07 March 2015

Letters, tears and finally Peace

Today a letter to my dad, you see today is six years from the day the world lost a true hero, well at least in my eyes.....they are no longer the eyes of a child that sees her father as a prince, a king or even someone without his own faults, but the eyes of a woman that now understands life from a whole other perspective, and I realize the whole thing about staying positive; yea he started that with me....no matter how hard his lesson was, how difficult what came his was there was never any quit in him, and he smiled and carried on always putting everyone else ahead of himself.....yea he was my hero...... When today dawned I had the usual moments of tears, pain in my heart and missing him even more, then the inevitable as I saw it all again in my mind, this day, his passing and how I watched the life slip from him in my arms and he fought it so strongly......and yes I fell apart, trying to decide what or how I could regain my composure, find my way back to the positive side of the road I am on.....I realized what I miss the most is being able to talk to him and tell him what I am doing, on a spiritual level and in all I believe I know he stays with me and sees all I do, but on a very human level that does not comfort the missing moments for me, so here goes........

Hi Pai, 

Here we are again today, that awful day we all lost you....I know I know you are here anyway but some times it becomes hard to feel you so I have these moments....so many things have changed here since you have been gone

I realized a while ago that when you passed I got lost in this endless cycle of anger, loss and grief and it well it didn't exactly manifest in the best ways, I am really sorry that I let you down on those things that we both know you wanted me to do, I could not quiet my mind long enough to work on the feelings and their impact on all our lives......I can honestly tell you and you are welcome to look in that heart of mine and see that I am FINALLY in a better place, I can cope now, grow and continue to go along this jaded path of mine. I found my love of wire and creation in all this time, and many of the copper pieces I create is still with that roll of wire you gave us, makes me feel like you are still here, somehow still helping and caring for us all.....I know that was your life's whole purpose, not because you felt obligated but it was how you showed love, guess what I know now that is what I do to, you taught me well, although I am not as good at it as you are, right now I still struggle and have to claw for each bit that I do manage to make but it gets better everyday, and now I know what you meant by going to bed with a question and waking up with the answers, that is how it works for me many times. 

In May your first great-grandbaby will be here! even though the proud parents have resisted finding out the sex of the babe I am so sure that it's a boy I feel growing inside Nicoley, I can't wait to see if the golden eyes skipped a generation! I still have a bunch of the baby things you got me when I had her and I am planning to take them to her, soon as we have a vehicle, hint hint maybe you could give us a little lucky nudge in that respect, help me reach our goal.....maybe from up there you can make some really famous person fall in love with my work so they come forward wanting some amazing commission....hehe I can always hope! I remember many times how you taught me to drive, it was probably the best lesson of my life; remember you told me look straight ahead and line up my eyes with the horizon; that is where you are going, remember that! so I keep my eyes on the horizon and keep striving forward, no matter what I will get where I am going.....

Pai, I lost my way for a while but now I am strong again, my heart and mind are aligned and I am ready, thanks for always being there and guiding me gently and I know saving me from falling apart completely MANY times.....thank you for always being you and for shining that love on me still today, as I sit here and write this I can stare into your beautiful golden eyes looking back at me in that spiffy tuxedo you hated, lol, still some of the happiest pictures of just you and me......

I love you, yesterday, today, tomorrow and always......

oh yes and YES as much as you hated it I still wear all black....it is just what I do, but inside your love paints my heart with colors all alive and brilliant


Blessings all thank you for being a part of my way forward and my circle....much love to you all.....this for me was hard but worth it, and it brought me peace to share.....it was my way to keep on my path of the #AvalancheofGood

keep on striving where you are too and turn your pain into growth, your tears into joy, enjoy the moments of your life, they will only come around once.

1 comment:

  1. A beautiful tribute Tess. I know he watches you from above and he is so very proud of you and the life you are living. Much love