As the Whistle blows

When I hear that whistle blowing, I hang my head and cry ~ Johnny Cash, Foulsom Prison Blues

At the top of our road, here in this place of coldness that we have decided to leave come the spring, the train goes by, it is 9kms up my road, but yet I can still hear that whistle blow, and when it does the line from that song replays in my head and many times I do hang my head and cry.  

It is in those moments that the crushing loneliness of this place, and these people hits home and makes my heart feel like it will explode from the pressure and then the only thing I can do is allow the tears to flow as I go about my day, cooking, cleaning and cleansing as the tears just roll.  It makes me wonder how anyone that has ever moved away from their family handled the pain, for me it is only intensifying the longer it is since I have seen them.  My kids, my heart....and I had to leave them behind as much for me as for them.  They are not little ones, that one is with me, they are the older ones, that were trying to start their own lives.....somehow I thought it would be easier than this.  The wonderful invention of the internet meant that we could talk to each other everyday, but it has become not enough, life gets in the way, and some moments just cannot be captured on facebook, some conversations become difficult and well hurt adds to the loneliness.

Yesterday was a particularly bad day for me, the day before started the wonderful rolling ball that just was too much......flashbacks to a time when a man standing behind me was a bad thing, moments in time that somehow intertwined with my current reality, in a flash I turned around and hauled off and yep hit him in the chest, instantly snapping back to this moment and seeing the eyes on my husband who suddenly realized that inadvertently he had brought back some long hidden memory of abuse.....I am such a lucky witch that he understood, that he forgave me and held me while I cried in his arms, the arms that make me feel safe and protected.....I cried for hours as much because of my own feelings of guilt having done that to him as the memory it invoked.  Some things are just so much better remaining hidden in the recess' of my mind.  

This snowball of pain and release continued, when trying to speak to one of those children that I miss so much my words were not heard in the way they were typed, at first hurt and angry at my child I walked away from my computer frustrated....then I had to stop and think and the more I did, the more I realized I have caused this situation......she reacted to who I was when I left Ontario, when I walked away because I could not deal with all the pain there anymore....when I could not deal with who I had become since my father passed.  I was a tired, angry, I should say very angry mess.....when he died I suddenly took over all his responsibilities as well as my own, and within 7 months also a new baby to raise, this all combined for a very exhausted and tired me.....the more things changed around me, with my father gone my mother relied even more heavily on me as did some of my adult children, the more they did the more I had to bury my pain and fears, the angrier I became....it basically got to a point that in order to function I had to steel my will and keep going, it meant there weren't many smiles, not alot of tenderness and a whole lot of feeling in constant defence of me and all of them against everyone else......of course to a certain extent I had become a type of orphan of sorts....my fathers family really well pulled away, now that he was gone they didn't have to pretend to care or extend themselves out of their own comfort zones.....and by no means did anyone even notice the pain I was in......there is obviously still anger for me over this subject, not making excuses for myself just recognizing it for what it is.........

Now almost 4 years later in this place, everyday as that train whistle blows I am not the same person I was when I left.....I have let the defences down here, there is nothing but us here, there is no outside love, or familial circle that we are a part of, truth is we don't fit in here.......it is akin to visiting a place in another time from your own, like when we drove through Quebec and entered New Brunswick we passed through some invisible time line that took us back about 25yrs by Ontario standards.....people like me don't fit in and are seen as evil just by drawing our own breath.....it has given me lots of time to look at myself clearly and see my own faults, crushing loneliness can do that to a person....I spend alot of time talking about how I was abused, well this time has taught me how even though I tried I failed to a certain extent to not pass down some of that.....I am so sorry that I wasn't more aware and didn't see what I was doing then, I do now and I am very very sorry.

I wish for all those that I hurt peace, healing and love....someday for me when that whistle blows I hope to not feel this way....but then again I won't be listening to it very much longer, our days in this place and house are numbered.....anger, hurt, abuse and heartbreak have not been my friends but they were my companions for the majority of my life, but as my husband says the years without them are slowly gaining and will eventually overtake them, hopefully then the flashbacks to those moments will end and then can be replaced with flashbacks to happy moments....A witch can always hope....

The Sting of Betrayal

How do you ever come back from betrayal?

Even now as I sit and start to write this entry, the backspace key becomes my best friend.  Write a line, erase it, start again and it repeats.  Yes I have been betrayed, it is nothing new it has been the path of my life. One after another, each one for different reasons so they state but the reality is the energy, the pain, anger, humiliation and eventual acceptance and moving on are all the same.  My story is not so different from others that I have listened to or observed over the years, with me it is only more difficult because I always know it is coming, and yet I charge ahead anyway, for some reason there is a part of me that won`t walk away until the other person has done it completely.  I have been struggling with this realization and why I do this for some time, part of me wondered if I was acting like the rubber neckers on the highways that can`t seem to stop looking at that train wreck on the other side until they actually crash into someone else or if there was a larger reason that I allow this behaviour to continue.  You may think that statement of "I allow" is a bit grand or over the top like I have some control over this but yes ultimately I do, and yet I don't change and I keep going and allowing it over and over, why?

Am I just one of those people that enjoys being hurt? well no, I can honestly tell you that I do not enjoy being hurt, feeling like my heart has been ripped out and stomped on is not one of my things to aspire to, but yet I probably face it more than anyone I know, and most times in almost virtual silence.  Part of me thinks I learn something from each incident, promising myself that next time I won't let one of "those" types in again, but then well it happens again.  This last time was particularly difficult and enlightening at the same time, it came about in the same way, someone that on the surface appears honest, strong, believable and in the end showed the same cracks in their foundation leading to the ultimate moment of betrayal, the difference this time was my reaction.  I didn't dwell on the actual situation or the person for that matter, it really was different.....that lack of reaction actually alarmed me.  I started to wonder if I had somehow reached a point of climitization of a sort, a very strange term in this kind of situation but yet it makes sense in my mother tongue.....that scared me, had I finally reached the point where my heart could not feel the loss of another person in my life and was I now facing an odd kind of coldness in it's place? this is the question I have been grappling with for the last month.

I had to look deep, be honest with myself, and admit yes a part of me had reached a level of acceptance in this path of mine, I will run into many that will betray me, it is not really my karma or whatever else you want to call it, it is theirs.......after all these years and the constant hardships and realities I have faced I have learnt to stand strong no matter what, I do not feel ashamed of this, I know they come into my life, I know I give loyalty, friendship and honesty and I know also that their own ability to either face that in themselves or run from their own reflection will be their deciding factor in their crossroads with me, betrayal or loyalty......  Believe it or not with me there is always hope after betrayal, some of my closest relationships have endured and been strengthened by the ensuing healing, but that is something that both parties must be willing to participate openly and honestly in......not a task for the weak hearted......call me whatever you want for knowing this simple truth about myself and part of my purpose here on this earth, judge me if you will, those that get close enough and pass the test know the truth....in the end with me it always ends the same way either you show the beauty that radiates from within or you walk off holding onto your shadow tighter than you did when you met me....go in love, one day you will walk my path, one day you will feel the weight of responsibility on your own chest, I pray for you now and then......

This was my let go moment, my truth, my release.......I will deal more with betrayal at different levels of relationship but for now this is enough......Blessed Friday the 13th for allowing this release in me....Blessings to the Divine energy that flows through me and in all of us....and Blessings to you for reading this and being a part of my life.....Blessed Be.

Generations, Strands and Money

When I was a child, years ago, like everyone else I learnt my lessons, it has come to my attention that I learnt them so well they have embedded themselves into every aspect of my relationship life....my relationships with friends, with lovers and even with my own self. This lesson involved abandonment, abuse, neglect, anger, envy and has plagued every moment of my adult life.  This lesson was about abundance, money, luxuries and necessities.  Now a little while back I asked for the hidden to be seen, little did I know when I asked that the blinders would be ripped off so cleanly that I would be able to see myself so clearly as well, it has been such an enlightening experience to see my own motives reasons and even my own shadows.  My largest and most sinister shadow ~ money, abundance, wealth.

