The rain has been falling for a few days now and will go on for a few more, the spring is trying very hard to wash away the debris of winter. Preparing the ground for the beauty that is about to start to push its way through, I cannot wait to get my fingers in the soil and start to feel that connection that I am always so thankful for. Mother Earth always has the energies I need to keep me well grounded, I can walk barefoot in the snow and still not feel the same as I do when I feel my bare feet in the soil of my garden. Gods I miss that! it might be the one single act that can break me out of this very grey mood that I am in.....I get this way when the world around me is brown, grey and muddy.....the one part of the year that I really can say I dislike is the transition from winter to spring, there is no solace I can find or joy that I can tap.....it is always a time of contemplation for me, the dawning of a new spring on the horizon means I have to look at all that I leave behind in this rebirth.....for me the whole cycle ends here, not at Samhain, the winter means for me that the cycle of death is simply beginning and it continues until this moment here, this time just before the wheel turns, this is the completion of the entire cycle of the year for me......maybe it is an ancestral rhythm in me, something my soul can no longer communicate to me the whys or where fors but yet makes me feel it each year, it is the one thing that makes sense to me on a core level....I know I am different and I am ok with that, I celebrate that actually...as you should celebrate your differences as well.
This last year saw great changes within our life, most of which I have hashed out to death already, but the very personal ones I kept to myself.....back in this place my weight ballooned again, and my body broke down a little more, I fear missing the sea salt air that seemed to do so much good for me. That alongwith the accidental longterm gluten exposure has caused major issues, its like starting at the beginning all over again....back to being able to only walk in short distances, keeping fit is not something I can even consider at the moment, simply being mobile is hard but yet I do it...the pain in my back from being swollen is unbelievable, but yet I appear to be at a minimum 7 to 8 months pregnant, which of course I am not and now have been carrying this as for about 10 months, not gradually getting larger as someone who is pregnant, no mine was within a month that it became this and has stayed this, some days are better than others, and I go like someone released from prison on those days soaking in the freedom of movement and expression....others well they become great snuggle days and try not to move too much. Then of course we have the shingles that have been hanging around for a bit, the extreme stress of our lives has never failed to bring me such wonderful gifts ~ definite eye roll ~ and I cannot forget all the little things that make my life so much harder that others take for granted, they will remain fodder for another post when I feel much stronger about releasing them. For now just a little note to all those that look at people that look like me, be kind with your thoughts and your words you have no idea why someone may be in the state they are, it does not just come down to what we eat, if that were true then I would not have this issue living with a gluten free organic and 50% raw diet, while removing all refined sugars completely. Be careful with your judgemental thoughts as my empathic heart hears them all. It is sad that the harshest judgements cast at me come because of my weight, health, skin tone, and spirituality, all of which I cannot change.....some humans just suck that way though.
The bright spot in today? what makes me sit here and write this and feel my actual spirits lifting as I do? well by my reasoning this means that this current cycle of ugliness, pain and hardship should be coming to an end, regrowth and rebirth just around the corner. This is a good thing and is enough to illicit almost little girl squeals of delight from my old body. As I have sat here writing the weather has cleared slightly and the trees are gleaming brightly with their green limbs, rather than stooping over under the weight of all the water that has fallen in the last few days. The skies are clearer and a walk may actually become possible today down to the river, to see Oshun.... a walk to discuss with Oya my path ahead.......a moment with Hecate at the crossroad, maybe a little offering as well....then back home to the sea water on my altar and a moment of sharing with Yemaya. Along the way I am sure the little witch and I will find some time to hug the huge trees that line our road, he keeps trying but can never quite make it with his arms all the way around, even dad cannot do that but he keeps trying...my little hero.
I am sure when I get out there I won't be able to go far, but I will go nonetheless and be proud of myself for the few steps of freedom today, and will plan for more of them tomorrow.....May the Gods light all our ways forward.