Let there be Rainbows!

I have been silent for some time now, a swirl of activity is always around me, I am very vocal in real time but the ability to write at times eludes me, never because of a lack of things to say but more because the thoughts fly furiously from one area to another, there is so much for me to say that it becomes overwhelming to even begin! This last year has been a difficult one for me and my family and for many other people as well, so much loss this year, so much pain and anger. My family has struggled this year with health issues from mental health to physical, accepting my loss of complete mobility independence has been quite the difficult experience for me. I think it becomes even harder for those of us that are empaths when our socialization becomes filled with anger in the world and our safe spaces are invaded with pain....and that is where I found myself for much of this year, processing not just my own pain, both physical and emotional but in taking in and feeling the pain of all those connected to me, shields or not when it is all encompassing everywhere you will feel it no matter how strong your shields are, and by our own very compassionate hearts we are doomed to process it.

The world is a crazy place right now, I think this every day as I get up and look through the morning posts. Nothing makes sense anymore really, and yet it is all so very clear, in a sick sort of way it was easy to see it coming, but yet we didn't, we couldn't see, we became complacent, thought it would never happen again and it snuck up on us all...out of sight out of mind they say.....words never truer spoken honestly...the veil has fallen and now the ugly, vile, hatred that festered under the surface has boiled over, and none of us anywhere will ever be the same again.....and the reality of it all is terrifying. That is where we all are, whether by choice or not so now what do we do about it? That is where I have been stuck for some time, wondering what can I actually do? how can I help? and can I even make it past my own triggers of abuse to reach out and help others? This entire year has been like watching some giant reality show that has triggered every domestic abuse memory in my life, one by one I have seen the effects in myself, thankfully my old guy is understanding and helps me, listens, holds and cares for me as I process, I am a lucky witch.....but what about everyone else that does not have that kind of support, how is this all affecting them? I can tell you from some of the support requests I have gotten it is not well, everyone is struggling, hearts are breaking, souls are preparing to hide for the next while until they might someday feel a semblance of safety again. It is just all too much to even contemplate for my mind right now, too far reaching and way too overwhelming and that is where I am again overwhelmed......so I had to go deep to find my happy place....out came my wire.

Wire, all kinds of colors, rainbows of colors, my hands hurt like I can't even explain how much, my joints are swelling randomly and I have issues bending them but my familiar callous of pulling wire is there again, I am surrounding myself in rainbows and dragons.....I am trying to find a way to cope and the only way for me to pull my heart out of the darkness is to create, bring to life, surround myself with color so that I can start to send love out in waves again. Walking now is very difficult at times, not always but way too much of the time still, my ankles are not liking it so much so now the actual function of stepping gets a little difficult at times so wire is good, keeps me seated and working...I try not to complain but the truth is that my physical abilities are deteriorating faster than I care to admit...while I wrap though I am present, centered and grounded, the pain becomes something else as I connect to the energies around me, my face changes, my eyes visibly in trance, it is a meditation an all encompassing one, it creates a fire that burns as I twist, the one that makes me breathe heavy as my heart pumps louder and harder I am out of breath and actually having a work out as if I was up there doing jumping jacks because I feel as spent as if I was, their fire moves through me and comes out my fingers into the creations that I am so gratefully gifted with crafting.....am I escaping? fucken right I am, to my safe place, to the place where I connect with my Gods, receive inspiration and the will to keep going. I don't expect my rainbow trees and dragons eyes to save the world, my oils to cure the ills, I just know that creating, crafting and in turn taking care of my family is how I craft my magic and my magic is rooted in love.....do I expect that to make a difference? hell yea, and anyone that claims empath or intuitive will say the same, only when rooted in love can we make a difference.....start with your corner of the world, try to radiate it out in any way you can....we all have to get past the overwhelm and radiate love and strength....I can do it, we can do it and it will make a difference.....

I truly wish for peace, kindness, love and family for us all through these difficult times, a Merry Yule to you all out there, Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas, in my home we celebrate it all, this year on our table will be a special candle lit to all those out there that need a little love and support, and it shall burn all year on my altar, that is how I will continue to send love to those that need it. Help where you can in any way you can...be safe, be strong and help those around you....be good people, and the darkness won't win.

Many blessings to you all from me, my old guy, and the kidlets and furbabies here at Witch's Chamber!

Tess

Walking her path

Once upon a time there was a witch, a young one without formal training, she kind of floated in the wind....she knew she was witch, but she could not explain how, but her way of the witch was not the way of the books....her way was of the plants, the animals and her ancestors....her hands just knew what to do, how to do and even when, it was not written on paper but branded within her and her soul yearned for freedom. She knew she had to find her way back to herself, just like that, in a moment that this was her only path, forced to walk it alone.

Along her path she went from one tradition to another, she searched for one to show her, teach her, help her understand about circles, corners and directions.....these were foreign to her as she was foreign to it....her witchcraft involved words, dancing, energy, salt, herbs, fire, soil and the Moon, but by the way of the Gods or the way of man teachers were always just out of reach so she continued to stumble along and learn along her way...tools fell into her hands, all she needed was always provided so she walked and opened her heart and let the Gods speak to her, listened to the Spirits that surrounded her and danced with them in the dark. She reached deep down within herself and lived with her darkness, saw her root and embraced it.....knew she was not like others and rejoiced for it.
She continued to walk her path, alone....now by choice.

One day she met a man that stood larger than life, in front of a Moon that glistened behind him, like a moment out of a dream she walked around a corner and there he stood, beckoning all that would hear to look at that wondrous Moon. She shone so bright, so beautiful and he stood so connected and true, like a messenger from all that she had lost connection to, an ancestral deep past that beckoned her, called to her but she had not found the map or tools yet to make the voyage that far back. He provided them, he did not turn her away, or make her feel wrong for her ways, he accepted and welcomed her into his world. He knew that she could not do it quickly, and he was patient, he understood her anxieties, her fears and her mental and physical health issues and he accepted her anyway.....he may not have even been totally aware of the impact and encouragement he gave her to keep true to her path and to keep going..do the work, learn and connect to your ancestors...she respected him, his energy and his knowledge so she listened and learned with each year a little more and awakened more of her soul that had been lost or hidden in the dark recess' of her heart.....he kept teaching slowly, firmly and kindly always one with compassion. To her he still stood larger than life years later, just like the first moment....a great man, a wonderful teacher and a witchdoctor to be respected.....gratitude for it all flows from her to the Gods for bringing a friend, teacher and guide of this magnitude into her life.

She still has much further to go, many more steps to take, a path that appears below her with each step.....and she shall continue to walk not so alone anymore.

My Coping Mechanisms

I think it was a little over a week ago that I let people know I was going to start the screening and testing for MS. I chose that moment to say it because I felt I was ready for it, I was coping I thought even though I had much longer to get used to the idea....I was wrong. The moment I said it out loud to everyone else other than just in email conversations it became a reality....I was flooded with so many feelings, and so was everyone around me....odd isn't it we already deal with all my other illness' and have for as long as my children have been alive and as long as I have been with my old guy, but add this one that seems to make so much sense and explain so much and the boat tipped. Yes one of the feelings I had was relief, and while I thought that would tide me through the unknown again I was wrong. I really struggled with this, I think partially because I feel in my heart the testing is just a formality, my entire health history points to it, never mind points it screams it out loud! I still struggled....and I struggled hard, those that have the inside track in my life knew it, they felt it even though I didn't say much, I guess that is how they knew I was struggling I went quiet.....I started to post pictures, pretty flowers are everywhere, moments with my old guy, happy little snippets of a life that seems idyllic and filled with happiness and sunshine, if you know me you know what that means, if you don't then you only see the surface of rainbows and unicorns.....my truth and life is much harsher than that.....so am I lying when I am posting all the happy stuff? hell no, I am coping!