This goes far, deep back into the mind of the little girl, there she is, an only child very alone, I had a great longing for friendship and for love, my father my only friend for as long as I could remember had to work at times day and night, for me as a child I saw there was always money around, always the fridge was stocked, we really didn't want for much it seemed to me as a child, except that I missed my father.  I felt abandoned, alone, like I could melt into the ground and no one would miss me....they wouldn't even notice I was gone, so I learnt to do just that, shelter, go deep, melt into the walls almost so that I am there and I can see you but you can't see me unless I want you to....I didn't do this to separate myself, I did this to protect myself, to go deep in leaves little room for hurt to find its way through all those layers.  The other side of that whole time is that for me that abundance he was creating by his absence meant that there was more abuse, anger and envy.....there were also horrible arguments I watched as a child, always the end result of the money.....never really explained to me what part of the money just that it was due to money.....so I would pull away, go deep in my shell and watch and wait for it all to go wrong again.

It has been a vicious cycle that I have replayed in each of my adult love relationships, worked so hard to get something to the brink of greatness, a future a way forward with some security and I have always pulled away, stopped it shrunk back into myself and blamed something else.....being a witch truthfully its not that hard to manifest the simplest things into large things that make everything go wrong....yes I am admitting that I have drawn to myself all the bad things that have happened to me, every bit of misery in the financial and abundance department of my life has been my fault.  Based on my fears and my false perceptions of a child looking at a deeply dysfunctional relationship and finding it sound, of course their arguments weren't always about the lack of money or the having of money, as an adult, mother and wife now I understand that they argued about many things.....I know now the abundance we had was because my father gave of himself completely to the family, because he didn't do boys night or parties, but he worked that way because he had to.....it doesn't change the fact that as a little girl I felt abandoned, and I was abused in those periods, this was later replayed in my relationship with my first husband.  Just like my childhood in the moments of the lack of money it seemed the bonds were stronger, we spent more time together, we talked more....we dreamt more together of a future that was bright with our children......there was no money, no distraction only me....was this healthy? hell no! back then it was what we both knew, I wanted freedom on my own terms he wanted mommy.  We were together so long because we were young and stupid, we had money; we spent every last bit of it, we lived like we had not lived before.......but the love it slowly died, there were distractions, and things to do that didn't involve each other, friends that pulled us away from each other.....the money flowed the abundance was wonderful.....there were periods in that relationship that were beautiful and kind and precious, they were when things were low; funds, me physically and emotionally exhausted, in those moments him without his distractions me I found that loving place........it all went to reinforcing the abundance brings abandonment and abuse with it.......when that relationship ended I left with nothing except my disgust of money.

My next relationship brings me to my husband, and yes that lesson has been reinforced in this relationship as well......first a glimpse into how the strands have connected for me to see so clearly into this aspect of myself....while preparing for a bath yesterday a section of a comment made by a wonderful sister of mine came to mind and before I could think much of it I could feel the vision of her and I sitting on a patio with golden stone and much greenery....she was asking me why I held back my own abundance, what is it that I found so offensive about money that I self sabotage myself each moment that I should be growing forward on....well at first truthfully I um well I tried to evade her question and told her it wasn't possible that I was doing this to myself, it must be some curse on me, that's it it's a curse from my mother! well she raised an eyebrow at me and yes well with a few words it all hit me, wave after wave of connections, all of a sudden I could see each strand that connected one relationship to the other, the moments that the lesson began in each of them again, along with the exact moment that I chose not to see the pattern......yes I am the cause of my own issues with money......I have allowed my energy to repulse it, shove it away, send it elsewhere because with it comes heartache, pain, misery and loneliness.....I have been my own worst enemy in this fight......and yes even in this relationship this lesson was reinforced, in a different way but well that is for the book.......

I wrestled with this revelation all night, old conversations and the moments the blocks were placed in the way of that energy flow suddenly so evident to me......I knew and know this is something I need to let go of, the relationships that did not survive the moments of abundance died because they were fundamentally toxic, hurtful and just not for me........not because of the money itself but the people involved.....this still left me back at the hardest thing for me to do ever! admitting that yes I want that abundance, yes I want to experience it this time with no fears of it destroying what we have....

Yes I want to release myself and my family from the agonies of poverty once and for all, yes I realize this makes me vulnerable, yes I do realize the book makes me vulnerable to the extreme......yes I am ready for that, the key for me is that this is no longer just about me.....I am not that little girl anymore, and the eyes well now they see across generational patterns rather than just my own......that makes me strong......

The Cracked Cauldron Chronicles

A very long time ago, when I was fairly young I think it had to be about 9, it was deep in the 70's when I think back to what I was wearing, all collars and bell bottom pants.....anyway point of this is I remember my father taking me to a person, I seem to remember a male figure and he was some kind of spiritualist.....I remember he laid his hands on my head, something I was so not sure of and I looked alarmed at my dad who shoosed me and told me it was ok.....after some time I remember being asked to sit while he spoke to my dad, I was young so I was not that interested in what they were discussing and caught only a small sentence that has stuck with me all these years....."she is walking through a very dark tunnel towards the light....." I have thought about that moment often, usually when it is a particularly difficult time in my life.....I think it predisposed me to feeling that dark is bad, that somehow I was shrouded in bad things, bad ways, bad gifts, so I lived it and shielded myself so that never again could anyone see into me.

I find it amazing how our minds can control every aspect of our lives if we allow it, in fact it will even shut out our hearts, I did for long stretches of time.  Every time I took a job out in the "real" world, let myself integrate into society and become a drone, this by no means is an insult to anyone else....we all do what we want with our lives, for me I wasn't doing what I wanted, no I was doing the exact opposite.....shutting things down, putting things away and living life blind, without my senses, because opening them up meant opening up my heart....this was not something I wanted to do anymore.  As a child I apologized to everyone when they were hurt by others, constantly, even then I never understood why but when I saw someone hurt, physically or emotionally it was like I could feel it so strongly in my own heart that it brought me to tears....I cried alot as a child, more from the pain I felt from others than what I was living through.....I found a way to survive by always feeling everyone else's pain, it kept me from feeling my own.  Little did I know then that my little heart was the heart of an empath.....truth is I am an Empath, a Medium, I communicate with animals and the natural world....I see the strands that connect everything and everyone, I always have.....because of fear I did not allow myself to open fully to any of these gifts though.  You learn as a child when you extend yourself and get your fingers slapped often enough to stop extending.  I have fought and fought that, a virtual war raged within my body....my mind told me to stop, shield, don't show who you are....my heart fills and tells me NO! you can't close out and shut down, I won't let you......it came to me  a while ago the truth is I kept myself so busy so that I could not have to make that choice.....it was easier to wrap myself in the pain, fear and anger than to keep going forward.  Easy has never sat well with me, thankfully.

The integration finally came, not long ago as I have discussed before but like any life changing, eye opening event I am still feeling the differences.....checking the air pockets as I learn to ride the currents without having to over exert myself and flap furiously, I learn so much from the Eagles that have become my visitors.  It has been such an amazing experience to now look at my life through my new eyes....to understand my choices, even see where it connects with places that yes I judged someone  else's actions in my life, dooming myself to live their path for that moment so I could understand....I have learnt the hard way not to judge, when my humanness sneaks in I remind myself again not to judge we all are fighting our own battles.  Some say that I must have lost my mind, finally unhinged myself to suddenly think that I might have something to share, growth and messages to deliver to others, after all what gives me the right after all I have publicly gone through, the moments of madness and sheer fear from the pressure around me, fear that I would crumble and that the last straw would come and I would give up......I offer this simple fact to all of those that think that, by the sheer virtue of what I have lived, the strength it took to keep going, even when on auto pilot the point is I am still here, a little older around the edges, eyes look a little different, but I am still standing, heart is fully open now....that is why I know I have a story to tell, a path to share and hope to give to those that live through the same things I have and to those that don't then maybe a simple story of life as seen through my eyes.

