I am many things, witch, daughter, wife, mother, mom (which you might think is mother but mom is distinctly different than mother), and avó (grandmother in Portuguese), yes I am all these labels and then I am me....but I am so much more than the labels, I am so much more than what I am to all those that look to me, but that gets lost, in the day to day, in the taking care of others and doing what needs doing......me I get lost.......as I know so many of us do...for me the last year and a bit have been a long haul, some of the longest times of my life with the treatment of Late Stage Lyme, I will treat for the rest of my life....I know this....I am ok with this....the alternative is let it run rampant and my life becomes significantly shorter....that I am not ok with.
All of us have our struggles, agreed? I thought that the worst thing I would have to deal with was the Lyme treatment then in early March my mother fell down the back steps, it was a hugely traumatic and painful thing for her, and me and my little guy who saw her in that state, she looked like the Elephant Man, face swollen, black eyes starting and totally disoriented, it was terrifying...it's no secret to anyone that knows me or her that we have had a difficult relationship at times through the years, sometimes due to her stuff sometimes mine, but regardless she's my mom and it was terrifying to see her that way, and it brought back flashbacks of when my dad passed first in my arms and then in the ambulance, while was I sitting in there with him.....my mother in law passing of cancer in April as well did not help the feelings of loss, more parents dying, more hard moments......not good times! The fall meant a rush to the hospital, a worried experience to have them not do any kind of tests, just talk to her decide she is fine and send her home.....she is 75 this year....her dizzy spells continued after this....almost 3 months later, after tests, another hospital visit when she thought she was having a stoke, it STILL took me getting upset that no one would listen to her, asking direct questions about accountability in the event that something happens to her before they address the issue, that she in her own right has now isolated to be a medication issue, only to have it ignored and questions about her needing her home assessed for safety since she is so dizzy....drop her dose on her meds and that will stop it....ignored again......thankfully after the abysmal appointment with her practitioner, her cardiologist understood and issued a new script, a lower dose, the next day no more head spins....she is a new woman, she is happy and smiling and enjoying the outdoors, she is no longer confused, upset and confined to one area because she is afraid to fall down the stairs....no joke there, we literally walked with her down the steps and up to make sure that she was ok.....of course this was not a well received experience by her Nurse Practitioner.....they feel I was "threatening and inappropriate" .....well fuck me! I find it highly threatening and inappropriate to risk my mother's life....I racked my brain wondering did I swear? um no....I know I must have yelled? um nope didn't do that either......did I cut her off mid sentence? um yes when she ignored what my mother was trying to tell her.....I was clear, direct and concise, we were not a tea party, this has been going on for near 3 months! the time for idle chat and theories was pretty much gone.....
I am not going to lie, this really upset me, that in advocating for my mother's health, translating for her because although she can speak the language it can get complicated with health questions so it helps at times, in doing that and asking who is to be held accountable since no one will listen is threatening then yep I am totally guilty......do I regret it? well, let's see in true Libra fashion.......on one hand another person thinks I am an ogre, the evil witch that lives in this little town and curses people....and on the other, my mom is feeling so much better and is enjoying her quality of life......no I don't regret it, I regret that it had to come to that before the situation was handled, I regret that it took so long to sort out, and I ultimately regret that we live in a town with such limited options for health care and I really regret that Lyme disease and diabetes makes it so I can't really drive long distances anymore or I would take her to a doctor in the city....but I do not regret caring enough, and knowing enough that it needed to be handled not put off for another week or two...I am more disappointed in a health care center that although I stopped being their patient years ago knew me, my health issues, my family and yet they completely failed us, there was judgement and disregard really....there was no understanding of the trauma of one parental death, the grief we were currently dealing with, or the experience of a child with Aspergers seeing his grandmother in this state, or even the thought that this was making my mother feel like a prisoner in her mind and in her home, there was no thought other than the fact that they were offended, was it because we were right? because we spoke another language? or was it some other ego soaked, patriarchal bullshit? I am sure I will never truly know what it was.......but it will still sadden me, it disappoints me in women who can't deal with strong women, instead of elevating; they denigrate. We have come so far but yet the dinosaurs walk amongst us.....no offence to dinosaurs!
I wish we could see a shift in things, especially in the way women see women....when you see a woman advocating for someone or asserting her rights stand with her...don't try to pick her apart, don't join the chorus that tells her when she does this; she is somehow being loud, inappropriate, threatening, shrill, out of control, hysterical and on and on and on.....when a man does this he is seen as strong, exciting, brave, righteous, a hero really....but it is not the same for women, this is not acceptable, and it is even more unacceptable in my eyes when it comes from other women....call me crazy but I kinda think standing together is the only way we improve the life of women AND men around the globe.....one corner of the world at a time, because truthfully patriarchy helps no one....can you imagine the difference we could all make? till that happens being "threatening and inappropriate" is what those of us that do stand up will be considered, because of course the fact that we have vaginas, are articulate and strong, will threaten and offend....sad isn't it?
well in true Libra fashion, my last thought is at least it busted the crap out of whatever was stuck in my craw and I wrote again!