I am sure my day starts like many others that suffer with chronic conditions, you know we open our eyes and wait to see if something is hurting today that is new from yesterday, we get out of bed gingerly and hope that it will be a good day, we will it to be so many times before we even get up....positive thinking it has a huge impact on our lives, we work hard to keep it strong and alive, sometimes though with chronic illness it is difficult, the pain, the reality, the limitations sometimes make it completely impossible not to slip into that dark pit, but we give it a gallant effort everyday even when we just decide to sit in our pj's, every moment we go on is a little victory.....wouldn't it be great if when we were in our pits we could see that? I just spent about a week in there, mucking around in how I feel about everything, trying to rest and prepare myself for what I know is to come....my way to cope is to feel the magic of the natural world around me, I let it sing to me, carry my soul around and show me the beauty that is all around...those I love take on an etheral look to me, I see a glow around them that makes me feel like someone that is literally walking on cloud 9....I fill my Spirit and my heart with love and I try to share it....at the end of the day I am still in pain, sometimes I can walk better sometimes I have pushed myself too far and can't think of doing anything else....I create, I let the energy of the Gods flow through me and revitalize my energy, I create pieces of beauty and they fill me with magic and wonder.....someday's I can eat, others I can't, the pain, the nausea and other issues get in the way...still I post love, I feel love, it helps me swallow the bitter jagged pill of intolerance I face, judgments....I write, in the face of those that criticize me, put me down openly and behind the scenes......people who don't know me, think they did but haven't followed along assume my life is a ride on a wave of glory and gold.....truth is my old guy is in his early 50's and I am fast approaching my 50th year and we just moved cross country a very hard thing to do for us but necessary because in the four years we lived in New Brunswick we faced soul crushing, bone breaking poverty...no matter what we did we could not break the cycle, until we left the entire province and started over in Ontario....my reality is harsh, my critics are assholes and the magic saves my life.....still I have moments, ones where I need to reach out, the pressure becomes too much and I have to let it go, I have said before my pressure valve goes off....that was the result of the the blog the other day, Fuck Judgments, it makes me angry and sad at the same time that I even feel a need to write that.....I knew there would be reprecussions and there were, still I wrote it and I would write it again if need be.

This move came with alot of outside help, people who came out of the woodwork to help us get here, push us forward, I am really grateful of them, they had no prior obligation to help us, I believe heavily inspired by the Gods to do so. Everyday I hold hope I will get a text telling me that our home there is sold, that we can finally put NB behind us, move forward, pay back our debts and start with a clean slate here, but no everyday it hasn't happened yet, people start to get antsy. reading my posts thinking I am living on filet and prime rib, when in truth I am simply happy that we have a full fridge for once, that for the first time in 4 years I can have more than one meal a day instead of just making sure that there is enough for the boy, we may have gone without and still do at times but he never does...our lives are dedicated to him in every way. All these things and more tumbled around this amidst emails and threats, requests and more threats, the MS thing, along with the pain in my ribcage, the falling down randomly, the lack of strength in my arms and legs, the stiffness in my fingers, the blurry vision, and of course we cannot forget the nausea....but yet still Nature, the Gods, magic and the love around me propped me up, I kept going, I kept reaching for something in each day to keep me positive....if you think I can't handle pressure you don't know me, I help my son cope with his brain tumor, my young one cope and learn how to deal with his ADHD and other behavioural issues while I homeschool him, I help my old guy deal with little business and customers, I help my daughter deal with her mental health issues, my mother with whatever she needs daily and my other daughter with my granddaughter whenever she needs me and of course I cannot forget my shop and page, pressure has never been my issue, mine has always been an issue of poor health, which makes for a hard life. Until now we had medication costs of over $5000 a year with no help, housing costs, food, fuel, heat, the list went on and on.....I am very grateful to be in Ontario and once the past is done in NB, the road ahead is covered in sunshine.....and even if it's not I am sure the Gods will help me by showing me the beauty that others miss, and I promise I will share, and so goes the way of magic and how I cope with my stressful, chronically painful life.

Find your ways to tap into the magic around you, believe in your own magic, hold it to your heart and let it fill you with love, hold your ground, be honorable but don't let people push you around....be kind but remain true to you and your path.....these are my words of advice....and when you need to have a meltdown just let it happen, cry your eyes out, then get back up there and figure yourself out and always remember to love yourself.

Fuck the Judgements

The last while has given me lots to chew on, analyze as I love to and carry around with me....yes that is right I have been people watching again, everywhere I go, I see it, people not caring for people....making comments at each other and about each other....sad.....and these days it doesn't seem to matter even if they are being paid to do a job for you or not, or even if they are in any one multitude of jobs that cater to the customer they still seem to think it is ok to mistreat the people their employers hired them to care for. I shared on Witch's Chamber a link about a young girl that went into a store and heard two girls that WORK there discussing the shorts she was wearing and trying to body shame her, shake my damn head, if I shake it any more I will literally break it off my neck! What exactly is going on in this world? and when did it become acceptable for this shit? Well you best settle in for a long read because I am sick to death of the judgyness of the world!

Last week I took my little one to a specialist, his now former doctor felt he must have a lip tie because of his speech, even though as his mother I knew it wasn't; I knew it was a family thing that they work out as they go, with help and speech therapy but yet they still have a certain way to say things, as my husband does and my daughter, my little witch is no different....but no! what could a mother actually know....so I went to the appointment, which went fine and of course within the first 3 minutes the doctor stated no lip or tongue tie, wonderful that bit was great, until he opened his mouth again to ask about schooling. My little one is home-schooled, it is no secret he has some behavior issues, this was not the problem, that started when the specialist judged me on my appearance and assumed he could not write, count, do mathematics, or any of the other things that come with conventional schooling....I was floored, when did Universities start giving classes that showed you what someones appearance tells you about their level of intelligence? he judged me because I was sitting crumpled in a chair, did not ask me why I was sitting like that, why I was not too fussed that my hair be coiffed, or that I wasn't wearing a stitch of makeup....I guess I was far from polished, and he was far from having a good bedside manner.....my little one can count to almost 100, he can do his alphabet, he can write his name and the days of the week, and he is learning how to read.....he can do mathematics that can make your head spin, he is a numbers kid and it shows, addition, subtraction, multiplication, division AND he is only 6 years old! He understands about gardening, soil, plants, he can reason and has a vocabulary that would make you take a seat and listen to his ideas, he is definitely a problem solver and an inventor, but that doctor knew none of that, he just judged. Like the one that sent me there with him, not one question about how we do things, how he copes, how I cope with my health and never ever having a day off, nope not one of those asked me those questions, nope just judged me on how I looked.....I have to wonder if I had done the makeup, dressed up and didn't have all this excess weight if the treatment would have been the same, I highly doubt it.

Everyday each one of us is fighting a battle that those we run into know nothing about, yet because we are so disconnected from each other no one thinks this way, instead they snicker, and comment, laugh and shame each other all in the need to elevate themselves to some unseen, unnecessary platform of bullshit that they feel they deserve. That day I was in so much pain I could barely walk, my elder son had to help me often get to and from the van, that day I was coping with the realization that I was just about to embark on a very painful and long diagnosis path to finally get some peace and be diagnosed with MS....he had no idea I had stumbled in the morning with the rash on my face, the burning nerve endings under my arms, that it took me an hour to work on my hands long enough to be able to open and close them without tears, nope he had no idea......He had no idea that just a couple of weeks before I sat in another specialists office and listened to them discuss my elder son's brain tumor like we were just bystanders, he had no idea that every day I have to take care of my mom whether I can physically or not I go. Everyday I get up no matter how I feel and make an effort to clean my house, create some crafts for my shop, home school my child, make dinner, do laundry, garden, and still function with all the issues I have health wise I make the best of everyday, still he judged me without knowing any of that....my battles are many just to keep going day by day, but I am not respected for that, no I am shamed, because I may not look up to someone else's standards.

Well you know what? I like myself, who I have become, and I know I will fight this next battle how I always do, my head held high and onward! I like me, but I do not like you or anyone like you......I am normally kind, compassionate and caring about everyone but I do not feel like people like that doctor or those girls that shamed the girl in the shorts really deserve my kindness, maybe we have been kind too long.....maybe we should be sharing the outrage, flooding the net with pictures of ourselves, us regular everyday people that push through all the nastiness in the world to still shine at the end of the day as beacons of hope and strength.....like me I know there are many out there that deal with this on a daily basis too and have no voice.....they don't have a blog, a Facebook page, and for some they don't even have the personal freedom to be able to express themselves without reproach, so for all of them I say this to all the body shamers, the better than you because I have an education, I have money you don't, and especially the oh honey you need to see a nutritionist obviously I say FUCK YOU! and I will keep saying it till the last one of you wakes up and sees we are all ONE....that's right that girl you just made fun of because you felt her ass was too big, that's right she is a part of you and you are a part of her! that young man you put down because he didn't meet your standard of good looking, yep he is a part of you too!

Our biggest problem in this world is not money, drugs, war, politics, NO it is NOT! our biggest problem in this world is our disconnectedness from each other!

Let's fix this shit!

