07 March 2014

It's that day....

I warn you now unless you are made of stone you will cry......

Today, it's here....and I wrote this yesterday......

Why has it been five years and yet I still cannot get the images out of my brain? why can I not just remember the good moments.....why are they so easily pushed out of the way by the last image of him laying on that floor, with me kneeling on the ground cradling his head and begging him to stay with me.......the image never leaves it fades every so often to that far away place in my mind and then comes back in moments to surprise me like a flash and remind me that nothing is forever.....no one is invincible......and tomorrow is not promised to anyone.

Each year I think it will be easier to deal with this day, this entire week......when I knew he didn't look good and he wouldn't listen and asked me some foolishness about what color did I want him to paint his face, he had all kinds in the basement......I remember how I bit my lip just before I asked him if he was going to be an asshole till the moment he died........yes I spoke to my dad like that, comes from him telling me all my life to speak my mind, also comes from working on endless construction sites with him......times where he was the boss and times where believe it or not I was......I bit my tongue that day though and didn't say it, thinking in the back of my mind if I don't say it it won't happen right? wrong, 5 days later I got a hurried call from my mother and the scene in the ensuite happened.  He never got up from there, the last voice he heard was mine telling him I love him......the last tears he felt fall were mine, I was the last person to hold his hand and touch him while he was still warm.......while he was still here.......in that moment I lost my hero.....all I knew, all I ever was, and all I ever would be disconnected from anyone before me.....some might think well at least you got that moment to tell him, some might even think how I should be glad of the moment of being there with him.....let me tell you I am not, its not like watching a movie, there was no supporting characters to help me through the moment....the reality is there was my father and there was me, it was not a moment that he just peacefully went to sleep and it will forever haunt me......you don't want this memory.......the only part of it that gives me any comfort is that in that moment I may have given him some comfort.....that is all......that maybe he felt my love for him.

I try to stay positive this day, I remember his smile that lit up a room, his golden eyes that he loved to tease people over.....even when he would flip up his eyelids to totally creep out everyone else, of course me being his daughter I was the only one brave enough to walk up and flip them back down.   I remember being a child and being so proud of him, he was so good to everyone.  I remember the day I told him I was getting married, he climbed the grape trellis and sat on top of it, insistent that until we all had a glass of wine to celebrate he was not coming down......I remember when my first child was getting set to be born, the nurse asked me would you like your mother to come in and I said no I would really like my dad though....well she looked at me incredulous and said no we can't do that, to which I responded with the most hysterical of reactions considering where I was what was happening and the issues we were facing, needless to say when he walked by her on his way in to see me as I had requested he leaned in and told her how dare you! tell me I can't see my daughter! where were you ever brought up! sad! hehe that was my dad! he had a big mouth, a bigger attitude, and if you fucked with him well let's say you felt it.....in the same token he had a heart of gold, generous to a fault, his word was his bond and he was the kindest and gentlest man I ever had the pleasure to know and the fact that I come from him makes me smile everyday.

Today as I light my dragons blood I will be looking up there at your altar Pai, I hope you see my heart it will always have you in it, everyday I will continue to say good morning to you when I wake up, and yea every so often I am sorry but I will cry for the moments that we lost and that for the one I wish we could have right now......I am doing the best I can........I love you. I am everything I am because you loved me.  I know you hold me up, I feel you when my knees buckle, when this life just gets so tough that there is no choice but to grin, bear it and keep going.......I know now the disconnection never happened, you just took another form, now you are the angel that watches over me.......I know.......

I love you



  1. Tess, my heart is with you today and everyday! Much love sis

  2. They are always there (here) around us... watching and protecting. ♥