When I was a child, years ago, like everyone else I learnt my lessons, it has come to my attention that I learnt them so well they have embedded themselves into every aspect of my relationship life....my relationships with friends, with lovers and even with my own self. This lesson involved abandonment, abuse, neglect, anger, envy and has plagued every moment of my adult life. This lesson was about abundance, money, luxuries and necessities. Now a little while back I asked for the hidden to be seen, little did I know when I asked that the blinders would be ripped off so cleanly that I would be able to see myself so clearly as well, it has been such an enlightening experience to see my own motives reasons and even my own shadows. My largest and most sinister shadow ~ money, abundance, wealth.
This goes far, deep back into the mind of the little girl, there she is, an only child very alone, I had a great longing for friendship and for love, my father my only friend for as long as I could remember had to work at times day and night, for me as a child I saw there was always money around, always the fridge was stocked, we really didn't want for much it seemed to me as a child, except that I missed my father. I felt abandoned, alone, like I could melt into the ground and no one would miss me....they wouldn't even notice I was gone, so I learnt to do just that, shelter, go deep, melt into the walls almost so that I am there and I can see you but you can't see me unless I want you to....I didn't do this to separate myself, I did this to protect myself, to go deep in leaves little room for hurt to find its way through all those layers. The other side of that whole time is that for me that abundance he was creating by his absence meant that there was more abuse, anger and envy.....there were also horrible arguments I watched as a child, always the end result of the money.....never really explained to me what part of the money just that it was due to money.....so I would pull away, go deep in my shell and watch and wait for it all to go wrong again.
It has been a vicious cycle that I have replayed in each of my adult love relationships, worked so hard to get something to the brink of greatness, a future a way forward with some security and I have always pulled away, stopped it shrunk back into myself and blamed something else.....being a witch truthfully its not that hard to manifest the simplest things into large things that make everything go wrong....yes I am admitting that I have drawn to myself all the bad things that have happened to me, every bit of misery in the financial and abundance department of my life has been my fault. Based on my fears and my false perceptions of a child looking at a deeply dysfunctional relationship and finding it sound, of course their arguments weren't always about the lack of money or the having of money, as an adult, mother and wife now I understand that they argued about many things.....I know now the abundance we had was because my father gave of himself completely to the family, because he didn't do boys night or parties, but he worked that way because he had to.....it doesn't change the fact that as a little girl I felt abandoned, and I was abused in those periods, this was later replayed in my relationship with my first husband. Just like my childhood in the moments of the lack of money it seemed the bonds were stronger, we spent more time together, we talked more....we dreamt more together of a future that was bright with our children......there was no money, no distraction only me....was this healthy? hell no! back then it was what we both knew, I wanted freedom on my own terms he wanted mommy. We were together so long because we were young and stupid, we had money; we spent every last bit of it, we lived like we had not lived before.......but the love it slowly died, there were distractions, and things to do that didn't involve each other, friends that pulled us away from each other.....the money flowed the abundance was wonderful.....there were periods in that relationship that were beautiful and kind and precious, they were when things were low; funds, me physically and emotionally exhausted, in those moments him without his distractions me I found that loving place........it all went to reinforcing the abundance brings abandonment and abuse with it.......when that relationship ended I left with nothing except my disgust of money.
My next relationship brings me to my husband, and yes that lesson has been reinforced in this relationship as well......first a glimpse into how the strands have connected for me to see so clearly into this aspect of myself....while preparing for a bath yesterday a section of a comment made by a wonderful sister of mine came to mind and before I could think much of it I could feel the vision of her and I sitting on a patio with golden stone and much greenery....she was asking me why I held back my own abundance, what is it that I found so offensive about money that I self sabotage myself each moment that I should be growing forward on....well at first truthfully I um well I tried to evade her question and told her it wasn't possible that I was doing this to myself, it must be some curse on me, that's it it's a curse from my mother! well she raised an eyebrow at me and yes well with a few words it all hit me, wave after wave of connections, all of a sudden I could see each strand that connected one relationship to the other, the moments that the lesson began in each of them again, along with the exact moment that I chose not to see the pattern......yes I am the cause of my own issues with money......I have allowed my energy to repulse it, shove it away, send it elsewhere because with it comes heartache, pain, misery and loneliness.....I have been my own worst enemy in this fight......and yes even in this relationship this lesson was reinforced, in a different way but well that is for the book.......
I wrestled with this revelation all night, old conversations and the moments the blocks were placed in the way of that energy flow suddenly so evident to me......I knew and know this is something I need to let go of, the relationships that did not survive the moments of abundance died because they were fundamentally toxic, hurtful and just not for me........not because of the money itself but the people involved.....this still left me back at the hardest thing for me to do ever! admitting that yes I want that abundance, yes I want to experience it this time with no fears of it destroying what we have....
Yes I want to release myself and my family from the agonies of poverty once and for all, yes I realize this makes me vulnerable, yes I do realize the book makes me vulnerable to the extreme......yes I am ready for that, the key for me is that this is no longer just about me.....I am not that little girl anymore, and the eyes well now they see across generational patterns rather than just my own......that makes me strong......
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