Social Media, Body Shaming and stopping the hate

I have started this and erased the first line three times now, none of them seem to be right, so here it is......I am angry, disappointed and upset with humans....not all humans but a very distinct portion of them, and if you give me a few minutes of your time I will elaborate, the last thing I want is anyone getting lumped into this undeservedly so....let us start with Social Media, the animal that it is, the "waste of time" as some label it ~ even as they update their pages ~ the truth of it is that Social Media is here to stay, like or it or not. For many that use it like me, either empath, witch, spiritualist or others it is where we follow world happenings, having given up on traditional news casts years ago, we read and learn about it all there, in this way it serves a great function, of course keeping in mind to verify the stories you see, since there are many of pink alligators that have grown wings as well.....Social media has become something that is a mainstay in most lives these days, in one form or another most humans do visit any number of sites weekly or daily.....this week on it I witnessed one woman come out in support of the freedom of all to be who they are, while another completely humiliated an innocent unsuspecting woman in a gym shower...social media of course spread that picture far and wide, some blamed the beast, others rightly so blamed the person that actually did such a vile thing......for me the truth of the matter was that social media didn't create this environment of divisiveness, arrogance, disregard for the rights of others, total lack of respect, and even the lack of empathyf...the ability to see our fellow humans as worthy, that is gone, no it was not social media that created this condition....no that my fellow humans was US!

We have among us those that feel that we are mere objects, each of us to dissected, chided, commented on and discussed, not in a positive light but in an effort to body shame those of us that may not measure up to some yardstick they must carry.....which from what I can see must seriously be up their ass! Let me be clear here for the record I am not discussing fat shaming, no I am discussing body shaming and the larger issue it really points to, well at least in my opinion. I am a larger woman, I always have been, it seesaws and moves from one extreme to the other, depending on where my health is floundering and when it is better, right now I am possibly needing the addition of a cane soon, because my knees cannot handle the pressure, yet my diet is not problem.....no for me it is chronic pain, a body that does function internally in a normal way and problems of mobility. I am body shamed often, people gossip, comment and snicker....family, strangers, friends, enemies, it matters not it matters that I am not perfect by their standards of what is beautiful so it opens me to all kinds of ugliness....I have watched other women scan my grocery cart and look amazed with the contents and being who I am I have heard those thoughts as they race through their small minds.....no my reason for my size has nothing to do with what I eat or how much of it.....but you wouldn't know that by now you will have judged me by my exterior and I have been found to be considered substandard, the victim of body shaming both from strangers and even family....that's right it happens from strangers and those closest to you....then we have my daughter, she is tiny, she eats well, let me tell you. As a child I had people tell me I should feed her more, she was all elbows and knees....bones really but such a healthy apetite, well those people that said it to me when she was a child now say it to her, they comment on her weight, say things about how they wish they could look like that, or wow do you ever eat? Again shake my damn head! 

My daughter and I  ~ Copyright Witch's Chamber
07172016

I wonder how many of them have stopped to find if there is a health reason for this, how many know her doctor is actually monitoring her weight as it is getting too low? yet she eats well and plenty, she worries about this, doesn't find it a compliment or a cute little joke when others comment on it either, but yet because she is not large, she is tiny it seems to be ok to comment. I know when she has tried to express how it makes her feel it is shrugged off as being too sensitive...is she being too sensitive? fuck NO! and is it ok to make comments? NO it is NOT! all of these things are body shaming, all of these things are damaging.....all of these things hurt a real live flesh and blood human being....in this case my beautiful daughter.....This is her and I, a rare picture, and one that shows we are one, distinctly part of each other and yet distinct individuals....each with our problem on two very different ends of the spectrum. 

Somewhere along the line we lost the ability to really see our fellow brothers and sisters as important, worthy and as even simply our own...many look at each other now as competition, unworthy, it is all about eat or be eaten.....step on or step out....well I step out, this is not who I am this is never who I will be....body shaming, mental health shaming, bullying, so called warped "honor" killings, mass shootings, rapes, disaster after disaster that loses amounts of human souls the list of the ways we are all killing each other goes on and on, and if you think body shaming is a frivolous subject considering all that is happening in the world then you miss the entire point....there is no frivolous subject when it comes to we treat each other and what we deem to be up for poking fun at......what Dani Mathers did to the woman in the locker room was by no means frivolous, in her own apology she showed the disconnect where she felt sorry she had shared it publicly not that she was sorry she felt privileged enough to feel she was entitled by what she deems to be her perfect body to take that picture AND in her implied words it would have been ok if she had known how to use snapchat properly enough to only send it to one friend....ummm.....hold the fucking phone! ummmm WHAT THE FUCK??? really there is no sorrow there, there is admission of its ok to do this to another woman.....and in an instant the truth of her character is revealed.....sadly for many of us the moment where our critics are so openly lambasted and caught in the middle of their dastardly acts....still all that said it comes back to our disconnect....she is a clear example of a larger problem.....we have be desensitized to each other, and our plights.....we strive to be more than our neighbors rather than elevate them with us.....and I fear where we will all end up.......and that my dear witches was not Social Media's fault nope that was all her.......

Somewhere we need to stop the hate, the devalue of our brothers and sisters and remember we are literally all one.....what hurts one hurts all....one change in one human can illicit a responsive change in all......start with you......be kind, be generous, look at someone and feel their energy and see their joy.....when they are in pain, elevate them, comfort them, be human and be kind.....remember to consider the feelings of the person you are commenting on, better yet don't comment, share their successes, create safe space for each other.....care about each others feelings, when you see someone fall, for fucks sake lift them up, don't stand above them criticizing how they got there....sure fire way to see that boot come your way, energy return is a grand and blessed thing, depending on which side of the boot you are.......

Let us try this week to recognize where and how we may be body shaming ourselves and those around us and then change that behaviour one moment and encounter at a time....let us try to reconnect with our fellow humans on this one little huge thing this week and next week we will try another step, and so on and son and maybe we can lead ourselves back to where we knew we were all one....at least this empath and witch can hope....

Blessings all!

Venting is good for the Soul

I find myself wanting to write again, a form of venting and letting go for me that I realize I have been doing as long as I can remember. Even with my fancy shmansy Alien laptop available I seem to gravitate back to the old archaic desktop with an actual keyboard that for some reason is reminiscent to me of the old typewriters, as I press each key it takes me back to the moments in my little sweat box closet of a room in downtown Toronto in the 70's....most kids were asking for balls and toys and I wanted so badly a typewriter, something to cling and clang on late into the night as my little black and white 12" TV chirped away in the background....I think that is how I learned the US anthem so well, listening to that thing hum.....years later I found myself, yes I am Canadian but I found myself singing my daughter to sleep, and yes it was the US anthem, it gave me some sort of feeling of security I realize, a feeling of the day has come to an end and now it is time to rest and prepare for a new one...anyway totally off track! When I was a kid in that room, I wanted to be a writer....I wrote all kinds of little short stories, some days I wish I still had them but as I finished them I would hand them out to people I knew, friends only, and well I never got any back....there were stories of twins that were separated at birth, stories of families torn apart by betrayal and lies, there were stories of mystical creatures, the fae and mermaids always not far from the center of them....all of these stories were my way to cope with the havoc that at times the daughter of an immigrant went through in a city like Toronto.

Today I write because my mind and heart are reaching to try to create some sort of balance in my world.....today the only thing I can say is I really need to vent, and yes I am somewhat known to be outspoken and clear in my words, but this vent will cause a ton of butt hurt to many people.....this vent has been coming for a long time......since before I came back to this place I call home. I love being here, I love being able to extend help to my loved ones...I do what I can when I can and always hope they know I love them, both blood family and non blood family....and then there are the ones that make me shake my head and wonder why I left the security of a home I owed nothing on to come to a place where I owe so much monthly just to have a roof over my head....I suffer with SLE, Fibromyalgia, Celiac, IBS, GERD, COPD, TMJ, Meneers and Glaucoma, I am literally all manner of fucked up physically! ah yes I remember why I came because even though we owed nothing on the home we struggled every day to make enough to keep food on the table and the lights on, something most people that know us cannot even imagine the severity of the poverty we lived through in New Brunswick. There really is little to no work and especially for one of their own sons that left over 30yrs ago and came back to a chilly reception, his crime of course so simple; he was married to a Portuguese woman that was raised in Ontario, of course that made her considered "olive"; as hard as it may be to believe racism is alive and well in NB and her double sin of being from Ontario made her outspoken, her clear support of her husband considered rude. How dare a woman have a brain and not settle for what she knows is not the truth, and of course let me make this clear by no means NEVER EVER come to my house to speak to me about your opinion of my husband, I don't give a flying fuck who you are, I live with him I know! so yea, oh yea that is why we left! Poverty, bone crushing, soul sucking Poverty, nothing else excuse me while I roll my eyes! 

