17 April 2014

Artistic, Vulnerable and Fabulous!

Vulnerability, big word......big challenge.....big hurts possible, amazing growth guaranteed.....

Do you show your vulnerability everyday? do you open up and let those around you see it, the rest of the world you run into? do you hide it? or embrace it?

Tonight I was sitting thinking about all the things I want to write about, all the things going on in my life, the hand injury to the old guy, the insane living in the damn 30's environment I have lived in for the last 4 months.....the integration of who I was almost 20 years ago to the person that I am now, oh yea so much to write about and so I opened this tab and started fully intending to write about all of that and then suddenly the whole topic of vulnerability cropped up in the musings of the past in my heart.

Twenty years ago I was tough, I lived the expected life and I kind of towed the Portuguese young wife line, I say kind of because well I am sure I did not live up to the proper standards very much.....I did not show vulnerability if anything I became angry and defensive if anyone ever pointed out an area where I might be what i considered vulnerable to attack.....you see for me that is what that word meant for me then......sad isn't it? I actually lived like someone that felt they had to protect who they were inside.....anyone could see the outside no one was allowed on the inside......I thought I had it all together, I knew who I was, what I wanted and how I wanted my life to be and I wound myself so tight that well it was easy to tell people what me? I am not artistic at all, I have no idea where my kids get that must be their father because it is not me.....then someone saw a painting I had done, and they asked for it....that one led to another, then the most amazing set of Runes you can imagine that I had engraved made of rose quartz and carnelian.....ah they were so beautiful! I always wish I had kept them.....

That was some years ago, so those moments of showing vulnerability lead to many more, somewhere along the line the definition of vulnerability lost the edge of defense, the more art I have created the less daunting that word has become.......then the past creeps up and reminds you quick of who you were and suddenly you are left wondering when you let those defenses down, when did the walls tumble down and you didn't realize?  I am still me but when I look back I don't see me, I see a young woman so tired and so afraid of other women that she would never let anyone in again......it took me almost an entire lifetime to come back to a place of saying I have great relationships with women now, women I look up to, women that taught me that vulnerability and the strength to show it is what being a real woman is all about.  Vulnerability is not something to be ashamed of, it is not the way into my Achilles heel, it is me, the core, the love, the peace, the understanding, compassion, open hearted me that my art has allowed me to express.....you see I have been showing my vulnerability all along with each piece I have created, each photo and each connection with a new sister or brother, these are the moments that I have shown my heart.  I do not miss the woman I was, even though sometimes I miss some of the people I wish could have made the transition with me, but not everyone comes into our lives to stay and no matter how it ends we should just be glad for the time shared, it all teaches us something.......

and then sometimes its not about teaching us but showing us what we never ever want to be.....be thankful for the lesson, but do not hide or change keep showing that vulnerability....what a word......what a way of life......


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