A New Year, A New Look but the same old me.....

As I sit today on my bed to write this, the Crow he lands on the wire in front of my window, him and the trees is all I can see.  My fingers reach for this keyboard more out of familiarity than using my eyes to see at the moment, so glad for spell check!, my eyes they aren't so good this week compounded by the week long massive headache that has relentlessly pounded at me, I am pretty much a right mess physically.  It's my birthday, wouldn't ya know.......that special time of year for most, always a bit of an emotional time for me this year seems even more so than ever before.  Have you ever watched a movie that you felt was one explosive moment after another, just boom, boom, boom and you were sitting there in shock of some in awe of others but at the end of that two hours you had run the entire gamut of emotions and left feeling still exhilarated but kinda tired too? that's what has been happening behind my eyes, in my mind all week, all month really.....the fact that I have to lay a number to the amount of years I have been breathing means I think about each and every one of them.

There have been many moments in those years, some of regret, some of elation, some I never want to revisit but always find myself doing so anyway, like the horror flick you don't really want to watch but find yourself stuck to just a few moments too long.  My life has been interesting, full and good, it has also been hard, difficult and painful.  For me there is always both sides even when looking at myself, maybe even more so.  I am not the same person I was when I was in my twenties or thirties, and definitely a whole different person than I was in my earlier years.  Sitting back acting like an observer in this movie of my life all week I watched my own progression into who I am today.  I still have alot of work to do, alot more growth on the horizon, but at this moment now in my life I am a hell of a lot clearer as to who I am, what I want, what I don't want and have found a strange kind of peace with these revelations I guess you would call them.  This hasn't of course been a sudden shock kind of thing either, this last year has been one of tremendous changes, stresses, pressure and growth for me, and yes truthfully I have struggled many times throughout it to keep going, many many times, giving up is so easy, so tempting.....but so not on the table for me......so trudge on I did, kept going through all those memories, every single one of them, until yesterday.......

What made yesterday different? well I am not sure, but I did realize that in all this time I have become somewhat of a recluse, never mind people coming to see me but the thought of leaving to go somewhere else somehow well it just doesn't happen for me, I always find a way out of it, not so sure when that started but now that I know its there I will definitely have to start pushing myself through it sooner rather than later......that revelation was of course directly followed by a low moment, a moment of tears and sadness that one person would not be here to say Happy Birthday to me........so here is my bit of synchronicity or Divine love you choose.....yesterday I cried like a baby alone in MY van, cried looking at your picture and begged you that if I could have one thing for my birthday it would be to feel your love and you near me just one more time, no one knew, no one was with me it was just me and you in the van, I dried my eyes and came home and didn't hide it all too well I am sure but it is what it is five years later and at times its just like it was yesterday......today someone walked in my home that never knew you, never met you and gave me a birthday gift, it was the first gift I opened today and she actually handed me 2 at once but the first one I opened after picking it randomly could not have been less random, it was a solar lamp for my garden and sitting proudly on top was a Red Cardinal, we watched and loved watching so many of them as I grew up I could not have gotten a clearer wish of love from you.....

What a week its been, what a life, what a joy, so much to be thankful for, today dad I really miss you thank you for loving me that much......no matter how old I get will always still be your little girl........I love you. So raise a glass and help me celebrate A New year, A New Look (thanks Tara!) and the same old me.....