I sit and stare at the blank screen wanting to write, to let it all out, all the things that have been happening, all the changes to come and yet I feel stifled, unsure, struggling with feelings of physical failure to be truthful. Vulnerability is always so hard to show, especially in our magical world where one witch or another is trying to prove how strong her magic is....that is not me, it never has been me and it never will be me, so then I had to decide what it was that was actually keeping me silent....acceptance....not yours but mine....acceptance that I will not get better I will manage, but I will never get better..yes that was the hardest part for me, accepting that made me vulnerable, made me dependent to a certain degree, and I hate to be dependent. When Celiac disease was discovered I think a part of me really believed that would be the end of the worse health struggles, yes the other conditions, fibro & SLE, still existed but were so exasperated by the gluten issues that I hoped it would allow for longer remissions from it all....it hasn't.....now almost a year later of the struggle to confirm MS I sit here as my physical body deteriorates and I struggle with the words to express what is happening, both in the written and in the verbal sense for very different reasons though.....when I get upset I can't speak clearly at times, when I discuss my health these days even in writing I get upset.....facing disability is not something that is as easy as some may think, it is not a ticket to some free ride that is filled with happiness and laziness, it is a ride on a roller coaster of health professionals, hospitals, tests, vampires after your blood, and many nights and days of frustrations as those around you grapple with the realities of all you cannot do anymore and how it changes you. It is about Pain, lots of pain....I am going to write this and I am going to get upset, I will do my best not to but this difficult subject has its way with me often.
Just over a year and a half ago these pains started in my ribcage, these horrible stop you in your tracks, trying to breathe slowly kind of pain....it would make me hold my arm tight to my side as if that somehow would stop it, they weren't long in duration 1 - 3 mins but for me living them when they strike it seems like a lifetime before they are done.....then came the stiffness in my joints, my hands don't always co operate, and my feet well one isn't too bad but the other one well it isn't much help at times, so I found ways to cope with that, walking sticks, canes and I guess I will eventually need a walker and then a wheel chair, yes I know that will come, I think I have known that for a very long time. The pains still happen but I have realized if I try to remain as calm as possible, content with my flowers, magic, my wire and my page then they happen with less frequency....waiting for the MRI has been I think the hardest part as I have issues with other things as well now, especially my speech.....I once was a very clear and articulate person, I spoke well and often in public and never had an issue with the concept of public speaking and now I try not to have long conversations with even my inner circle, not because I don't want to but because I just cannot do it without effort, might sound minimal to say it requires effort, but think about how often do you have conversations with people and have to actually think about how your mouth is going to move to say the word....that is where I am at, I can think very clearly and express myself through writing clearly but when trying to speak verbally at times I have to slow myself down and be expressly aware.....yes it is upsetting, yes I am having issues with it, yes I need answers and I hope that soon I will have them, even for the lump that has decided to come through on my breast, when it rains it fucking pours....escapism has never been my way, my reality is this still exists and I still have to deal with it on a daily basis......so I have come to the conclusion that writing while I can still type thankfully this is the way through for me......so here I am, this is what is happening to me, and I am coping, sometimes well, sometimes not so well.
On a spiritual level I have come through the hardest part of accepting this, realizing it is not a reflection of who I am, or of my worth as a Witch, if anything a confirmation of strength and magic for me, without one or the other I would have given up long ago. My pain of this life has taught me much and giving up was never one of those things.....so I may not speak much to you verbally in the future but I will write, and I will write even more now so that I know the words are there, my beliefs, my dreams and my loves....oh yes and I am making recordings for my granddaughter and my little witch so that they can know all the mysteries of my magical path, in case when the times come I am unable to do so with my own lips, the beauty of technology will for me......so yes I am coping, making plans and finding work arounds.......I refuse to allow disability to own my soul, my body I have come to grips with but not my soul...
I am still me, Witch is my name, magic is in my veins, disability will not own me....this is me being honest, real and vulnerable, expect more of it.....
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