I learnt to love myself, I finally turned those eyes to me, but I have said this before, although it never gets old, nothing changed in my life, I did not change until I learnt to love myself, in all my imperfectness....in all my moments of insanity, I learnt to love every bit of me, and know myself quite well.  Then the test for me came, I am after all a Libra and for me to satisfy both sides of my scale yes I needed to be read.....now I have been read quite a few times through the years, the readings although always good never touched on any of my own inner qualities or the gifts that I had long placed behind my own iron curtain......not the fault of any of the very talented readers that have honored me with their gifts, seriously I hope they understand that.....this time I let the curtain down, well actually incinerated it when the integration happened, so I sat and waited for the words to come from Diane.......I sat in stunned silence staring at the words she was writing to me, never have I been seen so clearly, so openly, and so honestly to my core she saw.....my eyes were opened even further last night....I saw myself through her eyes....it reinforced what I already knew all that pain, all the experiences they were necessary so that I could live through the dark and not allow it to scare me any further, it is not who I am it is a PART of who I am.....I know what I am capable of, and what I am NOT capable of.....I consider myself a lucky woman as I approach the station of Crone....I have the added energy of being Mother and Crone at the same time.....again when have I ever liked it easy!

So some will shake their heads, others will say "pfft she will never get anywhere" I say pfft, for all those that don't believe there will be those that will rejoice with me, grow with me and step along with me on this path of enlightenment, this path of growth and moving forward, leaving our fears behind and knowing that we hold the ability to create our own lives.....anyone that thinks this is about anything else for me needs to look within their own heart and be honest with themselves about where their darkness and fear of it lays....

This now is the crook in the road to the path of the Cracked Cauldron and all it's many gifts of self.......

Differences are good!

Write.....delete....write.....delete and so on and so on, for the last 24hrs this has been what I have done.  How do I follow up the last post? especially since it seemed to have offended some, irritated others and well I guess released some and gave them a glimpse that someone else was feeling the way they were too.  Funny isn't it? when you find your voice and speak your truth you are always offending someone, why is that? and what I would really like to know is where this measuring stick came from that when someone moves on in their path it seems to make others poke holes at their growth? it sure does seem to me to reek of ego......

I am pretty quiet and stay out of the way alot of the time, I reach out to those that I am guided to, my friends list probably reads like who not to invite to dinner all on the same night, but that is part of what works for me in this life....the differences are what make us whole, if we were all the same this world would be a boring, worthless existence.  It reminds me of a story, actually a play I watched in grade school...I was pretty young when I remember because the younger children got to sit up near the front back in the days of sitting crosslegged on the floor in the big classroom aka the jr kindergarten room, it was so exciting it was a play about Christmas.  It was called the 365 days of Christmas, I never forgot the title and I never forgot the play.  As it started off the characters were waking up on Christmas morning all excited to get their presents, rushing to the tree excitedly ripping off the paper and showing each other, us little people in the audience loved it, but then the next morning came on the stage and they did it again, still happiness just a bit less excitement, by the 10th time there were moans and groans about opening it, about the gift itself and you can just imagine it got worse and worse as the play dragged on......I never forgot that, I think it must be one of the earliest lessons I acknowledged and learnt at the instant it was presented.  I want the differences, the cycles, the excitement of the variety of perspectives, thoughts and beliefs.  I love a good debate! it stimulates the mind and keeps me young!

I sometimes laugh when someone says something along the lines of how naive I am being just a simple old country bumpkin witch, truth be told I grew up in downtown Toronto in the 70's and 80's, in the inner city not the suburbs....those days I walked through laneways with keys laced through my fingers, I never looked down but made eye contact with everyone, head held high you never showed an ounce of fear, those are the places I come from....my highschool was in one of the toughest areas at Jameson and Queen, and even in all the things we saw there I never ever remember looking at anyone and disliking them based on their belief system, the color of their skin, or their nationality and really none of us were the same we were all different. If we spent more time getting to know the differences, understanding what makes us all tick and honoring it whether it is your belief or not really does not matter, what matters is respect.  Maybe that is what I think is missing in this world now, respect.

Pagans say that the Christians took parts of their religion and adopted the stories and changed them to be their own, but then in the same breath some will say that the Christian idea of God does not exist so how can both be true? If they did appropriate the stories then does by that simple fact it not mean that the Christian idea of God does exist albeit in the Pagan's views? why do we have to fight about whether their God or anyone else's God or Goddess exists? I just don't understand and we cannot say that all this anger, frustration and religious fighting is coming from only the Christian side, it isn't.....the sad truth is that even within inner circles everyday people do this to each other Pagan and otherwise, I used Christian's as an example in this but it happens with other religions as well.....my problem with Pagans stems from the fact that I guess I expect more from evolved people, spiritual people, am I expecting too much?  If I say thank God will I hear someone tell me that I am using the term incorrectly? will someone else contact me to let me know that I used a solely male term and forgot the female in that? will I offend someone if I claim to have a personal relationship with a Divinity that they may also have a connection with? so should I prepare for the onslaught from those that I offended the other day when I said that for me I knew who my mentors were? does that mean that I was putting down all the others that have worked hard in their way for their own growth? hell no! there is that blasted ego again!

We will never ever get anywhere in this battle to wake up the masses and save our planet if we don't stop fighting over the ridiculousness of wanting to measure our own achievements on OUR OWN PATHS as compared to those that are walking THEIR OWN.....there is no quantitative measure, there is only quality in this.....make your life count, reach out help someone else.....put someone else first.....learn from someone else why they love their Divine energy...share your experiences, live each day for what it is tomorrow is not promised......and for the last time every time someone else speaks their own truth it is not a threat, comment, indication, suppressed anger/passive aggressive shot at anyone sometimes they are simply loving their own life and maybe if we all found a way to love our own too then we would understand that.

Here is a novel idea, why not just realize that that person you just don't understand well maybe they have found their faith in something larger than themselves, maybe it would be so much better for each of us if we invested time in finding our own faith rather than tear everyone else's down.  Just this silly old witch's thoughts......

The Cracked Cauldron

What happens when the words are strangled? how about when you sit and look at the screen and wonder if the words you are about to say are going to make things worse or better? 

If someone were to actually speak to my kids, my husband or those that know me on an intimate or familial level you would know I am not a softie, I am NOT wishy washy and yes I have a big mouth, a fiery temper, and a nasty nasty way about me when crossed you can bet if I have something to say to you it won't go unsaid, but in the same token I am always fair, kind and generous to a fault ~ usually to the point of leaving myself with nothing so that I can give to another.  Now if you were to ask in the magical community to those that THINK they know me their answers might be wholly different. At first it really bothered me, I mean really bothered me because in truth to be thought of that way gives off the impression that I am weak, and I know I am far from that, so it took some real time and lots of work to figure out why I kept running into cowardly people that thought they knew so much more, were so much more and could ride roughshod over me at their own whim.  Truth is and always has been I bring out the truth in people - good or bad I will always see their true faces, their masks will slip - through their interaction with me their real self, their true reality of what they are will be shown, is that their fault? no it is mine, just like their misguided opinion of me is my fault as well, I have allowed it to happen, and there begins the explanation behind my fractured self. 

