I think it was a little over a week ago that I let people know I was going to start the screening and testing for MS. I chose that moment to say it because I felt I was ready for it, I was coping I thought even though I had much longer to get used to the idea....I was wrong. The moment I said it out loud to everyone else other than just in email conversations it became a reality....I was flooded with so many feelings, and so was everyone around me....odd isn't it we already deal with all my other illness' and have for as long as my children have been alive and as long as I have been with my old guy, but add this one that seems to make so much sense and explain so much and the boat tipped. Yes one of the feelings I had was relief, and while I thought that would tide me through the unknown again I was wrong. I really struggled with this, I think partially because I feel in my heart the testing is just a formality, my entire health history points to it, never mind points it screams it out loud! I still struggled....and I struggled hard, those that have the inside track in my life knew it, they felt it even though I didn't say much, I guess that is how they knew I was struggling I went quiet.....I started to post pictures, pretty flowers are everywhere, moments with my old guy, happy little snippets of a life that seems idyllic and filled with happiness and sunshine, if you know me you know what that means, if you don't then you only see the surface of rainbows and unicorns.....my truth and life is much harsher than that.....so am I lying when I am posting all the happy stuff? hell no, I am coping!
I am sure my day starts like many others that suffer with chronic conditions, you know we open our eyes and wait to see if something is hurting today that is new from yesterday, we get out of bed gingerly and hope that it will be a good day, we will it to be so many times before we even get up....positive thinking it has a huge impact on our lives, we work hard to keep it strong and alive, sometimes though with chronic illness it is difficult, the pain, the reality, the limitations sometimes make it completely impossible not to slip into that dark pit, but we give it a gallant effort everyday even when we just decide to sit in our pj's, every moment we go on is a little victory.....wouldn't it be great if when we were in our pits we could see that? I just spent about a week in there, mucking around in how I feel about everything, trying to rest and prepare myself for what I know is to come....my way to cope is to feel the magic of the natural world around me, I let it sing to me, carry my soul around and show me the beauty that is all around...those I love take on an etheral look to me, I see a glow around them that makes me feel like someone that is literally walking on cloud 9....I fill my Spirit and my heart with love and I try to share it....at the end of the day I am still in pain, sometimes I can walk better sometimes I have pushed myself too far and can't think of doing anything else....I create, I let the energy of the Gods flow through me and revitalize my energy, I create pieces of beauty and they fill me with magic and wonder.....someday's I can eat, others I can't, the pain, the nausea and other issues get in the way...still I post love, I feel love, it helps me swallow the bitter jagged pill of intolerance I face, judgments....I write, in the face of those that criticize me, put me down openly and behind the scenes......people who don't know me, think they did but haven't followed along assume my life is a ride on a wave of glory and gold.....truth is my old guy is in his early 50's and I am fast approaching my 50th year and we just moved cross country a very hard thing to do for us but necessary because in the four years we lived in New Brunswick we faced soul crushing, bone breaking poverty...no matter what we did we could not break the cycle, until we left the entire province and started over in Ontario....my reality is harsh, my critics are assholes and the magic saves my life.....still I have moments, ones where I need to reach out, the pressure becomes too much and I have to let it go, I have said before my pressure valve goes off....that was the result of the the blog the other day, Fuck Judgments, it makes me angry and sad at the same time that I even feel a need to write that.....I knew there would be reprecussions and there were, still I wrote it and I would write it again if need be.
This move came with alot of outside help, people who came out of the woodwork to help us get here, push us forward, I am really grateful of them, they had no prior obligation to help us, I believe heavily inspired by the Gods to do so. Everyday I hold hope I will get a text telling me that our home there is sold, that we can finally put NB behind us, move forward, pay back our debts and start with a clean slate here, but no everyday it hasn't happened yet, people start to get antsy. reading my posts thinking I am living on filet and prime rib, when in truth I am simply happy that we have a full fridge for once, that for the first time in 4 years I can have more than one meal a day instead of just making sure that there is enough for the boy, we may have gone without and still do at times but he never does...our lives are dedicated to him in every way. All these things and more tumbled around this amidst emails and threats, requests and more threats, the MS thing, along with the pain in my ribcage, the falling down randomly, the lack of strength in my arms and legs, the stiffness in my fingers, the blurry vision, and of course we cannot forget the nausea....but yet still Nature, the Gods, magic and the love around me propped me up, I kept going, I kept reaching for something in each day to keep me positive....if you think I can't handle pressure you don't know me, I help my son cope with his brain tumor, my young one cope and learn how to deal with his ADHD and other behavioural issues while I homeschool him, I help my old guy deal with little business and customers, I help my daughter deal with her mental health issues, my mother with whatever she needs daily and my other daughter with my granddaughter whenever she needs me and of course I cannot forget my shop and page, pressure has never been my issue, mine has always been an issue of poor health, which makes for a hard life. Until now we had medication costs of over $5000 a year with no help, housing costs, food, fuel, heat, the list went on and on.....I am very grateful to be in Ontario and once the past is done in NB, the road ahead is covered in sunshine.....and even if it's not I am sure the Gods will help me by showing me the beauty that others miss, and I promise I will share, and so goes the way of magic and how I cope with my stressful, chronically painful life.
Find your ways to tap into the magic around you, believe in your own magic, hold it to your heart and let it fill you with love, hold your ground, be honorable but don't let people push you around....be kind but remain true to you and your path.....these are my words of advice....and when you need to have a meltdown just let it happen, cry your eyes out, then get back up there and figure yourself out and always remember to love yourself.