Bows of Lace and Stars of Locust

A bit of a glaring look at life within the walls of those that are not so fortunate at this time of year, a play on words, a little of a well known story; with a twist to open the door and let others peer inside. There is a reality that we face living in poverty, all of us, no matter how much we tell ourselves that the spirit of this season, regardless of what religion you are, the spirit of this season is one of good will and giving within humanity; one of miracles and happiness, but for many like us it is a moment of glaring clarity of all that we cannot provide, give or expect in our lives.

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house all the creatures were scurrying, looking for that mouse

The stockings are empty and the chimney is not there, the Yule tree sits bright, lights flashing. It's branches laden with glitter and ornaments placed with care, underneath it completely bare. 

The turkey sits waiting for crisping and cooking, no stuffing or dressing, gravy or cranberries to share.....a simple meal of poultry and potatoes for all who are there. 

Momma sits and leans in Papa's arms, tears glistening; love being all she has to give to her heirs......no matter the work, no matter how hard, the hole was too big to make much repair. 

She snuggles her boy and hugs him tight, a tear spills from her eyes, finding his tiny cheek; he kisses her face; his little voice whispers "Mom, I love you to infinity!" 

Together they lay out the cookies, a glass of milk, and a prayer that next year will be better, this year to be a distant memory, filled with struggle and strain to be replaced with a year born in gain. 

Poverty and Pain are not to remain. 

Last week I shared a link to a post that only the working poor would understand, the lack of dental for one, boy does my family know that one! the vehicle that doesn't always get you where you are going but yet it is not affordable to replace, repair is more likely when possible.....and that hopefully you know how to do yourself or you may just find yourself SOL. The reaction to that post was amazing, so many of us in the same boat, so many of us living just under or straddling that poverty line, and yet we work, most of us quite hard but cannot break through that blasted line, then along comes this season, and us parents we cringe......not looking forward to the disappointed faces of our children, something that was also brought up in that post, it became quite the discussion, will they remember this disappointment? or is it more something that us parents carry around with us......I am inclined to lean towards the latter of the two.

When I was child I wanted Fashion Plates, so so badly, I hounded my father for this particular toy! begged him constantly and asked him please could I have this for Christmas, he of course agreed that yes I could. Days later he came to me and handed me a small piece of paper, I remember looking at it and wondering what is this, well it was a picture of my beloved Fashion Plates and he said to me "here now you have it, I told you you could have it" big smile on his face, and he walked away chuckling......of course I was so upset thinking this was the closest I was going to get to my beloved toy, only to open it excitedly the next week.........I played with them for a short time, and like many other of my toys I would have forgotten all about them if it had not been for the little slip from the catalogue that my dad had cut out, that I kept much longer.......I hope with my children that they have these little stories to remember too, to make up for the lean times there is only one way to ever make up for them......Love.

It may be cliche, or polyanna, or who knows whatever the hell else anyone wants to say, but when you live this life, and you struggle to keep it all going, then hanging onto love and kindness is sometimes all you have....not the type of kindness that is shown with the idea of gain, but genuine from the heart, give you my last morsel of food type of kindness....the kindness stories of this time regale us with.....miracles in time.....magic

As the boy sleeps, the stockings will dance, taking their place under bows of lace, and stars of black locust, filled with dreams, hearts, love and grace. 

From our family to yours, may you find all the blessings of the season have made it to your stockings as well!

My Yule letter

I'm older now but I am more me than I have ever been, at times the reality of this brings tears of emotion to my eyes spontaneously, suddenly overwhelmed by the sheer expanse of who I used to be to who I am now. I was digging around in my heart this last bit, thinking that now there were no more corners left in it that I had not explored when I realized that no there was one little bit STILL left hidden, locked away too painful to deal with...this last year, well since February it has been one hell of a ride, of clearing, and dropping old luggage, things that had taken residence in the darkest corners of my heart, long since now covered with so many cobwebs I barely knew they were there, but they were still leaching out their venom every so often. I have to say for years I like most people read horoscopes but didn't pay much attention to anything much about the actual planets and where they were in the sky other than the Moon I wasn't much interested in Astrology, but after this year and following the cardinal cross, the alignments through the time since and seeing how it has played out in my own life I must give it a ton of respect....some days through this year it was the warning in the planets combined with my prophetic visions that prepared me for the hard shit I have dealt with.

This has been one of the hardest stretches of inner work ever for me! Control, yes with kids every mother knows that they have to take care of everything....know everything, and be prepared for every moment! hardest thing in the world to step away from that and do as Yemaya tells me; Ride your wave my child......the wave that has now taken me to to the bottom of Hecate's cauldron, conversations and moments that run deep as I stand between the two that walk with me and guide me on my passages, my transitions and faced my own shadow and light. A lifetime ago is now almost forgotten, the person I was is like someone that you vaguely remember but can't place their name....the sadness that used to be there for that little girl is now thankful for that pain that brought release, freedom from shackles of convention, and very necessary growth, the alternative very clearly a death of my spirit, a life in a shell of nothingness. That pain set me on the road to me.

On Monday I decided it was time to slash and burn, let it all go, all the things that I have worked on so hard to understand this entire year, one of those things with me I do not necessarily have to agree with people I just need to understand their motives, if I can do that then it stops being an issue for me. This is not a small undertaking, and me well I am like that Ironman runner you know, gone through so many of the different parts of the course and now is at the virtual end, the finish line in sight the excitement comes and you cross it on a high......then the exhaustion kicks in and although in your mind you know how great this is, the prep, the work, the reality of what you just put yourself through still leaves your emotions slightly red and raw, and your muscles numb needing to rest to regroup. I imagine standing at a window looking out and wondering what is next on the circuit, what is the next step on the path? then my heart says it matters not you know to just step and the path will materialize under your feet......trust, believe, have faith the real lesson of your life, to stop, to trust and to let go.

