Big hips, thick thighs wrapped in Goodness

Today was a good day, so much so that this blog has been peculating all day, well actually it has been since the last one. I touched on my weight in the last one, but only in a passing sense....now its time to get deep into that, so expect this to to be one blog in a series of many....I dare say I am not the only person to have lived this life with a weight issue that is wholly misunderstood.....used against them....ever been made to feel worthless because of your weight? well I have too, and this blog is for all of us that have suffered those looks, comments and snickers from those that don't know us, but yet feel they could "fix" us if only we would listen to their dietary advice, after all they are only thinking of our health, right? NOT! if they were there would be no judgement, there would be acceptance, understanding and love....being critical of someone under the guise of concern is old, outdated and not acceptable in my world and it shouldn't be in yours either.

I think I must have been about 7 the first time I heard someone tell me I shouldn't eat something that it was simply going to attach to my hips and no one would ever want to marry me....now how awful is that to tell a young child that the way she looks might make her so unlovable that no one would want her based on her weight....I look back sometimes on pictures of that young girl, I never see an overweight child, just a child...all dark eyes, long hair and freckles...yes that was me, just a regular girl that would rather go fishing than knit or crochet....I could be seen running off on my bike on these dirt roads....jumping in the lake at 6am when everyone else was still sleeping, the calmness of the morning as the Sun was just finished rising and the quiet of it all, was like medicine for my soul, even as a child....I was searching even then, for a bit of peace in my own skin, and nature always provided the grounding I needed, and she still does.

My later teens and twenties are a blur of one diet or another, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, NutriSystem and any others I could find, nothing ever really worked....not for any amount of real time and the rebound was always so much worse than where I started.....bear in mind that the worst of it started after Lyme took hold of me, even though I didn't know it.....then they thought it was Lupus, so the wonderful medication was steriods....things that they never tell you about steroids is you never get rid of what they put on you, well if you are me you don't.....still every so often when I manage to break the grip of this disease it all melts off, like magic....but lately no I am always fighting but not gaining ground, not losing it either so I am happy about that. The weight though it doesn't really matter to what kind of person I am inside....as I am sure it doesn't really matter for the type of person you are either....thin, fat, inbetween all of it makes no bearing on the type of person you are....beauty really does come from inside....but yet again I find myself sitting here writing another blog that points out this fact....and that is sad, time marches on but nothing changes.

I don't believe that when we are children our aspirations include this, I don't believe that anyone given the choice would say yes please make me fat...but for some of us that is the reality....we wake up daily, get ready for the world and yes we smile and think ok here goes another day....for me I never consider my fat, until someone makes me have to see it...when I look in the mirror I see me, I see my eyes, my face, and yes of course I see the rest of me, but it is simply who I am...and in truth I should not have to explain to anyone why I am the size I am.....it's as if I should walk around with a sign around my neck that says "I only eat Organic and gluten free....I eat balanced meals....I don't gorge myself....I eat probably less than you do....my body is this size because of the inflammation caused by Lyme Disease....really I don't need a nutritionist....had one, she told me she couldn't teach me anything I wasn't already doing" It gets tiresome....usually these moments happen once they can't figure out what else to say to me when they are trying to push me around, intimidate me or feel intimidated by me, mentioning my weight is their go to, like we are in kindergarten all over again....bonus points for the most callous asshole that thinks its ok to call you a fatty, a cow, or worse....remember the Universe is always listening and what you judge you will face. Like the woman that sat on my couch and told me my husband would leave me, I was too fat for him, he liked them thinner, like her.....um yea I don't think so.

I am a strong confident woman, I am a witch, I spend my days helping where I can, making magic and reaching for the stars....I don't stop doing any of that ever, but somedays I have to take a break to deal with some asshole who makes a nasty comment about me not needing that frozen yogurt....or some other nasty little snide remark about widening doorways.....when I was younger I used to say well I can always lose weight but you will still be ugly....sad but true...shaming people is not right...not for being overweight or underweight....shaming them for anything that is beyond their control is wrong and always will be....and no they should not have to justify to you why....it really is none of your fucking business....making them feel. inferior and ugly is truly unacceptable....no matter what your weight is, you should never feel that way, we as a society need to do better.....we need to see people for the energy they bring to the table, not what they put on their plate.

Is it possible? can we ever grow beyond these juvenile, patriachal views of each other? I sure as hell hope so because going backwards will help no one....and I believe us all having to wear name tags explaining all our issues, setbacks and hurdles is ridiculous and I am pretty sure mine would say something highly different than an explanation....more like a mission statement of what you could do with yourself...but then again I have been fighting this issue my whole life, from strangers and those close to me....at 50 I care about my own longevity, but I know I do all I can now...It is what it is.

It is what it is....it's not giving up to say that, its simply accepting that some things just don't work out the way you wanted, it doesn't mean there is no hope, it's just not there, and you are ok with that...and that is where I am....I am ok, I am letting go of expectations and I know the best will come for me....not that I won't run into more assholes, for fucks sake I live in a tourist town that people love to walk around in bathing suits all summer, not to mention the Big Uglies, that is a whole other blog! so I know I will get more of it...but I have hope that the right ones will see what shines from my eyes, not the size of my hips, to all the others Cheers! I raise my blueberry frozen yogurt to you! Have at it!