13 July 2016

Venting is good for the Soul

I find myself wanting to write again, a form of venting and letting go for me that I realize I have been doing as long as I can remember. Even with my fancy shmansy Alien laptop available I seem to gravitate back to the old archaic desktop with an actual keyboard that for some reason is reminiscent to me of the old typewriters, as I press each key it takes me back to the moments in my little sweat box closet of a room in downtown Toronto in the 70's....most kids were asking for balls and toys and I wanted so badly a typewriter, something to cling and clang on late into the night as my little black and white 12" TV chirped away in the background....I think that is how I learned the US anthem so well, listening to that thing hum.....years later I found myself, yes I am Canadian but I found myself singing my daughter to sleep, and yes it was the US anthem, it gave me some sort of feeling of security I realize, a feeling of the day has come to an end and now it is time to rest and prepare for a new one...anyway totally off track! When I was a kid in that room, I wanted to be a writer....I wrote all kinds of little short stories, some days I wish I still had them but as I finished them I would hand them out to people I knew, friends only, and well I never got any back....there were stories of twins that were separated at birth, stories of families torn apart by betrayal and lies, there were stories of mystical creatures, the fae and mermaids always not far from the center of them....all of these stories were my way to cope with the havoc that at times the daughter of an immigrant went through in a city like Toronto.

Today I write because my mind and heart are reaching to try to create some sort of balance in my world.....today the only thing I can say is I really need to vent, and yes I am somewhat known to be outspoken and clear in my words, but this vent will cause a ton of butt hurt to many people.....this vent has been coming for a long time......since before I came back to this place I call home. I love being here, I love being able to extend help to my loved ones...I do what I can when I can and always hope they know I love them, both blood family and non blood family....and then there are the ones that make me shake my head and wonder why I left the security of a home I owed nothing on to come to a place where I owe so much monthly just to have a roof over my head....I suffer with SLE, Fibromyalgia, Celiac, IBS, GERD, COPD, TMJ, Meneers and Glaucoma, I am literally all manner of fucked up physically! ah yes I remember why I came because even though we owed nothing on the home we struggled every day to make enough to keep food on the table and the lights on, something most people that know us cannot even imagine the severity of the poverty we lived through in New Brunswick. There really is little to no work and especially for one of their own sons that left over 30yrs ago and came back to a chilly reception, his crime of course so simple; he was married to a Portuguese woman that was raised in Ontario, of course that made her considered "olive"; as hard as it may be to believe racism is alive and well in NB and her double sin of being from Ontario made her outspoken, her clear support of her husband considered rude. How dare a woman have a brain and not settle for what she knows is not the truth, and of course let me make this clear by no means NEVER EVER come to my house to speak to me about your opinion of my husband, I don't give a flying fuck who you are, I live with him I know! so yea, oh yea that is why we left! Poverty, bone crushing, soul sucking Poverty, nothing else excuse me while I roll my eyes! 

I have a roof here, I have help with medication that I have not been able to afford for 5 years, I no longer worry about how I will get my husband's meds and keep him alive, because the Ontario government offers Trillium.....I came here and I was able to register Witch's Chamber to a real business, something I could not do in New Brunswick because the cost difference is astronomical....we have food, we have a future, albeit a shaky one still as we try to rebuild a life, it is still a future ......rebuilding, that is hard, it becomes even harder when your support system changes the rules, or becomes tired of the wait to see you get back on your feet....people assume many things, they see you wearing something different and think oh look! yea a great Sally Anne special.... or you share something with them about a little victory that you faced as you pull yourself out of that black hole of poverty and strive forward for a little bit of sunshine and somehow it makes them think well then and  there you are you have arrived so my work is done....and you are blindsided.....that is where I am, blindsided not because I lack the ability to see what comes next, not because I didn't see this coming either, but because my trusting heart believed in the goodness of humanity....something I am sure I will do again.....it is just who I am....

For all the good things that I love here, there are equal and upsetting things that make me wish I could still live as far away as 18hrs.....in my little trailer in NB it was easy to forget that I spawned a hateful child that treats me as if I never wanted her, if that were true I would have aborted her as my then husband wanted.....in that little trailer I didn't have to see the broken face of my stepson that trudges through life thinking no one loves him and just can't see that he doesn't love himself enough to stand tall.....and all the way there if I saw something on my ex's profile that bothered me it didn't make me want to jump in my truck and drive two hours only to tell him great job asshole! you eat 3inch steak while I struggle to feed ground beef still at times to the children we created and then he walked away from without a second glance....I wonder sometimes if his new friends know the truth about what he did....yes I have come to peace with what he did to me but every so often when I look at them I think you couldn't even think that they might need something all these years? Nope that was me and my old guy that took care of them, held them when they cried, wiped their brows when they were sick and told them we loved them every night, ya that was us...even now we still do.....it's sadly funny that the culture I am from or maybe it's just the family I am from; for me that gets a little blurry because so much of what we do and live through is tied into our cultural norms: for us what we did for the kids yea that is not looked on as an accomplishment, nope that is a failure because we were poor, because we couldn't do what others did.....when you are poor like me you are ridiculed, they snicker behind your back, gossip and discuss how you just couldn't manage your money, what a failure you are, a disgrace to your family name....your health is never taken into consideration, and when I fell out of the back of that van back in 2006 and my whole world came crashing down because I literally did, all those people that purported to love me suddenly ran away faster than scattering cockroaches.......so please don't get butt hurt now when I don't make overtures to form bonds you incinerated.....no don't worry I am by no means well off or rich right now so you don't need to worry you are missing out on reaping rewards for being supportive now, no we still struggle just that the struggle is different now because there is governmental help that isn't welfare but still alleviates the burden of the health issues in the family with all my conditions, parathyroid disorder for the old guy, the brain tumor for my middle son and the behavioral spectrum disorders for my youngest son.....amazing what a little proper support can do. 

I am very picky and choosy about who I let into my life now, I live very openly and publicly on my page and I share with you how I find my peace, I know I have my own brand of crazy going on, and I live with it, I manage it by letting nature fill me with her wonder....when I am upset I walk barefoot out there, when I need uplifting I tend to my flowers, in the gardens and in the house....I teach my little one about the natural world along with his daily school lesson....I create and bend wire, I burn wood, I paint, I pour candles, craft soap and cook a dinner from simple ingredients every day you would think was gourmet, simply crafted, but always crafted with love....our family has taken alot of hits through the years but we are still here, it has been almost 20 years for my old guy and I, we thank the Gods everyday! he thanks his Christian God and I thank my Pagan ones.....we are a bi-racial, bi-spiritual and multicultural family and we like it that way.....we are happy that way....who made you judge of what is right in my world? 

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day I died, flat lined, gave up and was pulled back, I was mad then when they saved me, I wanted it to be over, today as I prepare for tomorrow's celebration of life I am so glad they did, I would have missed all these years, all this love and I never would have found myself hidden under all the superficial bullshit that I had been led to believe I needed to be, when all I ever really needed to be was me.....ME! I am proud of ME! I love ME! I believe in my OWN MAGIC! try it for yourself you might like it! 

ok vent over, let the butt hurt cyring begin!


  1. thank you for sharing your story, and I don't mean 'story', as if to make it sound simple, I mean your heart story, your life story. Thank you for being a good person, a forgiving woman, an amazing mother, wife. Thank you for loving yourself enough to forgive, but never to forget, so that the same 'mistakes', life lessons, never need to be repeated. Thank you from one witch to another, for opening your heart. I don't 'know' you, but I love you already, Jane Kranz