I went within, I pulled away from everyone, I stopped listening to the random thoughts of others as they bounced them my way, I allowed Spirit to take over, as I used my gifts to see myself this time, the mask I wore became clear.  The one of the inexperienced witch, the one with no "formal" training, the victimhood mask, the one that I never ever wanted to be seen as and funny enough those that know me live would never think these things.  They have seen me survive that which would destroy most and yet rise to live on.  I did not like what I saw.  Somewhere between the death of our friend, the loss of everything we dreamt of even our own home and then the brain tumor my son lives with, the pressure finally was too much and I felt it rise and rise.  The dragons came then, back up, protection and love from these Elementals is unexplainable. Within their protection I examined all the parts of me that I was unhappy with, disappointed in and even ashamed of.  I looked at who I was to my children and what they think of me in comparison to what I was showing the outside world and they weren't the same at all.....almost like I was two different people, and that was it, the cauldron cracked, the pressure did it, I did it, Spirit and the Dragons did it. Then I sat back and waited for the next steps to become known to me.  As the stands came I started removing myself from groups, removing people from my circles, reestablishing relationships with others, I started to live truthfully as one whole human being, instead of being me with those I knew loved me and seeming weak in front of those that only pretended to.  The last 13 months have been difficult, at times heartbreaking and soul crushing and yet I went on..... the fractured part of me is over now, through the fire was born a whole person, a whole witch, by the fire and the heat of the cauldron I was forged....the fire so hot it cracked the cauldron.  I have been demoralized, threatened, cheated, degraded and pushed, there have been lies spread, stories made up and spells cast to hurt me.....yes I even know about those that cast against me.....there is not much that Spirit keeps from my open eyes......the reality for me was that while I kept my true self from being whole in every part of my life not just my personal life, the actions of others just got worse and worse until finally I learnt the lesson, so I don't blame those that caused this in me for they were just vehicles of the Divine sent to show me and push me into being whole, well it worked.  

Sadly there are those that did not make the cut, will not be a part of my life and will never no matter how much time passes ever be thought of fondly, some things just cannot ever be unseen.  Their masks now permanently off for me, even though others still don't see them clearly, trust me when I say the day will come when all do, the shock for many will be tremendous.  I have spent alot of time looking at these situations, seeing where things will end up and knowing that the casts and ill will sent will find its way back to its home, leaving all I love and is a part of me alone, it really saddens me to know that such evolved people are really not so evolved, not so truthful and not really so honorable, but that is their lesson and I leave it to the Fates, the Divine and the Elementals to deal with, me I am just an old time witch.  Oh yes and the issue of training is now clear in my mind, how much better could I want for mentors and instructors than those that love the Dragons and honestly serve the Divine without ego, moving mountains to convey those messages rather than their own.  I realized I had the strength all along, the connection and the training albeit not conventional, just had to let go of the fear of being judged by the same people that thought they were in a position over me, again my OWN doing, not really their fault they only took advantage of what I gave them to use, ME.  

So now this is who I am, I won't be bullied, I won't be pushed and if you cast against me you best be prepared to have it come meet you at your door if not worse.  I have no formal training, I only have ME with the power of all I am, all I work with, and all those that walk beside me, so be forewarned.  After all you tell me how many witches in the burning times went to witch school? and yes in essence that is what many are still doing to each other now, just cowardly hiding it behind the veils of false civility, sad reality of that is that the so called "muggles" don't need to destroy our community we seem to be doing a grand job of it ourselves.  

Everything I am, and all I know has come to me from my ancestors some while they lived others after they passed, Spirit and the Elementals, do you want to question their validity?  I know enough to know I sure as hell don't......

More about me Part 1

 This blog has been coming for some time but today you will not believe what actually brought the words out, guacamole, that's right that green stuff with organic chips, good old avocado mashed up and flavoured perfectly and therein lies the key to the whole thing.

The last year has been an amazing one for me, yes it has been difficult, yes it always is....there is no difference there.  Where it has counted though and has been unlike so many others, is that the revelations this year have kept coming.....one after another, one shocker to the next.......not little revelations either, like wow I love the colour blue, more like wow I am reliving my parent's life.......or wow I really have to let go and trust that the Divine has the best interests of my child in mind even though we just found out he has a brain tumour....those kinds of revelations and those are just two examples of what I have lived.  Ground shaking, Earth shattering, heartbreaking and liberating all in one.  I know I haven't been alone in it, not once was the Divine not right next to me.....how do I know? it is simple I would not have survived all this without Divine support, that's it right there that's all......

I had to remember that, trust it, have faith in it, before I could live it.....sounds simple but its not.  In reliving my parents lives I realized as much as I thought I forgave for my childhood truth is I was still judging it, standing back crossing my arms over my chest and saying to myself at least I was a better mother, but that was wrong.  I have told the kids forever that life is about choices, about letting go and forgiving, walking and living your own truth, and being responsible for your own destinations, I was far from living it because that one last thing I held back on, my life, its conditions or lack of in my heart were all a result of what I lived through, not the experiences themselves but the words left unsaid, the parts I could not understand....I have always been that way if I could understand you I can forgive you if I can't then well I can't its simple....because I could never understand I never truly forgave.  Then I came here and met my husbands family.......there was the usual fanfare, oh so much smiles, even a welcome home party.  You would think that makes it all good right, think again after all I am still a witch.......in the middle of the bible belt.  

My husband like my father was the somewhat black sheep, the one with a big mouth and a fiery temper that stood up for whatever he wanted or believed in.....it was easy when they could look down on him or feel sorry for him because at that point he was below them in their eyes....that is not the case, and he has grown so much in the last 30 years of his life that well he is not who they remembered......me well the plastic smiles and phony words only last so long, it got to a point I shut down all intuitive thoughts and feelings around them, but that permeated my life and was not a viable option, then the mundane world tried to suck me back in and THAT is definitely NOT an option......so on my birthday this year I sat and thought, and thought and reflected on the last year or two in our lives and I realized I was at that crossroads.....the same one I realize my mother stood at all those years ago when she felt the same from my father's family.....the isolation, ridicule, and ultimately of feeling like she didn't belong amongst those strangers, people that although were not monsters in reality did not realize that the things they said were all directly funnelled to her through her intuition.....she shut it down, only to bring it out in secret, almost feeling like a somewhat criminal should anyone notice or know she did this.....ashamed of who she really was, it embittered her, made her angry and to a certain extent created mental health issues.....it was doing the same to me......I decided to go the other way, change the pattern of the life before me.....I did not do this alone, the Divine walked along with me all the way, now joined by my beautiful and strong Fire Dragon ~ yes he has a name but that is between him and I ~ yes He had joined in my entourage....I say entourage a bit tongue in cheek because truthfully all those that walk with me are so above me, and I admire and love each one, and no where do I equate myself on their same level......no no no I have much to learn still.

So then I decided it was time to start fresh, at the beginning.......that meant taking a good hard look at me, admitting to myself that yes I did not come through it all unscathed, yes I have mental health issues, yes I was raised to believe there was is a stigma to admitting that, but I don't believe that anymore, my daughter taught me what strength is in that respect, so I am admitting it....yes I have issues, yes I know and yes I am working with them. My first step was to recognize my triggers and remove them......this life is about me not about anyone else, and  I needed to be authentically me, even though it took me some time to get to the point of facing some of them head on I finally did, and I feel better for it.  I also started working more in earnest with Spirit, stopped resisting my own intuition and stopped worrying whether it made sense to me  or not and started delivering the messages to those that it showed me they were for.  Glad to say that it went well, thankfully those Spirit chose were gracious, lovely and thankful for their messages.  It will be a long road for me recovering my strength and belief in myself but one well worth travelling.   There will be more triggers I am sure, I will learn from them and let them go, but for now I am happy that this last transformation of me has been so profound that I will never be the same.....

My entourage and I will continue along, with our new added love and protector circling ever present, ever vigilant....My love, my Dragon....we will sit munching happily on organic corn chips and perfectly flavoured guacamole by the kid that should not be able logically to properly flavour anything! that's right my kid.......

