24 January 2016

With Full Moon comes Full Release

Even as a kid I knew the best way to deal with a band aid was to rip it right off, even though sometimes you are almost afraid of showing the wound underneath sometimes they need air, need to be exposed so that they can heal properly. This is such the same as my health, I let people in a bit at a time and I share what it is like to live like me, but many times all I show is the edges around that band aid that remains firmly in place, forever hiding the wound. Today things have changed, both physically and emotionally all wounds need to be exposed, examined and cleared so that there can be continued growth. 

I have spent some time looking at these wounds, and have dug down deep into the layers of me right to the core and I am not surprised to see that at the root of it all is the deepest fear of never being enough. Never good enough, smart enough, thin enough, beautiful enough or anything enough. These fears started as a child when I struggled to please those around me always feeling that I fell just short of what was needed, and later reinforced in my relationships with men, where one after another they cheated on me and drove home the point of never being enough. It has been the largest hurt in my life to have felt that way for so many years, it truly coloured every moment of my life, and every decision for many years. Is it possible that I have been carrying this around with me for many lifetimes? that I have agreed to carry this into all my other lifetimes because of a feeling of guilt in one? sometimes I almost can see those connections as they materialise in my dreams and I experience one or another of those relationships that I can almost remember fully in the moments before the Sun rises. Today I release all those agreements, those feelings and the guilt of having let others down in this life and others....I have told my kids for years that guilt is such a useless emotion, it holds you back and keeps you from seeing clearly what you need in life and what you don't.....turn guilt into a lesson learned and move along trying your best not to hurt yourself or others along the way, and that is what I am doing today. I release all of this and ask my Gods and guides for healing. I renounce all my fears of success, of letting others see me for who I am. I accept my light and allow others to see it. 

My health has suffered for years because of all this I have held in, some will never be better, I will always have issues with my digestion, unable to sit up to eat to a certain degree....I will forever have a very limited diet as to what I can and can't eat......I will never live without pain in one form or another due to damage and degradation of joints....I will forever live in pain...I will battle mental health issues with panic....these are all simple realities for me, but I will continue to keep fighting back and getting up daily...moving forward and not giving up....I think it is the one thing in life that I have never figured out how to do yet, lay down and die.....one foot in front of the other, trudging through it all I will keep going. I write this today just because I feel it is time to admit to all I live through, the limitations, the mental health side of it all and the physical realities I deal with daily. Some would think that after all of that you would think that I spend most days in bed, and I probably should but I don't, daily I get up I create, I clean, I teach my little man in our little homeschool environment, I cook, I go to my moms every other day at a minimum to take her out to town, I care for my husband's needs and then ultimately I socialize with all of those on my Facebook page and my personal page....this makes up my days and nights. I take heat for my online life, and the amount of time I put into my page and my little business on Etsy, not from those that live with me actually but from some of my detractors online, and there are many....other witch pages that I have refused to play nice with for the sake of networking my wares, that will once again wage war on me for mentioning it, even though that are those on my page that are well aware of these tactics as they have faced them themselves with me....I carry the weight of my world literally on my shoulders but I keep trudging on. and I always will.....I release all of that as well.....May the Gods relieve me of the buckling weight of the judgments of mortals. 

So much release for me with this Full Moon, some might think it is not the right time at this stage of the Moon but for me it is perfect timing....the healing I require is so grand and over the top that only a Full Moon release could do it for me I feel and so that would be why someone was guided to me to start working on me from a distance with intuitive healing to help me to see all of this. On one of those days where I did a card drawing on the page I was sent a message that changed so many things for me, Dawn is a wonderful healer with magical energy, she has done so much for me in the two treatments she has given me that I was able to share all of this without the normal panic that would set in to let others see the reality of my life, if you have not had the pleasure to make the acquaintance of her page please check it out on Facebook, Good Vibrations - A New Dawn, she is wonderful! I will gladly be accepting any more healing she is willing to send my way, keeping in mind that the visitors she had because of working on me demanded cake and carnations, a truly magical experience for me. 

