The Cracked Cauldron Chronicles

A very long time ago, when I was fairly young I think it had to be about 9, it was deep in the 70's when I think back to what I was wearing, all collars and bell bottom pants.....anyway point of this is I remember my father taking me to a person, I seem to remember a male figure and he was some kind of spiritualist.....I remember he laid his hands on my head, something I was so not sure of and I looked alarmed at my dad who shoosed me and told me it was ok.....after some time I remember being asked to sit while he spoke to my dad, I was young so I was not that interested in what they were discussing and caught only a small sentence that has stuck with me all these years....."she is walking through a very dark tunnel towards the light....." I have thought about that moment often, usually when it is a particularly difficult time in my life.....I think it predisposed me to feeling that dark is bad, that somehow I was shrouded in bad things, bad ways, bad gifts, so I lived it and shielded myself so that never again could anyone see into me.

I find it amazing how our minds can control every aspect of our lives if we allow it, in fact it will even shut out our hearts, I did for long stretches of time.  Every time I took a job out in the "real" world, let myself integrate into society and become a drone, this by no means is an insult to anyone else....we all do what we want with our lives, for me I wasn't doing what I wanted, no I was doing the exact opposite.....shutting things down, putting things away and living life blind, without my senses, because opening them up meant opening up my heart....this was not something I wanted to do anymore.  As a child I apologized to everyone when they were hurt by others, constantly, even then I never understood why but when I saw someone hurt, physically or emotionally it was like I could feel it so strongly in my own heart that it brought me to tears....I cried alot as a child, more from the pain I felt from others than what I was living through.....I found a way to survive by always feeling everyone else's pain, it kept me from feeling my own.  Little did I know then that my little heart was the heart of an empath.....truth is I am an Empath, a Medium, I communicate with animals and the natural world....I see the strands that connect everything and everyone, I always have.....because of fear I did not allow myself to open fully to any of these gifts though.  You learn as a child when you extend yourself and get your fingers slapped often enough to stop extending.  I have fought and fought that, a virtual war raged within my body....my mind told me to stop, shield, don't show who you are....my heart fills and tells me NO! you can't close out and shut down, I won't let you......it came to me  a while ago the truth is I kept myself so busy so that I could not have to make that choice.....it was easier to wrap myself in the pain, fear and anger than to keep going forward.  Easy has never sat well with me, thankfully.

The integration finally came, not long ago as I have discussed before but like any life changing, eye opening event I am still feeling the differences.....checking the air pockets as I learn to ride the currents without having to over exert myself and flap furiously, I learn so much from the Eagles that have become my visitors.  It has been such an amazing experience to now look at my life through my new eyes....to understand my choices, even see where it connects with places that yes I judged someone  else's actions in my life, dooming myself to live their path for that moment so I could understand....I have learnt the hard way not to judge, when my humanness sneaks in I remind myself again not to judge we all are fighting our own battles.  Some say that I must have lost my mind, finally unhinged myself to suddenly think that I might have something to share, growth and messages to deliver to others, after all what gives me the right after all I have publicly gone through, the moments of madness and sheer fear from the pressure around me, fear that I would crumble and that the last straw would come and I would give up......I offer this simple fact to all of those that think that, by the sheer virtue of what I have lived, the strength it took to keep going, even when on auto pilot the point is I am still here, a little older around the edges, eyes look a little different, but I am still standing, heart is fully open now....that is why I know I have a story to tell, a path to share and hope to give to those that live through the same things I have and to those that don't then maybe a simple story of life as seen through my eyes.

I learnt to love myself, I finally turned those eyes to me, but I have said this before, although it never gets old, nothing changed in my life, I did not change until I learnt to love myself, in all my imperfectness....in all my moments of insanity, I learnt to love every bit of me, and know myself quite well.  Then the test for me came, I am after all a Libra and for me to satisfy both sides of my scale yes I needed to be read.....now I have been read quite a few times through the years, the readings although always good never touched on any of my own inner qualities or the gifts that I had long placed behind my own iron curtain......not the fault of any of the very talented readers that have honored me with their gifts, seriously I hope they understand that.....this time I let the curtain down, well actually incinerated it when the integration happened, so I sat and waited for the words to come from Diane.......I sat in stunned silence staring at the words she was writing to me, never have I been seen so clearly, so openly, and so honestly to my core she saw.....my eyes were opened even further last night....I saw myself through her eyes....it reinforced what I already knew all that pain, all the experiences they were necessary so that I could live through the dark and not allow it to scare me any further, it is not who I am it is a PART of who I am.....I know what I am capable of, and what I am NOT capable of.....I consider myself a lucky woman as I approach the station of Crone....I have the added energy of being Mother and Crone at the same time.....again when have I ever liked it easy!

So some will shake their heads, others will say "pfft she will never get anywhere" I say pfft, for all those that don't believe there will be those that will rejoice with me, grow with me and step along with me on this path of enlightenment, this path of growth and moving forward, leaving our fears behind and knowing that we hold the ability to create our own lives.....anyone that thinks this is about anything else for me needs to look within their own heart and be honest with themselves about where their darkness and fear of it lays....

This now is the crook in the road to the path of the Cracked Cauldron and all it's many gifts of self.......