Eyes wide open

Full set Elemental Dragons ~ Image property of A Witch
by any Other Name

When I took on the challenge of making these Elemental Dragon Chalices I really did not realize what I was taking on, not in a bad way either but just in a very cleansing truthful way.  This was not an easy time in my life to do this either.....I mean I have worked and channelled many different spirits, deities and beings, for me this did not start a year or two ago this has been a lifelong work the realities of which have only recently become totally clear to me.  I did not choose an easy life, I accept that now, it was my choice no one else's and this year as I turned the wheel one more time on my own birthday it gave me lots to work out, ponder and sort.  The Dragons well they came at just the perfect time.....

Spirit ~ Image property of A Witch by
any Other Name

Air ~ Image Property of A Witch by
any Other Name

The deeper and deeper I went into myself, the more I found crap I had allowed to get to me, and I call it crap for a reason, because that is exactly what it is.....I found that if I do not kind of police myself and my reactions to things then I tend to internalize them, take them on as my own issues, allow them to influence how I feel about myself....not really anyone else's fault but my own, I allow my voice to be silenced and fall in behind others that are pushier, mouthier and more out there in their opinions than I am.....I had to look at that clearly is it my need to avoid ugliness? is it that I am not strong enough to hold my own? well truthfully neither of these options were right so it meant I had to dig deeper, to the core of why I allow this.....I came up with all kinds of reasons at first, this situation with my son, my need to just sleep the time away, the mundane crap that I deal with on a daily basis but again none of these really fit the bill either.....and then it hit me I just really don't care.  Yep that is it, I just really don't care.

Earth ~ Image property of A Witch
by any Other Name

The Dragons they would not allow me to lie to myself this time and shelving it and moving on to the next one didn't work either, I had to keep looking until I shocked myself with that revelation.  I just do not care what anyone else really thinks, not in a disrespectful way either, I am more than willing to listen to others opinions and absorb what they have to say as long as they present it in a proper and respectful manner, the moment I feel that they are not, or that they are not being truthful with their expression then well I stop caring.  What appears to be me silencing myself and becoming complacent is actually my cutting away method......as a child I learnt that open thoughts of pulling away are punished, viciously and say as you like as adults it is no different.  I have watched as attacks go on all around me in my personal mundane life, religious/spiritual life and even my online life, the attacks because they are between adults are no less vicious than the ones I remember from my childhood.  Yes they are for different reasons, and may not constitute the same type of abuse that I lived through but their end result is the same, someone is hurt, shamed or worse.....and in my honest opinion the whole point of the lesson is lost at that point, but that is what I have learnt in my life it does not mean that it is right for everyone else, but it is for me.  My way is to just stop wasting my breath......As I molded Chaos I was reminded of a moment many years ago that someone asked me why I was allowing someone to make statements that weren't true, vehemently wanted to know why I was not up in arms about it like they were.....my answer then is my answer now, sometimes you have to pick your battles and know when to walk away after all when your words are falling on deaf ears then its time to just let go.

Water ~ Image property of A Witch
by any Other Name

Fire ~ Image property of A Witch
by any Other Name

I am not a wishy washy person, I am kind, but I am not stupid, I am an empath, intuitive, medium and witch, all of these came with me into this incarnation and from the previous ones, I always know, whether I chose to do anything about it is a whole other issue, call that what you will but realize you may not always see what I have done but you will feel it, whether it be by my presence or lack of.......yes I say I learnt alot from those Dragons, but mainly I learnt that I really do like who I am, what I am and what I can do in this world.....another piece of me that I didn't realize was waiting for me to allow it through.  I let go and have ridden the tides and currents for many years, I believe in Spirits guidance, trust in Fire to protect, Water to wash away all that does not merit my presence, Earth to ground me and Air to give me life......Chaos well, Chaos will create just that for all that cross the boundaries because even as the Chalices leave to go to their new home, I know they will never leave me, the Dragons that is, they came to stay for they watched for years too, as I honored them quietly in my own way, not knowing their names, not wondering if I was doing right or wrong but just honored them from the heart..........dramatic shows of powers are really for tv shows, the witch she always knows whats best and her friends are always on watch for those that think otherwise.........afterall being a witch it is common knowledge that intention is really everything....

Chaos ~ Image property of A Witch by
any Other Name

Mushrooms and Circles

About two months ago I started working with polymer mushrooms, for whatever reason I woke up one day and just started creating them.....all colors and types, spotted not spotted......all I could see was mushrooms and these little tiny settings.  As my hands started to create these little snippets of places filled with magic, the more I saw.....and the more the mushrooms around our property started to show up.  A few here and there at first, but all seemed to be at the corners of the property, little clusters of mushrooms......I noticed the first clump on my walk to check on the chippy feeding grounds and I was amazed at how they were growing in the driest part of the property, then the next week I noticed them under our large trees out front as the boy wanted to hide to surprise Papa.  At that point I decided ok the Fae must be happy with their homes and are protecting mine how wonderful!

Well then that is when things started to get interesting! I was standing on the back deck and could see this large mass in the lawn out back by the rose gardens, it kind of looked strange and made me want to go back there and check it out.  There was this large mushroom, almost looked like the ones I was creating in the house and putting in my gardens, but much much larger, it looked kinda glowy which I put down to the setting sun.......I decided to make that area off limits to everyone else, let that mushroom grow I told everyone and they did.....that was about a month ago.  Time marched on and I had alot on my plate and my mind and truthfully watched the mushroom grow from the back window but didn't go back there much especially with all the rain we were getting, then this weekend I went back there and had a look and what I found amazed me!

Looks like the Fae moved in, I am so enjoying now watching these grow and fill in, laying on the ground and taking these pictures all I could hear was chirping, such beauty and detail.......my heart is full with love for the Fae and so glad they have decided to grace my life with their presence and make it so very clear!  Cannot wait to see what happens next and how many of these pop up, but for I can already see the Fae Circle in the grass, I am already happy, blissful truthfully.........now to get the mundane on the same page! I have a feeling the Fae are here to lend a hand........

White Dragon....thank you!

Today was supposed to be the Red/Fire Dragon but he has other plans, some things he is still dealing with and would like to stay with me longer so now you get White Dragon as she wishes it to be....

Sometimes there are moments in life that you question all you are, why you are the way you are and what the next step should be....should you continue to open your heart? should you stop delivering the messages of Spirit? should you just bottle everything you are, pack it away like the oblivious pack up their decorations for each season, somehow feeling that they have lived up to what was warranted for that station simply because they put them out....is that what I should do too, pack it all away and feel that I tried so that makes it ok to deny the rest of it, the rest of my gifts given to me by a power so much greater than me.  I almost did.

I guess the third time was the charm, the turning point and deciding factor for me, so you would think that it must have been a positive experience that finally made me feel that I just cannot hide that under a bushel any longer but it wasn't actually.  Back at the beginning of this year this all started, a message, not unlike others I have received, pretty much like the rest of my life when I randomly receive a message for someone that considers themselves a part of my life, and yes I said they consider themselves a part of mine because in truth everyone out there is a part of my life we are all a part of a whole, while others may lose that concept it is never lost on me.......so when they come into my sphere and then want to be a part of mine many times Spirit has guided them here, to me, and the messages they came, so that one at the beginning of the year was for a sister, yes as angry as my very human side was with her she is still a sister, she though did not take this so well....it became a very ugly moment in time, ego played a huge part in her behaviour, with her new duties as a mod on a page she somehow had lost her way, it hurt, I cried and I was upset with Spirit for asking me to do such a thing, the sister now systematically destroying me, my reputation and business.....why could someone else not have delivered that message why me? that experience led me to pull away from this, stop listening to the messages that needed to be delivered and resisted, much to my spiritual detriment.