So here is me letting go; To all those that have hurt me, to those that I have hurt, to one and all.....I send love, I send forgiveness and I apologize for the ways in which my life may have caused hardships in yours. I wish you the best, blessings, abundance and much love.

To the Gods and the Ancestors I say; I seek no earthly leaders for my faith, trust and love is in the ones that have always walked alongside me long before my birth. Thank you for all you have given me in my life, my heart overflows with love and your glow fills me. I lay my heart in your hands, in faith I continue down my own road, dancing to the beat your drum.........I pledge to never forget and to always serve you with an open heart.

My words, my life, my path......Blessed Yule to you! May Blessings of love, peace, prosperity and health find you one and all!

Hold onto your Magic

My day starts the same way everyday, I wake up and groan as I try to get out of bed. For the last almost six months I have lived in a constant agony of pain, some days are better than others but for the most part it hurts. I sit more than I used to, I get tired faster as well, but I keep going. While things are getting better on one level they are still hard on many others; like many of you out there that read my blog, because at the end of the day we all have our own issues in our lives that make our lives difficult, none of us are immune to the daily struggles of life on Earth. Still though this week a few times I kinda lost my shit; let it get to me and vented a bit on my wall, and then of course a whole heck of a lot to the lucky ones that messaged me to find out what the scoop was. Yep that is right I let my crazy have free reign a little this week, as uncomfortable as that may make some people, yep that is right I noticed the drop in friends and it made me think about a statement I made a while back.......What if I told you our biggest problem is not religion, politics or money. It is our disconnection from our own humanity.

Big statement that one, isn't it? so what gives me the authority to make such a huge statement? did I study in a university? or have some schooling that qualifies me to make such a statement? nope, nope and nope but my qualifications come from a much higher source when it comes to making a statement like that, my right to say this comes from the undeniable truth that I am very human. I have now lived in different stations in life, within different cultures and in entirely different ends of my local geography. I began with a life 46 yrs ago in an infinitely different place than where I am now. I have been daughter, mother, wife and sister. I have been comfortable, wealthy and dirt poor. Not only have I seen and been all these things but I have watched myself and others and how things change within and without as circumstances around us change. You cannot live through what we have just gone through and continue to try to pull ourselves out of without it affecting you on an inner core level, well at least in my humble opinion, so if that is not enough qualification for you then stop reading now, for others let me tell you this is some serious shit!

Why are we so afraid of human emotion? is it really somehow so ugly and disgusting of us to admit to weakness, or to even admit to another that we may need help? I find it so sad to realize that help is one of those things that we should be able to all rely on in each other, but in truth the world has become such a cold and bitter place at times, and when you have no money it becomes an even colder one. Our governments hand out stiffer sentences to those that steal money from them than they do those that rape or murder, somehow creating this prevailing energy that human life is much less important than the economy and government coffers. Can it be any wonder that our society values and measures your success by the car you drive? Let me tell you a little story; yesterday my husband and I were out with our beat up old Chevy truck, our old money maker back from when things were good and what we had we shared with all those around, she is not great now but she still runs like a dream......we stopped at the gas station and inside was a local man we recognize from the grocery store not a particularly memorable person other than his envious energy and need to gossip really stands out, and yesterday maybe it was the full moon or maybe it was the week I had, I had enough, my truck is old but she runs well and takes care of me, my home as my husband says it may not be the Taj Mahal but I find shelter and love here, I may not have tons of money but I am happy in my life and for the hard bits I hold onto my magic. Well let us just say he could not look at me, even when I passed him once again in the middle of town, if he could have found a hole to crawl into he would have. 

After some time the husband well he is finally back to work, it will take some time to pull us out of that hole that just well grew to the size of an enormous crater, and it will continue to feel like every day when we crawl a little further up the side the ground might just cave below us, but still we will keep going. Everything costs in this world, even the ability for him to work costs us money we don't have till he works a bit, it is a constant cycle of outflowing before it will start to really flow inwards and remain. There are bills to pay, things to take care of that do not wait, responsibilities that require taking care of, these are the realities of life....the car I drive no matter how old is irrelevant, at this point I am simply glad I still have a vehicle that keeps going. You tell me if that man is thinking about how hard my human struggle is or if he is just poking at someone he sees as having less than him.....you tell me if you think he has lost his humanity or if he retains it when he goes to church on Sundays only? or is that just to keep everyone else from pointing and mocking him as he does to others? how connected to the creator/ess is that behaviour? 

Every day I get up and I do the same thing, I groan as I move, then I light the candle on my altar and chant for a new day that is opening before me. Everyday I ask for the protection, love and understanding to go out into the world. I ask that my family and the families of those in need be taken care of. Everyday I sign onto my page, my little piece of me and I offer to help, I extend love and blessings to those that come my way. I create and I bend wire as I try to help pull my family out of this circumstance, everyday I hold onto my magic as I craft the life I want to live around me. I post moments hoping that the eyes reading them will feel the magic and let it fill them, rather than get stuck on the realities of the words. I figure if one person is reached then it maybe can create an avalanche of change. I pray for the day that we all can be connected and feel for each other the way it should always have been, the day where we cannot stand to see our fellow humans in pain because it hurts us if we do. It is only because our connection has faltered that religion, politics or money have even been able to become such a problem. I could sit and see things the way that man does, I could feel as negative and greedy with life as he is, but everyday I choose to strengthen that connection rather than let it die, I choose to hold onto my magic.

Everyday I start my day the same way.....I say a prayer for you, won't you join me? see if we can turn this shit around?