I have a roof here, I have help with medication that I have not been able to afford for 5 years, I no longer worry about how I will get my husband's meds and keep him alive, because the Ontario government offers Trillium.....I came here and I was able to register Witch's Chamber to a real business, something I could not do in New Brunswick because the cost difference is astronomical....we have food, we have a future, albeit a shaky one still as we try to rebuild a life, it is still a future ......rebuilding, that is hard, it becomes even harder when your support system changes the rules, or becomes tired of the wait to see you get back on your feet....people assume many things, they see you wearing something different and think oh look! yea a great Sally Anne special.... or you share something with them about a little victory that you faced as you pull yourself out of that black hole of poverty and strive forward for a little bit of sunshine and somehow it makes them think well then and  there you are you have arrived so my work is done....and you are blindsided.....that is where I am, blindsided not because I lack the ability to see what comes next, not because I didn't see this coming either, but because my trusting heart believed in the goodness of humanity....something I am sure I will do again.....it is just who I am....

For all the good things that I love here, there are equal and upsetting things that make me wish I could still live as far away as 18hrs.....in my little trailer in NB it was easy to forget that I spawned a hateful child that treats me as if I never wanted her, if that were true I would have aborted her as my then husband wanted.....in that little trailer I didn't have to see the broken face of my stepson that trudges through life thinking no one loves him and just can't see that he doesn't love himself enough to stand tall.....and all the way there if I saw something on my ex's profile that bothered me it didn't make me want to jump in my truck and drive two hours only to tell him great job asshole! you eat 3inch steak while I struggle to feed ground beef still at times to the children we created and then he walked away from without a second glance....I wonder sometimes if his new friends know the truth about what he did....yes I have come to peace with what he did to me but every so often when I look at them I think you couldn't even think that they might need something all these years? Nope that was me and my old guy that took care of them, held them when they cried, wiped their brows when they were sick and told them we loved them every night, ya that was us...even now we still do.....it's sadly funny that the culture I am from or maybe it's just the family I am from; for me that gets a little blurry because so much of what we do and live through is tied into our cultural norms: for us what we did for the kids yea that is not looked on as an accomplishment, nope that is a failure because we were poor, because we couldn't do what others did.....when you are poor like me you are ridiculed, they snicker behind your back, gossip and discuss how you just couldn't manage your money, what a failure you are, a disgrace to your family name....your health is never taken into consideration, and when I fell out of the back of that van back in 2006 and my whole world came crashing down because I literally did, all those people that purported to love me suddenly ran away faster than scattering cockroaches.......so please don't get butt hurt now when I don't make overtures to form bonds you incinerated.....no don't worry I am by no means well off or rich right now so you don't need to worry you are missing out on reaping rewards for being supportive now, no we still struggle just that the struggle is different now because there is governmental help that isn't welfare but still alleviates the burden of the health issues in the family with all my conditions, parathyroid disorder for the old guy, the brain tumor for my middle son and the behavioral spectrum disorders for my youngest son.....amazing what a little proper support can do. 

I am very picky and choosy about who I let into my life now, I live very openly and publicly on my page and I share with you how I find my peace, I know I have my own brand of crazy going on, and I live with it, I manage it by letting nature fill me with her wonder....when I am upset I walk barefoot out there, when I need uplifting I tend to my flowers, in the gardens and in the house....I teach my little one about the natural world along with his daily school lesson....I create and bend wire, I burn wood, I paint, I pour candles, craft soap and cook a dinner from simple ingredients every day you would think was gourmet, simply crafted, but always crafted with love....our family has taken alot of hits through the years but we are still here, it has been almost 20 years for my old guy and I, we thank the Gods everyday! he thanks his Christian God and I thank my Pagan ones.....we are a bi-racial, bi-spiritual and multicultural family and we like it that way.....we are happy that way....who made you judge of what is right in my world? 

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day I died, flat lined, gave up and was pulled back, I was mad then when they saved me, I wanted it to be over, today as I prepare for tomorrow's celebration of life I am so glad they did, I would have missed all these years, all this love and I never would have found myself hidden under all the superficial bullshit that I had been led to believe I needed to be, when all I ever really needed to be was me.....ME! I am proud of ME! I love ME! I believe in my OWN MAGIC! try it for yourself you might like it! 

ok vent over, let the butt hurt cyring begin!

Gratitude and Love

Life is hard....it is damn fucken hard! and yes that fuck needed to be in there! I have not written in so long, for so many reasons that I tell myself but when in truth I know it is because I was overwhelmed with things to say, feelings that have been raging inside for a while now.....anger, disappointment, sadness and oh yes even more disappointment.....it becomes even harder when most of those feelings are directed at myself.

The month of June gave me loads to think of so much angst and ugly happening in the world and when it started one morning that I got up, took one step and came crashing to the floor, it was over the top for me.....there were suddenly of course hands outstretched to help me get up and get back to my bed to sit and recollect myself, but the scare was there for them and for me.....the reality of my mobility becoming more challenged prevalent in all our minds......this made me angry at my body once more, another failure for me, another moment of how do I cope with this?  The list of my health issues grows worse per year, there is less and less that I can enjoy that others take for granted, this made me sad.....I kept going and then my beloved Witch's Chamber was attacked, comments were vile, and the ugliness deflected behind the scenes enough to make my toes curl, this made me disappointed. My reality became a messed up body, a bruised spirit, and a crying heart. Some of you knew some didn't, some cared some never will and that is ok too......I kept going.

Yesterday I put up a little giveaway on my page, all I wanted to know was what everyone enjoyed about the page, I simply wanted to see what if anything you all would like to see more of, improvements and such but the replies floored me, the giveaway continues and I continue to read each comment as you write it....as I read I find this strange rain falling from my eyes, it is not a sad rain, it is a smiling, the Sun is shining and the Moon is glowing kinda rain...Today I am grateful that when I was young I found a way to find that Sunshine in the midst of the rain....that I found a way to dance in the rain even when it clouded my eyes....Today I am grateful to the Gods, to my supporters, to my family, my brothers and sisters, to my magic...I am grateful for Spirit that fed me when I needed it most and nourished my soul even as my flesh fought it tooth and nail....most of the pain has subsided now, and I am left with a dull aching remembrance that June was a very painful month.

July has been iffy but still holds promise....after all the anniversary of my death and rebirth comes in just 3 short days....reminders are good ways to keep us focused aren't they? Life is damn fucken hard so fill it with love and gratitude....it really is the only answer.

Busy Just being me

This year come September I will be 48 years old, and as much as my kids protest when I say this at almost 50 years old I realize that I wasted a whole lot of time in my life....with worry, panic, caring about what others think, and at times feeling like a literal ping pong ball bouncing off the thingamagiggys in the game, except this was not a game this was my life. Although these thoughts are far from pity party, no one did this to me I totally did it to myself.....the sobering older eyes realize this.

Married at 16 thinking I knew what love was and I wanted a life, pregnant a few months later, yes honestly I was NOT pregnant before I was married, as much as the speculation in little Portugal was over the top on, and yes that was a reality of my life back then, like most other Portuguese girls growing up everyone talked about you, everyone had an opinion AND everyone else told your parents their opinion.....as girls we had very little rights, a ton of responsibility and we had absolutely no freedoms, even the simple things that our friends took for granted....school trips, trick or treating, movies, dances, sleep overs and the such were things we didn't do.....I wonder sometimes when I look back at who was I really? I don't think I had a clue about who I was back then, no wonder I wanted to be married at 16 it was the only way to freedom.....not to say that my parents did anything wrong with their upbringing, they did the best they could with the skills they had in a very foreign world to them....think My Big Fat Greek Wedding, yes that was my life, but I was much younger.......so I quickly gained the label of being a "bad girl"....I teased my hair, I wore too much makeup, even chains at times....these were my big moments of rebellion, no I was never in trouble, I still made the grades and I did not go out...I went to school and home and on weekends I was allowed to go out with family to the  local Portuguese social club......I was a shell.....I remember telling people back then and later in my 20's that I didn't have a creative bone in my body, would never dream of wire, painting, writing or anything else that required an imagination....I was dead on those fronts.....I was dead on many fronts, except that no matter what I did I had critics. No matter which road I chose it was filled with disapproving looks, many that shook their heads at me, and others that went on about how I had been born with no luck, under a cursed star and would never amount to anything......critics, my life has been filled with critics, no matter what road, what choice or how much or how little I show of myself there are always critics.

