13 September 2013

Carrots, Mountains and Meltdowns

I have started this post a few times now, quick to hit the backspace button, truth is my mind is here there and everywhere. I need to write but I can't concentrate, I can't seem to shut off the thoughts and the messages, the events of the last five years blazing in quick succession, streaming in my mind.  The lessons in forced humility, the highs oh so wonderful, the lows well they were really low.....feeling suddenly completely alone in the world, all lessons of the last four years.  Truth is today was a bad day, a day to remember all that has been lost, all those that we loved that are gone, and all those that we love that well I guess really never did love us, today was a day about loss, cutting it away, moving beyond it to see there is more and there is always a reason for everything that happens, whether you understand it now or not the reason's will eventually become clear.  My kid used to tell me that, reminding me she heard it from her somewhat annoyingly always right mother, now they are almost all grown and gone. Just as we started to feel the twinges of empty nest syndrome kick in we were blessed with one more to share our love and hearts with.  My life is full, busy, productive, happy and stable, but yet the sadness still comes, things still happen that shake that calm and bliss.

Today was one of those days, I won't quickly forget, now added to the other days that stream though, playing out over and over.....the anniversary of our friends passing is coming quickly, it is the first one.  I send thoughts and prayers to his family that each day becomes a little easier than the last, I know the destruction my fathers passing left in our family, rocked to the core it will never be the same, not unlike theirs, but sometimes the same is not necessary, sometimes change can be a good thing, a welcome restart, beginning of a new phase, opening to a new life....I can put it in so many ways to show the silver lining, there is always one no matter if you can see it or not it is there, even in death there is one.  Death is only sad for the living, for the one that passes it is a release, they are free, no longer confined in these vehicles we call bodies. Souls move in and around us everyday, surrounding us, watching us and helping us as we need and even yes, that's right, even kicking our asses when we need it, today in my humanness, I slipped up and I allowed my hurts to cloud how I handle things, I allowed guilt to slip in unannounced and tell me that I shouldn't whine for being hurt, I let it take a stranglehold on me and I lost a few hours to tears, migraine material and an aching neck.  I am human, its not possible to be perfect everyday, to be on top of the world every moment, it just isn't, I stumble, I fall and I have meltdowns, I did today.  I held the pills in my hand that the doctor prescribed and debated taking one to stop the panic that was rising in the pit of my stomach, because today the pressure was reaching a boiling point, not because of my own personal relationship but outside pressures.  I looked at that yellow bottle for a few minutes then I put it down, pills they are just not me, so I cleaned.  I ripped down every scrap of paper that had anything to do with that job, created a burn pile of crap, literal crap that we have been carrying around with us for close to the better part of 16 years.  I cleared my drawers of tattered clothes, and other pieces that I have not worn in years and will never wear again, bagged to the appropriate places.  Change, clearing out old energy, burning away the past, plans for the future they started to take shape and shift my mood.  With one more chore to do it became a semi family thing, the boys and I pulled up the carrot patch, happily surprised by some of our larger carrots.  The soil was not so good this year, which now we have remedied with some rich black earth, after which we happily came back in as the rain started, washing away the evidence of our frolicking in the soil. More change, clean slates and new beginnings provided by natures blessed tears. 

This year is all about me doing the exact opposite of what I would have done before these last lessons.....but this bit of me I think I will keep, I will have my meltdowns unassisted so that I can see clearly when I come through to the other side, I will continue to look for the silver lining and I will keep trying to be better today than I was yesterday.....life is not a sitcom, it doesn't magically end in 30 minutes all sorted out, its more like a movie, each day a new scene in the overall epic adventure.  As long as I keep making today count for the right reasons, tomorrow will keep looking brighter, I will stumble I am after all human, I will remind myself to be gentle with me as I would be with someone else......I will get up again, dust myself off and find the silver lining, it is just who I am, it is like breathing for me.......

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