The Queen Calls

I need to write, I can't write, I sit here staring at this white screen and my thoughts are all jumbled, so much going on in my life again.   I was starting to feel like the pressure was all getting to me, making me feel squirrelly, adding to that my empathic channels seem to be picking up all kinds of negative floating around, alot of hiding behind masks going on.  Then it happened, She reached out to me....

I have been beating myself up about letting go of my job, looking realistically at my finances and wincing knowing that I left the job about a month too early, one more month and I would have been able to have all my bills caught up and maybe a little bit of something in the bank to keep us going through the hard winter coming, but my mind couldn't do it.....that moment that it snapped and I sat there for so long that was it, so that moment I have been holding against myself....as much as I see the improvement in my home from my little one whose behaviour has improved but still has further to go, and my older son who is coping with his own issues due to the tumour, he is calmer, doing his current treatment and bless his heart worried about how we will afford it to continue....but he is no longer having to care for my little one while I lock myself up in this bedroom and make myself unavailable to both of them for up to 9hrs a day......but the realities of the world don't stop just because I did the right thing for them emotionally, mentally and even physically, monetarily I let them down.....this has really caused me to feel the very human guilt emotion to the extreme....... Like any other time when I feel this way, to blame, wrong, emotionally tortured I withdraw.....so the writing suddenly stops....the reaching out to friends stops, I start to just be here and there and nowhere.....elusive, reclusive and protective. I even this time withdrew from her......kinda floated away for a bit.....

Last Friday I was at the Farmers Market in town, really could not afford anything but the boys and I just needed to get out, pretend to be like everyone else.....and there it was this beautiful sign....black and yellow very simple....the word BELIEVE painted on it simply that is all, and when I looked it was only $5, even though I could make one and even though I really couldn't afford it I bought it and put it up on the shelf above Yemaya so that I could see it every morning as I woke.......then Saturday morning while changing the water from my lilies on that shelf the sign came crashing down and broke a lamp, funny thing is that lamp had never felt right on there since the beginning, nothing else was touched nothing, not even the other glass lamp right next to it.....I put the sign back up cleaned the mess and then went on about my business......the candles and my morning devotionals now hadn't been done for over a week.  I started cleaning and ridding myself of all kinds of old things, memories, the burn pile getting larger and larger, but still I did not light the candles.....in my cleaning I came across a few pieces I had made for her, and as I picked one up it crumbled in my hands.....and still I did not answer the call.....

Last night when the old guy got home, we sat in silence here in our room thinking about the day it was, the friend we had lost one year ago yesterday, the change it caused in our lives, the sadness we still feel that Michael is gone from this world......with one look we both knew we had to go up to the cemetery and pay our respects to him there......as we stood there, my husband put his hand in mine looked at me and said look I cut my finger today......as I looked at it, my eyes widened and I realized he had a perfect 7 cut into his finger.......it was shocking, it was a boom moment, an aha holy crap! when did I slip into this absence of her? when did I withdraw so far from her that it took so many things to wake me up.....it was like a flash, the lantern, the sign, the crumbling homages and then his finger........She called where I could not miss the call my Scorpion.....

Today all my candles are lit, the writing is coming back, the words are starting to clear in my head and I am not so jumbled, I am still coping with lots......I know this is a lifetime thing where everyday I have to tell myself that I can handle this, I am not alone, I am supported, I am loved....this is a lifetime thing to remind myself of all the good because it is so easy to allow the negative noise around to make those like me, the sensitives, the empaths, the healers want to withdraw back into their shells.....mother wouldn't allow me and I am ever so grateful that she is at my side....so on I go to find more ways to balance the witch I am to the witch that Yemaya sees that I am.....after all she is the Queen of the Witches......and I would do better to remember that everyday.