I found myself one day in my early twenties hidden under a mountain load of judgments, nasty heartbreaking opinions of me abounded....I had my cards that had been my constant companions and the backyard fire pit, the flames that licked and called to me mesmerizing me.....I stared into those flames for what seemed like an eternity, my life was in chaos around me....but still the critics were there, they were always there....not good enough, not smart enough, too fat, uneducated, no skills.....on and on they went, I had failed as a mother, a wife, as a woman, there wasn't much left of me.....now I look back and hug that child that was still fighting for her right to just be....then I was lost, so lost that I had no idea who I was.....there in that moment in that heartache I found my soul, battered and bruised....but there I was just waiting for my heart and my mind to connect...and I realized I love my soul, my faith, my integrity, my heart, I love me.....I set out to take my life back, it has been an interesting ride, lots of lows, lots of highs and a ton of valleys in between! I love the valleys they are peaceful, balanced and calm....but yet the critics they remain. Here is how it is with this for me, nothing I can do that ever makes them go away....If I work I am not a good mother and wife, if I don't work I am lazy....I am disabled, physically, to them it is because I am overweight and lazy.....I work my shop, I create, I share and I sell my own wares to support myself, it becomes all I care about is money and am greedy.....I ask for help, it means I am lazy, can't take care of myself, didn't think about my future when I was younger, should have planned better and on and on....I do things on my own without asking for help, it becomes that I am a snob and think I am better than everyone....there is no end to my critics, this is what I have come to realize about this life of mine, and that is it right there, this life is mine, so I decided to rip that lid right off the fucker.

I made a shitload of mistakes in my life, the majority of them because I was listening to one opinion of myself or another, I was a shit mother when I was young, I had to learn how to mother a child....I had to learn how to let love in, I had to learn to temper freedom with responsibility and how to make ti all work together....I had to find the artist in me that saw things differently and learn to speak to my soul all over again...I had to realize that EVERY single bone in my body is creative....I had to live the life of poverty to understand the value of money, and to respect it.....I had to come to grips with the fact that my weight is no indication of my value and know it in my heart.....I had to learn to accept that my life has left me with panic issues and this makes me no less of a strong woman....I had to learn the issue was me, I had a ton of faith in everyone else, in the Gods, in the Spirits and the Ancestors but had little faith in me....in my own magic, my own fire.....I had to know from deep down in my soul that none of this makes me less of a woman or witch....I had to learn that no matter what I do someone will always judge me, I had to learn that it really does not matter what they think of me as long as when I lay my head down at night I know I did the best I could to be authentically me.....love me or hate me is up to them, but it doesn't really matter to me because their opinion of me is theirs not mine......I had to learn to not be afraid to let people see me, I have written about this alot! Each time I do it is because I have come back to this issue and seen a deeper truth I missed before and that is life, we never get it all at once....that is my process and that is OK! 

I had to accept that some people are only happy while they can keep you small, making themselves feel like they are somehow above you, do not believe them! Let your self be seen, shine strong and bright, so bright that the reflection in their eyes is a wake up call to their own insecurities...and remember not everyone will always be genuinely happy for your success, shine on regardless!! 

Critics will be critics, and I will continuing being me, shining my little light over here.....

New Moon....Create your life

New Moon in Aries, new beginnings, starting over, spells to reach new heights.....my night is filled with words, candles are lit and the Gods are called, the words are ready and now the flames burn bright.....

Amongst the candles, the flames on high
Let them burn, don't be shy
Scream, shout and cry
Create your life, your dreams
The Gods are listening
The roads are clear and dry

Release feelings of insecurity, release the fear of never being enough, ride my wave, know that the path ahead is mine whether I can see the next step or not, faith is what I have always had and now I continue my walk on faith.....my anxiety issues do not make me less of a witch.....my weight issues that are up and down, do not dictate my value as a person....my beauty is more than just the way I look....release these feelings....let them go...breath deep and release the panic through every pore into the core of the Earth.

We live, we grow, we learn....we face the same decisions over and over and we must make the right ones, so we can move forward and break the patterns....we must learn to ride the currents. they make up our lives.....it was never meant to be this hard, ride your wave, ride your currents and let your faith guide the way.

Create your life, your dreams
The Gods are listening
The roads are clear and dry

Release let go, begin again....let Aries light the way......

The Hardest Job of all ~ Parenting

This year seems to be one moment after another of realizations, release and tears...not all bad ones, some are joyful and the moments of letting go within them are wonderfully fulfilling but still there are many tears....emotions for many are just flinging around madly from one end of the spectrum to another, and with everything that I have read in the last while from many different astrologers 2016 is the year for tears....I have to agree! So far this year I have been driven to the point of anger with Facebook "witches" and I use that title loosely for them, I have felt huge emotional baggage fall off me as I have literally cut away ties and connections that do not serve my greater good, and trust me when I say some of these were people I would have never thought the day would come where we parted company.....I did cut those cords, with authority as my old guy would say. Today's release is parenting.

These are my feelings, perspectives and experiences ~ Parents and families come in all kinds of configurations these days, this is something I highly support and respect. Creating a child is actually the easiest part of it all for most of us, bringing them into the world and raising them is not quite as simple. There may be a million books on how to parent a child out there, some I am sure are very helpful but the truth is each situation, each child even within the same family can be night and day different from each other. My dad used to say on one hand we have five fingers, not one is the same, even though they all belong to the same hand....much like families. In our blended family there are six ....yes sometimes I feel like the little dutch boy with my finger in the dam! let me tell you! I remember thinking when is the day going to come that the "you just don't understand" drama is going to end, when will we be able to sit and discuss things, share ideas, watch their families grow, when can I breathe and not worry about the hurts they will face...the times their hearts will break? Now I look back and think those were the simplest times, the wonderfully loving family times.....the problems then were simple; someone stopped talking to them at school, they were late on their homework and oh no! don't tell dad I like this boy.....there was even the time that our son brought home a karaoke tape of two little girls singing to him, simple problems.....then they grew up,  things became so much more complicated...their problems so huge now, hearts broken, revolving doors of moving home and moving out....issues of huge amounts of money that we had to cover when promises were broken, responsibilities walked away from....just horrible situations with consequences that can never be taken back....all of these moments cut through with moments of extreme joy marriages, grandchildren, Yule's, birthdays....graduations, eyes filled with proud tears....the highs and the lows are so much bigger the older they get, we never stop feeling for our children, biological or not....even though I believe they can never firmly grasp that until they have children of their own....after all neither did we, I fully admit I did not get it either.

Remember your parents they are people too...we are much more than just mom and dad, even though we love those titles, we are still people that have our own feelings, our own needs and even require our own boundaries, yes even from you. There are many aspects to parenting, things that we learn as we go, it is not something that we grow up knowing, or even that our own parents prepared us for.....reality is that as you are reaching for your independence we as your parents are terrified yet realize we have to find a way to let go. This shit is hard for us, but as you so forcefully let us know sometimes, it is your life and we must let you do it your way, this is something though that goes both ways, once we do that you cannot call us in to save the day as your storm troupers either. We support you but we do not fight your battles for you, unless of course there is a very good reason that you are infirm and unable to fight them for yourself.  There are those of you that fly wonderfully, stumble a little here and there and then learn to make it all a part of your dance, this being something we hoped you would get watching us....truth is there is no roadmap to success and there is no sure fire way of doing it all right, just make it part of your dance....we will love you, support you and help when we can. Try not to involve us in your relationship issues as best you can, we are still your parents, our claws come out just like that mama Lion to protect her cub, we don't mean to look at your exes like that but hey we love you, it is sometimes much harder for us to forget the state we saw you in, and once you fill our minds with you having walked through fire, all we can see is the aftermath of the flames...but still we put it aside, stomping on it when we have to and try for you. Those of you that chose to not embrace adulthood, well there is only so far that you can expect us as your parents to prop you up, this has nothing to do with not loving you, not wanting you or even any kind of twisted retribution, child of divorce, evil step parent bullshit you may dream up, we still love you, we just cannot keep fixing your shit, or you learn nothing....you are adults, whether we agree with your decisions or not they are yours to make, the consequence of those decisions good or bad are also yours to deal with...you made your bed...all of us as adults have to learn to take responsibility for our actions, make good decisions and when we don't, well we have to learn to own up to our fuck ups....you do too! As your parents we do not expect perfect kids, no matter what age you are, we expect you to tell us the truth, to try, to be kind, considerate, understanding and respectful.....you have no idea how hard it is to parent until you have your own children....there is no other job on this Earth that can ever explain to you what it feels like to be your parent.....no matter how many kids we have, we do love you all the same, in very different ways.....you complain about having to deal with your parents but for some of us we have to figure out how to deal with you, your siblings, your pets, your friends, your teachers, your bill collectors, your business, your spouses and significant others, your relationships with each other and your extended family and so on and so on.....it is not such a simple thing..this is not a complaint but merely a hey you! try looking at this through our eyes....each time you soar we cheer you on, when you fall we try to help you keep going, when your heart breaks ours breaks with you....we love you, we are your parents, that never changes......no matter what, even when we have to distance ourselves from you, because sometimes no matter how strong we love you we HAVE to let you learn on your own and fall if you must....yes even then it is because we love you that we pull away...and trust me when I say, never in our wildest dreams did we ever wish to have to do it....parenting is really the hardest job of all, and one that even doing the right thing can still leave you feeling empty inside when tough love happens....its not easy and no it does not come with a manual, it is hit and miss and we do the best we can whether you believe it or not.....all of these realizations come with maturity, we hold hope that you will get this basic truth someday.

