Life has sucked at times, not to put down the word suck because there are times that sucking can be so good! but this time instead of sucking honeysuckle flowers it has sucked sour grapes, and that I am not into. There was a time that I would look at all that bad stuff and think well as long as I never set my heart up for breaking by expecting the best then I will never be hurt or disappointed when the best doesn't happen.....should work right? nope! that was the worst thing I did! My heart is just not built that way, as I have come to realize there is a little bit of me that always looks at the best first, even when it is a bad situation I find the good in it, so that means for all those years I lived conflicted in those thoughts, how did I figure it out for myself? simple! I put everyone else's needs first, not just my kids, or my family but everyone! I became not important, non existent and the last person I thought of in any matter.....I made myself a second class citizen. Not such an original tale is it? us women we do this to ourselves a ton! we put our parents first as we grow, our partners first when we are older, then come kids and they come first, our jobs, our friends and on and on, we prioritise ourselves right out of the whole entire picture and then one day we wake up and suddenly we see that we are lost......that was me when my father passed.....suddenly that rock solid plateau I could always rest on when I tried to clear some of my patterns and reached for growth was gone....I relied on that rock for so long I lost my balance and freefell, open for all kinds of manipulation from all sorts of people, all I wanted to do was quietly lick my wounds, hibernate, disappear.....anything but center stage where I was suddenly put.
Then the vultures came out, once again let me be clear I love vultures in the wild but when people take on the attributes of vultures well they are not so damn attractive are they? They attacked every part of me, there was nothing off limits. My health was used to be something that somehow was my fault, my weakness and the way that I let my family down, the fact that I collapsed from overwork and went into a full SLE episode, had to have surgery to remove lumps from my breast, could barely walk or function outside of my home, I was now scum and not worth the time to talk to. It was a time of pointing out where in my life I had failed to live up to expectations, my protector gone I became free game, and I hung my head in shame, lost in a world of grief and pain. My saving grace was that thankfully I had already started my online world, my shop, my page and my gallery, it was my place to hide away from a world filled with pain, for which I took further heat....the whole thing about hiding behind a computer screen, well yea that is not me....I am who I am either online or live. Of course I met many that I love dearly and love me but hell there is a shitload of well what I have come to call plastics or plastic witches out there ~ there is that shit stirring of the cauldron again!~ So what did I do? well at first I buckled and let them ride over me, but then as the pressure in my personal life continued and my outlet was being ruled by pompous asses, I rose up and took back my presence, my life and who I am even online.....man what a bitch that made me to soooooo many people! both online and live!
I don't say much in my status' about it anymore but in truth they attack my page, me, and my shop all the time. They spread gossip and lies about things they don't know, tell people my products are not made by me, post about my cheap wire, oh let's not forget how they measure me on their witch scales to decide how truthfully witchy I am or not....hell I have even heard about how they decide and measure what they consider to be my failures in my life to decide how strong MY magic is. REALLY? yes really.......there is nothing that is ever hidden in the online world for long, people talk. These are the reasons I am so choosy about who I associate with, I do not share anyone on Witch's Chamber that I do not believe in, that I do not like their product or their energy, and trust me when I tell you I take flack for that. There are those that do not like this, those that have tried to control what I do on my own page, through threats of hurting the page, spreading more vileness or even have openly started stupid ass witch wars that I refuse to participate in. I REFUSE to be coerced into supporting anyone I do not believe in simply for MORE exposure! you either like me and my art or not! I will not pretend to be more than I am and will most certainly NOT pretend to be LESS! Most people who walk in our community know that these things happen, they realize that someone is always trying to gain the upper hand by underhanded methods, magic is a wonderful thing but it is an energy that will work in the way the practitioner asks of it, and trust me not all you meet work with it in a positive manner that benefits all those they touch, for that matter I am also a witch that will work freely both in the light and for lack of a better word dark, in balance, always in balance.
My life is hard enough with all the challenges I face daily I have no time, patience or desire to deal with all the bullshit that comes associated with these plastics. Today marks a year for me of standing up and reclaiming my independence and my strength, it marks a year of telling myself that I am better than that and I deserve better. I have worked hard all year and run into more of the plastics from which I ran away from very quickly! they are still out there but my antennae are finally back fully in line and working so I listen to my messengers much better now. I live authentically within my magic and mundane life and combine the two without division. My magic is who I am, it lives and breathes with me and provides my faith for the life I am building, the dreams I have for my little business is that it will become easier to care for my family with my sales, my book that I am still working on, taking my art much further with wire and gems, my point being I have dreams and I finally ~even without that plateau my dad provided~ I am finally able to put in the time and dedication that I needed to all these years to being me, living authentically and magically.......I am able to do that because I finally realize that it was probably the most important thing I could have done for myself my entire life.
I am able to do this not because I have had some amazing windfall, the money came through or I suddenly have no other obligations that I CAN put first, no all of those things remain the same, money is non existent! especially this week after home repairs!, I still have 6 kids to think of and one full time to care for, I still have a husband that requires time and caring especially now that he is semi retired, all those obligations and responsibilities that I love are still present BUT now I realize that unless I do that for myself I can never truly be happy within......
I guess I can say I found the happy spot inside of me, and it was ME all along! Imagine that!
Onwards and Upwards!