The Sting of Betrayal

How do you ever come back from betrayal?

Even now as I sit and start to write this entry, the backspace key becomes my best friend.  Write a line, erase it, start again and it repeats.  Yes I have been betrayed, it is nothing new it has been the path of my life. One after another, each one for different reasons so they state but the reality is the energy, the pain, anger, humiliation and eventual acceptance and moving on are all the same.  My story is not so different from others that I have listened to or observed over the years, with me it is only more difficult because I always know it is coming, and yet I charge ahead anyway, for some reason there is a part of me that won`t walk away until the other person has done it completely.  I have been struggling with this realization and why I do this for some time, part of me wondered if I was acting like the rubber neckers on the highways that can`t seem to stop looking at that train wreck on the other side until they actually crash into someone else or if there was a larger reason that I allow this behaviour to continue.  You may think that statement of "I allow" is a bit grand or over the top like I have some control over this but yes ultimately I do, and yet I don't change and I keep going and allowing it over and over, why?

Am I just one of those people that enjoys being hurt? well no, I can honestly tell you that I do not enjoy being hurt, feeling like my heart has been ripped out and stomped on is not one of my things to aspire to, but yet I probably face it more than anyone I know, and most times in almost virtual silence.  Part of me thinks I learn something from each incident, promising myself that next time I won't let one of "those" types in again, but then well it happens again.  This last time was particularly difficult and enlightening at the same time, it came about in the same way, someone that on the surface appears honest, strong, believable and in the end showed the same cracks in their foundation leading to the ultimate moment of betrayal, the difference this time was my reaction.  I didn't dwell on the actual situation or the person for that matter, it really was different.....that lack of reaction actually alarmed me.  I started to wonder if I had somehow reached a point of climitization of a sort, a very strange term in this kind of situation but yet it makes sense in my mother tongue.....that scared me, had I finally reached the point where my heart could not feel the loss of another person in my life and was I now facing an odd kind of coldness in it's place? this is the question I have been grappling with for the last month.

I had to look deep, be honest with myself, and admit yes a part of me had reached a level of acceptance in this path of mine, I will run into many that will betray me, it is not really my karma or whatever else you want to call it, it is theirs.......after all these years and the constant hardships and realities I have faced I have learnt to stand strong no matter what, I do not feel ashamed of this, I know they come into my life, I know I give loyalty, friendship and honesty and I know also that their own ability to either face that in themselves or run from their own reflection will be their deciding factor in their crossroads with me, betrayal or loyalty......  Believe it or not with me there is always hope after betrayal, some of my closest relationships have endured and been strengthened by the ensuing healing, but that is something that both parties must be willing to participate openly and honestly in......not a task for the weak hearted......call me whatever you want for knowing this simple truth about myself and part of my purpose here on this earth, judge me if you will, those that get close enough and pass the test know the truth....in the end with me it always ends the same way either you show the beauty that radiates from within or you walk off holding onto your shadow tighter than you did when you met me....go in love, one day you will walk my path, one day you will feel the weight of responsibility on your own chest, I pray for you now and then......

This was my let go moment, my truth, my release.......I will deal more with betrayal at different levels of relationship but for now this is enough......Blessed Friday the 13th for allowing this release in me....Blessings to the Divine energy that flows through me and in all of us....and Blessings to you for reading this and being a part of my life.....Blessed Be.