Although these messages are not new to me nor are their delivery, the reaction of some of the more enlightened well they are kind of new to me.....then the White Dragon came to me, showing me what was beneath all this, my own feelings of insecurity playing out in this scenario....truth is if this other sister did not want the message it was her choice to disregard it, her energy to deal with, the message was not about me it was between her and Spirit.  White Dragon showed me who I have always been inside, on the deepest most hidden levels that I have even kept from myself, working with this Spirit Dragon has made it impossible for me to continue without looking at all the parts of me that I have feared, yes feared seeing for so very long.....what I found in there, in me was the ray of strength, the white light tinged with gold, transparent where it needs to be solid where it wants to be and completely fluid, moving to and fro as my own soul does as well....I found a woman child hurt, that has stood up and fought her way back on every single shred of truth that came to her, reaching, clawing and refusing to be shoved into that box that the muggles have tried to do since the day of her birth....I found me......I found the part of me that has kept me going all these years, the one that took the hits when I allowed my own ego to come out and play and wreak havoc, the part that forgave me all those years ago and the part the held onto that dream when I was so young that told me I had a purpose....I am not here to judge I am here to deliver, call me your friendly neighbourhood Spirit Mailperson....I think that is the best title I have ever had!

That is when it happened a new message that I paid heed to, popped on and just delivered it, not thinking about it, until after I delivered it and waited and then suddenly the old feelings of oh no, I sure hope she understands this, many times I do not even understand the reason or the message....she did.....it was the moment that I knew ok, yes this is what I do.....but! as is my life nothing is always that simple because I took the step and delivered the message you would think the happy ending story line ends there and in the movie here I go back on track delivering Spirit messages all over the place! but no this is my life so of course the test to my resolve comes directly after my decision to start over, such is the way of my path.....and the ugly happens.......a message recipient has an issue, not one I delivered now but almost a month ago, one that I had allowed to stay connected due to a loyalty to the spirit of a passed on friend, something I always refuse to do but had broken my own rule and spiritually counselled a young person by ardent request of her mother......at first I was upset, angry wanting to lash out, then suddenly felt the white wing enclose around me....calm me, I could feel the love, the vision of it all coming back with such clarity.....the moment of knowing that no this is not what my reaction should be, this is not about me, but more their own inability to move beyond the state that they are in, and in this case being relieved from this service is a beneficial moment for me and one I am actually thankful for......Spirit Dragon guided me away from the ego that could have taken over that moment and transformed my hurt into ugliness, that has never been who I am, doesn't mean I haven't failed at it before just that I now forgive myself for it and choose to recognize it before it becomes something else.

.....in working with these Dragons I think I may never be the same again, in a good way.......its not about me I am merely a vessel.....and I am ok with that, I am marvellous with that!

Elemental Dragons - Let us start with Gold

Just about two weeks ago or so I was commissioned to make some special chalices, now I have been working on a set of 6 Elemental Dragon Chalices since then and it has been a wild, extreme ride so far.  As I started this project I really expected that it was no different than any other magical work I have ever done.  I connect to the energies and create, simple right? yes?

NO not so simple this time, Dragons they are different. I have worked with many Goddess' and Gods through my path work and through this walk, I have come across many of different types, feelings that were interesting and intricate and with each one yes I have found another missing piece of the puzzle as if each commission has come as much to show and teach me as to provide something for the person requesting it, but the Dragons well they have overwhelmed me, taken over, so strong their energy is.  It is unlike anything I have ever felt before....for years I have worked with them on the fringe of everything I do, not like this.  I have always kept a small section of my garden for my Dragons, collected water from its cup and used it as needed for protection and coverage, but this well this is just so different, now I am intimately acquainted with each one as I work with them.....I do not think this is something I can ever forget or be the same from.  They are intense, they are clearing and they are totally and completely encompassing.

Let me take you on a little bit of the journey so far and what it has produced, with of course permission from the client and sister that has me creating these beautiful pieces.....first there came the Gold Dragon...so strong, so feminine, so beautiful, soothing, protective....I saw her claw in my mind for almost a week at first, the colors mingling golds and yellows, finally asked my friend what colors of claws she wanted......when she told me I understood what I had been seeing........She ~the Dragon~ showed me a love I had never felt or seen before, something beyond a love of self, of others, of life, just something so pure so strong, this gold clawed Dragon which I let into my heart showed me that I was also strong, protective, that I walk a path that is unlike anyone else's, I am not to be part of one particular belief, I am me and I walk amongst many.....the certificate that hangs above me as I work suddenly very prominent in my mind.....regardless of what comes I am here for a specific purpose on this world, to be a bridge to walk with many and choose none as the only......I am here to be that Interfaith Minister that I started to walk towards about 5yrs ago, I need to keep on that path......yes I am a devotee of my own chosen Deities but I am not here to "convert" anyone else I am here simply to honor and respect the others as they walk their path, providing support where I can, encouragement when needed and always love.  The Gold Dragon she stays with me, she's got my back so to speak and I am so happy to have her join me on my walk, even though something tells me she has been there all along.........

The revelations did not stop there, when she was done, I sat with her, I hesitated to share her pictures on the page, I wanted April to be the first to see her, but she wanted to be shown, she was proud of her look and so was I.........She helped me heal many of the wounds that I found still festering in there, from the others along the way......She showed me all I needed to be and where I needed to go........and here I go.....

Now the energy of the Dragons spurred me on to the next one.....the Red Dragon....Fire......
he is a story for the next instalment!

The Queen Calls

I need to write, I can't write, I sit here staring at this white screen and my thoughts are all jumbled, so much going on in my life again.   I was starting to feel like the pressure was all getting to me, making me feel squirrelly, adding to that my empathic channels seem to be picking up all kinds of negative floating around, alot of hiding behind masks going on.  Then it happened, She reached out to me....

I have been beating myself up about letting go of my job, looking realistically at my finances and wincing knowing that I left the job about a month too early, one more month and I would have been able to have all my bills caught up and maybe a little bit of something in the bank to keep us going through the hard winter coming, but my mind couldn't do it.....that moment that it snapped and I sat there for so long that was it, so that moment I have been holding against myself....as much as I see the improvement in my home from my little one whose behaviour has improved but still has further to go, and my older son who is coping with his own issues due to the tumour, he is calmer, doing his current treatment and bless his heart worried about how we will afford it to continue....but he is no longer having to care for my little one while I lock myself up in this bedroom and make myself unavailable to both of them for up to 9hrs a day......but the realities of the world don't stop just because I did the right thing for them emotionally, mentally and even physically, monetarily I let them down.....this has really caused me to feel the very human guilt emotion to the extreme....... Like any other time when I feel this way, to blame, wrong, emotionally tortured I withdraw.....so the writing suddenly stops....the reaching out to friends stops, I start to just be here and there and nowhere.....elusive, reclusive and protective. I even this time withdrew from her......kinda floated away for a bit.....

Last Friday I was at the Farmers Market in town, really could not afford anything but the boys and I just needed to get out, pretend to be like everyone else.....and there it was this beautiful sign....black and yellow very simple....the word BELIEVE painted on it simply that is all, and when I looked it was only $5, even though I could make one and even though I really couldn't afford it I bought it and put it up on the shelf above Yemaya so that I could see it every morning as I woke.......then Saturday morning while changing the water from my lilies on that shelf the sign came crashing down and broke a lamp, funny thing is that lamp had never felt right on there since the beginning, nothing else was touched nothing, not even the other glass lamp right next to it.....I put the sign back up cleaned the mess and then went on about my business......the candles and my morning devotionals now hadn't been done for over a week.  I started cleaning and ridding myself of all kinds of old things, memories, the burn pile getting larger and larger, but still I did not light the candles.....in my cleaning I came across a few pieces I had made for her, and as I picked one up it crumbled in my hands.....and still I did not answer the call.....

