And Another Layer Peels Away

For years I have told my kids and husband when you forget what you were going to get, or what you were doing go back to the place you first had the thought and you will instantly remember. I have always told them that thoughts get trapped in the energy of the place we have them. It is the same for memories, whether they be painful or happy, a place holds the power to trigger all manner of response in us. One such place for me is Ontario, the hard part of that is that I have lived the majority of my life here...I have loved here, and lost....my earliest memories are here, some that are amazing and others that well, I still struggle with, and I know the pain of them left deep scars...so deep that I have not even scratched the surface of that layer yet....but give me time I will get there!

It was about 2 years ago that I stopped sharing regularly on my blog, I stopped writing all together really...I have notebooks, if you know me then you have seen my stacks of them, lol, I seem to have a bit of a notebook addiction, well that and pens. I love pens. Anyway, I have all these notebooks that for years I have written in, yes many of my blogs have started in them, as well as random spells and other witchcraft related things....some things a witch just can't share. So for the last two years they have sat gathering dust, I have written the very rare bit here, or on my webpage, but pretty much keeping most of my writing to longer posts on the page but even those have of late become just photo shares....my voice it just seemed to be lost, unable to speak about my life, to share anything beyond the Lyme Disease struggle and some day to day things. Imagine what that was like for me, I have been writing since I was a child, back then on a rickety old manual typewriter, well cause it was cool! and for the last two years I felt stifled....stuck in my head...stuck in the memories of pain in this place, all gummed up with lyme bugs that fed the need to make myself small....invisible....coming out only when it was to stand up for someone else....but not for me.....all I wanted was to just keep functioning, keep going another day, not think of what and where my mind was wandering to.

Of course all this time without writing, it gave me much time to think of all I have lived, to see the connections I missed before, of course there was time in there for me to admonish myself for not having seen it sooner....we are always our harshest critics, after all.....triggers were everywhere, not surprisingly....I had lived here for so many years wanting to leave here, that when I did finally go I felt free and able to be me, without fear....I don't know if it was being near the Ocean and Yemaya, or if the salt air is really better for Lymies but for me New Brunswick brought out the best in me, maybe it was the fact that there were no triggers there.....but I cannot cut myself in two and live there and still be here near my babies, so I am here.....truthfully I thought I could handle it and having been gone for five years, I missed them so much I could not imagine another day without them....especially when we almost lost our daughter the night our granddaughter was born....if ever a mother needed a wake up call of not wanting to be so far away, it was then....to my husbands credit, there was no argument, he felt the same way and could not imagine leaving again.......I thought I could handle it....I would be fine....even concrete breaks.

It happened slowly, so slowly I didn't notice at first.....my health went first and the lyme treatment began....something I will have to do for the rest of my life, and that was one thing that it took me some time to get my head around....the lack of support, both emotional, social and financial, well you just don't really get it till you get it...and then still you could be ignorant enough to not get it in others....it happens....for me, I had to keep going, there are people that rely on me...so like a good soldier I marched on...I didn't have enough energy to always craft things, well that meant my shop suffered, until finally I put it on vacation for almost two years! might seem trivial but I worked so hard to pull us out of poverty with my shop and it was rocking....It pushed me deeper in my shell...I filled my days doing for others and lived for the nights to get that quiet, private space....that place where I could just be. Here I was once again, living in the place of the worst of the memories in my life....of pain...of rape...of domestic violence...anger....I went and dropped myself right smack dab in the middle of every C-PTSD trigger I have! and expected that no it would not get to me at all. Not really one of my finer thoughts, now I shake my head and wonder why I didn't try to prepare myself for this.....best I have is that the lyme really did fuck with my brain.

So where does all this leave me now? well I am more aware of my triggers, including the geographical ones....I am working on letting that go and rather looking at the fact that each trigger is not really associated with the land, but rather the persons that caused the initial trauma....sounds simple, trust me it so is not! but its a process and I am ok with that....for now I am looking all those demons in the face and taking them out to dance, while I air it all out and literally get all that fucken crap out of my head, I felt it was time to reintroduce myself with my new revelations from this last trip down into the cracked cauldron, and the writing in my books has started again, so there will be many more new blogs coming!

Back to the beginning we go! Hello! My name is Tess, I adopted the name as a short form of a name that I never felt comfortable with and just did not feel like it belonged to me.....you see I was called something else for the first 18 months of my life, my middle name....so I never felt like that was me after that.....so Tess it is! I am a survivor, of many things, the least of which is NOT lyme and its co infections....I fight to keep going, and I get stronger daily....magic is everywhere, we simply have to reach out and it will light the way....I have been a witch in this lifetime since I took my first breath, and in many lifetimes before....I have fought with my weight for so many years, somehow it always seemed to matter to others more than it did to me, now at 50 I am who I am, fat and all, and I am ok with that...it doesn't mean I give up on it; it means I am not attached to any particular outcome....I have lived, loved and died already on this Earth and I am still here to write this today....for the first time in a very long time I am excited about the future, I believe in today....in this moment, I turned some corner I could not even see before I turned it....but yet from this vantage point it's as if I can see so much over the last 50 years that now makes sense, my eyes see answers to those questions I asked myself in my lowest moments....it really is amazing how much guilt we can carry, hidden in those caverns of our souls....no I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life, I accept that and know I deserve better.....now it's time to do that once again, start the process of taking my life back, living even more authentically to feed my heart......and to write....lots more....

For those that wish I extend my hand and invite you to continue with me on this magical journey within the Witch's Chamber.

Many Blessing of Solstice to you all! My magic tonight is simple and powerful.
I call all of my power back to me
As I wish so Mote it be

Tess