I will be releasing these feelings of lack, pain, and the shame of poverty and money behind me....what will you be releasing at the Dark Moon and Solar Eclipse?