Normally people say walk a mile in my shoes, to really get this I tell you to walk a lifetime in mine...until you have live your life well, respect your parents, never forget to tell them you love them, you never know when you won't be able to anymore and that is a whole other can of worms you really do not want to dig yourself out of....something I learnt the hard way myself....when I speak it is from experience, I try to keep my yap shut on things that I have not lived myself.

I leave us all with this; there is another Eclipse coming on the 23rd, a Full Lunar Eclipse, prepare for more release, and since this is the year of tears, make them worth it, let them wash away all the dirt, sand and dust from the past that has hung on, start fresh, move on and be you....be gloriously you...live your magic, ride your wave and may the Gods bless you all! life is short make the most of it!

The Last moments of Winter

The rain has been falling for a few days now and will go on for a few more, the spring is trying very hard to wash away the debris of winter. Preparing the ground for the beauty that is about to start to push its way through, I cannot wait to get my fingers in the soil and start to feel that connection that I am always so thankful for. Mother Earth always has the energies I need to keep me well grounded, I can walk barefoot in the snow and still not feel the same as I do when I feel my bare feet in the soil of my garden. Gods I miss that! it might be the one single act that can break me out of this very grey mood that I am in.....I get this way when the world around me is brown, grey and muddy.....the one part of the year that I really can say I dislike is the transition from winter to spring, there is no solace I can find or joy that I can tap.....it is always a time of contemplation for me, the dawning of a new spring on the horizon means I have to look at all that I leave behind in this rebirth.....for me the whole cycle ends here, not at Samhain, the winter means for me that the cycle of death is simply beginning and it continues until this moment here, this time just before the wheel turns, this is the completion of the entire cycle of the year for me......maybe it is an ancestral rhythm in me, something my soul can no longer communicate to me the whys or where fors but yet makes me feel it each year, it is the one thing that makes sense to me on a core level....I know I am different and I am ok with that, I celebrate that actually...as you should celebrate your differences as well.

This last year saw great changes within our life, most of which I have hashed out to death already, but the very personal ones I kept to myself.....back in this place my weight ballooned again, and my body broke down a little more, I fear missing the sea salt air that seemed to do so much good for me. That alongwith the accidental longterm gluten exposure has caused major issues, its like starting at the beginning all over again....back to being able to only walk in short distances, keeping fit is not something I can even consider at the moment, simply being mobile is hard but yet I do it...the pain in my back from being swollen is unbelievable, but yet I appear to be at a minimum 7 to 8 months pregnant, which of course I am not and now have been carrying this as for about 10 months, not gradually getting larger as someone who is pregnant, no mine was within a month that it became this and has stayed this, some days are better than others, and I go like someone released from prison on those days soaking in the freedom of movement and expression....others well they become great snuggle days and try not to move too much. Then of course we have the shingles that have been hanging around for a bit, the extreme stress of our lives has never failed to bring me such wonderful gifts ~ definite eye roll ~ and I cannot forget all the little things that make my life so much harder that others take for granted, they will remain fodder for another post when I feel much stronger about releasing them. For now just a little note to all those that look at people that look like me, be kind with your thoughts and your words you have no idea why someone may be in the state they are, it does not just come down to what we eat, if that were true then I would not have this issue living with a gluten free organic and 50%  raw diet, while removing all refined sugars completely. Be careful with your judgemental thoughts as my empathic heart hears them all. It is sad that the harshest judgements cast at me come because of my weight, health, skin tone, and spirituality, all of which I cannot change.....some humans just suck that way though.

The bright spot in today? what makes me sit here and write this and feel my actual spirits lifting as I do? well by my reasoning this means that this current cycle of ugliness, pain and hardship should be coming to an end, regrowth and rebirth just around the corner. This is a good thing and is enough to illicit almost little girl squeals of delight from my old body. As I have sat here writing the weather has cleared slightly and the trees are gleaming brightly with their green limbs, rather than stooping over under the weight of all the water that has fallen in the last few days. The skies are clearer and a walk may actually become possible today down to the river, to see Oshun.... a walk to discuss with Oya my path ahead.......a moment with Hecate at the crossroad, maybe a little offering as well....then back home to the sea water on my altar and a moment of sharing with Yemaya. Along the way I am sure the little witch and I will find some time to hug the huge trees that line our road, he keeps trying but can never quite make it with his arms all the way around, even dad cannot do that but he keeps trying...my little hero.

I am sure when I get out there I won't be able to go far, but I will go nonetheless and be proud of myself for the few steps of freedom today, and will plan for more of them tomorrow.....May the Gods light all our ways forward.

Dark Moons, Eclipses and Money

I realized that I really dislike money, which is a very well disturbing thing as it is needed in our everyday lives. I can romanticise poverty all I want to make the bitter pill easier to swallow but the truth is it fucken sucks...we tell ourselves so many things to make it easier to cope with, uplifting messages, memes and spiritual practices but at the end of the day an empty fridge or a bill for much needed heat is a reality that won't be satisfied with words meant to give strength. The hard truth is money is much needed if we wish to live without the constant stress of how to make the bank account cover the month, rather than too much month at the end of the money, and no this by no means is an indication that I do not have faith in my magic ~ just by the sheer reality that we have been able to survive with my sales as income is testament to the fact that I fully believe in magic and especially that which I conjure and create, my faith is unshakable, thank the Gods. Money though was not made by the Gods was it.....

This last few months have been interesting for us, such stark contrasts when it came to money....my clientele and magical family making it easier for me to breathe and put much needed food in the house, heat and of course the essentials of everyday life...so thankful for my sales from the shop as without them we would be totally sunk! that was the good part of the last two months but for my old guy it has been a total different experience, having finished a job in December he has fought from that point in time to get paid, with a pittance coming in early January and nothing since. While the customer requested more and more work done, something of course that he could not do without his bill being paid. These situations never end well, and I am always so thankful that in my own business I do NOT have these issues! His situation came to a head when he refused to do anymore until the bill was paid in full, he commiserated with the client about his bills, but reality is we can't pay ours with buttons, and he told him that his wife ~me~ was very upset about this....his customer had the nerve to tell him that all I cared about was money, calling me greedy! I am the hubby's office manager/customer service manager all fancy titles for I deal with the paperwork and pricing and he does the work. While I wanted to turn him into a toad with warts then and there I refrained and sat on my magical fingers and kept the monkeys at bay. Then of course I went through all the feelings of indignation, anger and all that jazz about what this person that means nothing to me thinks of me....because he recieved a service, benefited from that service, and we want to be paid for it in full this is greed? Obviously I know this is not the case and he is simply causing conflict to try to get away from paying a bill, still it bothered me that money again was at the root of such a bad situation.....it reinforced my dislike of money, feeling judged by my request to have a bill paid.

This made me go inside and really look at what my issues with it are, it has always represented conflict of some sort, in my early life with my parents, with extended family it created divides that even though it was a generation ago it still carries through to mine....I saw it rip apart my family in more ways than one. I also saw those that were innocent carry the heavy burden of rebuilding while the ones that were actually greedy walked away with no responsibility. These were early childhood lessons.....I know I work for myself because I watched my father work for himself for years....his way always..... he worked hard but he never gave up, so when I feel like I am going to I remember him and I gain the strength I need to keep going. In my first marriage money was something that caused huge divides, in the beginning there was tons of it, I used it quite liberally to cover up the emptiness that I carried....totally shut off from anything spiritual and a deck of cards that I kept hidden in a drawer, my soul was dying so I bought stuff...not particularly important stuff but just stuff.....I had my nails done, the perfect outfits with matching shoes, and I hated myself and with every dollar I spent I hated myself even more.....I walked away from all that after years of abuse....I have worked on myself, been honest with myself and taken stock of where I was and where I never wanted to be again, the road to healing was there ahead and I took it...but my dislike of money was only reinforced when it became a reality to be a single mom with 3 kids....yes my parents helped but for those that know the truth they helped more with one child I had 3 and a whole life of my own.....then I met my old guy and between us we did the best we could for our combined family of 6 kids....some don't think so but hell they are still young we will see how they feel when they are a little more seasoned by life.....I love my family, my kids, our life together and all that I have lived since the day I decided to stop dying inside and chose life....none of this though helped my dislike of money, I simply traded a more comfortable life with it for a harder existence that nourished my soul rather than lined my bank account...but in everything even money balance is needed and well that I still have not achieved, and that of course is down to me.

