Love

Well it happened to me again.....I thought I knew how I felt, was sure I had let things go and had moved on from the past.  I know many people do not really put alot of credence into planets and astrology, but when Venus went retrograde, things changed for me at such a deep core level that I know I will never be the same, not in a bad way either just different.  All those relationships that I had compartmentalised in my heart and mind, every one of them suddenly came back into the light and I had to look at them, this time though I was looking at them through honest eyes, not justifying any of my own behaviour, just looking at it clearly, honestly, without filters for what it was.  That was when it happened, love humbled me again......memory upon memory came tumbling out......good ones, bad ones, even the most of mediocre ones suddenly were all remembered, no matter how it ended it was all love.

For so many years I have been upset at someone for not letting me go, for holding on far beyond reasonable times, I was so upset at him that I never realized I never let him go either.  All those years ago when our life together fell apart, I never dealt with the memories, I never sat and felt the good ones, relived them or could even cope with looking at them so I just locked them all up in this chamber in that heart of mine that I am discovering goes so much deeper than I had ever realized.  That is where over 20 years of my life have stayed, locked away.....some small snippets after the kids were born fell through here and there, but the stuff that others consider their glory days that remained locked up tight, tighter than any drum you have ever seen or played......so tight it only took almost 20 years to come to grips with and admit to myself........the truth of that realization well it really sent me for a loop, sending my Libra scales flinging wildly out of control....balance? what the fuck is that!

So here is the truth in this, I never stopped loving him, I just put it away...him I put him away....we were children when we got together, both of us damaged each in our own way.....we started off with lots of love, it was passionate strong love, even though we were young we knew we had demons both of us, we talked alot about them early on in our life together and then we BOTH not just him both of us forgot them and went about living the life that we thought we were supposed to.....blindly believing this is the way it should be......he became what he never wanted to be and I answered and became what I always swore I wouldn't be.....and there it is, the disolution of us the end, it was as much my fault as his.....the divorce or lack there of  well that was as much my fault as his too.......I have come to realize that our life together was so passionate and the love was so large that it took almost as long as it lasted for me be able to look at it again......openly, honestly.........I cannot nor would I speak for him but I am doing so for me.  I am sorry that I hurt you, years ago you apologized to me for your part in the marriage I never did the same for you but I want to extend that to you now.......I know there is still pain there, there is for me too, hopefully now there can be healing, so my heart tells me anyway.....

This being honest and clear with your heart this shit is hard! Holding myself accountable without filters has been quite interesting, enlightening and ultimately freeing.......I think the steps forward are getting clearer and the path ahead is starting to glow, and there is a part inside of me that is sure there are fewer missteps ahead, clearer vision.........my heart has needed this for a very long time.......thankfully all the releasing has drawn me and the old guy closer, opening each other further to our own relationship, our own love showing us where the dark was still hiding our own demons...reminding us how thankful we are that we found each other when we did or the wreakage of our hearts would have been so much worse...amazing how much we can learn when we take off our blinders and commit to looking at ourselves through eyes that are clear, no excuses, no bullshit....

Two more days and Venus goes direct......I am looking forward to that, as I am this path I am walking, letting go, releasing and removing all unwanted and unneeded energy from my life, replacing it with healing, love and kindness.....yes that's the ticket....

Love....it will never cease to amaze you in how it will humble and heal you at the same time......