Blessings all, I hope you too are feeling relieved, refreshed and released from old burdens, bindings and beliefs that no longer served by the majesty of this Full Wolf Moon. 

much love


18 January 2016

Acceptance, Love and my Shadow

There are moments in life that change our perception of all that is around us, all that is in us and all that remains for us in the years to come. In every persons life comes a moment that we realize that all those dreams we had as a child have now passed, things have changed and there may not be as many years left to experience all the things we have forgotten we wanted to do, our so called bucket list. There are books, movies, discussion groups and all other avenues of support for this moment but yet when it comes it is a very personal moment, one not many of us share, one that pulls us within ourselves and makes us take a hard look at our lives, each and every minute of it, good, bad and ugly. I have been doing that it appears for a long time now, the last year has been one of such transition and change both geographically and emotionally that it is very hard not to see things through different eyes, in fact every time I turn around there is a new realization, in fact my sister April asked the other day if that was what was going on with me and I had to admit that yes, just like an onion I had found more layers to myself as I started to peel back all that I thought I knew, there was more, lots more that I had shelved and refused to admit or see, that shadow forever lurking.

As I started this process some years ago of looking and being honest about myself I was afraid of looking too deeply, admitting too much and letting others in ~ that is the worst part for me, but I did it....I opened the blinds looked in and admitted that I have a very dark shadow side, for many years I felt more comfortable in that space because it meant I did not have to let anyone in to know the true state of my life. I did not always make the best choices, I didn't always do the right thing for me or others, and yes I did some crappy things at times, like most others that have a chapter in their lives they don't discuss or admit to, for me that does not work...I cannot heal, move forward and grow without admitting where I feel that I could have done more, been more or wanted better for me and others. yes I can be pretty hard on myself and that was one of the things I had to learn to stop doing.....afterall if I could not love myself how could I expect anyone else to love me? Now as I approach my Crone years I see much clearer that all I am is a product of all I have lived through.....whether I handled the situations I lived in the best ways or not it all pushed me to become who I am now......I did not like myself then.....but I love myself now. It saddens me that it took me so long to accept and love myself, I have missed out on so many years of love and kindness that I could have given myself, improved so much for my life but I could not see how important that was....and I have also come to realize that if I am not vigilant in my love of self now that I will allow others to tamper with that, skew my perceptions of who I am and what value, qualities and energy I bring to the table of life. Being Pagan was something that when I was much more naive I thought meant that everyone you meet is so great, honest and straightforward because well they are Pagan, NOT TRUE! people are people no matter what path they follow or God or Goddess they call to, they are people, some who understand their shadow sides and others that hide from them for a variety of reasons.....some for the same reasons as me, lacking in self love, self acceptance, self realization and overall lack of SELF knowledge leads us to make very bad decisions and walk harder paths.....that has been my life, and I am ok with that....but I admit I am damaged, I have panic issues, depression and I seem to search out those that will inevitably prove to me that in their eyes my worth is tied to how much money I have or can provide them......that is not the truth, that is simply their perception of what is important to them.

Poverty may be a hard mistress, but people are worse.......I chose this life for myself, it hasn't been easy, it has been downright heartbreaking at times but yet it is a beautiful life I have built, filled with magic, love and moments that have taken my breath away....I have come to understand that prosperity means different things to each of us, my magic craved the love, the people connection and the beauty of a family....I have that so in many ways I am a very successful witch as I have managed to create the life I dreamed of as a child, it's not perfect but it is mine......I have more growth to live through and embrace, some will be hard, some will be liberating and wonderful......and such is life, the years of my youth are gone but the truth of the Crone burns bright in me and won't be silenced as I embrace that child in my heart that was so damaged by this world, I will be gentle with myself and I will keep trudging at times on my path and at others skipping happily along as if the years had not passed at all....happily bending my wire as it helps me to focus and see things much more clearly around me, every bend a new meditation and realization......me and my damaged soul will keep growing......keep loving and nurturing my heart and the heart of those that are in my life, striving to be better than I was yesterday but realizing that I am no better than anyone else walking this path.....giving of myself to those that cross my path in honesty, sincerity and love.

Yes I am damaged but I am ok with that.......are you?

Blessings to you all!