Last night when the old guy got home, we sat in silence here in our room thinking about the day it was, the friend we had lost one year ago yesterday, the change it caused in our lives, the sadness we still feel that Michael is gone from this world......with one look we both knew we had to go up to the cemetery and pay our respects to him there......as we stood there, my husband put his hand in mine looked at me and said look I cut my finger today......as I looked at it, my eyes widened and I realized he had a perfect 7 cut into his finger.......it was shocking, it was a boom moment, an aha holy crap! when did I slip into this absence of her? when did I withdraw so far from her that it took so many things to wake me up.....it was like a flash, the lantern, the sign, the crumbling homages and then his finger........She called where I could not miss the call my Scorpion.....

Today all my candles are lit, the writing is coming back, the words are starting to clear in my head and I am not so jumbled, I am still coping with lots......I know this is a lifetime thing where everyday I have to tell myself that I can handle this, I am not alone, I am supported, I am loved....this is a lifetime thing to remind myself of all the good because it is so easy to allow the negative noise around to make those like me, the sensitives, the empaths, the healers want to withdraw back into their shells.....mother wouldn't allow me and I am ever so grateful that she is at my side....so on I go to find more ways to balance the witch I am to the witch that Yemaya sees that I am.....after all she is the Queen of the Witches......and I would do better to remember that everyday.

A New Year, A New Look but the same old me.....

As I sit today on my bed to write this, the Crow he lands on the wire in front of my window, him and the trees is all I can see.  My fingers reach for this keyboard more out of familiarity than using my eyes to see at the moment, so glad for spell check!, my eyes they aren't so good this week compounded by the week long massive headache that has relentlessly pounded at me, I am pretty much a right mess physically.  It's my birthday, wouldn't ya know.......that special time of year for most, always a bit of an emotional time for me this year seems even more so than ever before.  Have you ever watched a movie that you felt was one explosive moment after another, just boom, boom, boom and you were sitting there in shock of some in awe of others but at the end of that two hours you had run the entire gamut of emotions and left feeling still exhilarated but kinda tired too? that's what has been happening behind my eyes, in my mind all week, all month really.....the fact that I have to lay a number to the amount of years I have been breathing means I think about each and every one of them.

There have been many moments in those years, some of regret, some of elation, some I never want to revisit but always find myself doing so anyway, like the horror flick you don't really want to watch but find yourself stuck to just a few moments too long.  My life has been interesting, full and good, it has also been hard, difficult and painful.  For me there is always both sides even when looking at myself, maybe even more so.  I am not the same person I was when I was in my twenties or thirties, and definitely a whole different person than I was in my earlier years.  Sitting back acting like an observer in this movie of my life all week I watched my own progression into who I am today.  I still have alot of work to do, alot more growth on the horizon, but at this moment now in my life I am a hell of a lot clearer as to who I am, what I want, what I don't want and have found a strange kind of peace with these revelations I guess you would call them.  This hasn't of course been a sudden shock kind of thing either, this last year has been one of tremendous changes, stresses, pressure and growth for me, and yes truthfully I have struggled many times throughout it to keep going, many many times, giving up is so easy, so tempting.....but so not on the table for me......so trudge on I did, kept going through all those memories, every single one of them, until yesterday.......

What made yesterday different? well I am not sure, but I did realize that in all this time I have become somewhat of a recluse, never mind people coming to see me but the thought of leaving to go somewhere else somehow well it just doesn't happen for me, I always find a way out of it, not so sure when that started but now that I know its there I will definitely have to start pushing myself through it sooner rather than later......that revelation was of course directly followed by a low moment, a moment of tears and sadness that one person would not be here to say Happy Birthday to me........so here is my bit of synchronicity or Divine love you choose.....yesterday I cried like a baby alone in MY van, cried looking at your picture and begged you that if I could have one thing for my birthday it would be to feel your love and you near me just one more time, no one knew, no one was with me it was just me and you in the van, I dried my eyes and came home and didn't hide it all too well I am sure but it is what it is five years later and at times its just like it was yesterday......today someone walked in my home that never knew you, never met you and gave me a birthday gift, it was the first gift I opened today and she actually handed me 2 at once but the first one I opened after picking it randomly could not have been less random, it was a solar lamp for my garden and sitting proudly on top was a Red Cardinal, we watched and loved watching so many of them as I grew up I could not have gotten a clearer wish of love from you.....

What a week its been, what a life, what a joy, so much to be thankful for, today dad I really miss you thank you for loving me that much......no matter how old I get will always still be your little girl........I love you. So raise a glass and help me celebrate A New year, A New Look (thanks Tara!) and the same old me.....

Family, Friends, Faith and Ignorance

Sometimes you can keep looking for the silver lining and try as you might things will just get a hold of you, this last year has been like that for me, as much as I try so hard to stay on the positive side of things it feels at times that the pendulum swings wildly from one aspect to another.  Most days I just keep my head up and keep going and don't let it get to me, today maybe its the weather, maybe its just the final straw that won't let me keep my somewhat positive slant on things.  Maybe it has nothing to do with that and maybe I just need to allow myself to feel the anger, disappointment and sadness in people and situations around me.  Maybe it is time to let it flow out so that it doesn't lead me down a road of depression.  So have at it.....

Life is hard, we don't have an easy life here, there are no rainy day packets put aside for us, disposable income is something that we know nothing about, for quite some years now we live day to day and month to month, hoping the next one will be better.  Some have been, take for instance the job that I was able to hold down for a few months, I enjoyed it, I did it well, but it took such a toll on the family and my son that really was not in the space to be able to care for the little one while I was locked in the bedroom.  That's my life, my responsibility and I dealt with it, what else should I have done really? our issues aren't all money related but as a whole that is the biggest problem we have and I am ever thankful and grateful for the love we all have for each other, without it the money side would drive us apart like it does to so many others.

I keep my head up, I keep my chin up, yea yea yea I try to do all that but at every turn I am blocked by ignorance.  Ignorance that thinks I must be so different, oh no a witch in our midst.  So the ignorance grows. I had offered to help with abused women through the church here.  I am female, I have been a victim of abuse, and I have in my own times and in my former life in Ontario helped other women find hope, help and a way out of those lives, I had hoped to do it here again, but of course my ways, who I am and the fact that I do not make a secret of it somehow offends the women of the church.  It was not the pagans in my life that thwarted that, nor was it the pastor of the church believe it or not even him knowing who I am he supported it, he wanted it no it was the women, women who can't see beyond the end of their nose to care enough about humans and put aside their petty insecurities of themselves and their polyester pants!  what could I possibly have to give to another woman or help with that they cannot do in their sheltered lives that know nothing about the realities of abuse? can you tell I am a little annoyed! Not to mention that I also tried to help out with a certain charity organization here that deals with cats! (come on now a witch and cats!) and guess what happened? I dare you to guess.....that's right I bet you got it right? an organization that needs help, cries out for foster parents for kittens constantly, asks for donations of time and material to help them, you would think they would be all over someone like me that has fostered cats before, did NOT get paid for it, did NOT ask for donations for the care of the animals no I paid for that all myself, well my help was not wanted or desired.  I am hurt, angry and the tears that fall aren't for me, they are for the ones I could have helped but was denied a chance to.  Ignorance it really hurts more than just the ones you aim it at.