Money has always been used as a tool against me in some form or another, either because I had it and someone wanted it, even though they didn't have to take it as I shared liberally they most times still did it underhanded OR I needed it they had it and wouldn't help....no matter how I cut it I have had more bad feelings connected to money than good ones...pain, heartache, discord, jealousy and even destruction of a family from the inside out.....more I thought of it more I realized that this dislike pushed me into poverty.....circumstances helped of course, my health sucks, work dried up and we have moved cross country twice in 5 years....once going to all we had left and another going back to try to rebuild a life outside of poverty.....greedy? no...realistic yes, patient yes, clear yes, but greedy no...there is nothing greedy about wanting to be paid for services rendered...there is nothing greedy about not wanting to live on your knees either....my relationship with money though now will have to change, thankfully his words made me evaluate and search my soul about it, reaffirming my positive feelings about it will be the order of business for me....we will survive his underhandedness, my little shop will keep going and putting food where it needs to be and the lights will stay on, I won't give up and I won't let the words of a spiteful deadbeat bother me too much, it was those words that made me consider my issues with money.....

As I wrote this I came to my largest realization of all, I do not have this issue when it comes to money and the services I provide or the creations that I birth through Witch's Chamber....I feel rather loved, supported and respected within my magical life and that extends to money as well...now to make that relationship seep into the other more mundane aspects of my life....and once again it is down to magic to heal another side of me....the Dark Moon cometh, the Solar Eclipse to follow on the New Moon...the time of release and change is upon us, I will be releasing these feelings of lack, pain, and the shame of poverty and money behind me....what will you be releasing at the Dark Moon and Solar Eclipse?

My Shield of Compassion

A couple of days ago I wrote a blog that....well it was difficult for me to do this....write about the indignation, anger and revulsion I had at that moment gotten to with all the ridiculous childish behaviour of so many witches on Facebook. I spewed it all, all that venom is now gone. I have spent today going through the comments on both the blog and the Facebook page, the responses were strong, supportive and loving but the undercurrent is a sad one, one that is so clear that so many of us fight daily for one of the simplest things of all, just to be ourselves. It made me sit back and think on my life, and as always when I reach the point of having a total explosion of anger over something so decidely unfair and malicious, the unavoidable empath in me feels the sadness of the world on her shoulders.

I have fought my entire life, for everything from the first breath to now. Life has never dealt me an easy hand, but I keep going. I have fought illness, both physical and mental and am left with a damaged body to function with. I have lived through abuse of all forms, the physical of which has contributed to the everyday issues I have, the emotional, mental and sexual abuse of course at times contributes its own demons, I kept going and I think that is when I developed a strong outer exterior, the Gods know before that I wore my heart on my sleeve, then one day I woke up and decided no one sees me cry, no one sees me fall apart, I stand strong against all that life brings forth, I defend all that I love, never caring or worrying about what will be of me. I have stood against men that would have loved to see me fall and women that plotted with them to make it happen, and still no one ever saw me cry or knew I was even remotely scared. Was I? well of course I am by no means superhuman but there is this vein in me that refuses to allow those that tried to hurt me or those I love see what they did to the heart inside the core, for their trouble they were served up strength, defense and protection from them; all fueled by an inner anger against all that is unfair. All this remembering though brings with it it's own pitfalls, not sure if this is the same for other empaths but for me it causes me to re-feel all those feelings, all those instances.

Women, we have all fought so hard for our lives, since the beginning of time, against others and from within, women pitted against each other, it is so very sad that those that fight many of the same battles choose to forget the struggles of their own, stepping on each other to reach the top of the heap and wear a crown of crap. As I started to feel the anger well up in me again at the unfairness of it all at first I was disappointed in my own feeling of anger, fearing that this is what happens to me now after all these years, my armor goes up and that made me sad....then I felt a strong voice inside me say NO follow the anger, so I allowed myself to ride the energy until in all those thoughts, after every twist and turn it took me to a curious realization....I am very defensive of those I love, the anger is the shield I cloak myself in to protect them, it is not who I am....come at me with anger and I will meet you with such fury you will be shocked, the harder you are to me the harder you will feel me be to you...there is only one way to disarm me, and it is a very simple one, one that others seem to never grasp....the only way to disarm me is kindness, plain and simple.....I have spent so much time fighting for my right to live that the only way to make me drop my harder exterior shell is to show kindness, not necessarily to me but to anyone, any display of kindness and I will openly cry, overcome with emotion for the humanity of a simple kindness or a loving word...in all my hardness, in all I have swallowed through the years and fought to uphold I have NEVER not had a word of kindness, a helping hand and a shoulder for someone to lean on....rather than judge I try to understand, place myself in their shoes and to walk alongside them.....it really becomes an eye opener when you do that.

When I sit and think of the overwhelming love and compassion I feel for those that reach out to me daily, I wish I could find a way to help you all and myself, make this place a fairer world, one that recognized the beauty in us all, I wish I could fix the wrongs and make them never happen again....and most of all I wish it was a world filled with kindness. A world where the ego of another never hurt you, where they were able to put you before themselves, maybe a world where we were really our brother's and sister's keepers....I know so very pollyanna of me...well then I guess I am guilty but wouldn't it be such a wonderful world if we all found a way to help each other rather than hinder? where we all felt protected, loved and supported by each other....I know we can't have it all, but we can try in our own ways be kinder, more loving and compassionate for each other...you want to disarm me that is it right there....be kind.....fill your own circles with love, support and compassion. Help those that come your way, sometimes you have no idea how much you can save someone just by showing you care.

We are all witches, now be kind, be compassionate and be human as well.

Facebook Witch Trials

What is wrong with us? There was a time when I was proud of being a Pagan, even a Wiccan at one point, and most definitely being a Witch. I believed that we were not judgemental, we stood up for what was right even if it was unpopular and above all else we didn't gossip about each other like school children in the hall. I used to believe being Pagan meant something about our own morality. I realize now it was my big old eyes glazing over and thinking being a Witch meant something to everyone...sadly the exploits of the last 3 months or so have pounded that last nail into the coffin....these things do not mean the same to everyone within our world....and it is a sad day for those that finally have to admit that to themselves.

Witch is no longer a word that means a Wise One, no it is a word by which many hide behind, claiming to all that will listen that they are Witches, as they lie, cheat and steal from each other. Leaving behind the idea of being original, creative with their own energy they rip off each others art, spells and even teachings....what the fuck is wrong with you????!!!!??? Others go around professing their witchiness as they keep pumping out pop culture witch products that have little to no magic in them or about them but are simply their method of keeping food on their table, not that there is anything wrong with it but for fuck's sake admit what you do, that you do not really believe what you spew and the only reason that you act so nice to everyone is to keep your sales up as you "network" you may think you are fooling many but the Gods they are watching; and they don't fall for the witchy rhetoric you spew as you chase the almighty buck. Witch used to mean so much, it was respected and even feared but now with all the antics of those that use the title when they shouldn't it is becoming a word of ridicule, jokes and for me it is very sad to watch. There are many of us that watch this in horror all around us, even happening to us as one witch attack or another happens.....did you not know that the big witch pages on Facebook call on their followers to attack others that might call their actions to the light? the ones that might actually try to do things right, you know those ones that refuse to bend to what they do not feel is right, yea those ones; like me they get attacked consistently, not with spells or witchcraft but gossip, nastiness and stalkers that visit our pages both personal and public and leave nasty messages, threats and comments about how we should leave their mentors alone....mentors, high priestess' are you fucken serious? if any of you believe that those people who are inciting witch attacks are actual witches then I genuinely feel sorry for you....Next we come to the Wiccans, when did Witchcraft and Wiccan become the same thing? never in my life have I thought that they were one and the same so it confuses me how anyone that follows a Wiccan path can ever think that their way is the only way, the only path, it is but one path up the mountain. If you honestly think that being Wiccan makes you superior in some way, well then I fear you will come to learn the ridiculousness of your thought.....DO NOT JUDGE! realize instead that we all follow the path we choose and what calls to us, not all witches are wiccans and not all wiccans are witches.....chew on that for minute and let it sink in.......these are not the actions of a Witch, these are the actions of cowards hiding behind the title hoping it still incites some sort of fear....to you I say this SHAME ON YOU! you literally disgust me and the bile rises whenever I happen to see one of your newest attacks or witch hunts.....all I can comfort myself with is that the ground work you lay for others today will be your self fulfilling prophecy of tomorrow...be careful with your words, their sweetness may sour quickly when you are forced to eat them.

