Moments, Irony and stuff.....

Things have been a bit crazy lately, taken over by creation, taken over by the past and some other things that I have been juggling, the blog has suffered a bit and I have not been here to write....I have had lots of ideas! things I wanted to discuss and go through but alas the call of the wire pulled me stronger than the pull of the almighty keyboard in place of a pen....

Since I so openly share parts of me this is a difficult one to write, you see this story is not just about me, it is about someone else that was and well is very significant in my life and always will be, but I am not going to write about this person....I am simply going to write about me, the anger, hurt, destruction and pain that I rained down on them, and yes I did.  I am not looking to remove my own guilt in this, nor am I looking to justify any of my own acts, I am simply owning my own bullshit...yes I had physical illness related issues that caused some of this but in truth I did this, I had ultimate control over my actions, I could have stopped long enough to do what I do now, but I didn't....I hurt and did it intentionally.....ground under the heel of my stiletto at the time.......

I was not always this person that I am now, I was not always this person that chose love instead of hurt, that chose to grow instead of stagnate....no I was a woman more preoccupied with what others thought, with how I looked and if I had the current fashion to wear or not....the best jewelry, the nicest clothes, and always long perfectly manicured nails....a day didn't go by that I didn't wear makeup, complete face not just a bit here and there, no it was a daily ritual....I did not start off that way, no at the beginning I was more like I am now, except I saw the world through different eyes then, the eyes of a child in a very adult world.....then I lost myself in the trappings, the crap literally.....I was fake, I still tried to be a good person but although I like to think I was I can see now looking back that that was not always the case......I had my shining moments too, I wasn't a troll or anything but I could have definitely done better.....it is amazing what hardship can help you see.....I am of course talking about a life I lived almost 2 decades ago....that carried into my new life, that poisoned parts of it, kept other parts of me hidden, and kept me mainly hidden in the shadows....each time I tentatively would peek out ready to ok I can do this I can be me openly, well someone would come along and at the slightest inkling of trouble I would shrink away, hide, disappear because well yes I had something to hide......my guilt, my shame....in the years since I have probably taken a whole lot more pain, punishment and crap simply because I felt I deserved it......right?.....wrong!  That was me....

I have been fractured for so long, like one person that is in two places, still in that old life, the parts of it never coped with, handled or let go....more like they were packed up and sealed in a vault in my heart that was to never be opened.....opening it would bring tremendous amounts of pain, humiliation, anger, hurt and love lots and lots of love, the love of an entire lifetime.......so it was locked up tight.  I coped for so many years by thinking and discussing anything and everything except that time in my life......well you had to know all this growth, this stretching to reach the next hurdle, all this hardship and lack that brought such amazing insights into the patterns of my life were going to rip through those chains right? well fuck I didn't! then there it was open! I kind of blame ~poking a finger at Jeffrey~ someone for giving me so thankfully some tools that helped me open up and see this all, forgive myself and reach out to correct.....I am ever thankful that Spirit led me to someone so generous with their own light! so back to this, I can never take any of that shit back, ever no matter how badly and trust me I do no matter how badly I feel about it I can never fix it, or change the opinions of those that lived it with me, it is what it is and I was what I was.....that is not me anymore.

For the first time in almost 20 years I am one person again, my past is in peace, I am at peace......I realize now I fought this growth so much cause well it's some scary shit! even now as I write this I feel that familiar pang in my shoulder that reminds me of the pains of this life.....and I thankfully rub the tiny bit of beauty I created today....for now the irony of my life consists of things like having a $75 piece of jewelry wrapped around my neck, that I could never afford but yet can create to share, as my other hand tries to cover the holes in my torn dress....the stark contrast for me is amazing...everyday when I put on a little something of beauty, I remember my soul created that and I take a moment to thank the Divine, because thankfully I know when I lost myself the Gods kept me whole, protected my core until I could see it again and led me back.....everyday I am thankful for that love.  I shudder to think where I would have ended up without it.

She has been some rocky road, sigh....but would I be who I am if I had not lived it? I think not.....I am not who I was, nor who I thought I wanted to be but I am who I was supposed to be.....back to my wire!