Still even as I write this and I so feel the strongest urge to say people suck, I still cannot stop myself from looking at both sides of everything right, that is just me, the damn Libra that can't just be on one side of the coin but must hop from side to side.....my door, the beautiful white door that I now have on my house....it replaces the brown one that was peeling, that the babe was getting splinters from, that we knew was letting in all kinds of drafts in the winter and that we could not afford to change......someone gave us a door, a beautiful white door, with pretty windows and a screen! and when my husband came home with it, I looked at the window and smiled it made so much sense....Family, Friends, Faith......the tennents I live by.......my Friends live in facebookland, my family well they are everywhere and my faith well its what makes things like the door happen, and the kitchen table that we needed, wanted and hoped someday we could afford to get since ours was literally falling down.....it may not mean much, and some may crinkle their nose at it, the fact that it was a found piece, something someone else had gotten rid of because it had a broken piece....its fixed now, the first thing laid on it was my herb harvest.....my husband fixed it and for Mabon he put the new door on and gave me a new kitchen table to prepare meals and offer love to my family on....that is my faith at work....faith sometimes is all I have had to hold on to.....now is no different.

Back to creating, back to believing that somehow someway we will all get through all this, maybe someday my faith in people as a whole will grow too.......there's that Libra in me again........

It only gets better from here......

Standing under the old apple tree, the bark all gnarled from years and years of producing sweet fruit.  The silence around her starts to seem loud.  Like a patron at the Opera, there to see the main stage gets distracted by the Orchestra.  She slowly quiets her mind, one by one, thought by thought, she becomes aware of the distant cricket, busy living his life.  The sounds start to separate and come into tune, the chaos of sounds now gone, their melodic tune now fills the air as her heart stops racing.  In her moments of fear she comes here, to this bark, this connection, the love that flows here is her cure all.

She is eccentric, eclectic, different, exotic and unlike anything he has ever known, it is no wonder they try so hard to pull them apart, tear her down hoping he will see the error of his ways....or maybe they hope to break the 'spell' he is under.  They look and stare, whisper and snicker as she walks through town wearing her black hat, smiling at her man, glowing love for him and him for her, and the others they glare.  It must be magic, sorcery they say! her long dark wild hair, holey and tattered clothing, she does not fit in to the church ladies groups, does the man not see that this woman is not from here, not like him? they think as long as they don't say it to her she can't possibly know, but she does.  It always makes her a bit sad to feel their judgments hanging high on her, because she openly loves her man, while they do it they miss experiencing their own lives........when will people learn?

Startled from her thoughts, she knows he is near, she can feel him, he makes no sound as he comes up behind her, as silent as the scorpion that he is.  His arm slides around her waist and pulls her back to him, close, tight, his breath warm on her neck.  There is no resistance, as the current races through her, so many years and still with one touch, it is explosive.

"The moon, she is extra bright tonite...." he trails off as he looks at the beautiful Harvest Moon, full, round and glowing.

Snuggling in closer to him she whispers "Aye she is" deeper into those arms, without fail always there.

The years of memories flood between them, energies feeding each other without a word, silently, flowing from one to the other, the years have been many but have felt like they have flown by, only a creak in a bone ever reminds that it has been many, for the passion flows as fiercely now as then....the number of years no longer matter, it has become stories and moments strung together.  Darkness falls around them, standing embraced, with their backs to the fire, enjoying the gap in the trees that allows for the view of the beautiful mountain behind them.  As each moment passes every single cell in her body feels the current infiltrate it, a warm glow starting to emanate from her every pore......her breath changes, her bottom lip trembles as she breathes in......he knows, his arms pull her in closer, she moans, she is ready for him, always, anywhere, anytime.....he is her drug, her hit of bliss....her hillbilly heroin.... The silver rays of the moon rain down as arms and legs entwine, the blanket of the earth envelops them.  The energies rise in crescendo with the orchestra around them, changing their tempo, more, the air becomes electric and the fire responds behind them crackling alive.....and the wind shows her approval.

Laying in his arms, flushed, catching her breath, spent , blissful, he smiles...."you are amazing" she tells him as she drapes her arm across his bare chest.

"no it's all you....." he smiles his dreamy smile, kisses her deeply and looks in her dark eyes, his a stunning blue "if every man knew what I know and feel, they would go find themselves a witch to fall in love with too"

"awe baby I love you....."  and they slept there in each others arms till the sun broke through the mists.....taking on the world together....it only gets better from here!

Carrots, Mountains and Meltdowns

I have started this post a few times now, quick to hit the backspace button, truth is my mind is here there and everywhere. I need to write but I can't concentrate, I can't seem to shut off the thoughts and the messages, the events of the last five years blazing in quick succession, streaming in my mind.  The lessons in forced humility, the highs oh so wonderful, the lows well they were really low.....feeling suddenly completely alone in the world, all lessons of the last four years.  Truth is today was a bad day, a day to remember all that has been lost, all those that we loved that are gone, and all those that we love that well I guess really never did love us, today was a day about loss, cutting it away, moving beyond it to see there is more and there is always a reason for everything that happens, whether you understand it now or not the reason's will eventually become clear.  My kid used to tell me that, reminding me she heard it from her somewhat annoyingly always right mother, now they are almost all grown and gone. Just as we started to feel the twinges of empty nest syndrome kick in we were blessed with one more to share our love and hearts with.  My life is full, busy, productive, happy and stable, but yet the sadness still comes, things still happen that shake that calm and bliss.

Today was one of those days, I won't quickly forget, now added to the other days that stream though, playing out over and over.....the anniversary of our friends passing is coming quickly, it is the first one.  I send thoughts and prayers to his family that each day becomes a little easier than the last, I know the destruction my fathers passing left in our family, rocked to the core it will never be the same, not unlike theirs, but sometimes the same is not necessary, sometimes change can be a good thing, a welcome restart, beginning of a new phase, opening to a new life....I can put it in so many ways to show the silver lining, there is always one no matter if you can see it or not it is there, even in death there is one.  Death is only sad for the living, for the one that passes it is a release, they are free, no longer confined in these vehicles we call bodies. Souls move in and around us everyday, surrounding us, watching us and helping us as we need and even yes, that's right, even kicking our asses when we need it, today in my humanness, I slipped up and I allowed my hurts to cloud how I handle things, I allowed guilt to slip in unannounced and tell me that I shouldn't whine for being hurt, I let it take a stranglehold on me and I lost a few hours to tears, migraine material and an aching neck.  I am human, its not possible to be perfect everyday, to be on top of the world every moment, it just isn't, I stumble, I fall and I have meltdowns, I did today.  I held the pills in my hand that the doctor prescribed and debated taking one to stop the panic that was rising in the pit of my stomach, because today the pressure was reaching a boiling point, not because of my own personal relationship but outside pressures.  I looked at that yellow bottle for a few minutes then I put it down, pills they are just not me, so I cleaned.  I ripped down every scrap of paper that had anything to do with that job, created a burn pile of crap, literal crap that we have been carrying around with us for close to the better part of 16 years.  I cleared my drawers of tattered clothes, and other pieces that I have not worn in years and will never wear again, bagged to the appropriate places.  Change, clearing out old energy, burning away the past, plans for the future they started to take shape and shift my mood.  With one more chore to do it became a semi family thing, the boys and I pulled up the carrot patch, happily surprised by some of our larger carrots.  The soil was not so good this year, which now we have remedied with some rich black earth, after which we happily came back in as the rain started, washing away the evidence of our frolicking in the soil. More change, clean slates and new beginnings provided by natures blessed tears. 

This year is all about me doing the exact opposite of what I would have done before these last lessons.....but this bit of me I think I will keep, I will have my meltdowns unassisted so that I can see clearly when I come through to the other side, I will continue to look for the silver lining and I will keep trying to be better today than I was yesterday.....life is not a sitcom, it doesn't magically end in 30 minutes all sorted out, its more like a movie, each day a new scene in the overall epic adventure.  As long as I keep making today count for the right reasons, tomorrow will keep looking brighter, I will stumble I am after all human, I will remind myself to be gentle with me as I would be with someone else......I will get up again, dust myself off and find the silver lining, it is just who I am, it is like breathing for me.......