I live, breathe, sleep and eat witchcraft, I am Witch, I am no better or worse than anyone else, I am simply better than I was yesterday, I judge no one for their spiritual path, I hurt no one unless they try to hurt me first and I protect those I love to the ends of time, these are simple words from a simple old witch, when I was a solitary witch I longed for companionship and a way to connect with others, sadly now that I have sampled so many of those connections I have come to crave my solitary life. I share my spells and I keep others to myself, I share my love of Yemaya daily, I share my devotion to the Gods, but I never think that I am more than them, I rise through them.....I wonder sometimes where the respect has gone? maybe I am a creature of a distant time one that won't come back but I hope not, I hope that some how these words, my path and my page will have an impact, somehow it will make it better for someone else that is facing these witch attacks these days like I do.....maybe somehow our community as a whole will recognize that we do not need to fear the ones outside of us, no we have to fear the ones within our own community......they are the ones pointing fingers and accusing the innocents, while they hide their own misdeeds....these thoughts should literally chill you to the bone.

I point all your fingers right back at you, and these are the words that I am throwing to the winds in the cycle of this Full Moon

To cause no harm nor return on me
As I so will So Mote it be

With Full Moon comes Full Release

Even as a kid I knew the best way to deal with a band aid was to rip it right off, even though sometimes you are almost afraid of showing the wound underneath sometimes they need air, need to be exposed so that they can heal properly. This is such the same as my health, I let people in a bit at a time and I share what it is like to live like me, but many times all I show is the edges around that band aid that remains firmly in place, forever hiding the wound. Today things have changed, both physically and emotionally all wounds need to be exposed, examined and cleared so that there can be continued growth. 

I have spent some time looking at these wounds, and have dug down deep into the layers of me right to the core and I am not surprised to see that at the root of it all is the deepest fear of never being enough. Never good enough, smart enough, thin enough, beautiful enough or anything enough. These fears started as a child when I struggled to please those around me always feeling that I fell just short of what was needed, and later reinforced in my relationships with men, where one after another they cheated on me and drove home the point of never being enough. It has been the largest hurt in my life to have felt that way for so many years, it truly coloured every moment of my life, and every decision for many years. Is it possible that I have been carrying this around with me for many lifetimes? that I have agreed to carry this into all my other lifetimes because of a feeling of guilt in one? sometimes I almost can see those connections as they materialise in my dreams and I experience one or another of those relationships that I can almost remember fully in the moments before the Sun rises. Today I release all those agreements, those feelings and the guilt of having let others down in this life and others....I have told my kids for years that guilt is such a useless emotion, it holds you back and keeps you from seeing clearly what you need in life and what you don't.....turn guilt into a lesson learned and move along trying your best not to hurt yourself or others along the way, and that is what I am doing today. I release all of this and ask my Gods and guides for healing. I renounce all my fears of success, of letting others see me for who I am. I accept my light and allow others to see it. 

My health has suffered for years because of all this I have held in, some will never be better, I will always have issues with my digestion, unable to sit up to eat to a certain degree....I will forever have a very limited diet as to what I can and can't eat......I will never live without pain in one form or another due to damage and degradation of joints....I will forever live in pain...I will battle mental health issues with panic....these are all simple realities for me, but I will continue to keep fighting back and getting up daily...moving forward and not giving up....I think it is the one thing in life that I have never figured out how to do yet, lay down and die.....one foot in front of the other, trudging through it all I will keep going. I write this today just because I feel it is time to admit to all I live through, the limitations, the mental health side of it all and the physical realities I deal with daily. Some would think that after all of that you would think that I spend most days in bed, and I probably should but I don't, daily I get up I create, I clean, I teach my little man in our little homeschool environment, I cook, I go to my moms every other day at a minimum to take her out to town, I care for my husband's needs and then ultimately I socialize with all of those on my Facebook page and my personal page....this makes up my days and nights. I take heat for my online life, and the amount of time I put into my page and my little business on Etsy, not from those that live with me actually but from some of my detractors online, and there are many....other witch pages that I have refused to play nice with for the sake of networking my wares, that will once again wage war on me for mentioning it, even though that are those on my page that are well aware of these tactics as they have faced them themselves with me....I carry the weight of my world literally on my shoulders but I keep trudging on. and I always will.....I release all of that as well.....May the Gods relieve me of the buckling weight of the judgments of mortals. 

So much release for me with this Full Moon, some might think it is not the right time at this stage of the Moon but for me it is perfect timing....the healing I require is so grand and over the top that only a Full Moon release could do it for me I feel and so that would be why someone was guided to me to start working on me from a distance with intuitive healing to help me to see all of this. On one of those days where I did a card drawing on the page I was sent a message that changed so many things for me, Dawn is a wonderful healer with magical energy, she has done so much for me in the two treatments she has given me that I was able to share all of this without the normal panic that would set in to let others see the reality of my life, if you have not had the pleasure to make the acquaintance of her page please check it out on Facebook, Good Vibrations - A New Dawn, she is wonderful! I will gladly be accepting any more healing she is willing to send my way, keeping in mind that the visitors she had because of working on me demanded cake and carnations, a truly magical experience for me. 

Blessings all, I hope you too are feeling relieved, refreshed and released from old burdens, bindings and beliefs that no longer served by the majesty of this Full Wolf Moon. 

much love

Tess 

Acceptance, Love and my Shadow

There are moments in life that change our perception of all that is around us, all that is in us and all that remains for us in the years to come. In every persons life comes a moment that we realize that all those dreams we had as a child have now passed, things have changed and there may not be as many years left to experience all the things we have forgotten we wanted to do, our so called bucket list. There are books, movies, discussion groups and all other avenues of support for this moment but yet when it comes it is a very personal moment, one not many of us share, one that pulls us within ourselves and makes us take a hard look at our lives, each and every minute of it, good, bad and ugly. I have been doing that it appears for a long time now, the last year has been one of such transition and change both geographically and emotionally that it is very hard not to see things through different eyes, in fact every time I turn around there is a new realization, in fact my sister April asked the other day if that was what was going on with me and I had to admit that yes, just like an onion I had found more layers to myself as I started to peel back all that I thought I knew, there was more, lots more that I had shelved and refused to admit or see, that shadow forever lurking.

As I started this process some years ago of looking and being honest about myself I was afraid of looking too deeply, admitting too much and letting others in ~ that is the worst part for me, but I did it....I opened the blinds looked in and admitted that I have a very dark shadow side, for many years I felt more comfortable in that space because it meant I did not have to let anyone in to know the true state of my life. I did not always make the best choices, I didn't always do the right thing for me or others, and yes I did some crappy things at times, like most others that have a chapter in their lives they don't discuss or admit to, for me that does not work...I cannot heal, move forward and grow without admitting where I feel that I could have done more, been more or wanted better for me and others. yes I can be pretty hard on myself and that was one of the things I had to learn to stop doing.....afterall if I could not love myself how could I expect anyone else to love me? Now as I approach my Crone years I see much clearer that all I am is a product of all I have lived through.....whether I handled the situations I lived in the best ways or not it all pushed me to become who I am now......I did not like myself then.....but I love myself now. It saddens me that it took me so long to accept and love myself, I have missed out on so many years of love and kindness that I could have given myself, improved so much for my life but I could not see how important that was....and I have also come to realize that if I am not vigilant in my love of self now that I will allow others to tamper with that, skew my perceptions of who I am and what value, qualities and energy I bring to the table of life. Being Pagan was something that when I was much more naive I thought meant that everyone you meet is so great, honest and straightforward because well they are Pagan, NOT TRUE! people are people no matter what path they follow or God or Goddess they call to, they are people, some who understand their shadow sides and others that hide from them for a variety of reasons.....some for the same reasons as me, lacking in self love, self acceptance, self realization and overall lack of SELF knowledge leads us to make very bad decisions and walk harder paths.....that has been my life, and I am ok with that....but I admit I am damaged, I have panic issues, depression and I seem to search out those that will inevitably prove to me that in their eyes my worth is tied to how much money I have or can provide them......that is not the truth, that is simply their perception of what is important to them.

Poverty may be a hard mistress, but people are worse.......I chose this life for myself, it hasn't been easy, it has been downright heartbreaking at times but yet it is a beautiful life I have built, filled with magic, love and moments that have taken my breath away....I have come to understand that prosperity means different things to each of us, my magic craved the love, the people connection and the beauty of a family....I have that so in many ways I am a very successful witch as I have managed to create the life I dreamed of as a child, it's not perfect but it is mine......I have more growth to live through and embrace, some will be hard, some will be liberating and wonderful......and such is life, the years of my youth are gone but the truth of the Crone burns bright in me and won't be silenced as I embrace that child in my heart that was so damaged by this world, I will be gentle with myself and I will keep trudging at times on my path and at others skipping happily along as if the years had not passed at all....happily bending my wire as it helps me to focus and see things much more clearly around me, every bend a new meditation and realization......me and my damaged soul will keep growing......keep loving and nurturing my heart and the heart of those that are in my life, striving to be better than I was yesterday but realizing that I am no better than anyone else walking this path.....giving of myself to those that cross my path in honesty, sincerity and love.

Yes I am damaged but I am ok with that.......are you?

Blessings to you all!